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Kitchentable123 posted 12/9/2019 02:03 AM

It is night time and I made my first post earlier tonight. I have decided to tell my story, from the beginning, and it will likely take a few posts to get it all out. It will be in detail, as much as I can remember, and it may go back and forth as I recall and try to piece it all together. I warn you now, it will be a novel once it is all out.

I write this to get it out of my mind, to show other people and maybe they can relate in some way, they are not alone, and to get any comments, advice, input that anyone wants to share, good or bad.

My SO has told me that he has posted on this site before, and that was told to GTFO of this relationship and move on. As you read this, and as I write it all out, you will understand why. I do not know his username, nor have I found the post. I do not write this with the intention of him finding it, but I assume he will at some point.

I should also mention that there was a lot that happened before I met him. I grew up in your average nuclear family. Mom, dad, brother, dog. Dad worked every day to put food on the table, he was there for hockey and ringette and soccer. Mom stayed at home when we were young, started to work when we were older. I had a great childhood, happy, content. And then it all fell apart. I was sexually assaulted when I was 14, by people unknown to me. I fell into a depression and started to self harm, drink, and do drugs, to the point of smoking crystal meth. I was promiscuous, sold myself for alcohol and drugs. I could not stand to be sober. I was put into therapy, put on anti depressants that did not help. It ended with me being forcibly taken to the psych ward of the hospital for people under 18 where I spent the end of August, September, and October of 2003. I was 15. After I was released I told my parents I could not stay in the city I was in. That I would end up a prostitute, or dead. My mother agreed to split up the family and move us to another big city a few hours away. This was near the end of October 2003. I started going to grade 10 at a local high school. They put me in the remedial class as I had obvious issues. I still went out to party, still smoked weed and drank. I did not go to counselling. I treated my mother badly. I spent nights out and didn't come home. I stole money from her bank account that was shared with my father. He blamed her and got upset that he could not afford to have her keep spending so much. She did not understand what he was talking about, so she started to scrimp and save and do everything she could to not spend money, not aware that I was the one stealing it. She even had the church drop off a food package once as she could not afford to buy groceries, worried about the money she was spending in the eyes of my father. I did eventually tell my mother the truth, I do not recall if I have told my father.

It was the summer of grade 10 going into 11 that I met my SO.

It started when I was 16, he was 24. The summer of 2004. We had met through mutual friends. He was renting a room from the family of a couple of brothers I was friends with in grade 10, high school. I started to date the one brother. Well, we sometimes held hands, but he didn't want anyone to know about us because it would ruin his reputation or something. We mostly hung out and drank, and smoked weed. We had sex once, it was strange and short. I had seen C (my SO, I will call him C from here on out) at the house before, talked to him briefly. He made us pasta one evening. Another night he came into the room to ask for a lighter. I had also seen him at another friend's house. I was sitting in the corner of the kitchen, with my black hair and black clothes being moody. Everyone there wanted to talk to him, but he ignored them all and came to speak to me, asking why I was sitting alone in a corner. I saw him another time at the house he was working on, my boyfriend and I had gone to pick up weed from him. At some point, I do not remember how, he gave me his pager number so I could just call him direct to pick up instead of having to go through my boyfriend at the time. I remember meeting him once outside of the school near where I lived where we talked and he gave me his jacket to keep me warm. There was another time that he came over to a friends house, it was him, myself, my boyfriend and another friend and we were hanging out. There was a piano, I used to play and was in lessons when I was 12-14. I started to play the basic notes of the song 'Right Here Waiting' by Richard Marx. He told me later he thought I was playing it for him. He was right. To this day, if I hear that song, I cry. 15 years later, and it hits me hard still. That day he drove me work, I remember being in the car with him, and we talked. One day I paged him to pick up, and we met downtown. We ended up walking around and talking for 8 hours, ending the night by watching fireworks from a hill overlooking downtown. I remember that night, I hold it close, and it hurts so much to know how horribly I would end up treating him after.

