It is night time and I made my first post earlier tonight. I have decided to tell my story, from the beginning, and it will likely take a few posts to get it all out. It will be in detail, as much as I can remember, and it may go back and forth as I recall and try to piece it all together. I warn you now, it will be a novel once it is all out.
I write this to get it out of my mind, to show other people and maybe they can relate in some way, they are not alone, and to get any comments, advice, input that anyone wants to share, good or bad.
My SO has told me that he has posted on this site before, and that was told to GTFO of this relationship and move on. As you read this, and as I write it all out, you will understand why. I do not know his username, nor have I found the post. I do not write this with the intention of him finding it, but I assume he will at some point.
I should also mention that there was a lot that happened before I met him. I grew up in your average nuclear family. Mom, dad, brother, dog. Dad worked every day to put food on the table, he was there for hockey and ringette and soccer. Mom stayed at home when we were young, started to work when we were older. I had a great childhood, happy, content. And then it all fell apart. I was sexually assaulted when I was 14, by people unknown to me. I fell into a depression and started to self harm, drink, and do drugs, to the point of smoking crystal meth. I was promiscuous, sold myself for alcohol and drugs. I could not stand to be sober. I was put into therapy, put on anti depressants that did not help. It ended with me being forcibly taken to the psych ward of the hospital for people under 18 where I spent the end of August, September, and October of 2003. I was 15. After I was released I told my parents I could not stay in the city I was in. That I would end up a prostitute, or dead. My mother agreed to split up the family and move us to another big city a few hours away. This was near the end of October 2003. I started going to grade 10 at a local high school. They put me in the remedial class as I had obvious issues. I still went out to party, still smoked weed and drank. I did not go to counselling. I treated my mother badly. I spent nights out and didn't come home. I stole money from her bank account that was shared with my father. He blamed her and got upset that he could not afford to have her keep spending so much. She did not understand what he was talking about, so she started to scrimp and save and do everything she could to not spend money, not aware that I was the one stealing it. She even had the church drop off a food package once as she could not afford to buy groceries, worried about the money she was spending in the eyes of my father. I did eventually tell my mother the truth, I do not recall if I have told my father.
It was the summer of grade 10 going into 11 that I met my SO.
It started when I was 16, he was 24. The summer of 2004. We had met through mutual friends. He was renting a room from the family of a couple of brothers I was friends with in grade 10, high school. I started to date the one brother. Well, we sometimes held hands, but he didn't want anyone to know about us because it would ruin his reputation or something. We mostly hung out and drank, and smoked weed. We had sex once, it was strange and short. I had seen C (my SO, I will call him C from here on out) at the house before, talked to him briefly. He made us pasta one evening. Another night he came into the room to ask for a lighter. I had also seen him at another friend's house. I was sitting in the corner of the kitchen, with my black hair and black clothes being moody. Everyone there wanted to talk to him, but he ignored them all and came to speak to me, asking why I was sitting alone in a corner. I saw him another time at the house he was working on, my boyfriend and I had gone to pick up weed from him. At some point, I do not remember how, he gave me his pager number so I could just call him direct to pick up instead of having to go through my boyfriend at the time. I remember meeting him once outside of the school near where I lived where we talked and he gave me his jacket to keep me warm. There was another time that he came over to a friends house, it was him, myself, my boyfriend and another friend and we were hanging out. There was a piano, I used to play and was in lessons when I was 12-14. I started to play the basic notes of the song 'Right Here Waiting' by Richard Marx. He told me later he thought I was playing it for him. He was right. To this day, if I hear that song, I cry. 15 years later, and it hits me hard still. That day he drove me work, I remember being in the car with him, and we talked. One day I paged him to pick up, and we met downtown. We ended up walking around and talking for 8 hours, ending the night by watching fireworks from a hill overlooking downtown. I remember that night, I hold it close, and it hurts so much to know how horribly I would end up treating him after.
One night he invited me over. I came to his place dressed in a short skirt and heels. I dressed like that to make him want me, in the only way I knew how. Nobody could possibly want me for me, I was a terrible person, broken and damaged goods. On the train ride there some guy started to talk to me, inviting me to a party. I said I had plans, but didn't know how to say no. He talked to me while I waited for the bus, and in the end I gave him a fake number so he would leave. I remember seeing someone off in the distance, a block or so away in an orange sweater watching. I didn't realise until after that is was C. He asked me about the guy, I don't remember what I told him, but I am sure I lied. We walked to his place. I had brought a bottle of vodka. I started to drink it. We spent the whole night awake, talking, watching TV. I stopped drinking earlier in the night. We would go outside to smoke and talk. I remember sitting on the one side of the couch throughout the evening. Every time he got up and came back, he would end up a little closer to me, so that hours later, he was beside me under the same blanket. He told me later that he didn't try anything with me as he was waiting for me to sober up. He didn't want to do anything while I was drinking or drunk. He always had my best interests at heart, always cared deeply for me and my well being. As we laid on the floor under a blanket and with some pillows watching a movie, he kissed me. We eventually got up and went to the bedroom where we were intimate for the first time. I remember there was a dresser with mirror, and him holding me while on top of me saying something about how good we look together. It was morning by this time. We went and took a shower together. After he had his friend pick us up so he could take me home. He was in the passenger side and put his arm around the chair so he could put his hand on my leg and be touching me throughout the trip. This is very hard to write, I am struggling through tears, the pain I caused, the dreams and hopes and time I stole from him. I can't believe I brought us to where we are now, that I destroyed everything, absolutely everything. What he is going through is a million times worse, I know it. I killed him. I broke his heart over and over, I crushed his soul, and turned his life into a living hell that he had no choice in. I've put him a position he never should have been in, pain to stay with me, and pain to be without. Anyway, I am getting off topic, getting emotional. I will continue with the story.
