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Need help to help myself.

Oceanweb6 posted 10/6/2019 18:10 PM

I haven’t posted much because I’ve been using SI as more to help myself more than anything else . Here’s a synopsis of my past.
13 years ago I had an affair with another woman . This affair lasted a few months . At the end of the affair I was truly heinous. I told my wife I was leaving one night to see the OW. My wife begged and cried for me not to leave and in my selfishness I left anyways. That night I decided I couldn’t leave my wife and family and came home the next day. I returned to all the locks changed and proceeded to bust into my house and reinsert myself into the family . I just felt things will get better and I’ll be a better person without doing any work . That was a horrible mistake and one that has led to where I am now. Over the next 13 year I was deceptive in multiple ways . Over the entire 13 years I looked at porn. A year after the first affair I texted and called a female coworker behind my wife’s back . I even went as far to tell her when i would be at work so that would be “safe”times to call me. A couple years later I went out with a group of 3 females after work one of them was only 16 and the other 2 were only 18 and 19, I at the time was over 30. Two years ago I proceeded to have 2 more deceptive affairs one by texting and talking to a coworker with out my wife knowing about her and the other much worse one was meeting up almost daily at a store by my work multiple times a week at a retail store . Which looking back was a complete limmerance. I went as far one time to “jokingly”( as I’ve always said, but how can it be a joke ) ask for her to send me a pic when she told me she just got out of the shower. This ended quick but not without having a horrible effect on our marriage , I went to IC for 6 months and at the time I was diagnosed with most likely having a Histrionic PD . That was 2 years ago and I continue to get defensive and hate who I am.
I want to make things better for my wife now . I want her to understand nothing like this will happen again. Two nights ago I truly hit rock bottom . I had deleted a text from a female coworker after I vowed to have complete transparency and showed none of the empathy my wife desires. And just continued to be defensive and upset to the point when I was holding her at the end of the night in bed she told me out of anger not to touch her and she doesn’t love me and I got upset and pushed her out of the bed and she landed on the floor and hit the portable ac in the room. I am very lucky she wasn’t seriously hurt.
That was truly rock bottom . She has rightfully felt and said multiple times she wants me to leave and wants a divorce from me and I am forever grateful she is still with me after all the BS she has been through.
She wants to know what I will do . And in the past I have told her she is hindering me from doing anything from the “walls” she keeps up . But those walls are just to keep her self safe from me until she feels I can be a safe partner. And that’s what I want more than anything if things I can do to make her feel safe and loved by me again and not seem like a narcissist in our relationship

Followtheriver posted 10/7/2019 00:56 AM

Oceanweb6,

Just for future reference, it is very hard to read a thread that does not have paragraphs. Especially for someone like me who's only computer is her phone. Paragraphs also make it easier to understand your story and to reference back to if needed. Anyway.

The way you are using SI doesn't seem to be working for you, does it? Does your BW know about SI? Because I know that she would receive a lot of help and support for what you, your choices and your actions are putting her through.

Why don't you just give your BW a divorce? Why do you even want to be married to her? Why not leave and let her find some peace?

You have treated your BW like a piece of garbage for the last 13 years. It is obvious that you have absolutely no respect for her or the boundaries she is trying set for herself. It is all about what you want and nothing about her.

You say that you hate who you are and want to make things better for your BW, as of 2 days ago, but if that was true, you would leave the home and get yourself into intensive therapy right now. Because otherwise, you are not going to be a safe partner.

I don't think that you really want to make things better or even hate who you are. I think that you are scrambling because you know that you crossed a line the other night and you are trying to save your own ass.

I don't know if you will ever be able to prove to your BW that what you did the other night will never happen again because you have proven again and again that what you want and feel you deserve, is much more important to you than she what she feels and deserves. So why would she believe what you say now, when your actions over the last 13 years have proven otherwise?

I don't know about this Historical PDO but I do see a lot of narcissistic traits in your behavior and in all the time that I have been here on SI, I have never said that to anyone else.

Now I am going to be very blunt with you. You have abused your BW and family for at least, the last 13 years. Your actions are proof that you have abused them emotionally, verbally and now you have escalated to physical abuse. Having multiple A's, busting down the door, reinserting yourself into your family, lie upon lie, with complete disregard for your BW and family. Doing absolutely nothing to become the husband and father that they deserve and repair the damage that you have caused them.

Yes, you physically abused your BW the other night. And you did so because for no other reason than you are a bully and you could.

Then you sit here and write about how you were holding her, when in anger she told you not to touch her and that she didn't love you, then you got upset and pushed her out of bed, where she hits the floor and ac unit.

I think that there is more to that story. I think while holding her, you decided that you wanted sex and she said no, don't touch me, I don't love you. Not in anger but in disbelief and disdain. I am sure that you did get upset, you got angry at not getting what you wanted, when you wanted it. If she wasn't going to put out, then she was getting out and you decided to show her the floor.

