"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

MrsWalloped posted 10/31/2019 19:23 PM

This is not the right place for everyone. It doesn't have to be the right place for everyone but let's not make sweeping suppositions about waywards who decide this place is not right for them.

I wrote it. And you’re right. It’s a good point. Thank you.

hikingout posted 11/1/2019 08:05 AM

Haha - well I could have been the one to write it. It's not that I don't know there are other ways that people work on themselves - I get PM's from WW's who can't be part of the forum for their own reasons (really not forum related) but they read and reach out to others further on. I think there are people like you, Pippen, who may have other resources available to them or who don't like you said find this site to fit their personal philosophies (or at least some of them). But, the masses that leave? They are one and done posters, or ones who really only post when they have stirred up more trouble at home.

Personally, I am not sure if anyone leaves due to norms, exactly. I definitely think this forum subscribes to black and white thinking more than grey, and if you are a grey it might be more grating at times. I was a grey for all my life, and to be honest I find the black and white thinking the site has introduced has been good for me to really weigh where my boundaries and moral rules lie.

I would think that would maybe be the minority. I also think that groups who meet live, with people with a background in social work or some other formal training is not comparable to an online forum, especially not a free one. I don't think it's really about not having an appetite for clear norms, I think it's just there are so many backgrounds and a pretty transient population over in Wayward. I am all for making this place better, and I think there are some wonderful conversations taking place in this string and a few others that have a stop sign on them right now, so maybe we concentrate on what we can control? I don't know, it's not that I don't hear you on this, as I have openly said, I have had my share of scuffles and an occasional complaint on this site, but honestly it's a site that without the BS and WS together it wouldn't have the same magic, though it would take away a lot of the tensions that I think sometimes can be a detractor (for both sides)

Oh, and I didn't really take it personally - it was more irritant of we've been making this whole thread without picking apart what people are saying and this is one of the things that many of us don't like about the site It's not that your point was wrong either though.

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:18 AM, November 1st (Friday)]

ChanceAtLife35 posted 11/2/2019 17:39 PM

Instead of starting a new thread i thought I would post here as many W’s are on here. I had a bad bout of projecting earlier and I had to sit down and dig deep for myself about why the hell I keep doing it. I feel I know why it starts, which sometimes I ignore when I feel my emotions are “back to normal.”This morning, My WW told me that our informal marriage would have to dissolve by divorce and there is no way around it unless she moves out of the country. She hasn’t moved forward with it, but I feel she looks into it just to be prepared if she chooses to do so. We actually did the informal marriage so I could add her to my health benefits 2 years ago. The F’d up thing is I was deep in my last PA. I wasn’t present that day(at the court house to do the informal marriage) and my WW was not in a good mood and felt very uncomfortable about doing it. Of course my selfish ass didn’t consider how she felt and did it anyway. My WW has expressed many times how seriously she takes big commitments and how uncomfortable she feels about them. Such as car and home buying and marriage of course. She has told me her reasons behind it many times. I understand now why she is so upset. Not only because she feels trapped by it, but the restrictions and control behind it. Plus the costs involved. I understood why now she was so upset as I stripped her of her individual freedoms, betrayed her, and trapped her into something while betraying her. As we discussed how this impacted her, I started to see myself as someone who clearly didn’t see or treat her as a person which led me to thinking it felt like i had a slave owner mentality. I tried to own, control, and punished her with my selfish ways to benefit me in every way. I feel extremely terrible about my cruel actions and said if it ever came to divorce, I would pay for it. It goes on record, but I am responsible for putting her through that awful experience. That’s part 1. Now what happened next catapulted me into projecting. My WW is not into high fives or fist bumps, but lately I give her 3 side fives to praise her or motivate her to do things for her. I noticed sometimes she isn’t always enthusiastic about doing it, but I encourage it because I try to motivate her or encourage her to do things for herself etc. She finally said she wasn’t a huge fan of it and I said, “but I do it for you.” She followed that with but you know I don’t like doing that.” “You do it for you.” And i said “I do it to encourage you.” These two situations tie together because in both situations I clearly and cold heartedly dismissed her feelings not once thinking what i thought was doing this for her when it was for me. See me, hear me, look what I am doing for you bullshit. I felt myself unraveling with emotions of guilt and avoidance. I started playing with change in my pocket, looking around, not being present not one bit. I thought of the conversation yesterday when she said I show empathy when it comes to other things that she has went through except for the A. I can probably count on one hand on that regard. I started becoming frantic and talking 50 mph. I was trying to get myself back to the moment but it was too late.

Because I denied those feelings, I started projecting by unconsciously avoiding taking responsibility for the feelings and thoughts I had in those moments by attributing them to my family. I was getting onto the kids about their room and everything in between and found myself trying to do a million things around the house not only because they needed to get done, but I was avoiding my feelings which felt like lava waiting to erupt.

I realize in each of those moments I was taking out my feelings that could have been processed in a healthy way. I felt terribly bad and sat down to research and understand what was really going on with me. They didn’t deserve any of it and these behaviors can lead to me acting out.

I know I am still battling shame and low self esteem so I considered that too. I know I don’t want these behaviors to be a part of me so taking steps to prevent them are extremely important to me.

To help with projecting is to practice mindfulness, self compassion, have alone time, therapy, journaling daily, question thoughts, and communicate better.

Did you marry or put your BS in these type of situations or similar and how did you help them and yourself heal and recover from it?

[This message edited by ChanceAtLife35 at 6:05 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)]

wantstorepair posted 11/4/2019 14:48 PM

I am reader, and am in no way qualified to help at this point because I have failed miserably at R. My failures for my BS all hinge around my constant minimizing, defensiveness and justifying - and I see a lot of that in this community as people look for validation from kindred spirits who are wayward. That being said, there are a lot of people who are seem to be genuine and raw, and truly wanting to share their experiences in order to help others and to get help themselves. That is appreciated, and I hope to one day be able to contribute and help as well. This is a community and it is certainly what we make of it.

hikingout posted 11/4/2019 15:02 PM

Chanceatlife - you might want to make this one it's own post? I think you are getting lost in the shuffle here.

Yes, I think everyone will at times get in their feelings and have a hard time managing them, and will sometimes take it out on others. You might need to work in IC to recognize it and figure out how to redirect it more quickly.

As for the marriage thing, I think I am a bit ignorant in understanding some of what you are saying. I don't know what an informal marriage is. And, you are saying you filed one against her wishes? Or that you convinced her to get one while you were cheating? I am not following that part of your post very well, I am sorry.

FoenixRising posted 11/4/2019 16:40 PM

Hey chance-
I think what you’re asking can look very different for everyone. For me it looked like being present. I didn’t go any where that did not have a safe and healthy purpose. I picked up painting and lost myself In it. This hobby was supported and appreciated by my BS. In fact he enjoys art as well and for inspiration and a nice day out, we went to art museum in the city a couple of times. I started meditating. This was/is still a vital part of my life. I still dabble in art but later I went back for my masters so my time was focused on that. The self compassion was pursuing my art, as it was healthy and some of the output surprised myself. I never painted before. Also self compassion was finishing my masters. Then I went back to work. This was/is so important bc it gives you a purpose, a healthy distraction to put energy into. While this happens, things (life) goes on and you continue the path. You continue to recover. You learn. You screw up. You learn from that. You eventually start to have reasons to celebrate. The biggest thing is that you put your energy into something that bs supports and agrees is healthy for you. Does that help?