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Help to confess everything.

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BeyondRage posted 1/9/2020 08:50 AM

Emma

I did not wake up one day and thought "I will betray my husband",

This is true and not unusual. I would guess only a small percentage of men or women who cheat actively go out and pursue an affair like you had. it was not an impulsive one night stand

And the fact that you admitted that you did it because it was fun and you thought you would not get caught seems to indicate that you were also not unusual and you were able to compartmentalize both worlds which is probably one of the reasons your husband was clueless and that you did not get caught. Those that cannot do that wind up in behaviors that set up suspicions in the BS. So its not inconceivable to believe you still loved your husband.

One thing I am not sure anyone mentioned to you is apparently some of your girlfriends apparently knew what you were doing unless you just told them after it was over. if one of the reasons your husband was totally unaware was because some of these "friends" were either enabling you to cover your tracks or encouraging your affair to "make you happy", there is a good chance you are going to need to cut them out of your life, especially if these are people who your husband has in his presence who have smiled at him and socialized with him knowing what you were doing. If this was the case, if you get to R, you need to proactively offer that up because being around them is going to heighten his pain and embarrassment and blow to his self esteem.

And no matter what he is texting you, my guess is his emotions are going to run the gamut so i would not automatically assume all is well if he tells you he will rugsweep this. At some point he will get to ANGER.

MrCleanSlate posted 1/9/2020 08:55 AM

Emma,

Good for you for admitting your affair to your BH.

The best thing you did was to tell the whole truth from the beginning of disclosure. your BH is probably in a lot of pain right now, but it is a good sign that he wants to talk.

As with a lot of other waywards when I was in my affair I looked past a lot of things about my AP. Mostly I describe it like being at summer camp - it's all good times and fun and you can make all sorts of friends that when you get back you forget about them. The affair is not real life. Sorry to hear that your AP abused you.

During R with my wife she pointed out a lot of really crappy things about my AP when I'd be relating things we did or she read something on an email or text. It woke me up, but I also said one day that all of the crazy things she said/did didn't matter to me, I didn't care about her, I was in it for me.

What you are experiencing is the lifting of the 'affair fog' as some call it. you are now able to look at the affair with a more critical eye and see it for what it was.

You may want to propose to compose with your BH a No Contact letter to your AP. Your BH may also want to let the OBW know that her husband had an affair with you (your BH and the OBS are old friends are they not?).

WilliamM posted 1/9/2020 09:38 AM

I am glad that you are facing this. It seems that you are doing so with a great deal of dignity and honor (I sound so old saying that). For me, the first few weeks were the worst of my life, and that was in 2006 for me. I did not have this site then to help me through it. But my wife stood by me and made me feel that I was the one she wanted. She helped me, talked to me, answered my questions, and was just present and in the moment. Be present for your BH.

Chaos posted 1/9/2020 09:49 AM

OK Emma - you confessed. And [if you are being honest with us] you were forthcoming about everything.

Now comes the hard(er) part. The aftermath.

Few words of wisdom from this BS

* The roller coaster is real. Please - just because he seems to be holding it together for a moment - don't for a minute think this is a permanent state. His emotions and reactions will run the gambit and can change second to second.

* He has probably not even realized the full enormity of it all yet. He's barely touched the tip of his iceberg of emotions.

* He will question everything.

* Please - remain calm. You've told the truth. Good. Please - when asked the barrage of questions about the details (and most likely they are coming) - answer them honestly and with calm. Don't get angry, frustrated, shut down, deflect, blameshift, gas light, make lame excuses, roll eyes, deep signs, or mutter "this again" etc. You will most likely have to answer the same questions over and over and over and over. Know that every time he asks, his mind has asked himself 10x that much. Make sure your answers and calm never waiver.

* Take care of yourself because this will wear you down. More than the confession itself. Stay with your IC. You will need the outlet.

* Read from the Healing Library.

Others will be along to further guide you.


Jameson1977 posted 1/9/2020 11:46 AM

BH here. I commend you on coming clean with your BH. I can only imagine the anxiety you felt / feel now.

Keep this honesty up, no matter how hard it is. As a BH, the fact you confessed to him rather than him finding out on his own puts you in a better position, IMHO.

As others have said, he may ask the same things over and over, simply answer him. He will likely go through the range of emotions, this will be very hard on both of you, but if you maintain truth and honesty, this will give you the best chance at R.

JS84 posted 1/9/2020 11:56 AM

Just wanted to say that you REALLY lucked out in the counselor department. They almost sound like a member.

