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Help to confess everything.

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DoinBettr posted 1/7/2020 13:58 PM

Emma - I would recommend you write out the whole affair in 2 versions.
1 all about the emotions and the lies you told. What did you tell him when you disappeared? This will help him see the lies and how bad the emotions were.

1 with all the meet ups and sex, include positions, locations, and anything you did with the other man you didn't with your husband. Maybe even do all those things quick before you tell your husband. Then that will remove some of the hate he will have for you.

Ask him what he wants to know and give him the lies version first. Then offer him the other if he wants it. Warn him and confirm he wants it. Also, leave after you tell him. Have a way to give him space because he is going to need to collapse in or rage. Maybe even swing between the 2.

Good luck and you are doing the right thing. Your AP is the husband of your BS child hood friend. It will get out sooner or later. Don't listen to Buzzy.

BeyondRage posted 1/7/2020 16:46 PM

I don't blame my husband on anything at all, that was 100% my fault and I know it, I think that's why it's so hard, tomorrow I'll destroy his life and he has done nothing to deserve it.

Emma, BH here. First, consider yourself lucky you have a therapist that is not a quack and has not told you to keep your secret and continue to live a lie. You are one of the first since i joined here who has actually gotten great advice.

Follow the suggestion of writing two timelines, the triple X version, which you assume he will want, and the GP version. Make sure he chooses which one he gets.

Your last sentence in bold however predicts what he he going to do and that his life will be ruined. Temporarily for sure, and it will be different. So, as they say, let go of the outcome and just answer the questions totally truthfully.

You initial post says it all. You did it because it was fun, you never thought you would get caught and didn't. That is the why. Too many start to dig up all sorts of bull shit and more often than not sound like blame shifting or excuses.

Understand, probably over 90% of men if asked will say that a cheating wife is an immediate dealbreaker, but the fact is that is not what occurs in that percentage. You can be proactive in increasing your odds of a second chance. and the fact that your affair is over is helpful and that you are NC with OM.

You need to offer your husband without him asking total transparency. Every password to every electronic account you have.And i suggest you at some point offer up polygraph tests to help him believe you are NC since your girlfriend I believe is his wife.

Lastly, unless he tells you to directly, I would not just walk out of the house even though you have a place to go. If you are not there you cannot answer questions and it may appear you just do not want to be there when he hears it all. I told my wife to leave and she did. But she did not just take off.

You may not think so right now, but you are ahead of the game versus most. You are going to confess, you are not planning to blame BH and you have already started working on the timeline.

You got good advice from Life Destroyer. Had she done what you are planning to do, her situation might be totally different.

Good luck.

JBWD posted 1/7/2020 16:48 PM

A way to help deal with your fears as you approach DDay:

The choice is, from a clear-headed perspective, quite simple. Your options are

1) Continue to lie to your BH in order to ďpreserveĒ your M. If you believe this you will increasingly find(based on being here) that your M is not built on love in any deep meaningful sense, but rather in you using your husband to make you feel whole/fulfilled, when thatís not something you can pin on someone else. As much as itís said that cheaters lie (we do!) I almost find that the bigger trend is in USING- We take from others what a reasonably resilient person finds in himself.

2) Start living the life you should. Give your BH the decision you stole from him. Itís right to be afraid, itís not right to let that fear further your already heinous decisions.

Strength. Tomorrowís going to be hard, youíre at least on the right track.

survrus posted 1/7/2020 17:43 PM

Emma,

I understand that you are emotionally devastated to have lost OM love, but you have to get to work.

Here is a few things you can do to help your H.

1 offer to sign a post nuptual

2 offer to DNA the kids

3 offer to take a polygraph

4 Tell him he can ask for a polygraph in the future too

5 Tell him he can ask questions about the affair whenever he needs to and you will not lie to him

6 get tested for STDs

7 give your H access to all your online accounts

8 give your H access to you location on your phone

9 call the OMW and confess everything

10 give your BH everything keepsake from OM

11 don't ever trivialize what you did by calling it a "mistake" or a "fling" or similar minimizing words

What I have observed is that your best chance for forgiveness and understanding is to completely & immediately confess and not minimize, omit or blame shift.

If you do not have children do not get pregnant until everything is confessed to or you will be seen as entrapping him.

amethyst0323 posted 1/7/2020 18:01 PM

Hi,

Iím a bit late to this because it had a stop sign on but will give you my thoughts anyway.


