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Help to confess everything.

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RocketRaccoon posted 1/12/2020 20:53 PM

Emma1207,

Just a short post.

All I want to say is that you seem to be on the right path to the best hope of R.

The steps you have taken post affair, is commendable, and if it does not save your M, you will walk out of this betrayal a better person for yourself.

All the best.

Losconang15 posted 1/13/2020 05:23 AM

BW here. Just wanted to say that I wished my husband wouldíve just laid it all out for me like you did. Youíre doing good. I unfortunately am almost 6 years out and I still feel like I have questions and doubts. Yes we reconciled, we do have kids but I wish to have gotten all the information and seen that my WH would have done work to find his whys. So while what you did was horrendous Iím sure youíre husband will eventually appreciate the gift he got. You at least did the work and gave him juice to swallow the shit sandwhich you just served him. Many of us didnít get that so thank you for working yourself and finding out your whys etc

numb&dumb posted 1/13/2020 08:50 AM

BH here fully reconciled 8 years past Dday. Just so you understand my point of view.

Right now the biggest thing you can do to help him is to answer all questions fully and honestly even if they hurt him or you. Never deviate from full and complete honesty about everything from now.

He is still in shock and will need a lot of space. It is good he is seeing an IC. He needs to understand that your A was about you and had nothing to do with him. Anytime he bring that up correct him.

At present he has a lot of questions. Those questions will get deeper and less superficial. The answers you have today are not the "real" why. If you stop there you are not only robbing him of the answers he seeks, but also the growth available to you after making such damaging choices.

I get that you don't understand it right now and that is ok, for awhile. You need to begin to dig deeper into some painful stuff from your past to fully understand the pull that the A gave you.

"I wanted to because I am selfish, bad, cruel, etc." That is a shortcut to the real reasons why your character deficit allowed the choice of the A to be made.

Those are the answers you have know and those are fine today, but they also point out that you are an inherently bad person at your core. All the optimism in the world will not repair you and your M without you getting very deep into the brokenness that still exists in you today.

When my W told me she was "bad," or that I "deserved someone better," all it did was make me hopeless that the M could be saved. The absolute worst thing for you, if your goal is to R, is for your H to agree with you. Right now he is clinging to the M because it was his safe place before and it is familiar and/or comfortable. Even with all the added pain. It is what he knows. Familiar and safe are not the same thing.

What he needs to see is that you are changing. That you have fixed whatever broken parts you have and are up to the task of becoming someone that would give him the best chance at a very bright future.

You know what doesn't lend itself to a bright future ? The idea that you are selfish, entitled and "bad." Don't put thought into his head that likely will develop on their own. Show him why your are different and that you are willing to make amends, even if that means he needs to leave the M.

Find the real why you gave yourself permission to do this and then gently help him understand and see why it wouldn't happen again.

This is early in the game. You will need a lot more stamina and perseverance if you intend to become healed and further to give your second M a chance.

Right now he is in shock. He likely hasn't shown you any real feelings about your choice to have an A. Once those emotions surface you will need to be in a better place yourself emotionally so you can support him.

He might may act out, make threats, tell you things that are very hurtful. He needs to let those things out and you need to fully understand the impacts your decisions have had on him. I'll say again, fully understand, what this has done to him. We are talking years, not weeks or even months. This is a trauma like no other. It takes a lot of time using the right tools to recover.

If you aren't up to the task ( I know you say you are, but you are still early in the game) the kindest thing would be to let him go and find someone else that would make him happy.

A lot of people will tell you that forgiveness is the goal and what you need to seek. Forgiveness comes with a very high price to any betrayed spouse. If that is what you want you have to earn his grace and atone for the wrongs you have done to the M. I would avoid MC at the present and both of you work on yourselves.

No shortcuts here. You get through infidelity, never around it.

Thumos posted 1/13/2020 12:31 PM

when I saw a friend of mine (she knew about the affair)

Are you or are you not going to cut these horrid morally reprobate enabling friends out of your life or not? Several people have asked and you keep seeming to elide an answer.

EDIT: Never mind, saw your answer. I recommend not delaying on this. Move quickly.

[This message edited by Thumos at 12:35 PM, January 13th (Monday)]

Thumos posted 1/13/2020 12:33 PM

It's very strange you know, he goes from super calm to very angry in a matter of seconds

Not "very strange" - completely normal for a human being who has been betrayed by the person he was supposed to be able to trust before all others, the person he stood with and took vows in front of a higher power to be faithful to.

