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I need help...

SeekingABetterMe posted 12/4/2019 15:58 PM

I always take a lot of time to compose things before I post here, but right now I am just not in a good place and am feeling really stressed. I thought I was starting to make some progress, I felt like I was learning some things but my BH said that he feels like nothing has changed since dday 3 1/2 years ago. I feel like I have no clue what I am doing. My BH said that if I plan to keep doing what I have been doing, to pack a bag, otherwise make a plan and start doing something other than writing a time line and reading on SI. I just feel so frustrated with myself right now and I just needed to dump this somewhere so I could start trying to make a plan. So far I have contacted a counselor specializing in infidelity, but she is expensive and I won't be able to see her weekly. I know that I am prone to spiraling and I am trying to clear my head. I think just writing this out helped a bit.

IHatePickingName posted 12/4/2019 16:27 PM

BW here but no stop sign. I am also prone to spiralling so i get it. Take a deep breath.

I would ask your BH if there are specific changes he needs to see to feel safe with you, and start there. Ask what you are still doing or not doing he struggles with. Ask if there is information he needs that he hasnt gotten, or ways he needs to see your commitment to him. And i would thank him for the feedback on how he sees your progress to date and tell him it helps you to know he still feels that way. Reassure him you are committed to making those changes, and then take time to outline a plan that includes the things he mentions and anything else you think you need to do. In writing. Ask him to review it and have a conversation about prioritizing goals.

My husband sees his therapist every 2-3 weeks, due to his therapist's availability and his schedule. We also struggle with the cost, but ultimately, its cheaper than a divorce and the results have been well worth it for us. I hope you are able to find someone you can see who can do the same for you.

He did go weekly during a particular crisis period, early on, but he has enough to work on between times that the less frequent visits are actually ok.

landclark posted 12/4/2019 17:31 PM

What have you done, in your opinion? I donít know your story, but if in 3.5 years all youíve done is written a timeline and are just now contacting a therapist, then I can understand how your BH would feel that youíve done too little. Have you worked on your whys? Are you sharing that with him? Are you reading? Self reflecting? Have you told the whole truth? Full transparency?

I totally get not having the funds for expensive therapy, but there are still other things you can and should be doing.

RocketRaccoon posted 12/4/2019 20:14 PM

SaBM,

Betrayed here.

I had a quick re-read of your posts, and they all are posts that show a WW who loves wringing her hands, and say 'please help ME', not 'please help me help my BH'.

List down the steps that you say that you have done. Set SMART targets. It is a useful tool to help someone keep focused.

SMART targets are:
S - Specific
M - Measureable
A - Achievable
R - Realistic
T - Timely

So, as an example a SMART target for your situation could be:
I will engage an IC by 31 Dec 2019, and attend 2 sessions per week, for three months.

At the moment, you have no accountability to anyone, not even your BH, which is why he feels that you are not doing anything.

I suspect that you have not fully 'owned' your A yet, as you seem to be focused on yourself, yet again. If you were truly remorseful, you would be moving heaven and earth to make it up for your betrayal.

Sanibelredfish posted 12/4/2019 21:39 PM

The IC is expensive. Are you employed? If not, get a job to pay for it. If so, consider a second part time job to pay for it if circumstances allow. Start showing him you want to change. If all youíve done for the past 3.5 years is read here and make a timeline I get why heís pissed. In 3.5 years of reading here youíve somehow missed learning and implementing many of the things successful WSs do to reconcile. Your words and your actions are not matching. He believed your words before, and where did it get him?

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