Iím a BW, husband had a 2 year affair with cow


Firstly, itís good that the affair has ended and I think the fact that you are going to confess is the best thing all round. There are times I wish my husband had stopped the affair and confessed instead of him being caught out in lies because I always think if I hadnít found that bit would the affair still be going on.

You are 100% doing the right thing in telling him. You canít control his reaction and you canít now control what will happen to your marriage but if you want to reconcile successfully you have rebuild the marriage on honesty which is what you will give a chance to happen.

Please, please, please tell him EVERYTHING, do not leave any bits out because you donít want to upset him or you are scared he will leave. My husband lied for 4 months after dday1 and then confessed 95% of details immediately after dday2. Those 4 months are hard to recover from but he is working incredibly hard hence why I stay. The odd details that he failed to tell me caused damage too, because when they come out you think what else are you not telling me. Make sure he knows that you will tell him immediately if you do remember anything extra. My husbands TTís I believe where sometimes a genuine remembering from something I asked rather than an outright lie but they still hurt.

He is going to go through a raft of emotions over the next number of months and years. There will be shock, tears, fear, anger, frustration etc. You name it, he will feel it. It is a rocky ride and he may not want to stick it out but one thing I believe here is that the success of reconciling depending more on the WS and their reactions. People reconcile with WSís all the time but imo a successful marriage can only be rebuilt if both spouses work on themselves and want it. I think their are WSís who never truly do the work, hence why you see lots of post on here about new affairs years later. You are taking good steps to working on yourself but remember you husband is only just going to find out this info, so be prepared for him to not see a future whilst processing it all.


And finally, you SHOULD NOT tell the OBS. I would have hated to find out from the OW. However, the OBS should definitely be told and probably the kindest way is for your husband to tell her. Her husband (your AP) should not be warned that you are planning to do this either.

Good luck, it is going to be a really difficult path for you but whatever the outcome is important that you rebuild yourself and go forward with honesty and integrity.

Regretitall posted 1/7/2020 19:21 PM

Emma, please tell him everything. Do as others said and do a timeline. Be willing to answer every and anything, many times. When you can't, for whatever reason, explain why...you're busy at work, you will later, whatever the reason is. If you don't give a reason for why you can't explain at that moment, he will possibly think you are trying to lie or cover up or make him stop asking questions again. Personal lesson learned there. If you want any chance at R, and it's not guaranteed, he needs the whole truth. Don't put your BH through more hell by hiding details and TT like I did.

You have a long and hard road ahead of you. Both in dealing with your own thoughts and feelings and helping your BH with his. Good luck tomorrow.

ryno posted 1/7/2020 21:52 PM

Dear Emma

I read your post and you wrote the affair included the best parts of a relationship. You will need to consider what parts of a relationship your husband receive for the lasr 2.5 years?

You also wrote you defended AP. Was this a figure of speech or did your husband or another party sense the AP's sexual attraction towards you?

Take the opportunity to work out how much time you spent with AP and come up with a plan to make up this time for your BH.

Did you do things sexually and romantically that you haven't with BH? Be prepared to answer these questions and to assure him that these are now on the table for in your relationship. Why did you do things with AP but not with BH?

Have a plan prepared to ensure your BH's friendship with AP's wife is protected. Obviously, she will want nothing more to do with you and BH with AP. Somehow you will need to facilitate the viability of their relationship.

One of the feelings I felt was the gross inequality; the relationship was in imbalance as WW had the opportunity to enjoy sex outside the marriage. How will this be addressed going forward?

Emma1207 posted 1/8/2020 05:25 AM

The question of why was one of the first things I wanted to find out, and it was basically because I had a selfish thought that I had the right to explore myself, to look for something new, and if he did not know I would not have to stop because that way I would explore and continue in my marriage. What I realized too late is that I could simply have explored with my husband.


That's where the details come in that I swear he won't like because I did a lot with the AP that I didn't do with him, both my husband and I have high libido and my husband always managed to satisfy me in bed but when the affair started being physical was different, my husband is much better at sex than the AP, what made the sex good was the excitement, the adrenaline, and it made me willing to try new things with the AP, my husband always wanted to try Anal, BDSM, and I always denied him but I did it all with the AP. and as ironic as I am, I've always been monogamous just like my husband.