I am very lucky she wasn’t seriously hurt.

Do you really consider yourself lucky that she did not get seriously hurt? Do you not see anything wrong with that statement? You hit rock bottom? What about your BW??? How does she feel? Does she feel lucky??? And now you're grateful for her still being with you after all she's been through??? Really??? How about what you and your actions put her through???

If you have just a sliver of love for your BW and family, you need to think of them before yourself for the first time in your life and move out. Then, you need to start intensive therapy to figure out why you are the way you are and what you can do to try and fix yourself. If you can't or are not willing to commit to at least a couple of years of therapy and really working on yourself, then just D your BW.

Because instead of being horrified by your own behavior, you are trying to justify and down play it. You are telling yourself that it really wasn't that bad and blaming your BW. This is typical talk of an abuser. You will do it again, unless you get the help you need. Do right by your BW and family for once, please.

Rustylife posted 10/7/2019 01:46 AM

Edit:Missed the stop sign.

[This message edited by Rustylife at 1:47 AM, October 7th (Monday)]

Oceanweb6 posted 10/7/2019 05:40 AM

How do I remove the stop sign?

Oceanweb6 posted 10/7/2019 08:06 AM

Thanks for your insight followtheriver.
I know by my past it’s hard to believe but over the past 2 years I’ve been actively working on change . I just need to show my wife how important she is to me.
Something I think was lacking from me for awhile now .
I know deep down infidelity will never happen again but my biggest focus now is making my wife feel cherished , loved and desired.

FearfulAvoidance posted 10/7/2019 09:26 AM

Examine why it is that the same night you deleted those texts and willfully broke a commitment to your spouse, you decided you were entitled to push her out of bed in anger when she rejected you.

That connection might be obvious, but just sit with it for awhile.

Also, I highly reccomend you leave the stop sign up for the first little while. You are going to get some harsh reality checks from other WS. Make sure you can handle those first before inviting BS to comment.

Oceanweb6 posted 10/7/2019 16:20 PM

Thanks fearful.. I know my actions were inexcusable I really wish I could remember what I was thinking at the time I just need to keep working at it. A
As for the stop sign a harsh reality is what I need

DevastatedDee posted 10/7/2019 16:27 PM

Your wife is not important to you. Not as separate individual person. She has value to you and you view her as a possession. IF you disagree and you feel that she is an important person as an individual, the ethical, moral, and empathetic thing to do is to leave her and let her heal from being abused for years. She is a traumatized woman and you are the one who traumatized her. Work on making yourself a healthy person, absolutely, but do not inflict yourself on someone you say you love when you know you're at risk for hurting her not only emotionally and psychologically but physically too. She is not safe with you. You are dangerous to her in every way in your current state and it will take a long time to change enough to not put her at risk.

wifehad5 posted 10/7/2019 16:51 PM

I removed the Stop Sign for you. Betrayed Spouses can now post.

gmc94 posted 10/7/2019 18:31 PM

I looked up HPD (Histrionic personality disorder), and found the APA definition as:

a personality disorder characterized by a pattern of excessive attention-seeking emotions, usually beginning in early adulthood, including inappropriately seductive behavior and an excessive need for approval......people with histrionic personality disorder have good social skills however, they tend to use these skills to manipulate others so that they can be the center of attention.
Sounds like the "inappropriately seductive behavior" may have become compulsive, for a long time. Which may put you into SA (sex addict) territory. Take the test for sex addiction. You can find it online (there may be a couple...one is SAA and one is the Sex Addiction Screening Test). Between the porn and multiple As, I'd be surprised if you don't score w/in the rage of SA (sex addict).

If you are still with your IC, as them about SA and seeing a CSAT. If you have the financial means, there are intensives across the country for SA. One in Boulder,Co is highly recommended. I believe there's another in Tennessee (cant remember where).
If you don't have the financial means, there are sexaholics anonymous meetings.

You are abusing your BW - emotionally and physically.

There is help available - both costly and intensive, or free via 12 step. Use it.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 6:39 PM, October 7th, 2019 (Monday)]

Oceanweb6 posted 10/7/2019 19:42 PM

Is the 12 step just for sa or is there one for infidelity?

gmc94 posted 10/7/2019 23:27 PM

The 12 step programs are for SA (its SAA - sex addicts anonymous).
I'm no therapist or expert, maybe you are and maybe you aren't. You can take the SAST online. It's offered through a ton of websites if you google sexual addiction screening test. Takes a couple of minutes.

FearfulAvoidance posted 10/8/2019 00:09 AM

I really wish I could remember what I was thinking at the time

It is not about what you were thinking at the time. It is about what you were feeling.

Guilt? Shame? Disgust with yourself?

Dig into that more. It will help to understand why you respond to your feelings by taking it out on your wife. With the hopes that you can stop yourself next time. Because oh buddy, will there be a next time you have those feelings.

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