One night he invited me over. I came to his place dressed in a short skirt and heels. I dressed like that to make him want me, in the only way I knew how. Nobody could possibly want me for me, I was a terrible person, broken and damaged goods. On the train ride there some guy started to talk to me, inviting me to a party. I said I had plans, but didn't know how to say no. He talked to me while I waited for the bus, and in the end I gave him a fake number so he would leave. I remember seeing someone off in the distance, a block or so away in an orange sweater watching. I didn't realise until after that is was C. He asked me about the guy, I don't remember what I told him, but I am sure I lied. We walked to his place. I had brought a bottle of vodka. I started to drink it. We spent the whole night awake, talking, watching TV. I stopped drinking earlier in the night. We would go outside to smoke and talk. I remember sitting on the one side of the couch throughout the evening. Every time he got up and came back, he would end up a little closer to me, so that hours later, he was beside me under the same blanket. He told me later that he didn't try anything with me as he was waiting for me to sober up. He didn't want to do anything while I was drinking or drunk. He always had my best interests at heart, always cared deeply for me and my well being. As we laid on the floor under a blanket and with some pillows watching a movie, he kissed me. We eventually got up and went to the bedroom where we were intimate for the first time. I remember there was a dresser with mirror, and him holding me while on top of me saying something about how good we look together. It was morning by this time. We went and took a shower together. After he had his friend pick us up so he could take me home. He was in the passenger side and put his arm around the chair so he could put his hand on my leg and be touching me throughout the trip. This is very hard to write, I am struggling through tears, the pain I caused, the dreams and hopes and time I stole from him. I can't believe I brought us to where we are now, that I destroyed everything, absolutely everything. What he is going through is a million times worse, I know it. I killed him. I broke his heart over and over, I crushed his soul, and turned his life into a living hell that he had no choice in. I've put him a position he never should have been in, pain to stay with me, and pain to be without. Anyway, I am getting off topic, getting emotional. I will continue with the story.

I was still dating the other guy from school, I had not broken up with him yet. After that night, I did. My relationship with C started as me cheating. As most of you probably know, a relationship that starts like that, is already at a negative and will inevitably be broken and damaged.

After that night we had talked on the phone. I told him I didn't want to live at home and I wanted to move in with him. He told me it would best for me to stay at home and continue going to school and we could see still each other but we should wait and take our time before taking that step. I took it as a rejection. In hindsight I know now that he had my best interests at heart. He wanted the best for me. He was mature and understood things about life that I didn't. I wanted what I wanted, and I wanted it now. I thought I was an adult, old enough to make these kind of choices and live life however I wanted. After that conversation I became upset. I decided to reach out to a friend from school that I knew had access to hard drugs. He took me to a house where meth was available. I started using again, along with drinking and smoking weed as well. At the beginning, I was still at home. I stole my mom's van to take other junkies to go and break into houses that were just being built. I drove recklessly, causing damage to the vehicle. My mom and dad ended up having to spend a bunch of money to get it fixed, not knowing how it happened. My father of course blamed my mother. I broke into the house through a window with the others while my mom was at work so we could hang out. We trashed the place basically. My mom had to pay the landlord to fix it. My mother told me one night that she wasn't going to put up with it anymore and I had to make a choice to stay and straighten up, or leave. I chose to leave. I remember her crying at the door as I walked away with my suitcase. I didn't realise it then, but I would never be back. I went and stayed with my friend P. The next day we had to go get our pictures taken for the school lanyard. I told him and his parents I would be leaving, to go and stay in the drug house. They tried to convince me not to, but I did not listen.

