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long story... i really messed up this time

IDidntListen posted 1/11/2020 22:57 PM

this is not the full story but just the mayor details. please feel free to ask questions.

my back story:

i got pregnant at 15 had my baby #1 at 16. baby daddy #1 and i broke up when my daughter was 6 months and left to mexico. 2 years later i got pregnant again.

***the reason i got pregnant is because i wanted to leave my parents house but i didn't think that my parents were going to be so supportive and BD#1 moved in with my parents and i. baby #2 happen and my parents were still there for me. my parents were and still are amazing, my reasoning for wanting to leave is that i was too spoiled and treated like a porcelain doll. i stopped going to field trips in 7th grade because my mom wanted to come along. she volunteer at the school all the time. i wasn't allowed to go to sleepovers but friends could come to my house. i know it unreasonable now.***

baby daddy #2 broke up with me 2 days before xmas because he was cheating on me the last 2 weeks. in january 5th i found out i was pregnant.he claimed baby ins't he's and wants nothing to do with me.

at this time i BD #1 were still calling each other since he's still in mexico over the 2 years. he gets angry that im pregnant because he loves me and wanted to work things out when he got back. while im pregnant with baby #2 i decide well im already pregnant so f**k it im going to treat guys the way they treat me. started having one night stands. using them like they have done to me.

**** talked to BD#1 told him i was dating a black guy and he got so mad he finally told me the truth, he had gotten married in mexico and was on baby #3. the oldest being only a year younger than our daughter.****

there was this one guys (sam, 26) that wanted to date me seriously and after much persuasion i (19 at the time) agreed. i wasn't planning on that relationship to last at all. i ended up moving in with him (at his mothers house), again because i didn't want to live with my parents. after a few weeks, sam tells me he's a swinger. that sound fun! i've always wanted to sleep with a girl, lets do this!. having 3somes with other girls or swapping couples. never a 3some with another guy. sam was dominant and he would tell me what to wear, send me random text telling me to stop what im doing and send him pictures. i was the sole income earner, got into "modeling", was a sugar baby, sold my used panties, he encouraged all this behaviors, it honestly turned him on. all this was stuff his ex did. he was trying to turn me into her all that time. he wasn't over her, they were high school sweethearts and dated for 10 years. i tried to get out of that relationship but couldn't.

3 years later, here we are sam and i, been swingers for all this time i was tired of swinging, i wanted to be wanted to be the only one, he didnt want that so we were on and off since then. then i met david (AP #1). i started having an EA & PA that lasted 2 years. david asked me to have his baby and i would have said yes if he didn't have someone that was living with him at that time.

i met my now husband shortly after david, at the time still on and off with sam. sam was the one who told now H that he was the other guy. i really wanted to change to not be the person i was and had been so i moved in with now H after a month of him finding out.

there's been lies and betrayals over the years and H has stuck by me.


Now:

man, i really did it this time. i broke our vows, our family, our trust. and if I'm being honest the trust was never completely repaired to begin with due to past betrayals. i cant say i didn't want to have an affair, i looked for it. i planned it. it wasn't a "we are co-workers" nor "one night stand, it just happened".

not only did i have an EA (david) that lasted a few months and didn't get physical. i even kicked my H out because i was sure i wanted to have david baby this time. david said he still wanted a baby and somehow i assumed with me but nope. i still wanted to hook up with him so i started taking birth control but after 3 months nothing happened. i never actually saw him in person. it was all text and 1 video call. i looked him up found out where he lived but he never invited me over.

i finally gave up on that and looked online for a "discreet" site to be a sugar baby. found PA partner there and explicitly told him that "my husband would be devastated if he found out". i can't claim that i didn't think of the consequences, I KNEW that it my actions were going to hurt my H deeply. the PA only lasted one week.

as im writing this i realize that david has been limerence and when that didn't happen got rejected again that's when i looked online. but where does that leave my husband?

husband found out about my PA because he could see my location when i was at a cheap motel having sex with AP. he found out about the david from the text messages between PA partner and i.

there's NC with either of them (EA & PA). D-Day Oct 4 2019.


i really appreciate if you've read this far. thanks for listening.

TLDR

BD#1 - left. 16 years later still hasn't met his daughter face to face. i wasn't enough for him to come back.

BD#2 - cheated on me. rejected, depressed, didn't think baby was his. i wasn't enough for him to try to be a family.

sam - i wasn't his ex. i wasn't enough to stop being a swinger.

david - i wasn't wife material.

Husband - im enough but can't understand why he even wants to be with such a broken person.


Organic2003 posted 1/12/2020 01:04 AM

WS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:19 AM, January 12th (Sunday)]

foreverlabeled posted 1/14/2020 05:30 AM

Hey there, welcome.

Your background, to me, does give insight into your lack of boundaries going into a committed marriage. I'm not surprised at all you cheated. I don't think you were ready for something like that and it seems you have a hard time with impulse control. I can relate to that. I as well as many others can also relate to knowing how devastating our actions would be and yet picking the destruction anyway.

Before I give you my advice, how is your BH? It's been a few months now, does he know if R is something he can offer you? Also, besides NC what are you doing to be a safe partner?

MrCleanSlate posted 1/14/2020 09:15 AM

Discreet sites looking to be a Sugar baby...Seriously?
(and this coming from a guy who cheated).

I want to say grow up and be a mother and safe partner, but I see that you have some issues that you seem to think you are broken, or less than, and you really need to fix yourself.