I was still dating the other guy from school, I had not broken up with him yet. After that night, I did. My relationship with C started as me cheating. As most of you probably know, a relationship that starts like that, is already at a negative and will inevitably be broken and damaged.
After that night we had talked on the phone. I told him I didn't want to live at home and I wanted to move in with him. He told me it would best for me to stay at home and continue going to school and we could see still each other but we should wait and take our time before taking that step. I took it as a rejection. In hindsight I know now that he had my best interests at heart. He wanted the best for me. He was mature and understood things about life that I didn't. I wanted what I wanted, and I wanted it now. I thought I was an adult, old enough to make these kind of choices and live life however I wanted. After that conversation I became upset. I decided to reach out to a friend from school that I knew had access to hard drugs. He took me to a house where meth was available. I started using again, along with drinking and smoking weed as well. At the beginning, I was still at home. I stole my mom's van to take other junkies to go and break into houses that were just being built. I drove recklessly, causing damage to the vehicle. My mom and dad ended up having to spend a bunch of money to get it fixed, not knowing how it happened. My father of course blamed my mother. I broke into the house through a window with the others while my mom was at work so we could hang out. We trashed the place basically. My mom had to pay the landlord to fix it. My mother told me one night that she wasn't going to put up with it anymore and I had to make a choice to stay and straighten up, or leave. I chose to leave. I remember her crying at the door as I walked away with my suitcase. I didn't realise it then, but I would never be back. I went and stayed with my friend P. The next day we had to go get our pictures taken for the school lanyard. I told him and his parents I would be leaving, to go and stay in the drug house. They tried to convince me not to, but I did not listen.
I went back to that house and continued to use. I do not remember how many days went by, I didn't sleep, I didn't eat, I just got high. There was a time where I didn't have any, so I flirted with some random guy that did so that he would want to share with me. I agreed to go to his place. Once we got there, I made out with him and then he went to another room. This is all very blurry and hard to remember, but I am doing my best. I grabbed the drugs and ran out of the house, ran and ran until I thought I was far enough away he wouldn't find me. This would be the first time I cheated on C. After that, I stayed at the house for a bit more, I lost my job at a restaurant working in the kitchen because I went to work high and then missed my next shift. C managed to get a hold me through the phone. We talked. He wanted me to meet with him and my mom so they could get me back home and healthy again. I freaked out. I told him I would call him later. I did not. Instead I decided I needed to get out of that house and somewhere else where they couldn't find me. I ended up running into a COW from the restaurant. I didn't know he used hard drugs, but I found out he did. I asked to stay with him. He agreed. I went to his place where he lived with a roommate that was a dealer. They shared the drugs with me. I started to flirt and be sweet to COW so he would let me stay and continue getting high. One night in his room we made out, and I gave him hand job. After I went into the living room to get high. COW and roommate decided they needed a new place and they were going to go to some viewings. They told me to act like COW was my partner, it would look better to the landlords. I agreed. We held hands and acted like a couple. This would be the second time I cheated on C. At some point while staying there, C called. Someone else answered. I told them to tell him I wasn't there, or I was busy, I can't remember. I didn't want to talk to him because I knew he wanted to find me and get me clean and take me home.
After that, school started. I went to my first day. I went high. At lunch time I was walking back to the school when I heard someone call my name from behind. I turned around and it was C in his orange hoodie. If I recall correctly, all I said was 'you'. He asked me if I wanted to come with him. I said yes, so we left. He told me later that he came there with the jewellery I had left at his place. If I looked healthy and happy, he was going to give it back and tell me to have a nice life. Instead I looked like shit, sunken cheeks, messed up hair, weight loss. We started walking to take transit back to his place. He asked me then if anything happened while I was gone, to tell him the truth so we could deal with it and move on. I lied. I said nothing happened.
This is where I stop writing tonight. I am tired, my brain is fried, and I have to work in the morning. This is just the first 3 months of us knowing each other. The first of the cheating, the first of the lies. It gets worse, much, much worse. It will likely take me days to write it all out. Thank you for reading so far. I will continue later.
