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Why? Exploring root causes of cheating

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Maia posted 12/16/2019 22:23 PM

I bumped my reframing post. its my why. you can read it, might help.

1girlsmom posted 12/24/2019 21:46 PM

What nightmare01 said.

I would like to add a pressure point to it.
This has been said, rehashed & examined on SI, but here goes.
My childhood was really bad. I've had scary things happen to me as a young adult. My WH has been mentally & verbally abusive to me throughout our marriage.
My WH has had none of that. Here l stand as a BS, multiple times but found out by his confession after catching him in the first A.

It never crossed my mind to reciprocate a flirt from someone other than my spouse throughout our marriage.

1girlsmom posted 12/24/2019 22:01 PM

Sorry, I meant to say after catching in him in his last A.
We all know right from wrong.
We all know truth from a lie when we are the ones telling it.

It's about whether or not we are willing to shove our spouses love/heart down the garbage disposal & flip that switch.
For me, its that simple.
I don't care about how something affected you if it involves a "reason to commit adultery".
If a person knows right from wrong, they also know commiting adultery is wrong.

It's just a choice of how valuable you are/aren't to the adulterer & whether or not you are worthy of their faithfulness.

I understand my opinion is certainly not going to be well received but I cannot see it any other way.

GuiltAndShame posted 12/24/2019 22:15 PM

Thank you 1girlsmom. I can understand your point of view, I certainly look at my own past behavior that way. How could I have done what I did? What made me capable of doing that? I want to ensure that I am NEVER that person again, I hate who I was and how I behaved. HATE. If digging into possible reasons helps me understand myself and learn to cope differently with my issues, then I must do it. I want to do everything in my power to slay the cheater in me. As you wrote, not everyone who has a difficult childhood becomes a cheater. So I must work on understanding what makes me different.

Tallgirl posted 12/27/2019 10:06 AM

Super late to this post. Maybe you will see it.

Please do the 5 whys. My WH has stopped digging at the first level of why. It feels cheap to me.

For example. I thought “I deserve this”.why did you deserve this? Because ..? Then ask why again. And again and again.

Then sit back and say how am I never going to do this again. What will I DO. No cheap words. Actions.

Your wife deserves so much more. How are you going to give that to her?.

And talk to her about it.

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