I also wanted to reiterate what BeyondRage said. Any of your friends who knew of the affair and condoned, encouraged, ignored, helped cover it up, etc or who isn't a friend of your marriage should go.

[This message edited by JS84 at 11:57 AM, January 9th (Thursday)]

SaddestDad posted 1/10/2020 00:48 AM

SaddestDad The timeline was made a couple of weeks after the end of the affair, my counselor told me to write everything down so I could get a BS perspective.

To reiterate what others are saying, your marriage very well may be on the way to being saved due to the fact that you got very lucky in procuring an amazing individual counselor.

Again, kudos to you for starting off doing the right thing in the right way. There's a long road ahead, but as long as you keep your BH at the top of your priorities & he knows it, there's a chance of successful rebirth of the marriage.

DoinBettr posted 1/10/2020 17:22 PM

I am glad you did the 2 timelines. He might get overwhelmed and stop on the second and go back to the more PG one. Also, he hopefully hides the dirtier one otherwise he will obsess over why he wasn't good enough to get you to experiment with him.
I was pushing for you to do those things with your BH first. The reason for other WWs is because then he would not have entirely bad thoughts/mind movies attached to those acts. It helps recover faster.

Now things you can do.
1) You said some friends knew. They need to go unless they were pressuring you to stay with your husband and knock it off. Otherwise it is like an alcoholic being friends with enablers who drink.
2) You are going to need to build a year or good memories here shortly if he is willing to reconcile. Start journaling now and write up ways you will make it up to him. Little things, like you will always wake up and make coffee for him Saturday mornings.
3) You should without complaint go do some activity he loves with him. Do it repeatedly and try to like it. I know the whole separate hobbies things, but if you hated golf and he likes golf, you get some clubs and start playing with him. This is so you remove distance you put into the relationship. Because I bet you cheated on your BH while he was doing some of those activities. I know, my wife did that. Now I can't even imagine doing something I used to love without getting my spider sense triggered and wondering where she is. You being there, kind of fixes that.
4) Think about the first trip you 2 went on together. These looking to ways to make it up to him that are tangible are really helpful.
5) One my wife is working on, which took her long enough, is she gives me a compliment every time she sees me without my shirt on. Ever since my WW's affairs, I have been self conscious. I work out like crazy, random people talk about how great I look. I can't help but feel fat and ugly. Kind of where his head is going to be at for a little while.
6) Write up a list of 30 reasons he is the best thing to ever happen to you. Send it to him and be specific.
7) Then write up 5 times you felt the most in love with him. Things that helped me I instigated from a book I read.
8) Something else and I hated hearing this and he will too. Continually tell him it wasn't his fault. Talk about how amazing he is and how he deserved better. All the time! Even think about saying this in front of other people. This isn't to put yourself down, but to make him feel he is desired. He is going to feel as used as you did during your affair times 1,000.
9) The last thing my wife did, which she did do right away was right a 1 page love letter. Her's was defining what she thinks love is. Of course it focused at me.

He will get through this and so will you. He didn't scream. He didn't hit you. He didn't hurt you. He felt he let you down. You said you are working on being vulnerable. Who could you trust more than someone who you hurt that then thanked you for doing the right thing?

Good luck!

Thumos posted 1/11/2020 12:10 PM

Emma how are things?

Could you let us know whether youíre willing to cut the enabling friends out of your life? This has been bought up
several times and unless I missed it you havenít addressed it.

There will need to be a number of very big changes in your life if you really want to turn from being a destroyer to a healer and ditching immoral friends who condoned adultery is a small thing.

jinkazama posted 1/11/2020 13:46 PM

Do you have any kids?

Zugzwang posted 1/11/2020 14:09 PM

I am sooo confused. You thought part of why you had the affair was to finally have some control in your life. Yet, your description of your AP is anything but

as i said i only realized that the AP was toxic after the affair, like calling me names, pulling my hair, he even physically assaulted me once, and I just didn't see it.
Sounds more like you were being controlled here. Clearly to any outsider anyways.

Were you already in an abusive or controlling relationship with your husband?

I get lying to yourself about just how great an AP is, yet I don't get thinking he is great while choosing an AP that actually abuses you and thinking that person is better than the current spouse. I am not talking lying abuse like we all do with our APs...this is actual physical abuse. And that was someone you loved and had an affair with for 2.5 years? Unless the current spouse is as well. If he isn't, then your husband has a huge hurdle to heal past because you chose an abusive AP over him for 2.5 years!!! The BS already have issues with the whole image of who APs are- to suddenly go from wanting a clearly physically abusive man to you suddenly waking up and realizing how great your husband is compared to him is going to be a mind fuck for your husband. You wanted to be abused. He isn't going to understand that one bit.

