Oceanweb6,
Just for future reference, it is very hard to read a thread that does not have paragraphs. Especially for someone like me who's only computer is her phone. Paragraphs also make it easier to understand your story and to reference back to if needed. Anyway.
The way you are using SI doesn't seem to be working for you, does it? Does your BW know about SI? Because I know that she would receive a lot of help and support for what you, your choices and your actions are putting her through.
Why don't you just give your BW a divorce? Why do you even want to be married to her? Why not leave and let her find some peace?
You have treated your BW like a piece of garbage for the last 13 years. It is obvious that you have absolutely no respect for her or the boundaries she is trying set for herself. It is all about what you want and nothing about her.
You say that you hate who you are and want to make things better for your BW, as of 2 days ago, but if that was true, you would leave the home and get yourself into intensive therapy right now. Because otherwise, you are not going to be a safe partner.
I don't think that you really want to make things better or even hate who you are. I think that you are scrambling because you know that you crossed a line the other night and you are trying to save your own ass.
I don't know if you will ever be able to prove to your BW that what you did the other night will never happen again because you have proven again and again that what you want and feel you deserve, is much more important to you than she what she feels and deserves. So why would she believe what you say now, when your actions over the last 13 years have proven otherwise?
I don't know about this Historical PDO but I do see a lot of narcissistic traits in your behavior and in all the time that I have been here on SI, I have never said that to anyone else.
Now I am going to be very blunt with you. You have abused your BW and family for at least, the last 13 years. Your actions are proof that you have abused them emotionally, verbally and now you have escalated to physical abuse. Having multiple A's, busting down the door, reinserting yourself into your family, lie upon lie, with complete disregard for your BW and family. Doing absolutely nothing to become the husband and father that they deserve and repair the damage that you have caused them.
Yes, you physically abused your BW the other night. And you did so because for no other reason than you are a bully and you could.
Then you sit here and write about how you were holding her, when in anger she told you not to touch her and that she didn't love you, then you got upset and pushed her out of bed, where she hits the floor and ac unit.
I think that there is more to that story. I think while holding her, you decided that you wanted sex and she said no, don't touch me, I don't love you. Not in anger but in disbelief and disdain. I am sure that you did get upset, you got angry at not getting what you wanted, when you wanted it. If she wasn't going to put out, then she was getting out and you decided to show her the floor.
I am very lucky she wasn’t seriously hurt.
Do you really consider yourself lucky that she did not get seriously hurt? Do you not see anything wrong with that statement? You hit rock bottom? What about your BW??? How does she feel? Does she feel lucky??? And now you're grateful for her still being with you after all she's been through??? Really??? How about what you and your actions put her through???
If you have just a sliver of love for your BW and family, you need to think of them before yourself for the first time in your life and move out. Then, you need to start intensive therapy to figure out why you are the way you are and what you can do to try and fix yourself. If you can't or are not willing to commit to at least a couple of years of therapy and really working on yourself, then just D your BW.
Because instead of being horrified by your own behavior, you are trying to justify and down play it. You are telling yourself that it really wasn't that bad and blaming your BW. This is typical talk of an abuser. You will do it again, unless you get the help you need. Do right by your BW and family for once, please.