I am terrified to write this post, but I feel like if I don't do it now, I am going to ghost this forum out of shame and never be able to use the resources I still really need. Please be gentle with me. I can't handle 2x4s. I can't look BS in the eye right now, because I feel like a self righteous poser.
Ok, let's see if I can do this.
My husband cheated or tried to cheat on me for 3 years. I found out all the sordid details in August, and have been on here since March, getting help, coping with my trauma, and working on my own issues.
Part of what I have been working on, and we have been discussing together, was the poor boundaries we had around relationships with other people. Basically, we allowed or condoned some level of EA's. We didn't realize the harm they can cause or how far they can go. We saw it as harmless flirting. We have been working on redefining our boundaries going forward.
But, while looking at my own behavior, I realized I had 2 EA's myself prior to dday2. And because we have been talking about what we allowed, I learned that I had twisted both the "rules" and my own actions in my head, to convince myself I was within the rules, when I was clearly not. I had an additional two EA's after dday, which I knew crossed lines but I didn't care because I was out in my head. It was a dealbreaker, I was divorcing him, and I was only waiting because I couldn't afford to leave yet. I recognize that is a justification as well.
My husband knew about each at the time, and condoned each. He didn't know how far the first two went at the time. He did for the second two. He still maintains he is not bothered by any of these, not upset, not traumatized. I have a hard time believing it, seeing how traumatized I am.
All of this info is to set the scene for what happened 2 nights ago. We were laying in bed, discussing the fact I am Bi. My husband said, "You were only ever with one woman right? [Name]?" I almost threw up. In that moment, I realized that my "relationship" with her was an exit affair in my first marriage. Everything came flooding back and I realized that the version of events I have believed happened for 11 years isn't true. It is all twisted to minimize, hide, or justify me doing what I now know is all the classic cheater crap I despise.
My ex and I parted amicably, he is happily remarried with two kids, and we have always kept in contact and are still friends. And I just realized how badly I used him. Again, the relationship was, at the time, known to him and I had consent. So I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. He also slept with her, I used that fact to justify stuff too.
But now I see that I lied to him about what I did, how long it happened, and the reasons why I left him. And I lied to myself and rewrote the last two years of our relationship to justify it all to myself. I did things I never would have any other time, took risks with our health I can't believe, and was generally every worst stereotype of a cheater there is. I am sick.
I always knew I was good at lying to myself, or convincing myself of things. I have done tons of therapy about this, as it relates to my anxiety and depression. But I don't know how I convinced myself so well that I didn't even know I did it. For over a decade after it ended. I hate myself.
I also realized, when I realized this, that I was capable of taking it that far. In the EA's, I never really believed I would. I justified it as a game, fantasy. But two nights ago when I was reliving the whole sickening affair in my head, I realized that I had actually tried to find ways to meet the AP's and that I was only saved from making this further horrible choice by proximity and lack of finances to travel. I had to confess that to my husband yesterday too.
He is trying to comfort me but I am destroyed. I don't believe I deserve support as a BS anymore because I am clearly horrible myself. And I am reliving my own worst moments of trauma as well, as I anticipate when he finally processes how far I sunk. He can't right now because his mom, sister, and nephew arrived yesterday for the weekend. I hate that I dumped it on him then but I flooded and couldn't keep it in.
I don't feel I deserve help now as a BS. I think I deserve the pain I got. I am keeping the stop sign so other BS can't agree with me on that point, because I can't handle it right now. I don't know if I will ever be able to post again. I am so ashamed of myself.
My husband has assured me he isn't going anywhere, and told me that we will work through this together. He said, "remember, we are letting go of the outcome, and working to be better people. Now you know where you need to do some work, so you can do it."
I am a mess again, but he made me take my medication prescribed to get me through the summer's trauma, so I am able to be calm and can hopefully get through the weekend of Christmas and my son's birthday fun. And I know what I have to do to work on myself, and will do it. I already have dug into it a lot with what I did know.
I just had to come clean here. I am sorry for lying to you by leaving this out before. I did it initially because I needed such acute help to stay alive, and only recently dug into it myself as I stabilized from the trauma. I was afraid to post it then because of the threads recently vilifying all WS. I am just so broken right now that I could't take that. But I had to now because I can't bring myself to post anything else now that I know I am a liar and a cheater and I have deceived you all in receiving your comfort and help. I am so sorry.