Sanibelredfish posted 1/8/2020 07:37 AM

Yep, youíre not unique in doing things with your AP that you would not do with your BH. Itís pretty common actually. The rest of what you said about the whys around that doesnít ring true though. Your AP was so ďmehĒ in the sack that you wanted to try new stuff with him. Really?!? That sounds like bullshit to me and Iím some anonymous yahoo on the internet. Your BH will likely have a stronger reaction than my incredulity. Nevertheless, if he wants to hear these details you need to tell him in as honest but as diplomatic a way as possible. Absolute honesty is your new normal with him.

Also, gently, you were not monogamous in the most committed relationship of your life. So, Iíd drop that from your vocabulary before you start talking to your BH about the A.

MrCleanSlate posted 1/8/2020 08:57 AM

emma,

Sounds like you went and played out your fantasies with your AP. Whether it is for sex or for ego stroking - many affairs are all about escaping the real world, and some are all about sex and fulfilling fetishes or whatever.

So, the problem is that your BH may not want to try these things because of the potential triggers, and if that is what you really want then how soon before you go out looking for another affair?

You need to start to examine what led you have this affair.

Emma1207 posted 1/8/2020 09:20 AM

Although sex played a big role was not the reason for continuing the affair, I liked the adrenaline of being with someone else. It's a feeling that you are in control, that this was my moment. I did not vary the partner, I think it was lacking in character. Each person has their motivations, which do not always make sense, but it was an exclusive decision, made without thinking about the consequences.

Being with someone else was a futile attempt to occupy an empty space within me. since I was a child I always had this desire to have control of everything, to dictate my own course. That's basically what I'm dealing with in the IC, I'm trying to be more vulnerable you know, letting people come into my life and letting them take their own desires.

MrCleanSlate posted 1/8/2020 09:39 AM

Emma,

Others will be able to help dissect what you are saying a lot better.

Over the last 4 years of reconciling with my BW I learned that communication is key to everything. It is amazing how much more satisfying life can be when we are true and share with our partner. It was a hard lesson for me to learn. Almost cost me my M. Today we talk about everything. And yes, we learned a lot about we both liked and wanted from sex and passion too.

faithfulman posted 1/8/2020 09:42 AM

Hmmm, well that is quite the pickle of a situation you have created for yourself...

It appears you want to keep your marriage.

It also appears you went way out to the edge with this man who wasn't your husband by giving him anal, BDSM-type sex that you denied your husband.

Does you suspect your husband has any inkling of wha you have done?

Please explain again why you want to keep your marriage after a multi-year sexual affair? Why not find another man to fulfill you in ways you did not let your husband?

***

You definitely need to confess to your husband, and soon.

You should test-run your confession here so you sabotage yourself less.

For example, I think this explanation, while there is some truth to it, is pretty bad:

Although sex played a big role was not the reason for continuing the affair, I liked the adrenaline of being with someone else. It's a feeling that you are in control, that this was my moment. I did not vary the partner, I think it was lacking in character. Each person has their motivations, which do not always make sense, but it was an exclusive decision, made without thinking about the consequences.
Being with someone else was a futile attempt to occupy an empty space within me. since I was a child I always had this desire to have control of everything, to dictate my own course. That's basically what I'm dealing with in the IC, I'm trying to be more vulnerable you know, letting people come into my life and letting them take their own desires.

If your husband is like many men, probably the majority, he really will want to know why you let this man between your legs, in your butt, and why you gave him BDSM sex.

And your answers thus far - "the sex was no good", "it was bad character", "there was nothing special about him" (paraphrasing), etc. are truly inadequate.

If you didn't consider him to be better than your husband, more worthy of sex acts that you would not give your husband - then why did you do it?

He will want to know.

MrCleanSlate posted 1/8/2020 09:42 AM

since I was a child I always had this desire to have control of everything

Were you abused as a child? Or was your home a toxic environment?

Emma1207 posted 1/8/2020 09:55 AM

when I denied this to my husband I denied it because I had no desire to do it, my affair seems to have cleared my mind trying new things, I want reconciliation and it is complicated to write how I felt. when I was cheating I had a vision of things, it wasn't until long after the affair was over that I started to see things clearly, so you have an idea the AP was very abusive but only after a long time did I realize that. I grew up without a father, he died when I was 2 years old and my mother had a thought that women should serve their husbands and nothing else, so much so that she went against me going to university to study.