You basically put a lot of effort into trying to hook up with any guy with a pulse all so you could betray your husband. All this fucking around with others, and not wanting to commit - why is that?

The first thing you really need to do is get yourself into some individual counselling. It will cost money, but that is a small price to pay in order to really get yourself some help.

Zugzwang posted 1/14/2020 20:11 PM

Are you in IC? Having babies for what reason again! Are you even capable of taking care of these innocent victims of your need to be wanted? Life is never going to be a Disney movie or some romantic Nicholas Sparks book. You need to be enough for yourself. Get IC and get a life coach. When did having babies become a commodity for getting out of jail (parents house) and keeping men? You shouldn't just be ashamed of the cheating. You should be ashamed of why you had babies! You didn't mess up this time. You messed up when you started having babies to get away from your parents. Time to grow up.

Sanibelredfish posted 1/16/2020 12:03 PM

Edited because I missed the stop sign. Apologies.

[This message edited by Sanibelredfish at 5:54 PM, January 16th (Thursday)]

IDidntListen posted 1/17/2020 22:03 PM


in the midst of all my relationships it never stopped me from working, graduated high school in top 10%, & going to college and becoming a chef and taking care of my kids. i lived with my parents till i met sam.

while i was with sam i was the sole income earner and i forgot to add that with it wasn't just random sex related jobs like "modeling" or being a sugar baby i was a receptionist till i got my ServSafe Certification in college. my kids never saw sam and i argue nor did they have any idea of anything else going on.


both BH and i are in IC, MC and starting EMS online on affair recovery. im also going to SLAA meetings.

he sat me down and told me how much he loves me and even after all the betrayals he is still here because he loves me. he loves 99% but its the 1% that hurts him. we are committing to the EMS 13 week course to make the choice of R.

other that NC i've done full disclosure, my gps on phone is always on, no alcohol unless BH is present and i always take one of the kids with me when i go out.

redwing6 posted 1/18/2020 15:38 PM

BS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:38 PM, January 18th (Saturday)]

Zugzwang posted 1/18/2020 17:32 PM

You sound like you are justifying your actions by pointing out just how great you are in some areas of your life. And that makes up for your reasons to have men and children-why? Of course you are going to provide for your drug of choice. You need it and thrive off of it. The fact that you can provide for what you need makes everything better?

[This message edited by Zugzwang at 5:33 PM, January 18th (Saturday)]

FoenixRising posted 1/19/2020 07:23 AM

Oh... just wow... this was triggery triggery triggery for me but not in a way where Iím worrying about myself but instead, YOU.

Gently, what happened to you? What happened to you in the 15 years before you decided your perfect life with mom and dad was so imperfect that you thought to use your body in a manipulative way to get what you want? What happened to you that allowed you to feel good about this behavior to continue carrying it on for the next 15 years?

Iím asking because at some point, you have to look in the mirror and see yourself what you really are... this may hurt some but know Iím saying it with kindness in my heart in hopes to help you recover... here goes...
Sweet girl, you are so ill. So ill, you donít even see it and Iím scared for you. You are a predator. It isnít all these people that you werenít enough for... you were the predator that seemed out a relationship built on sexual promiscuity, multiple partners, childrenís fathers... youíve been using sex to manipulate men (and women) since you were a child. Why? What happened to you? Your behaviors are that of sexual predator and you donít even realize it.

You certainly donít have to answer any of these questions, but please be compassionate with yourself in these months of self discovery through therapy. Look into meditation if you have not already. If youíre going to do the work that you need to Order to rehabilitate yourself, youíll need a healthy outlet. In my experience with my own mental health, sexual abuse and professional daily interactions with emotionally disturbed teenagers, you have a lot of work to do on yourself before you can even think about your marriage right now. Look in the mirror. Look at what this is.... look at who you really are, who you have become. Take responsibility for your choices. Make better ones. Stop using sex to manipulate life. Otherwise, this chaos will never cease. Pm me anytime. I understand the sickness, I really really do.

FoenixRising posted 1/19/2020 07:25 AM

Oh... just wow... this was triggery triggery triggery for me but not in a way where Iím worrying about myself but instead, YOU.

Gently, what happened to you? What happened to you in the 15 years before you decided your perfect life with mom and dad was so imperfect that you thought to use your body in a manipulative way to get what you want? What happened to you that allowed you to feel good about this behavior to continue carrying it on for the next 15 years?

Iím asking because at some point, you have to look in the mirror and see yourself what you really are... this may hurt some but know Iím saying it with kindness in my heart in hopes to help you recover... here goes...
Sweet girl, you are so ill. So ill, you donít even see it and Iím scared for you. You are a predator. It isnít all these people that you werenít enough for... you were the predator that seemed out a relationship built on sexual promiscuity, multiple partners, childrenís fathers... youíve been using sex to manipulate men (and women) since you were a child. Why? What happened to you? Your behaviors are that of sexual predator and you donít even realize it.

You certainly donít have to answer any of these questions, but please be compassionate with yourself in these months of self discovery through therapy. Look into meditation if you have not already. If youíre going to do the work that you need to Order to rehabilitate yourself, youíll need a healthy outlet. In my experience with my own mental health, sexual abuse and professional daily interactions with emotionally disturbed teenagers, you have a lot of work to do on yourself before you can even think about your marriage right now. Look in the mirror. Look at what this is.... look at who you really are, who you have become. Take responsibility for your choices. Make better ones. Stop using sex to manipulate life. Otherwise, this chaos will never cease. Pm me anytime. I understand the sickness, I really really do.

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