Organic2003 posted 1/11/2020 15:02 PM

Emma
You have had so much good advice and it sounds like an amazing counselor.

Two things I have not seen anyone bring up because no one knows for sure what your husbands reactions will be.

First is the very worse, is anyone on suicide watch?
This is a real possibility my son had to be pulled out of suicide. Please watch for this!

Second is the opposite, what if he forgives immediately?
He needs a counselor of the caliber you seem to have. After I found out my serial cheating wife had her second business trip ONS, I ran a bath for her and put rose peddles in it for her arrival home! I think I will just go barf now, but I really believed I should play some gross pick me dance. Later it emasculated me to an extent I can't even write about. Trust me if you saw me you would never believe I would humiliate myself like that. I am a large, strong, successful and very fit man.

I hope the two of you can move on to an amazing life. Good luck navigating this.

IHatePickingName posted 1/11/2020 15:46 PM

Organic2003 I dm'd her about the risk of suicide prior to the stop sign being removed. It was important to me that she knew that risk and i couldnt post it from my WS hat. But i am glad you are reiterating it here as well.

Emma, how are you doing? How is your husband holding up?

Emma1207 posted 1/11/2020 20:43 PM

Thanks everyone for the replies, these last few days have been very tense.

I will answer your questions first.

Do you have any kids?

we have no children.

Were you already in an abusive or controlling relationship with your husband?

No, my husband was never controlling, never prevented me from doing anything and was not abusive either.
That's exactly what I'm mad at myself, I simply don't understand how I couldn't see these things before, I don't understand how blind I was, AP spoke in a way minimizing the things he did as if they weren't big things. , the physical abuse was like this: we were walking down the street when I saw a friend of mine (she knew about the affair) I went towards her when suddenly the AP pulls my hair and squeezes my arm and starts saying that I it was crazy to do that, that someone could be with her and find out everything, when I said she knew he tried to minimize things by saying that I had scared him and that had been an automatic reaction from him.

First is the very worse, is anyone on suicide watch?

Yes, his sister is sleeping in our house. but I don't think he would try something like that, he was always very pro-life.


He needs a counselor of the caliber you seem to have.

He got one, I'll explain further below.

Ok, on the second day when he called me I went to meet him, when I got there it seemed like he hadn't even slept, started asking me a few things over and over (you all warned me, thanks) I answered them all, I don't know if he was testing myself or whatever, although he asked me a few things from the physical part. It seems that his focus is on the emotional part. During our conversation he took a picture frame of us from a trip we made to the Caribbean. and asked me if I was talking to the AP on that trip and I said yes then he took the picture and threw it in the trash, that was hard to see.

He then started to say that AP wife had to know, I asked him if he wanted me to tell her and he said no that he would talk to her himself.

he asked me if I was still in touch with the AP and I said no, that I had blocked him anyway.

It's very strange you know, he goes from super calm to very angry in a matter of seconds, just before I left he asked me what I wanted? why was I doing all this?
I told him that throughout our relationship I was totally selfish and stupid with him and that he deserves nothing of what he's going through, and I'm doing it because I want to prove that I can be the wife he deserves.
later the same day sister and best friend came to talk to me, we talked and even they hating me we kind of agreed to work together to try to sort things out, I told her that he should look for a IC (I talked with my IC and she referred me to a person) but he wouldn't listen to me so they were also trying to convince him to go.

Today he called me again.
he told me that his sister made him go out with her, and that he thought about having sex to someone to take revenge on me but that he is a coward even for that, I told him that he was no coward if someone was a coward it was me for cheating on him, that he is the kindest person I have ever met and that I will regret for the rest of my life having done this to him.
he asked me if he could have done something to stop me from cheating on him, so I said that 100% of the betrayal was my fault that he never did anything wrong and then we went back to "why", "when" "where", once again I answered everything, I offered him to take the polygraph test but he said nothing.
He broached the subject of people who knew about the affair, I told him everything (yes there were people who helped me and said it was no big deal) I told him that I'm going to cut all these people out of my life, he said I didn't I needed to do it for him but I said I would do it anyway because I don't want that kind of person in my life anymore.
I had a session with IC today and she told me that my husband had his first session too.
I wondered what he told me about cheating on me, I don't know, maybe if he did that it would help somehow, you know.

I started reading the books you all recommended, and just now he called me and said that I didn't need to stay at my friend's house, that I could sleep in our guest room because the house was mine too, well I accepted but I don't know if this is good or bad.

thank you all for your help, it would be very difficult to do this without the tips of all of you.

