"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Mortified posted 1/11/2020 10:50 AM

My wife and I have been together for 6 & 1/2 years. Married for 2. I haven’t always been the best partner and went through a lot of growing pains and talking to other girls. I had cheated on her while we were dating and then in a moment of weakness slept with the same girl again after we were married. This happened over a year ago but she just found out a few days ago. Kicked me out and wants a divorce. Ever since the married affair happened, I’ve felt so terrible and cut off communications with that girl after. I have been trying my hardest since then and she is hurting so much now. I cannot imagine a life without my wife and love of my life and i’m trying to reconcile with her but she does not want me anymore. I don’t blame her but the love between us is so deep and powerful i feel like we can overcome anything. She says she can’t even look at me without disgust and regrets giving me all those years of her life. I feel awful, absolutely mortified by my past actions. I am willing to do anything to mend our marriage and make her happy again. Not sure what kind of answers i’m looking for, just someone to talk to about this. As we have moved across the country and am away from friends and family. Sorry.

MrCleanSlate posted 1/11/2020 11:32 AM

Mortified,

Welcome to SI. First thing you should do is at the top of the Wayward Side forum is a pinned post titled "Things every WS needs to know" and read the first page.

She says she can’t even look at me without disgust and regrets giving me all those years of her life

The fact is that to your BW the affair just happened. She realized that her marriage was a lie and her world has just collapsed around her.

There is no mending your M. That was burnt to the ground by your cheating on D-Day. The best you can do is try to create an new marriage if your BW gives you the chance.

What have you done to try to show her you can be a safe partner?

You can start by writing out a timeline of your cheating and affairs. All of it. Be honest. Put your emotions into it.

You will get a lot more waywards offering advice, but i suggest you start now with reading the post I mentioned so that you start to understadn where everyone is coming from.

FearfulAvoidance posted 1/11/2020 11:49 AM

Welcome to SI. Sorry you are joining a club where we are ALL the worst. Be prepard for a bunch of questions from multiple people that you probably aren't going to want to answer. I encourage you to answer them anyways. One peice of advice I can offer if you choose to stay here and explore your infidelity is that anything that makes you feel defensive or uneasy is something you need to explore because answers lie within it.

So. You cheated on your wife before you were married. What did you do? Was it a one night stand or multiple hookups with the same person (PA)? An emotional affair (EA)? Was it more than one person?

When did you cheat the first time? What was happening for you when you did? Does your wife know? Did she choose to marry you anyways or did she marry you not knowing you cheated? You were together for over 5 years before you got married, presumably in a monogomous relationship. You say you feel terrible since the married affair. WHY DO YOU NOT FEEL TERRIBLE ABOUT THE FIRST TIME?

You've been married for 2 years, and your post marriage infidelity occured within the first year of your marriage. With the same person as before. What is the significance of this person? Who are they and why were they more important than the "love of your life" both before and after you made a legally binding commitment? How did your wife find out about it? Does she know everything? And I do mean everything. Anything you hide from her will come back to bite you in the ass. Trust me, and others here as we have been there done that and seen the devestation is causes both parties.

As for the here and right now, you need to let her be mad. Give her space. If you want your marriage make that clear. Tell her you are going to be a better person and then SHOW her. In that includes figuring out why you felt entitled to cheat and coming to grips with what it has done to your wife. The kicker is that you need to do all of this regardless of if she divorces you or not. You can't control the outcome of your marriage now. All you have control over is fixing the broken things inside of you and how you treat your wife. Everything else is in her hands.

IHatePickingName posted 1/11/2020 12:17 PM

Welcome to SI. It tends to be quiet on weekends, and there are a lot more active BS posters than WS posters, so your thread will be slower now that you have it here with a stop sign. But hang in there, you will get good feedback soon.

You might not get a second chance with your wife. But you can still work on yourself to become a better person and a safe partner (for her or a future partner). That work isnt easy, but it is worth it. This site will be way more useful to you if you are willing to face yourself honestly, and not hide from the worst parts of yourself. We have all been there, so when you feel defensive and called out, remember people are often speaking from personal experience. It isnt about shaming you for being the worst; its about facing the worst of yourself so you can change it. You cant change what you dont acknowledge and it is never too late to become your best you.

