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Help to confess everything.

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Carissima posted 1/8/2020 17:44 PM

No stop sign, BW here. I've read your posts, you're very vocal about your love for your AP but nothing about your feelings for your BH. If I remember correctly the most you've said is that he was the better man.

I'm sorry but I think you're still 'in love' with your AP and 'settling' for your BH. I think he's definitely your plan B. It reads to me as if you're trying to persuade yourself that your BH is the better option.

You're also extremely blase about the sexual acts and your enjoyment of them. I have my doubts you will disclose the full details of the affair unless you're actually trying to force a separation. I don't know but there's something off about the tone of your posts -I'm not getting remorse, honestly I'm not even seeing much regret.

WilliamM posted 1/8/2020 17:48 PM

You have a lot to overcome. I will be a bit blunt but I am not trying g to be mean. I will try and be gentle. So here is a question for you. If your BH no longer wants to try these acts because of what you did with AP, but does want R, can you accept not doing these acts ever again? Or st least for a long time. As a BH who experienced this, I can tell you that it will be very triggery. It is something he will not ever forget. There is no way to fix this. No way to avoid triggers. And extremely hard to show that your BH is your first choice. He will see himself as the consolation price. The affair only ended because he moved away. If he was still available, the affair would stll be ongoing. If he moved back, would it restart? You preferred to be adventurous with AP sexually, not your BH. He will see this way. It does not matter that you say BH is better. Your actions say otherwise. I will pray for you and your BH. I know you expect a broken heart and an array of pain. But it will be far worse than you expect.

Emma1207 posted 1/8/2020 18:11 PM

I told him, he came home from work I said we that we need to talk, I sat down with him and started talking, I told him how it started, Places, schedule, when it started to get emotional, when it went to the physical side, how I hid it, why it's over (I tell him the real story of the dead friend), IC sessions, all this far.

I'll be honest I imagined his reaction in my head a million times and I didn't come close, he didn't scream, he didn't call me names, he didn't do anything, he stood there for about 2 minutes, turned to me and asked"why" and I told him that I am selfish, that I needed constant validation that I was good, that other people wanted me and when the AP started paying me a lot of attention this made my ego grow, and the more I received the more I wanted, , I knew all along that what I was doing was wrong but at that time I had only focused on my feelings and for 2 and a half years I forgot that you also had feelings,
and it was with the IC that I realized the damage I had caused.

At this point we were both crying but I think he was in shock, he asked me why to confess now, I also told the truth that I initially had no intention of confessing, that in my mind I thought the truth would destroy you, that would destroy our marriage, but that was my selfish mind thinking again, and it was with many sessions of IC that I realized that by hiding I was taking away your right to choose.

he asked me how I managed to hide it all so long (he never really suspected anything) I explained it to him, he asked me who else knew about the affair and I said besides the AP just some friends of mine.

I told him that I had everything documented if he wanted to see it, I told him that I had done two and the second one was a lot more detailed, I handed over the phone I used with the AP (has over 2 years of conversations, my IC didn't let me erase), emails and fake social networks we used, all my passwords, I made it very clear that I would answer any questions he had.


It was hours that seemed like decades, while he read a little of the conversations I looked at him and saw no anger I only saw pain, anguish, and all I wanted was to die, I just wanted to take all the pain and take it for me because I deserved it that and not him. I had never seen him cry so much, after a while he told me he needed some time because it was too much at one time, I told him that I was going to leave but I didn't think it was good for him to be alone and he should call to someone.

what killed me inside was when I was walking out the door he turned to me and said "Emma, ​​thanks for the honesty" my god I destroyed him and he still thanks me. I don't deserve such a person, he doesn't deserve a person like me, he doesn't deserve any of that.

for the messages his sister sent me she already knows everything but at least he's not alone. now i'm at my friend's house, he said he would call me when he was ready so i just have to wait.

After today I put something in my mind, if he wants divorce I will understand and I will not put in any difficulty but if by some miracle he wants reconciliation I will do whatever it takes to be the wife he deserve.

(I forgot to mention but we have no children)

Thank you all and now is wait.

Thumos posted 1/8/2020 18:17 PM

Put together a sexual bucket list for your BH's sake and willingly offer it all to him whenever/however often he wants during HB. Even if it does end in D, perhaps he'll be able to retain a bit of masculinity and not become a sheepish shell of a man.

I'm going to be a bit brutally honest below, and hopefully don't offend anyone, but I think Emma needs to really know the shit show of what's coming her way after she confesses.

My WW never put together a bucket list, but she claims to have never done anything sexual with her AP she didn't do with me. And she has been willing to have sex wherever, whenever I want it and in any way I want it.

That said, it must be noted that this willingness doesn't really fix mind movies. Just my experience.

In some ways, it can make you feel worse like you're degrading and dirtying yourself with a lesser person who dishonored themselves and you by getting into the sexual muck with their AP. The specialness is gone and you're just having sex (and let's be honest, many betrayed men here on SI have described the well-known phenomenon of unfortunately viewing their WW's as human masturbation sleeves in the wake of betrayal).