I went back to that house and continued to use. I do not remember how many days went by, I didn't sleep, I didn't eat, I just got high. There was a time where I didn't have any, so I flirted with some random guy that did so that he would want to share with me. I agreed to go to his place. Once we got there, I made out with him and then he went to another room. This is all very blurry and hard to remember, but I am doing my best. I grabbed the drugs and ran out of the house, ran and ran until I thought I was far enough away he wouldn't find me. This would be the first time I cheated on C. After that, I stayed at the house for a bit more, I lost my job at a restaurant working in the kitchen because I went to work high and then missed my next shift. C managed to get a hold me through the phone. We talked. He wanted me to meet with him and my mom so they could get me back home and healthy again. I freaked out. I told him I would call him later. I did not. Instead I decided I needed to get out of that house and somewhere else where they couldn't find me. I ended up running into a COW from the restaurant. I didn't know he used hard drugs, but I found out he did. I asked to stay with him. He agreed. I went to his place where he lived with a roommate that was a dealer. They shared the drugs with me. I started to flirt and be sweet to COW so he would let me stay and continue getting high. One night in his room we made out, and I gave him hand job. After I went into the living room to get high. COW and roommate decided they needed a new place and they were going to go to some viewings. They told me to act like COW was my partner, it would look better to the landlords. I agreed. We held hands and acted like a couple. This would be the second time I cheated on C. At some point while staying there, C called. Someone else answered. I told them to tell him I wasn't there, or I was busy, I can't remember. I didn't want to talk to him because I knew he wanted to find me and get me clean and take me home.

After that, school started. I went to my first day. I went high. At lunch time I was walking back to the school when I heard someone call my name from behind. I turned around and it was C in his orange hoodie. If I recall correctly, all I said was 'you'. He asked me if I wanted to come with him. I said yes, so we left. He told me later that he came there with the jewellery I had left at his place. If I looked healthy and happy, he was going to give it back and tell me to have a nice life. Instead I looked like shit, sunken cheeks, messed up hair, weight loss. We started walking to take transit back to his place. He asked me then if anything happened while I was gone, to tell him the truth so we could deal with it and move on. I lied. I said nothing happened.

This is where I stop writing tonight. I am tired, my brain is fried, and I have to work in the morning. This is just the first 3 months of us knowing each other. The first of the cheating, the first of the lies. It gets worse, much, much worse. It will likely take me days to write it all out. Thank you for reading so far. I will continue later.

Justsomelady posted 12/9/2019 07:03 AM

Are you in therapy? I am sorry you were raped and for the hard times youve gone through. You were very young, old enough to know right and wrong but still a teen and so mixed up inside. Have compassion for yourself.

Your SO does not have your best interests at heart. He was a grown man, you were a teen - a troubled one walking around with her own vodka in tow. He should have sent you right back home. His behavior is not that of a quality person. I think you should seek out support from a therapist, ditch the guy who was into jailbait, and start over....and eventually find someone who didnt date a high school kid while he was grown. Sounds like he was very out of line.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 8:01 AM, December 9th (Monday)]

Kitchentable123 posted 12/9/2019 10:06 AM

Hi Justsomelady,

Thank you for your comment. I do have compassion for myself for what happened that was out of my control. I do not have compassion for the choices and decisions I made to hurt him.
I am in therapy, and working on many things. I will be in therapy for a long time, most likely for the rest of my life. I have only started recently, about 5 or 6 sessions, but it definitely helps, and I look forward to continuing to move forward and heal.

As stated at the beginning of this thread, this is the very start of our story. It barely scratches the surface. Yes, he was older than me, but he never made attempts at me like I was 'jailbait' as you state. He said multiple times that I should be at home, and be in school, and that he would still support me and be there for me, but we should wait before having a relationship. I lied to him and convinced him that my home life was terrible and I could not go home. I manipulated him to get what I wanted, which was to be in a relationship, not live at home, and not have to go to school. I wanted what I wanted, and I manipulated and lied to get it.

As the story progresses, I will be telling a lot more, which may change your point of view. I get where you are coming from, but I also understand that you are making this statement based off a tiny piece of a 1000 piece puzzle.

Thank you again for your comment, I do appreciate anything anyone has to say. I hope it does not sound like I am trying to be defensive, but rather that this post is only a little of the story. He is a good, kind, sensitive, and caring man, and it is not my intention in any way to try to make him look like some kind of bad guy. There was an age difference, yes, but I was old enough to manipulate and lie, and he in love enough to believe it and not doubt me.