BeyondRage posted 1/13/2020 13:58 PM

Emma

Who are these so called friends and how did they all become aware of what you were doing? Iif this was occurring on work trips were they co workers?

Your husband telling you that you should still remain friends with them is totally terrible and just shows he is in such shock he is not thinking straight and is heading towards rug sweeping. And it does not surprise me they told
You to have fun . Horrible
But not unusual

He needs the IC more than you do . You clearly stated why you did what you did which was honest and clear

You can clearly make a positive proactive step sharing with your husband the communication telling these friends that they are out of your life

[This message edited by BeyondRage at 5:56 PM, January 13th (Monday)]

DoinBettr posted 1/14/2020 17:09 PM

Emma - Gather up all the great memories you had before you cheated in the marriage and start writing them down. Hold onto them and write down little details as you go through this transition. You are about to enter into his hate/sadness whirlwind.
Good luck and know he can't be mad for ever. He needs to let out all the rage because he is swallowing more than even what he will be showing you.
When you think you are done, go back to those memories. They might save you.

Bigheart2018 posted 1/15/2020 08:31 AM

Excellent Post numb&dumb and I totally agree.

Emma1207 posted 1/16/2020 16:42 PM

Some updates, as I said earlier I'm at my house again, we're sleeping in different rooms, I'm trying to do little things for him (I'm afraid of pushing too hard) like making breakfast for him, I cook well so I made the food he likes this weekend, I compliment him and say I love him despite him after DDay said no more (I understand why).

We talk about the affair practically every day, I don't know if it's good to be reliving it everyday but I always answer everything he asks, the mood swings still exist and from what I researched is one of the last things to go away so I think that I have to get used to it (I'm not complaining)

he told me he is doing IC 3 times a week, he told me that his counselor asked him to focus on himself for a while, that eventually he will know what he wants for the future (I think he referred doubt D or R, but I'm not sure), honestly I don't know what to think of it but if it helps him I support.

This month I realized that I went from a dear person to enemy number 1 of all, I blocked all the "friends" who helped me with the affair, I realized that despite my fault they helped me and minimized my marriage and I I don't want people like that in my life anymore.

my husband texted AP wife but she was traveling for work so he decided to wait for her to come home to tell her, she should arrive at her house tomorrow.
I'm reading the books you recommended so thank you all.

HellFire posted 1/16/2020 16:56 PM

This close to dday,he NEEDS to talk about it every day. He has been traumatized. He is trying to make sense out of your nonsense, so to speak.

He is reliving it. Every minute,of every day.

The mood swings are what we call the emotional rollercoaster around here. He will be riding it for a very long time.

Remember, it will take him 3 to 5 years to heal from this. And he will never be the same.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:57 PM, January 16th (Thursday)]

gmc94 posted 1/16/2020 17:07 PM

I don't know if it's good to be reliving it everyday
It is.

You may find some enlightenment reading Peggy Vaughan's research (google dear peggy and you should be able to find a host of info on that website. It's dated, but I've not heard/read anything to contradict her study). She has some stats on talking about the A, and IIRC it was a slam dunk that talking about the A as much as the BS wants had a positive influence on the ability to R. I think the question was phrased we talk about the A alot, we talk about the A a little, or we don't talk about it. Those who did not talk about it were far more likely to D (hopefully I'm remembering this correctly, but you can look it up).

It's also good that he's focusing on himself. That's important (and painful) work, but the ONLY way forward is THROUGH it all.

Godspeed.


ETA: and I echo everything Hellfire said.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 5:08 PM, January 16th, 2020 (Thursday)]

RocketRaccoon posted 1/16/2020 23:44 PM

Hey Emma,

Out of curiosity, how long have you been married? Perhaps I have missed it, but I don't seem to be able to find that mentioned in the previous posts.

At the moment, your duty is to hold onto the rails as hard as you can. It is going to be a rough ride that you created.

Emma1207 posted 1/17/2020 05:26 AM

12 years married.

Maudlin posted 1/17/2020 05:34 AM

Emma Iím a BS, and I just want to commend you for being honest and open. Most (99 percent?) WS are not and do not realize how that kills a person, and a marriage.