I think it does help with the pain of emasculation somewhat. Although you always know someone else "had" your wife and deposited their seed in her. That's visceral real stuff and hard to get over. Put on top of that a WW who was having pornstar sex with her AP... eh, I don't know, man. Seems insurmountable.

Thumos posted 1/8/2020 18:24 PM

he asked me how I managed to hide it all so long (he never really suspected anything)

He is in absolute hell right now, and it's only beginning. I can't even begin to explain what's going on his mind right now.

I urge you to read this article over and over until it really sinks in: https://survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/what-every-wayward-spouse-needs-to-know.asp

I will be praying for both of you.

P.S. Those friends of yours who already knew and said nothing to your husband? They need to go. If you respect him and truly want reconciliation, you'll cut those friends off ASAP.

Robert22205https posted 1/8/2020 18:39 PM


if I was in his shoes I don't know if I could get over it,

People are complex. This site is full of posts where the BS always thought infidelity was a deal breaker until it happened to them. The only thing you know for sure is your husband will be traumatized.

Do the odds favor divorce? Yes (and you know why)but it doesn't matter because you're going to confess anyway.

You have a few things going for you. First, you're confessing and expressing remorse; second, you're taking steps to fix yourself and to be a safe partner (for your husband or the next); and third he loves you.

In your willingness to be open & honest, be sure your tone of voice & words relating to the sex details doesn't sound like it's something you're proud of.

Chose your words carefully and do not leave room to imply (or for him to read between the lines) that the 'sex' was superior to your husband or worth the ultimate cost. He will memorize every word you use to speak of your affair - and ask you the same questions over and over and over.

Every conversation (for the rest of your life) with your husband about the sex details should include or start with something like:
-I'm ashamed,
-I'm sorry I hurt you,
-I wish I had coped with my 'sexual curiousity' and emotional needs in a way that didn't betray & hurt you

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 6:42 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)]

QuietDan posted 1/8/2020 19:50 PM

So, this is the unspoken ideal...
For whatever uncomfortable reason...
You likely did things with and for your affair partner the you did not do with your husband over the entire relationship,
because you valued and respected what the affair partner had to offer, more than what your husband had to offer...
Now, the question is....
Can you generate an alternative truth and reality for yourself and your husband that will be able to hold and withstand all the up coming challenges...

ShutterHappy posted 1/8/2020 20:09 PM

How do you feel about the AP at this point?

NotSureAboutIt posted 1/8/2020 22:33 PM

Agree with Carissima, it really sounds like you still love AP and are trying to R with BS because AP moved. Two and 1/2 years of adventurous sex. No sign that you love or respect BS. No sign of regret or remorse, other than missing AP. You probably should have just divorced BS before destroying him. Sorry, but I do not think you are a good candidate for R.

Thislife posted 1/9/2020 01:14 AM

Geesh... guys! HARSH!
Emma comes on here, follows the majority advice of this forum and the advice of her IC. She lets go of the outcome, does not TT, turns over all evidence, hides nothing from her BS, realizes he needs to process - vacates their home to give him space to do that, supports him in the fact that he should not be alone meaning he will begin asking for support and people will now know of her affair/betrayal and some of you decide - she’s still in love with her AP and does not appear to be worthy of reconciliation and should of divorced without destroying him with her confession. Her WH will decide if she’s worthy of reconciliation and he has already thanked her for honesty.

You may be right that the A ended because AP moved (my WS affair ended because he was caught by our DD) ... but it did end and this is the beginning of her taking accountability and as we like to say around here - pulling her head out of her ass.

ETA - some of the WS’s that give the best support and advice on here took more than a few months after the A was over to come out of the “fog” and undo their lies and see the truth and many more months to have the courage to speak it.
If I’m being honest - she’s done more in a shorter time to put her BS on to a path of healing than most that Ive read over on this side, including my WS. No... it doesn’t eliminate the A or the emotional roller coaster to come but it’s a damn good start!

Good luck in the healing process to you and your BS ... no matter the outcome of the marriage!

[This message edited by Thislife at 1:33 AM, January 9th (Thursday)]

Dragonfly123 posted 1/9/2020 06:35 AM

Totally agree thislife!

If Emma had just ‘divorced’ her BH rather than owned up to the affair she would still be taking away his right to choose HIS path! And I see nothing in her posts suggesting she’s still in love with her AP? I see someone who’s done a lot of introspection and I trying to cope an extremely emotional situation carefully and with consideration of her husband’s feelings.

Emma, you have done the right thing giving him his personal agency back. I can’t imagine how difficult that was for you. My heart breaks for your BH as I know too well the pain and shock he will be in but the more you answer his questions with honesty and empathy the more deeply he will be able to heal.

I really am thinking of you both.

