One of the waywards who isn’t on much anymore use to say continue to ask why.
This lead me to writing every why I could think of. It didn’t matter if it was a surface why or a bit deeper. Even the surface why’s are a crack into the basement door that leads down to the deeper whys.
Example:
I didn’t feel loved. If we remain here it’s really is a blame shift on the BS but we move deeper into this by opening up the door and going into our darkness.
Why did I not feel loved? Because I am insecure.
Why am I insecure? Because I never felt I was ever good enough.
Why do I feel I was never good enough? Because my father told me I could always do better.
This lead me to explore my father’s constant messages that I was not good enough. That nothing I would ever do would please him. I tried for years to do things that were up to his expectations. I still, to this day battle this demon. He is dead and I still have this need to gain his approval even now.
Even typing this I feel the pain of that rejection and the message that was programmed inside me that his approval equaled his love.
That is one of many deep holes inside myself which I used many thing to fill. Drugs, alcohol, affairs, masturbation.
The problem is that isn’t my only why. I had to do this with many more and go down that rabbit hole and find those deep things in myself which I try to fill with outside things.
I’ve learned that nothing fills them. I have to find my self worth inside me. This is a long hard process of self discovery which for me is ongoing. I’m 55 and at least 40 of those years have been spent in either learning bad life skills or living life using bad life skills. The last 5 years has been learning new ways of living which involve me looking at my reactions in all areas of my life and checking myself if I’m reacting to my old ways or am I using new mind paths.
Essentially I went down the rabbit hole multiple times with each member of my FOO (Family of Origion)and others around me at the time and looked into the family dynamics and the tools I used to cope with them. Those coping mechanisms didn’t work. They were a defense against a dysfunctional environment. The problem is I brought those into my marriage and helped create a new dysfunctional environment with my family.
One example of this is my lying. I learned early on that I lie almost automatically. My first inclination is to tell someone what they want to hear. Now when I’m asked a question I have to ask my self am I telling the truth before I say it.
Early on in R I learned a technique to pause a few seconds before speaking as I considered the answer. I talked with my BS about this and she understood that if I don’t answer quickly it’s because the snap answer which formed isn’t me just automatically lying. 5 years ago there were quite a few stops like this, but now them work I continue to do on my self has helped me tell the truth. 98.9% of the time my first answer is the truth. The rest of the time I’m quicker at spotting the action of wanting to say what the person asking wants to hear and then give the truthful answer instead.