You may not be able to save your marriage, and I know you know you killed it when you cheated. But you are doing as much as you can given what you did. That means something, for you going forward. It means you can be a person in an honest relationship someday- hopefully with your spouse- but itís going to be possible. I wish desperately, for my childrenís sake, my Asshat was in the neighborhood of this kind of growth. He is not. He will be broken a good long while, and continue to hurt our family and honestly himself.

Best off luck to you.

BeyondRage posted 1/17/2020 11:05 AM

Emma

Nice move blocking your friends but what exactly does
That mean ? Are these people your husband knows and has to have social contact with because they are in your social circle.
How did they help you ??? Itís pretty disrespectful if a whole bunch of people he has to face have been smiling at him knowing what you were doing
I suggest you could help your husband writing them a written communication telling them point blank why each of them
Canít be in your life anymore . He might appreciate that

Emma1207 posted 1/17/2020 20:35 PM

Are these people your husband knows and has to have social contact with because they are in your social circle.

everyone they knew was from a neighboring city and is not part of our social circle.


How did they help you ???

when I went to this neighboring city (usually with the AP) they created fake parties or meetings so that I had reasons to travel.

Striver posted 1/18/2020 00:22 AM

when I went to this neighboring city (usually with the AP) they created fake parties or meetings so that I had reasons to travel.

Exactly how many people were involved in this? Even if they were in another city, it shows how willing you were to set up this whole shadow life for yourself with "all the best parts."

BeyondRage posted 1/18/2020 08:34 AM

Emma

Exactly how many people were involved in this? Even if they were in another city, it shows how willing you were to set up this whole shadow life for yourself with "all the best parts."

Ok, there's a whole gang of people. How on earth did you make such a gang project out of this and none of these people did not think it was wrong at all. What did you tell them when you started sharing what you were doing.???

Are you still travelling for business to this same city where these people are??? If so, other than block them on social media, what have you thought of doing to convince your husband you won't be going out for drinks with them???

Your disclosures are great and in the right direction, but given this all happened out of town and if you still are in the same job, how on earth does he feel secure.

The OM moved, but does he still travel to this city or is he close enough to meet you there.

These are questions I cannot believe are not at some point going to go through your husbands mind. And if he is not SURE you are not even going for a meal with any of them sounds like this crew thought what you were doing was such good theater and entertainment for them that they might try to fix you up with another boyfriend.

You can make the decisions to proactively do things or offer them. I would be real concerned if your husband is getting into the rugsweep mode and trying to bury these things.

In a travel situation given the extent of your affair, I am clueless as to how your husband cannot ask for a polygraph at some point. Right now all he has is your word on anything.

You have done great on not blaming him for anything and that goes back to your first post where you flatly stated you did it because you wanted to explore, it was fun, and you never thought you would get caught, all of which turned out to be true. My WW also took full responsibility as you have and that is the ONLY reason we are still together.

You have a good chance for R as long as he does not try to bury anger and it comes out later.


Robert22205https posted 1/18/2020 08:39 AM

Emma ... I apologize if you already answered this.

How did you meet the out of town 'friends' (how many were there? .... were they couples?) that enabled the affair while you were traveling on business?

Did sex with the OM only occur out of town while you were away on business?

If the other city is only 1 1/2 hours away, did you husband ever ask if he could attend the party with you?

Did the parties require an overnight stay?

Did you and your husband double date or take trips with the OM and his wife?


[This message edited by Robert22205https at 8:40 AM, January 18th (Saturday)]

Emma1207 posted 1/19/2020 20:19 PM

Exactly how many people were involved in this?

5 people (a couple, a man and 2 women).

What did you tell them when you started sharing what you were doing.???

they all knew everything.

Are you still travelling for business to this same city where these people are???

no, the only reason for going to that city was for work, as i quit my job there is no reason to return.

If so, other than block them on social media, what have you thought of doing to convince your husband you won't be going out for drinks with them???

I did block them all, and I have no interest in going back to that city, I showed my husband all this but I don't know if he believed it, besides I stopped all parties even in my city (I don't drink alcohol, so I think that's why he trusted me so much).

Did sex with the OM only occur out of town while you were away on business?

Yes.

did you husband ever ask if he could attend the party with you?

No,he doesn't like parties very much.

Did the parties require an overnight stay?

most of the time the parties were just excuses, they didn't even exist.

Did you and your husband double date or take trips with the OM and his wife?

Trips never, dates yes a lot.

I am clueless as to how your husband cannot ask for a polygraph at some point.

I offered it to him but I didn't have a yes or a no so I'm waiting.

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