Justsomelady posted 12/9/2019 10:29 AM

He knew your age, he knew the score. He screwed a sixteen year old after making the “magnanimous” effort to let you sober up from your vodka. I don’t think for one minute he is a good guy with your best interests . If he were, he’d have told you about resources, called your mom, your school counselor and found you a shelter or case worker to help you get out of a bad situation. Oh, and kept his fly closed.

Nope he didn’t do that. He wanted what he wanted. and he took it. Knowing your age and vulnerability. No amount of lies and manipulation from a teenager should have stopped him from stopping himself. Who cares if he paid lip service to how you should be at home, he screwed you anyway after a weak display of caring. Your relationship is damaged to the core and it started because of him. You contributed to but he is definitely a bad actor.

And yes I have compassion for teenaged cheater - your brain isn’t fully formed. Doesn’t excuse you. But it does mitigate it, to some degree. What on earth did he expect? A stable relationship from a teenager?

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 10:34 AM, December 9th (Monday)]

beenthereinco posted 12/9/2019 10:39 AM

I'm sorry but this has not been a healthy relationship from the beginning. He was 24, you were 16. The first night you were together you got drunk and had sex with him. That does not make him a Knight in Shining Armor. It makes him a predator.

66charger posted 12/9/2019 11:33 AM

Can we withold the knives and pitchforks until she has finished her story?.

As a Father with 2 guns, the red flag I see here is crystal meth. Meth destroys and quickly. If I could not reach my daughter and someone else could, I would not be in a position to cast stones.

Dearest lady, please continue.

Justsomelady posted 12/9/2019 11:48 AM

She should absolutely tell her story.

I will also absolutely tell the truth about a predatory situation. He did not “get through” to her - he took advantage of a meth/alcohol/trauma addled teen. It is not “knives” out to talk about an unhealthy situation

She will never see my side, I expect and that is fine, but I feel compelled to speak it and offer it for consideration. This sort of predatory behavior happens all too often. It is still seen as “normal” and I’ve seen variations of it in my own extended family and I think it has truly limited the potential of the girls who got tied up with someone so much older at such a young age.

I think she should say what is on her mind too. And just accept that this is a public forum and many may well have a problem with her husband. I have no sympathy for him.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 11:57 AM, December 9th (Monday)]

MrCleanSlate posted 12/9/2019 12:49 PM

Kitchentable123,

You have been through some really fucked up shit from an early age, and I have to say congrats to you for having the guts to put it in writing. That really does take some strength.

Look, take your time, but please do share your story. There is a lot of really good experience on this site that can help you.

Kitchentable123 posted 12/9/2019 16:21 PM

Hi again justsomelady,

He did call my mom, multiple times when I was gone. Told her he would do whatever he could to find me and bring me home. He tried to convince me after I was living with him that I should go home as well and I made him believe I couldn't due to a shit family life and that I was being abused by my father. I also told him, if I recall correctly, that I would just run away again if he took me there. He was worried, he thought he could help, protect, and care for me and put me on the right path to becoming a better, healthier person. Had he known that I was lying and manipulating, I know he would have taken me home. He made his choice based off what he knew. He did not doubt or question me for a second.

I will discuss this in further detail as I continue the story.

I get what your saying, and I think based off your own personal experiences with your family, it hits a sore spot. You seem to want to paint everyone with the same brush, very harshly. Not every situation like this is the same. Although the very basics may be, the details can be vastly different. You are free to say what you want, as stated, and I will hear it out.

You are correct, it won't change how I feel or see our relationship, and likely my story won't change your opinion either. Or maybe it will, once I actually get it all out. Either way, works for me.

Mrcleanlate and 66charger, thank you for the support, it feels a bit strange to do this, and even stranger to have people commenting. I will continue the story at later time.

Thank you all for reading so far.

