"Regardless of behaviors that are loving, kind, and are like the ones in all the relationship resources that are available, if there is not a burning fire for me underneath it all I won't stay here. If I am not seeing the burning desire for sex and intimacy that you had for your AP I will be done. You need to show my body at least as much care and attention that I showed YOURS during your affiar. I am not going to humiliate myself in staying with you if I am not the last person you experience that with. I am not growing old knowing the last time I was desired like that by you was when I was in my early 20s."
I avoided sexual intimacy with my BW for a large majority of our 10 years before my affiar. It has, and continues to be, the biggest reoccuring issue in our relationship of 13 years. I still don't know why sex was something I unconsciously chose to deny myself and her of for so long. I can have a bit of self compassion knowing at times my depression and/or anti-depressants were playing a role. As well as leftover trauma from a non-violent rape by two people I trusted that happened when I was 19. But that doesn't excuse the behavior, or lack there of, for over a decade towards my partner who has consistantly given me the benefit of the doubt that the fire was actually there but blocked with such grace and paitence. At this point she does not believe it is there, because if it was, it would have been showen by now.
This is why my affair was so ungodly devestating for her. I don't believe there was a fire for my AP, but there was a fire in me for something internal that I was getting out of having an affiar, which expressed itself in a highly sexual way towards not my BW. And before it was another person, it was towards porn or EA grooming. This thing, that she had been waiting for years to see and believing she would see it as soon as I figured out this 'big reason' in myself, I gave it to someone/thing else. And even though my behaviors have slowly changed to show more love, affection, and empathy over the past two years, she is not seeing a burning desire for her.
I struggle with this so much. I feel like there is a fire in me for her, but instead I focus on fueling it with practical things for our family, or giving gifts, or in having positive experiences through fun or difficult conversations. Why do I still avoid fueling that fire sexually? I want to please my wife, to give her pleasure and give her the opportunity to feel like a woman who is desired and pursued. I try to communicate that verbally and with actions, but my actions often come across as muted, subtle, or none existant. I know that part of it is fear of rejection. Part of it is the shame of having given it to someone else. Regardless, it frustrates me to no end, and I am so quick to be defensive about it when I want to be loving.
It was our 13th dating anniversary on Friday. I booked a night at a room a little out of town with a large soaker tub, fireplace, huge bed, and a fantastic view. I brought a box of chocolates, a rose, wine, and tickets to a concert later this month. I expressed my gratitude for haven been given the opportunity to be across from her celebrating our love. I was flirty and emotionally vulnerable. We ordered room service and took a bubble bath surrounded by candlelight. It was a textbook romantic environment. And even though I felt connected and desiring, I came across as withheld, distracted, and at arms length. BW expressed that she was tired and nervous as we laid in bed, and after subtle attemps at connection I followed her lead and ended up falling asleep. Since then I have been oscillating between irritible and self loathing to loving and attempting emotional repairs. And she has been triggering hard since 4 am yesterday.
3 years ago we went away for a few days on this anniversary. BW planned a romantic celebration despite a year of loss and alienation. She did not know yet that I was being unfaithful. We had a room with a nice view, same kind of water mountain view as we did this time. I was cheating on her during that trip, and I was horrific. I went between connected and romantic to screaming that I would divorce her and us fighting so badly she slept in the car one of those nights. From being distant and cold to sexually engaged and asking 100s of questions about what my BW wanted in the bedroom and sharing what I wanted. And in the empty spaces between all of that I was in the bathroom talking to AP. 10 days later was Dday1.
This year I made the choice to risk recreating a romantic anniversary getaway in the hopes of creating better memories to eventually outweigh the horror of our 10th anniversary. I wanted to show her the fire I had for her, for us. I had been excited for weeks leading up to this, making plans and organizing things so they would be as perfect as possible. Being loving and attentive to her and us in the time leading up. And then we are there, and I am muted and subtle. I do not make overt persuing attempts at sexual intimacy. I do not directly bring up my affair or acknowledge how triggering everything might be for her. I did this before we left, communicating I was aware of how hard this was going to be. But I didn't do it in the moment, when the trigger was actually happening. All I could do was apologize and hug her when she would let me, and I took no risks in showing her something better.
Do any of you struggle with this? Do you find it difficult to express what is happening for you internally into positive and obvious external action? How do you bypass the fear or unawareness? As my therapist would ask, how do you pay the price to get the carrot you are running after?