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Hard time giving bs what she needs

rskeeter posted 12/8/2019 09:26 AM

I cheated on my wife with three different people. D-day was a little more than 4 years ago. In the beginning it was easier to be there for her. I was feeling so much. I felt terrible about what I had done and felt awful for the pain I caused to my wife. We have struggled through these years since with ups and downs. We have a 16 year old son who doesnít know about this and weíve tried to keep a somewhat normal life for him. My wife is still in a lot of pain and needs to talk about the details of what happened. Iíve tried to deal with the shame Iíve been feeling all these years. Iíve gone to therapy some helped and some not. Iím trying to see myself as a good person who has done some bad things. I have changed a lot. Iím not that person that could compartmentalize like I did. I strive to be a good person every day. Iím finding it really hard to talk to my wife every day about what happened and empathize with her. I feel removed from what I did I donít feel connected to the acts anymore. I she is hurting and still feeling this deeply but Iím not anymore. How can I be there and talk to her like I mean it when I donít feel connected to this anymore?

foreverlabeled posted 12/8/2019 12:40 PM

You know we don't have the trauma associated with infidelity and so we can move past it a lot faster. It's not fair. I think what would have been helpful is keeping that connection all these years so you didn't leave her behind. That was always my biggest fear in the beginning that I would leave him behind and alone in his pain.

You could try putting yourself back in the place she is still in. Tap into those feelings and remember what it was like. I'm sure you still have feelings of remorse? Nurture that. To me remorse isn't something that goes away.

Zugzwang posted 12/8/2019 15:27 PM

How often does this happen with her? Every day? If so, why? What is she specifically bringing up? Did you jump from shame and guilt to not owning it and just focusing on being a good person that did bad things? If so, maybe that just doesn't jive with her. I couldn't move forward that way. I had to see and own that I was indeed a bad person. I was a bad person that did bad things. I owned it. Admitted it. Chose not to wallow in depression. Accepted the shame because I was guilty. Then decided to change. To me there is a difference in what you suggest (good person, we are only human and flawed therefor we do bad things) and what I did. Just my POV. When I did that, things seemed to change drastically in R for myself and my wife. Doing what you suggest just seemed to gloss over it and yes, as you say disconnect from the fact that I was the one that chose to do this to her. Just saying.

rskeeter posted 12/10/2019 21:48 PM

Foreverlabeled i do have remorse, and I also feel Iíve left her behind. I do need to nurture cause i feel Iíve let my emotions harden. Your so right about tapping into that.
Zugzwang yes it is everyday. Her memories everything seems to be tied to a text she read just endless connections to the life she is living present day. She wants me to bring this subject up everyday and talk to her about it. Show remorse and apologize. Ive owned that Iíve done bad things I was a bad person. I know that. Iím just not saying the right things on a daily basis. I tend to jump to- look what Iíve done thatís good and look how much ive changed that kinda thing instead of sitting in that pain with her. I wasnít the most talkative person to begin with and now this is pushing me to act in a way that just doesnít come naturally for me a lot of time. Iím not giving up though

forgettableDad posted 12/11/2019 01:30 AM

I'm gonna say some stuff which suck; I'm not trying to be harsh. But this is how I see some of what you're saying:

"I feel removed from what I did I donít feel connected to the acts anymore."

"Iím not that person that could compartmentalize like I did".

Yea, you still are that person because those two sentences are in complete contradiction with each other.

"Iím trying to see myself as a good person who has done some bad things"
A person that does bad things is a bad person. But that's besides the point. There's no need to assign good/bad labels to yourself. From where I'm sitting, that's a sign of hiding; trying to control how people should view you.

I don't know your story. But cheating with 3 people over a time period. You took from your wife. You took from your son. Your son was 12 at the time of dday. My eldest daughter was 11. If you think he somehow magically missed the fact that his mother is in a world of pain... I've got a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you.

Finding it hard to empathize with the woman you're suppose to love is not a good sign. To me, it doesn't sound like you've healed or changed. It sounds like you're running away from dealing with the consequences of your betrayal.

You said you went to therapy. Go again. Find someone good that challenges the fuck out of you. Because I think you need it.

[This message edited by forgettableDad at 1:31 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

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