[This message edited by Kitchentable123 at 4:31 PM, December 9th (Monday)]

BraveSirRobin posted 12/9/2019 16:32 PM

Just for the record, depending on the state, this isn't a matter of opinion. In my state, the age of consent is 16, but only for people within two years of age of the minor (the "Romeo and Juliet" exclusion). If someone over 18 sleeps with someone 16, they can be prosecuted for statutory rape no matter what the 16 yo said or did to convey consent. At age 24, if what he did was proven in court, your SO would have been permanently registered as a sex offender. And in fact, since the statute of limitations on reporting is 25 years, that is still true right this minute.

The concern being shown by other posters is so legitimate that it is a matter of law in some jurisdictions, no matter how you assure us that the circumstances are extenuating.

SelfishCheater posted 12/9/2019 16:51 PM

This couple is currently 30+ years old and BOTH are here for help in their relationship.

Let her finish her story instead of putting her on the back foot trying refocus everyone on the situation at hand.

People are in pain and need help. Kitchentable is in IC with a 3rd party licensed therapist and if after those two break down the relationship and all of the sudden she comes to the realization that the love of her life is actually a predator then she can decide to throw her husband in jail and get him registered as a sex offender.

FFS

Justsomelady posted 12/9/2019 19:55 PM

I don’t see how it possibly matters that he called your mom hon. He was already screwing you. It would have mattered if he called your mom and got you help without screwing a teenager in crisis. He used you. Sure there may be love now (such that it is) and history but he took advantage. He was in the wrong. If a grown man screwed my teen I would not credit him for calling me. He should not have listened to you manipulation or not - he should have walked away. He should just have found you help and kept his hand off you.

Yes, I have a strong conviction about older adults preying in young people. You think I am harsh or using a broad brush but the situation is very clear and not hard to paint so broadly when the ink is so dark and the brush so inherently, grossly broad. It is what it is. Not just because my family situation or a sore spot. I see it as objectively bad and I see no shades of grey. Your husband is a sex offender in my eyes and it was rotten from the get go. It is my opinion and yes I am judging him. Judgment is not bad. It means you don’t have an empty brain and you call a spade a spade.

To clarify I do not judge you, however I may disagree with you. I empathize with you and wish you had had stronger parents and men who didn’t prey on you and more support in your life at a critical time.

Anyway, as you’ve acknowledged it is not something you agree with but it has to be acknowledged this is against the law (at least around here, and it should be) and regardless of that fact it is also not a good situation for any teen to be in. It is wrong for a young person to be taken under someone’s self serving thumb before their parents are finished raising th en and before the young person had a chance to truly grow on their own and with their peers.

I don’t see your current age, over thirty etc. or history with your husband as something that can clean away the way it started. I think you would be better off without him on the facts I know alone.

I wish you well and will not be commenting again.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 8:33 PM, December 9th (Monday)]

Thissucks5678 posted 12/9/2019 22:45 PM

As a mother of three daughters, one of them a teenager, my heart breaks whenever I hear a story that starts like this. I don’t know what you did - but frankly I don’t care. Please, please just see an IC for you. My oldest is 18 now and I still would not be happy with her dating an 24 year old - the power dynamics are all off and it doesn’t matter if it’s technically legal to me at 16 or not. I am so sorry for what has happened to you in your life. Please look into how you can heal from your past.

beenthereinco posted 12/10/2019 07:24 AM

Can we withold the knives and pitchforks until she has finished her story?.

If I had out a knife or pitchfork it was not for the OP. Let's be clear here. She was the victim in this relationship. To me a good counselor is needed here because given this history and her age at the time this relationship began as well as the drugs and FOO issues I find it hard to believe that there is a good and healthy relationship to salvage here. At a minimum Kitchentable needs to explore this whole history with an IC and get some help deciding if it might not be healthier for her to start over, alone.

