Wow. This is a great post. I think the fact there is little sense of community lends itself to the idea we really don't have a lot of WS who stay here past their recovery stages.
A lot of what you say, I struggle with as well. With maybe a caviat of - if the WS has been around a while and seems to "get it", I will let my guard down with them a little more because I don't feel like I am trying to combat the lies anymore. I feel that there are posters here I feel a true kinship with, and many of them served me my 2X4's when I got here, clueless and directionless.
I have come to believe that a variety of tactics works with a variety of people. There are people that will chime in a bit when they get here and then I stay hands off with them because I recognize they are not ready to take me in, and I post a ton and would rather my posts go to someone who is ready to take me in.
One thing I have to say about you BraveSirRobin is you have an uncanny insight towards others. Sometimes you have told an unflinching truth, and I was right behind you with a slow clap because your instincts were so true they were just undeniable. You can get right to the heart of the matter. There are many times that I have seen you defend and take in other WS under your wing as well, and I think you walk that line pretty nicely. I personally always look for your posts because there has been many a time you will deliver something to another poster that applies to me and my situation. I will say "oh,shit. She is right, I am going about this wrong too"
The one thing that is true about this site is that the WS get a big sampling of different trains of thoughts and it is only ever going to be helpful if they will weigh what is being said against some of their distorted thoughts. This site can only be successful when that happens, and it's really based on whether the WS is willing to get introspective and acknowledge painful truths.
I have found if I go to soft then the WS gravitates to me to tell them what they want to hear (which they can not rely on me for which then probably feels like a slap to them), and if I go too hard they will never listen to me again or it will take a long time to see that I am not just trying to be a hardass. Most of the time I try and hit down the middle. Deliver some hard things to process, but with some empathy.
Being a WS is hard, it's hard on this site because of the nature of this site is so emotionally charged. We are the perpetrators, no matter how long we are here or how much change we make. But, I sometimes think that it can be natural selection as well. If you can't take it in, you aren't going to take anything in. You aren't ready. People can't be helped unless they really want to be helped and really want to help themselves, and let's face it there is only going to be a percentage of WS that land here in that space. I will say that I see a few WS showing up lately that have taken in things and built from it, and I have been somewhat impressed with that. I wish I had it as together as they did getting here.
I'm scared, I'm lonesome, I'm grieving, I'm confused, I'm frustrated" -- these struggles are no less real for being self-inflicted. And sometimes I feel like we don't allow for any of them here, that every show of weakness is treated as an opportunity to go for the jugular, or at best a cold reminder on why the WS is to blame for their lot.
I can see what you are saying here. There are a few WS posters that I think can maintain the sensitivity. I wanted to name them by name but then I edited it because I was afraid I would miss one and feel awful.
My WS to WS post was part of my attempt at community. I was hoping putting it behind a stop sign would garner some WS to WS feelings of community. To be honest it stemmed from the post about what remorse looked like (Affair Sex versus Married Sex) because I saw so many WS come together on that post in commiserating with one another and truly sharing ideas as peers. I think the WS to WS post is starting to peter out it probably would be good if we had one that didn't seem to be "owned" by a particular WS member. I started it and keep responding to it to try and get that feeling back of "hey, this is something that I experience, anyone else?" and others going "Yes! I didn't realize that was a Wayward thing, I thought it was just me!"
Here are a couple other things that I think about a lot in terms of my role on this site - it maybe doesn't completely matter if we are putting a lot of effort into someone who then turned out to be lying to us. Other WS still benefit from the conversation. I try and think about that when I post and I know it's going nowhere with the person. Look at that last Milwaukee Mike post - even after people knew it belonged to him they kept going because they were enjoying exploring that conversation. So, the validity of the poster doesn't dictate the value of what is said on the thread always.
The other thing is my learning is reinforced by responding to other posters. I still got something out of it because I had to dig into myself to make that response. So, while I do have a lot of discernment as to whether I am going to be a regular on someone's threads, the person who benefits the most from my posts is me (and probably my BS). I learn about myself by responding to others.
[This message edited by hikingout at 1:30 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]