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Some questions for those of you who have been here done that

GraceLove posted 11/14/2019 18:06 PM

Hi SI ers,

I am 1 year from D and 2.5 from DD. Wow. I can't believe I just wrote that. When I first got on here it felt like the nightmare would never end.

So since D I accidentally fell in love (not with someone available...lived too far), then guy #2: dated for a week then had a long distance relationship for 4 months, started online dating and have gone on double digit coffee dates. Dated a hot younger guy for less than a month (still no sex though...I need to be in a committed LTR to feel safe).

I am quitting OLD because I am feeling pretty sad. Lots of grief coming out lately. Is this normal? To not want to date when that's all I've wanted for so long? Did any of you take a break midstream?

I remember after DD I thought I couldn't wait to be with someone. It just hasn't happened for me.

I have a few questions though.

Why is the first break up sooo heartbreaking and way, way WORSE than Dday? How is it possible to not feel much for the WH and so much for the first guy after Dday? Seems confusing.

Keeping in mind that everyone is different, how long was it from D to the time you met your SO?

What was the longest amount of time you spent alone since D?

Even though I am really grateful for my life, I have had something really weird happen lately...I found myself missing having someone who I knew (well, actually that can be debated), let's say the illusion of having someone who was just there. Like a piece of familiar furniture! How can I miss that??

Thanks for answering. I really appreciate you all.

Twinsmom posted 11/14/2019 21:51 PM

I just posted this exact scenario. I started going out with a guy a year and 2 months after DD while I was still married. He was someone I had worked with on a side job (so I didn't see him all the time) for years. I tried to resist but he sucked me in and we dated for about a year. I was never really sure how I felt about him but I loved the companionship and we had so much fun together. The divorce was finally done in May and we had a great summer. Then at the end of August we broke up. I really thought we would have some time apart and then get back together. But he has already taken up with another girl and I am heartbroken. And YES it seems to hurt way worse than Dday and I have no idea how that is possible. I don't think I was in love with him but I am still completely heartbroken.

I can't really help you but to say that you sound completely normal to me and I totally understand how you feel!!

Cheatee posted 11/15/2019 10:52 AM

I've gone through this infidelity fueled divorce thing more than once (yeah, I know, I need to make better choices).

I have found that recovering from a D is anything but smooth. Every aspect (emotional, cognitive, physical, spiritual) of recovery is on its own time table, and those are anything but linear.

As for your questions,

Why is the first break up sooo heartbreaking and way, way WORSE than Dday?

It's different for everyone I suppose. My first breakup after D was fine, a bit of a relief. It was nice to have a civil departure without having small appliances aimed at my head (exaggerating).

How is it possible to not feel much for the WH and so much for the first guy after Dday? Seems confusing.

I suspect this is your self-confidence at work. You want the affirmation that you're lovable after having been treated so badly. A break-up is kind of a disruption for that healing. But it goes away.

Keeping in mind that everyone is different, how long was it from D to the time you met your SO?

Not very long, maybe 6 months since the split. I'm not recommending it to everyone. It was too soon by many measures, but I found an amazing GF, so I suppose I shouldn't complain.

What was the longest amount of time you spent alone since D?

As I mentioned, only a few months. Then again, I'm older and I need to strike while I still have game.

Newlease posted 11/15/2019 10:55 AM

I'm an "old-timer" so I have been where you are. Here are my attempts to answer your questions:

Lots of grief coming out lately. Is this normal? To not want to date when that's all I've wanted for so long? Did any of you take a break midstream?

It is SO normal - grief is not linear, you circle back through the stages (sometimes more than once). I would stick my toe in the dating "pool," get disappointed and retreat. This happened more than once.

Why is the first break up sooo heartbreaking and way, way WORSE than Dday? How is it possible to not feel much for the WH and so much for the first guy after Dday?

Your ego and trust have been crushed by the person who was supposed to have your back. When you feel validated by the new relationship and it doesn't work out, it brings back every bit of the pain from the D, plus makes you wonder if something is wrong with YOU. It's tough - no matter how long you wait to date.

Keeping in mind that everyone is different, how long was it from D to the time you met your SO?

Five years until I met my current SO. I met my first post-D relationship 9 months post-D. It was a disaster!

What was the longest amount of time you spent alone since D?

Three years, I think - and part of that time was dating and retreating.

Hang in there - this is a journey of healing and discovery. It will take as long as it takes.

Sending strength and peace.

NL

Fablegirl posted 11/15/2019 13:38 PM

Why is the first break up sooo heartbreaking and way, way WORSE than Dday? How is it possible to not feel much for the WH and so much for the first guy after Dday? Seems confusing.

Answer: My theory about this is the trauma of the infidelity is not healed. As betrayed spouses we are still healing and capable of some thought distortions that crop up around abandonment. That doesn't mean one should wait if you meet someone -- just that the parting of ways is an opportunity for reflection. I fell hard for someone a month after ex moved out. We dated four months and broke up a year and a half a go. Still not over it, even though I recognize that he was not the right person for someone with my emotional make up.

cancuncrushed posted 11/28/2019 22:14 PM

This terrifies me. Iím just not a dating person. Iím very much a spouse.

Every relationship that ended. Every dating that stopped hurt me . .... I know. Iím sensitive. But itís true. Iím sensitive. I didnít out grow it. I didnít grow a thicker skin. This stuff is painful. I remember it. I considered it. Itís very real.

I hate dating for these reasons. I have never liked dating. Thatís why I tried to R so hard.

It can be fun. Until it ends

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