[This message edited by IHatePickingName at 12:21 PM, January 11th (Saturday)]

Mortified posted 1/11/2020 12:19 PM

the girl was a sister of a friend. we had gotten together when i was in a very dark place. after it happened i felt so bad for betraying my friend and we cut it off. it was never anything serious between her and i as i always loved my girlfriend, now wife. and yeah i know what i did doesn't show that i loved her. the circumstances of when we got together after i was married was a bit strange and coincidental it just seemed like we both were having the same feelings of marriage. after we had sex the last time i knew that those feelings i was having about marriage were wrong. and that all i want is to be married to my wife. throughout our relationship she had caught me a few times just texting with girls, flirting and receiving pictures. i chalk that up to the life i was living before she came into my life and not being able to let it go. being selfish and thinking i could do both (having a girlfriend and still living the same life) but obviously being terribly wrong the entire time.
now do not get me wrong, throughout our 6 years i have buckled down and been a great partner. i’m not sure exactly why i break down and muck up from time to time as she does literally nothing wrong and honestly is perfect to me.

Zugzwang posted 1/11/2020 14:17 PM

FIRST

There is no moving forward till you are willing to be honest with yourself. AT the very least your ideal of what love is. Cheating is not love. I am not one to agree that you can "always love someone and can't imagine life without them" while fucking them over behind their back. Just not possible. At the very least- you value/object love your wife. For what she gives you and what you can get from her. If you really couldn't imagine life without her- you never would have cheated. Be honest there. With her and yourself.

SECOND There is no such thing of

"in a moment of weakness"

Looking back you have the character and history of making selfish and crossing boundaries choices long before you chose to sleep with her- AGAIN> A history of neediness and choosing to engage with people inappropriately. It just never "suddenly happens". EVER for anyone. Take a step back and look at yourself and your behaviors for how many years you have been alive. You were weak long before you chose to go completely over the line.

Mortified posted 1/11/2020 20:06 PM

zugzwang,

i am ready to be honest with myself. i am trying to learn and discover who i really am. i think i always looked for assurance that i was still who i believed people to perceive me as. and to have that stigma that i could get any girl because i thought it was cool and everyone would like me more. i’ve recently seen how stupid that sounds and is. i deleted all social media about a year ago and found it helpful. i have been working on myself my entire life coming from rough background and no that’s not me blaming anybody else, it’s my decision to do anything i do. why i do these things, i do not know.

i’d have to disagree with you as it was a moment of weakness. i had gone home and missed my wife so much (not knowing what loneliness even was yet) and it happened. regretted it after and cut off communication. the thought of doing this act absolutely disgusts me.

forgettableDad posted 1/12/2020 05:31 AM

few of things you might not like to hear but need to.

1. You may have fucked up beyond repair and the marriage is over. In fact the marriage you had is dead. There might be a new chance at a different one. Either way; you can't know it now. You need to let go of it. You need to give your wife the space she needs to heal. Whether she chooses to grace you with reconciliation is up to her not you.

2. Words are cheap. Love is a word. Your love is cheap. You sold it to others, you stole from your wife. Nothing you can do will change the past. Own it.

3. You need to get your ass to a therapist and start dealing with the issues. The real issues that pulled you on this road. And you need to do it with an honesty which you currently lack. Don't lie to yourself, don't lie to your therapist.

4. You can't make your wife happy. You need to work on your issues for yourself because you want to be a better person. I don't know if you have kids or not. If you do, you need to be a better father.

Bottom line; you're broken. And because of that you can't fix shit.

Work on yourself; show consistency. Let go of the outcome (ie. your marriage). There are no guarantees for anything. No magic solution. Be a better you because it's the right thing to do.

Good luck on your journey; it's a hard one.

[This message edited by forgettableDad at 5:34 AM, January 12th (Sunday)]

Zugzwang posted 1/12/2020 09:16 AM

i had gone home and missed my wife so much

You missed getting validation from your wife so much you cheated. That neediness existed before you cheated. That is what I am talking about. You didn't have a moment of weakness. You were weak before that. A person shouldn't need someone else so much that if they aren't getting outside feeding they would hurt others to get fed. You were already selfish. You were already entitled. You were already crossing boundaries. There were steps to make that happen. There already was the predisposition and lack of moral integrity to allow it to happen based on your weakness and neediness. People don't choose to cheat unless they already had the desire to do so or were open to do so to feed a need. You just had the opportunity and took it. The very fact that you have done it more than once proves it. If you keep thinking it is a moment of weakness...you will never be safe. You will always be white knuckling it. Constantly just avoiding the situations that trigger that response. Why? Because that is your coping mech. Because you have done it multiple times and learned/changed/owned nothing from the first. Change your thought process because clearly what you think/believe didn't work because here you are again.