So, I am in IC for the affair I decided to have instead of the divorce discussion I should have had. The IC is working (at least on my side) and it's been bringing up unhealthy behaviors that lead to affair - namely the aggression, whining or stuffing (the 3 favorite responses I had before all this to conflict). Its fun growing up in an abusive household and taking the baggage with you into your own marriage
This has lead me to be assertive (speaking my needs calmly and firmly) in our marriage for the first time in a long while. Turns out all the $$$ problems I enabled (hubby would trade me affection for buying shit we couldn't afford- essentially prostituted myself to feel loved by him), has put us in the position of not being able to afford the custom home we built without both our salaries or without him dipping into his trust fund to pay basic things like, you know, the MORTGAGE. I signed on the dotted line for these things, so I am culpable in all this. I never made him be accountable for his reckless spending- instead I went back to work and got better and better paying jobs to try and finance his affection for me. Sigh.
It's a sick situation still, only I feel like the fog is finally clearing and find myself changing and the man I married not interested in fixing anything on his end that lead to my unhappiness in the marriage. I WONT say lead to my affair- I chose to engage in that. But if we are going to go forward in our reconciliation (and have the marriage I originally signed up for but was underequipped emotionally to have), it's going to take both of us.
I put up the stop sign because I know there's a LOT of hurting betrayed spouses out there who are angry and (rightfully so) thinking the burden rests squarely on the betrayer to "fix" the marriage. The thing that has come up in counseling is that one can only work on oneself. Meaning, I have to make myself a better, healthier person to be around or I won't be worth while as a person to BE around (in a marriage). I believe a marriage takes 2 people to make it work- we had a shit marriage before the affair and will still even after I clean my self up.
So that leaves me at a point where I ask, when you are doing the work to get rid of your anxiety and depression (brought on by years of troubled finances, pre-programmed unhealthy conflict resolution behaviors and predisposition to clinical depression), is there a time when it is ok for you to ask your spouse to change some of their behaviors?
In the matter of emotional support, he's been amazing and giving me hope- when he's not having a bad day and harassing me at work. Right now, I've asked for him to stop being so critical of everything I do, not reject me when I offer him affection (he withheld physical contact for 1.5 years to force me to sign vasectomy papers- it's a pattern of stonewalling and neglect on his side), and occasionally say something nice to me (once a day... could be anything - saying I wasn't a bitch today doesn't count). And he has, which is amazing considering what I did to him. It's been healing the hurts of our marriage that I allowed to justify an affair on. It's giving me hope.
What's not giving me hope is his refusal to see his own unhealthy choices (stonewalling, neglect and manipulation- what else do you call it when he's only nice to you when you buy him something he wants??). Also his pressure to have me sign papers writing off my half of the marital assets and pay back any further $ injected to keep the house afloat after this. I told him I am not signing anything until I have a lawyer look at it- lawyers I've talked to said don't sign ANYTHING- he'll just divorce you faster.
Given his pattern of being really nice to get what he wants, and considering he's been really nice lately, and his pattern of harassment and manipulation when things are bad, I'm really hesitating to go forward with R right now.
To solve the $$ situation, I've offered to sell the house, make good our debts with his parents $$ and then split proceeds 50-50. I've also offered to sign documents paying back half of any further $ put into house from documented family assets used to fund our joint marital asset. Both of which he is against. He said he "didn't want to sell the house since he's sure of the pleasure he'll have living in it, while he's not sure of the pleasure he'll have in our marriage."
If I want to be free of my depression and anxiety, I NEED to be in a financial situation where the bills are paid on time in full (no foreclosure notices from the bank, NO SHUTOFF or REPO- both have happened more than once and we make upwards of 6 figures EACH!!!!??!).
Any advice? When is it more merciful to pull the plug than to R??
Oh, and we have 2 kids. Lovely.