BraveSirRobin posted 1/9/2020 06:59 AM

Those of us who have seen the devastation on our spouse's face, took the coward's way out with TT (thereby causing untold additional harm), and finally found the strength to let go of the outcome understand how hard this was. Nothing can undo infidelity, but you have spared him every other pain that is still within your power.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 7:01 AM, January 9th (Thursday)]

Carissima posted 1/9/2020 07:26 AM

Personally I don't see any connection with her BH. I'm glad I was wrong about the disclosure but to me there is still a disconnect, almost as if everything's a tick box exercise.

Emma1207 posted 1/9/2020 07:51 AM

ok there are many questions i will try to answer.

Am I still in love with AP? No, I haven't been in a long time.

Would the affair have continued if the AP had not moved? very likely.

How do you feel about the AP at this point? a mixture of shame and anger

All comments say that I must speak the truth, and that is the truth. It's very hard to explain but from what I see there's a lot more BS here than WS and I know it must be hard for you to read these things, it's very hard to explain clearly what was going on in my mind (a person's mind cheating), I did not wake up one day and thought "I will betray my husband", what happened was a set of bad choices that I take full responsibility.

Sometimes the way I speak may seem that I have no remorse, but I do, it took a while to appear because during the affair I felt guilt but not remorse, it was only after a long time that I started to feel, a lot of things make no sense and I will spend the rest of my life trying to understand. I don't want to divorce but I also know that it's not up to me to decide and I will respect whatever decision he makes, I want reconciliation because I love my husband (I know it's hard to believe but it's also the truth) and I want to show to him that I can be the wife he deserves.

He texted me to meet him so let's see.

ShutterHappy posted 1/9/2020 08:14 AM

Emma1207,

The way I see it, you’re getting a lot of comments from the BS to help with the confession. Now that it’s done, you could open a new thread (with a stop sign if you wish), to adress your brokenness. The waywards here have lots of experience with situations just like yours. If you are honest with them (instead of posting what you think they want to hear) you will benefit the most from their advice.

You may want to consider directing your BH to this site. If you do, don’t read his posts and you can ask him not to read yours.

The BS on this site can help your BH in some ways. It is often said that the pain he is experiencing is similar to losing a child if you can imagine such a thing.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 8:15 AM, January 9th (Thursday)]

Carissima posted 1/9/2020 08:17 AM

Am I still in love with AP? No, I haven't been in a long time.

Would the affair have continued if the AP had not moved? very likely.

With all due respect you have stated the affair only ended in September 2019 and you admit to continue being in love with him after the affair ended.

3-4 months is not a long time! It's in fact a very short timespan. Please remember the average recovery for a BS is 3-5 YEARS.

SaddestDad posted 1/9/2020 08:21 AM

some of the WS’s that give the best support and advice on here took more than a few months after the A was over to come out of the “fog” and undo their lies and see the truth and many more months to have the courage to speak it.
If I’m being honest - she’s done more in a shorter time to put her BS on to a path of healing than most that Ive read over on this side, including my WS. No... it doesn’t eliminate the A or the emotional roller coaster to come but it’s a damn good start!

I do tend to agree with this. I apologize if I came across harshly.

Emma, I don't usually root for WW's, but I do sense a desperate sincerity in your recent posts - especially from the update of when you revealed the cheating.

I'm rooting for you to do all the right things going forward.
The hardest part for you is going to be knowing what your BH needs and when he needs it without him having to feel like he's begging for it.
I personally would've recommended against leaving fully when he told you he needed time to wrap his head around the news, and instead, to have just gone to a different room waiting for him to call you back in, etc.
This is going to sound horrible and alarming to some who'll read the following, but since you were into bdsm with AP, it might make it better translatable for you as to what route you need to take:
you are now your husband's sub - and not only in terms of sexuality.
You need to let him know in any and all ways possible that he has the power. Shift the balance fully so that the scales can eventually redistribute themselves evenly as time goes on.

Question
How long did it take you to write up the timeline for him before presenting to him?

fareast posted 1/9/2020 08:25 AM

Totally agree with Thislife. Emma, be there for him. Help him heal regardless of the outcome. Continue your IC. You have a good start.

ChamomileTea posted 1/9/2020 08:29 AM

It's very hard to explain but from what I see there's a lot more BS here than WS....

If you get overwhelmed, you can ask the mods to reinstall your stop sign. Just open up a new "mod please" thread. Someone will PM you, and you can make your request. There is no stigma at all in doing so.

Emma1207 posted 1/9/2020 08:41 AM

Carissima that's the question, it's hard to explain but it seems that during the affair the AP was a person but after it's over and I started with the CI I started to see it differently, it's like the affair turns everything into good things, as i said i only realized that the AP was toxic after the affair, like calling me names, pulling my hair, he even physically assaulted me once, and I just didn't see it. When I started the IC and my counselor started showing me all this, this love I had for him was turning to shame that I allowed someone to do this to me and anger that I didn't realize it before.

SaddestDad The timeline was made a couple of weeks after the end of the affair, my counselor told me to write everything down so I could get a BS perspective.

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