DoinBettr posted 12/10/2019 10:47 AM

Having grown up with seeing addicts, I think you have an addictive personality and coping mechanisms. I see this with you regularly getting hooked quickly to alcohol and drugs, even weed whenever you feel overwhelmed you want to retreat from reality. The relationships even seem like an addiction for you.
You seem to be constantly looking for escapes and this all started from 1 point in your life. You seem focused on your current spouse/partner, what is your relationship with your family?
Do you see how your willingness to use and abuse them then translated to your spouse and is part of all of your relationships. Not meant to be harsh.

I would ask if you are in AA?
I think it would help you a lot. I know your story ends while you are still a teen so you might be. Hearing you have only been in counseling for a few sessions says you probably aren't. The 12 step program is very effective at making positive changes in people's lives. I have seen it save many people's lives. It might help you get to the root of your issues and become a stronger person. Plus it is free/cheap counseling help. Just maybe step in on a meeting and listen. It might explain some things in your earlier life.

Kitchentable123 posted 12/10/2019 11:49 AM

I should have clarified that after I started living with C, he took care of me and I cleaned up. I haven't touched meth since then.
I did continue to drink for awhile. I definitely had a problem. I stopped except for occasions about 7 years ago. I will sometimes have 1 or 2 at Christmas, or at a dinner with the girls from work when we do a team building event. I will not drink again. I have learned that I am the only one that can make me happy, that I can turn to in my time of need. Alcohol, drugs, they were all a way to escape and numb the pain I didn't want to face.

I did continue to smoke weed daily up until a few weeks ago. Since then I have smoked 3 times, and each time made me feel really terrible. I will not be smoking again either.

I will reply to more comments when I have more time. Thank you all for responding.

babbu posted 12/10/2019 19:01 PM

OP. I believe the intention of the horrified posters (I am as well) are to inform you that your post is full of romanticization of how this toxic relationship was founded. It wasn't romantic at all and you aren't viewing things clearly.

LLXC posted 12/10/2019 21:03 PM

I was a terrible person, broken and damaged goods

I haven't finished reading your post, but I just wanted to reply to this

You were a CHILD who had been raped. You were not a terrible person. You were a hurt child, acting out. I am so so sorry you were assaulted and I am sorry you and your family didn't find appropriate trauma treatment for you.

I want to give kid you a huge hug.

On another note, you mention you were 16 and he was 24 when your relationship started. Based on your "grade 10, " I presume you are Canadian, so I know this was not statutory rape. But in huge parts of the US what he did would be considered illegal. 16 and 24 is a huge power imbalance.

Again. I am so sorry about child you.

Off to finish reading your story.

LLXC posted 12/10/2019 21:15 PM

Ok. I finished reading your post.

I want to reiterate this. He was 24. You were 16. In many US jurisdictions, what he did was a crime. Regardless, you were a child and he was an adult. He took advantage of you. I understand you probably disagree with me but if you know any 16 year olds, I imagine the thought of any of them with a 16 year old would turn your stomach.

Next. You cheated on your ex with C. C had no problem betraying his friend to hook up.with you.

While high, and to manipulate men into helping you get high, you cheated on the man who took advantage of your youth and trauma.

Have you been to treatment? I really think NA, CMA, or SMART recovery could really help me. Or even an outpatient clinic. My old job had evening groups and a lot of us would do.ecening sessions for people who.worked in offices. I really think substance abuse treatment could help not because you are using, buy because so many people have done and been through what you describe. You will meet other people like you and you can all support each other. You need and deserve that

[This message edited by LLXC at 9:21 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

RocketRaccoon posted 12/11/2019 00:09 AM

Hey KT123,

No Stop sign. Betrayed here.

Am sure it took a lot of courage to write your story, and hope that it is cathartic for you. There is a lot of built up frustration that needs to be released.

Am not going to bother about the age difference when you first started, as that is a red herring.

IMO, it would be good to focus on your 'confession' first, and not take into account the posts about your SO being 'predatory'. That will only screw you up even more. Focus on your now, and what kind of help you want from us.

I have an inkling of who your SO is, and will not carry anything over from his posts if I do any further posts on your thread.

Please carry on.....