"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Broken4good posted 11/3/2019 12:47 PM

I was here a few years ago, when I found out my husband was cheating on me, 2 weeks after our youngest was born. It was soul shattering and destroyed me. I went from suicidal to insanely angry... I remember feeling determined to hurt him back and I wanted it to hurt worse. I even told him once I would cheat on him and I would make sure it was worse. His affair only lasted a few weeks with a colleague, that I know of anyway. I remember him saying he knew I would, bc he knew my personality and he wished I would just do it already so we can move on with our lives. Eventually this revenge mindset did fade, but I struggled to look at him the same or feel anything real. He killed something in me.

Fast forward 2 years and even more traumatic than the affair... I was raped on a business trip in another country. It was violent and brutal and I had no one to turn to other than a work colleague that was on the same business trip as I was. He came to my room to check on me, when I didn’t show up at a meeting and at first I said I wasn’t feeling well and I ended up bursting into tears and he just listened. He advised me how to proceed, I knew I couldn’t tell my husband bc he isn’t the type of man to deal with these things.... when I miscarried 5 years ago he walked out of the room not a word and didn’t talk to me for weeks. He just can’t process pain, I know he doesn’t mean it hurt fully. So I turned to my colleague and him and I became close friends and he kept me afloat when I thought I might sink.

Months went on and we told each other everything, I didn’t see it as wrong bc we were best friends. Our feelings grew and grew and when I sensed our friendship was getting out of hand I tried to end it. It was heartbreaking and I ended up right back and that’s when it turned into a full sexual relationship. At first I remembered that revenge feeling and allowed that to be my excuse and after I while I was just too far In love to stop it. It lasted over a year and ended last week when his wife found out. We were convinced we’d end up together and when it came down to it I told him to go fight for his wife and his children, as I just know this is the right choice. I am heartbroken bc I miss him, I feel horrible for hurting her and don’t know how I never once considered this would happen, I feel horrible for my husband bc he has been the perfect WS, I feel completely lost and broken. Like there’s no right in all the world that could fix all my wrong. It takes my breathe away when I think about the evidence she found (pictures of the worst nature, love letters, plans to be together) and it is destroying me to know I caused what I felt to another woman, who also just happened to have a baby (I never knew she was pregnant until after the baby was born and again I tried to leave but couldn’t). I know I have to close him out forever, but this is proving so hard. I want to reconnect with my husband and put all my energy in fixing what is broken inside me.

I have so many questions running through my head. Is there any hope in being fixed when you are this far gone? Should I call his wife and apologize, this almost seems selfish. Should I tell my husband, will she tell him? If both partners have strayed is there even hope? Any advice at all and I know there will be judgement, and I know I deserve it. I have completely forgave my husband in all this, but I think I may never forgive myself

Justsomelady posted 11/3/2019 13:07 PM

I am so sorry you were raped. Are you saying you never told your husband what happened to you? It sounds like you both need IC to deal with your extreme conflict avoidance.

I am of the opinion you have to tell your husband everything. Even if the truth hurts. Everyone deserves to know what they are dealing with in their most intimate partnerships. He deserves to know the truth about his life, even if he did this to you without something as traumatic as you had muddying your mindset. I would not reach out to his wife unless she wants contact. It would be self serving to seek forgiveness from her without her initiating contact.

You really need to do some digging into what got you to this point. Revenge on your husband didn’t take into account the OBS.

Also - your AP is no prize -you were fully responsible for your actions but he took full advantage of a vulnerable rape victim and used you for his own purposes while screwing over his wife. He future faked with you while impregnating his wife at home. read up on limerence and detach from him. SI has a thread here in wayward by Maia that is a withdrawal survival guide and very helpful.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 1:13 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]

Maia posted 11/3/2019 13:57 PM

waving.

Do you want the marriage?

What do you want the marriage to be like? What does it look like healed and whole? can you express that?

[This message edited by Maia at 2:02 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]

Broken4good posted 11/3/2019 15:08 PM

Thank you for your response Justsomelady.

I am just scared to tell him because I do believe it will damage what is left of us. Also, no I never told him about the rape. I was covered in bruises all over my legs, back and hips and a few times I purposely undressed in front of him just hoping he would asked and I would have to tell him. In the end I was just too scared to do it, mostly because I know he couldn't process it and also I know he would have told my parents. They would have wanted this man to pay and they would have went to my HR and I just wasn't strong enough to take legal action against this man, who is extremely powerful.

At the current moment I can't think anything negative about my AP and I know that is a facade and I am hoping to get there soon, to a place where I can see all as it really is. He always seemed to protect me and after such traumatic events it seemed like I fell right into that need. I won't contact her, and if she reached out to me I guess there is nothing I can do other than apologize to her. I am going to start with counseling to sort through some of the damage in my head, I don't even know where to begin processing it all. Thank you again for your response, I am aching everywhere and just want to take the correct path this time so I don't keep building mistake on mistake.

Broken4good posted 11/3/2019 15:13 PM

Maia I think I do want the marriage, but I will admit mostly for my kids sake. For the first 8 years of our marriage I was lied to so many times and my heart broke over and over. It was typically over drugs, other girls and then the affair was at the end. He still hides things from me and I suspect more in regards to texting other woman as I see him sometimes hide his phone. I do not believe he has had another affair but have looked past his sneaky behavior because I was participating in my own. I think I want us to give it one more try with 100 % effort. If we both give it our all and we still resort to lying, either one of us, I think it probably can't work. Overall I do love him and he is a good dad, but we married young for the wrong reasons and maybe sometimes its just not fair to force it. I don't think he could handle knowing details about my affair, at least not specifics. It would make him crumble and the biggest issue we have had in our marriage is his insecurity issues, this would only compound on those.