Fenderguy posted 1/8/2020 09:59 AM

Providing sex acts with the OM that you denied your BH... especially with a friend of his... Iím sorry, but that will be an absolute deathblow to him. It is to any man. Iím not trying to be rude or mean, but that is the one thing that would make me file for D without any more questions. Iíd become a weekend Dad. Iíd endure financial ruin. Iíd do whatever I had to do to get away from the woman who valued another man sexually over me, her husband. The fact that he wanted to experience these things with you and you refused him, but happily gave to AP... one does not come back from that.

I believe this is one aspect of infidelity that cannot be overcome when a woman betrays a man. I know this has been a subject of much debate on this forum, but men just cannot come back from this.

faithfulman posted 1/8/2020 11:19 AM

Emma, you wrote:

when I denied this to my husband I denied it because I had no desire to do it, my affair seems to have cleared my mind trying new things,


The really hard thing about this is that your explanation is a rationalization, your mind was "cleared to try new things"?

Then why did you not try and offer them to your husband?

What your husband will almost certainly conclude, is that the reason you engaged in sex acts with the affair partner that you did not with him, is that you desired the AP more.

You were willing to submit to his sexual desires simply because you wanted AP more, and the reason that you did not allow your husband to do anal, or BDSM, is that you simply did not want to do those things with him.

You wanted the AP's sex more.

***

The AP was abusive? Please clarify that.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 11:28 AM, January 8th (Wednesday)]

Emma1207 posted 1/8/2020 12:21 PM

Look, honestly at the point where I got nothing that I say will make things any better, every hour, every moment I think of everything I've done the name divorce grows even more in my head, I know that because if I was in his shoes I don't know if I could get over it, yes I said that sex with my husband is better than AP and true, but I don't deny that sex with AP was good too, my god I fell in love by him. Was it a wrong love? yes, and I knew that, I cheated on my husband for 2 and a half years and every day I knew that what I was doing was wrong. why didn't i stop? because I didn't want to, like i said it was good, i won't lie to him, i'll tell him all this despite every part of my body saying this is a bad idea do you know why? Because I don't wanna be this person, I wanna be a better person. if it means divorce then i will accept it.
I know that for most here even reading this is hard, believe me I'm nauseous just writing here.
Thanks.

ChamomileTea posted 1/8/2020 13:04 PM

I don't think you'd be wise to do your confession today. Since you've done things sexually with the OM that you have not done with your BH, I think you need to prepare for the fallout from that by getting into further discussion with your counselor on how to tell the truth and still maintain some personal boundaries.

I've seen many men go completely to pieces over this subject here at SI. Some conflate particular sexual acts with love and convert the offering of such acts to an AP to emasculation. Things you might have tried and felt degraded by after the limerence of the affair ended suddenly end up being the lynchpin on which the relationship hangs. So, if it turns you didn't really like anal sex or BDSM, you'll need the strength to set boundaries despite how much you might want to repair the marriage. Otherwise, you could end up being treated like a sexual vending machine as proof of love.

This makes things complicated. I think you'd be wise to prepare for it.

JBWD posted 1/8/2020 13:04 PM

Emma,
Donít worry about the feeling that you ďcanít answerĒ here.

Quite frankly, a desire to control goes hand in hand with controlling this narrative. And you canít control it. You MUST learn to accept the fact that you made catastrophic decisions that have removed a reasonable degree of control from your life. Itís just how this is going to look, and your future has become a lot more chaotic.

Youíre getting a lot of good feedback here from BS and WS. Recognize that itís feedback and there might be no way to answer it right away. So take the criticism and put it on a list of things to address in IC and describe to your BH as works in progress. The fact that you donít have concrete answers that meet a degree of completion to the audience here matters not. What DOES matter is that you demonstrate to the man who gets to decide that youíre moving in the right direction.

The need to respond is a barrier to understanding, because youíre already trying to answer and not listening as a result. This process needs to be slow and deliberate.

Youíre starting a long process here, donít worry that an answer isnít immediately forthcoming- This takes time. Ultimately you wonít convince your husband of anything. Make the best YOU you can, and if itís enough then you can work to R.

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