Striver posted 1/11/2020 20:56 PM

I don't understand how blind I was, AP spoke in a way minimizing the things he did as if they weren't big things. , the physical abuse was like this: we were walking down the street when I saw a friend of mine (she knew about the affair) I went towards her when suddenly the AP pulls my hair and squeezes my arm and starts saying that I it was crazy to do that, that someone could be with her and find out everything, when I said she knew he tried to minimize things by saying that I had scared him and that had been an automatic reaction from him.

So you went out in public as a couple with AP and with friends? How did this happen? What kind of life did you lead? That is not good at all.

Also, as I understand it, your husband is seeing your IC? That does not seem healthy either. He needs his own space, should see his own IC. Seeing the same IC at this point is too much like marriage counseling. MC at this point is a very bad idea.

Your BH may be the nicest man you've ever met, but it seems like you view him as a doormat.

Emma1207 posted 1/11/2020 21:07 PM

My job basically consisted of traveling a lot between two cities and this is how the affair happened, the AP traveled with me.(I'm not in this job anymore)

And no, my husband is in a different IC, today when I went to my session I asked my counselor if she knew of any news from my husband and she said he had made an appointment for today. (the two counselors know each other).

Organic2003 posted 1/12/2020 00:27 AM

Emma

Yes I think you should go home, it is what your husband wants right now. This may change but because you seem to "get it" and your answers to his questions seem to me to be as good as anyone could answer, you should go care for him.

Right now his amygdala is working in overdrive that is probably why you see his emotions changing every second. He is so on guard for his safety now he is in a constant state of fight, flight or freeze around you. The amygdala is sending signals to generate adrenaline it does not regulate the adrenaline flow.

He will be in a state of confusion, he will have safety seeking behaviors.

(Fight) Yelling or thinking about a revenge affair one minute to get back at the betrayer and throwing away photos. This may even become hysterical bonding as he tries to reclaim you.
(Freeze) Crying and saying thank you to you.
(Flight) Wanting you out of his sight.

This distress of trauma may look like - Come here, Go away, where the hell are you going.

Rinse and repeat for a long time but you seem to be a WW that can really help this man through some of this intense trauma. I hope you can prevent PTSD because that will mean years repeating the trauma in his mind. I actually think you hit him too hard with your confection the first day. The hard truth should have been spread out a few days. Thurmos's wife and others have used some kind of disclosure plan. Trust me what you did is way better than the gaslighting I experienced when WW made me believe I was loosing my mind, but maybe your fast disclosure was too harsh.

Right now you are a threat to him, I think you can prove that you are safe.

Have him drink huge amounts of water because a hydrated brain controls impulses and emotions much better.

Zugzwang posted 1/12/2020 09:27 AM

Trauma cycles too. It just keeps going around and around through the stages. Has your counselor brought up the levels of a committed relationship? To see where your maturity level is?

Be ready to answer those questions over and over. You eventually will be answering them differently as your mindset and perspective changes. You state you were looking for something different. For him, he will see that as a marriage issues where he lacks. Hence, seen as blaming it on him or the marriage. Eventually you will see that it isn't about that and just that you are unhappy with yourself. You didn't choose to find other ways to be happy with yourself or to change and find healthier ways to feed your need for excitement and control. You took the easiest way out and let someone else do it for you. You used sex and the marriage as a scapegoat for the real reasons why you did it. With introspection and self reflections, answers change as you change. Just be honest about what you felt at the time. BS focus on who you were. Not just what you claim now or who you promise to become.

An example of mindset changing. Many come here claiming to love their AP. After a short time they realize they know nothing about their AP as a person. They realize what they really love is the attention and ego feeding. Not the person themself and that anyone that did what the AP did could easily replace the AP. The AP truly was disposable and never mattered.

[This message edited by Zugzwang at 9:29 AM, January 12th (Sunday)]

Striver posted 1/12/2020 10:58 AM

An example of mindset changing. Many come here claiming to love their AP. After a short time they realize they know nothing about their AP as a person. They realize what they really love is the attention and ego feeding. Not the person themself and that anyone that did what the AP did could easily replace the AP. The AP truly was disposable and never mattered.

I think that would be unconvincing in this case, because it is a double betrayal. AP was childhood friend of BH. BH had a positive view of the AP before the A. It is not convincing to type the AP as a nobody.

Fenderguy posted 1/12/2020 11:16 AM

AP was not BH's childhood friend. OBS was BH's childhood friend. I'm sure he still thought of AP as a friend, considering the 2 couples obviously spent time together, so it is still a double betrayal.

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