BraveSirRobin posted 11/3/2019 17:24 PM

If we both give it our all and we still resort to lying, either one of us, I think it probably can't work.

I don't think he could handle knowing details about my affair, at least not specifics.

Should I tell my husband, will she tell him?

I know you're still in a state of panic. You had a support system that was deeply toxic but also something that kept you afloat emotionally, and now it has abruptly disappeared. In the cold light of reality, it's finally registering with you what you and AP have done to your BH and his BW. So I get why your thinking is foggy, but if you want any hope of saving your marriage, you need to look at the conflicting logic of the questions you asked.

No, your marriage can't survive without honesty. This means you don't get to decide what he can or can't handle knowing. It means that whether or not the OBS tells him is irrrelevant, because you need to do it first. Lying from this point forward is the only way you can make this situation worse than it already is. You would be making the selfish calculation that what you want (to salvage your Plan B) is more important than him having the right to know the reality of his life and his decisions.

I get that your affair ending makes you feel like you're on a sinking Titanic. The problem is that you threw your spouses into the freezing water while you wined and dined each other in first class. Giving them the truth now will at least drag them, soaked and shuddering, into your lifeboat. Lying is like watching them die of hypothermia while negotiating whether you're willing to pull them up and in.

Maia posted 11/4/2019 14:54 PM

it helps to have a model of what you want the relationship to be like. It gives you a goal to work for.

Can you remember a happy time for the two of you, before the insanity started? Do you have any healthy relationships that can serve as models for you?

Lifeitself posted 11/4/2019 14:56 PM

If we both give it our all and we still resort to lying, either one of us, I think it probably can't work.

That’s very true. And to not resort to lying, you need to sit him down and tell him everything, starting from the rape.

Maia posted 11/4/2019 15:01 PM

I agree with Lifeitself.

The truth will set you free. I know you're scared. But you both have to commit to 100% honesty.

You might need to sit down and write out the timeline of everything.

Broken4good posted 11/6/2019 09:05 AM

I truly appreciate all your comments, I am just not sure it's a one size fits all solution. Or maybe I'm just not ready to accept that it is. My husband wouldn't leave me if he knew and even accepted my warning making sure to note that. Over the past year my mother and a few others have warned him to keep an eye on me as things seemed different or b/c I kept smiling at my phone, and he never once looked. To break his heart with information I am sure he isn't interested in finding seems more selfish than anything else. I think I'd rather live with the guilt and fix what I can where I can. I did make an appointment with a therapist, although I am not sure there's much they can do. Thank you all again, it is nice to have somewhere to post what you can't post anywhere else. Also, can someone tell me what the stop sign means?

Lifeitself posted 11/6/2019 11:45 AM

I suggest you find lonleygirl’s threads. She was struggling whether or not to confess her A to her H last year. She decided against confession in the end, and recently she posted an update saying they were divorcing.

I guess carrying two big secrets may create a wall between you and reconciliation with your H which unfortunately ruins whatever left.

Maia posted 11/7/2019 08:04 AM

The stop sign means BS cannot post on the thread.

Broken4good posted 11/7/2019 12:55 PM

@lifeitself Thank you, I can see depending on the person where that could be a problem. I will search for it.

Broken4good posted 11/7/2019 12:56 PM

Thank you @MAIA does the poster set that?

Maia posted 11/8/2019 06:52 AM

Yes. When you first post. Theres a checkbox.

Jorge posted 11/8/2019 09:37 AM

I think you start your journey patching up all the open wounds by confessing. If your husband finds out from your AP's wife, it sends him the message that you would be willing to resume your life of secrecy for years or decades even, as he would have never known, unless your AP's wife alerted him.

If you do it, it would send the message (in time, but not necessarily right away) that you are committed to being transparent and your sincerity towards him and your family is a more authentic one. You're already well behind the eight ball, and I can see your hesitancy on confessing, but the cat's out the bag now B4G.

Yes, he'll conclude you're telling him because your AP's knows, but there's not perfect way to do this. Every turn will be painful, however greater long term pain, anguish for you (by living in secrecy) and for your husband should he find out 2nd hand, can be worse.

Remember the cover up is often worse than the crime itself. It's not easy, I know. I've been on your side and had to inform a girlfriend before she heard from my AP. I was more fearful of my GF having to hear from the AP then I was of telling her, so I did just that.... told her.

I HATED having drawn my innocent GF into my mess, but I created it and I was the one who had to clean it up, whether I liked it or not. An unintended benefit for me was that it straightened my ass up. It marked the end of unfaithfulness and running around chasing women (early 20j's) stupid shenanigans.

My AP attempted suicide and I had to tell my GF about all of this stuff I was doing behind her back. Enough was enough. Terrible life to live and maintain. Confession will stop the pain, but it will begin the healing process for all involved who will experience it due to the infidelity.

Zugzwang posted 11/8/2019 14:58 PM

You need to tell your husband about the affair and rape. You aren't giving him a chance to respond or even build intimacy (to even respond to pain), yet you are giving a shit head that cheated on his wife and children the chance to build intimacy. You really want to be with a man that can do what he did to his wife? Or is it okay because at least this AP is a step up from your husband.