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In-laws

Iamtrash posted 9/5/2019 21:41 PM

How do you deal with the awkwardness of interacting with your in-laws after this?

I have always been on good terms with them. I have always trusted my MIL. Even when the A came out, my MIL was kind to me and tried to help. During the altercation with my BH, she took our marriage notebook and threatened me with it. Threatened to expose all the things I was trying to work through. (I know it was done in anger. She has apologized. Iím just still bothered by it. I know I will move past it.)

Tomorrow will be the first time Iíve seen her in nearly a month. I havenít talked to her in any way. It got me thinking about future events. Holidays, birthdays, etc. How do you get through all these family events knowing youíre the reason your immediate family is now chaos? Does it ever get less awkward?

[This message edited by Iamtrash at 9:43 PM, September 5th (Thursday)]

Zugzwang posted 9/6/2019 09:30 AM

No. Instead of focusing on it being awkward you accept humility. You apologize for what you did and thank them for being there for your betrayed. You show them that you will never hurt their child again.

ChanceAtLife35 posted 9/6/2019 11:41 AM

Iamtrash,

I have been here and I agree with Zugzwang on accepting humility. I actually had to look up what this meant in order to understand it but it truly will help you when interacting with family, friends, and in-laws of the BS. Most importantly help you and your BS. My BW's family and friends loved and took me in as family. However, I was in disguise playing a character to all of them. I knew I had a lot of pain and such but I wanted others to love and accept me no matter what. So when dday happened and after, I was stuck in so much shame and avoidance I didn't know how to feel or deal. I remember how badly i wanted to apologize to everyone I hurt. Her mom came to visit and I cried and apologized for hurting her daughter. I could see the hurt in her Mom's eyes, but she hugged me and said a few gentle words. I apologized to some of her friends and again, you can see the hurt that they carried but it was for my BW. Because they have known her since childhood and seen her go through so much and for this to happen, they felt the impact of it too.

When it came to events and holidays, it was very nerve wracking and upsetting for my BW because she was in so much trauma but I did my best to be cordial and civil. I told myself not to walk around like a lost person and face what I had done. 1 year later, things are getting better, but some of her family are too hurt to talk to me. Just keep putting in the work, face it head on and just know it will get better. Understand it will never be the same and some won't forgive you or talk to you again. The priority is with the BS no matter what.

Itsallmyfault posted 9/8/2019 15:00 PM

IAT, I think all you can do is remember In-laws are humans, just with anger or sadness for what you did to their son.

I'm VERY lucky, I still have great relationship with MIL, she is a very hands on grandmother to our children, loves to visit after work, we visit her, kids stay over. We spoke after she found out. She told me she'd hurt me if she ever found out i'd hurt her son again (Justified!) We later spoke a bit more about it. She held me at arms length for the first few months, but then we found we were talking like normal, hanging out with the kids like normal and the awkwardness went away. I think she knew how sorry I was. She knew I accepted my blame, and how much I hated what I did.
Since my partner has ended things, and moved out, I have seen her a few times. We are still on absolutely great terms. I told her I will love her son for the rest of my life, but I need to let him be happy and be away from me. That i regret everything i did, and wish i can turn the clock back. That i know I can't so all I can do is let him be happy. Let him heal. But even so I will wait for him for the rest of my life. She cried, hugged me, and told me I can talk to her, if I need it. That she was sad for our split and wishes she could help him through the pain more. I said I wished that for her, and him too.

Anyway I'm getting to the point. If they can see you are truly sorry for your actions, that you are putting in work to help BH heal from your betrayal, that you aren't glad for the family isn't what it once was, focus on being open, honest and communicative, talk to them like they are still family, act with humility, take an interest in their projects, things going on with their lives (they're still people too!) it will get easier over time.

FoenixRising posted 9/8/2019 19:16 PM

No one is perfect. We are all allowed to stumble. For right now, humility and faking it to make it will carry you through. Again not easy but best to keep peace and pause the feud with mother in law. Sheís a valuable presence in your children life and just be thankful for that, for them. Bc remember, for her, the children are most important. She has apologized so she is aware of her over step. Youíll prove yourself to her by continuing to do the work that you are. Sheíll see it. I imagine one day, months away, youíll sit with her and have the chance to both talk about it and connect in moving forward with a vow that she not get involved again. Iím sure she will abide. Remember, you are both very rational people when youíre not in emotional distress.

Iím proud of you trash. I really am. 😊

Iamtrash posted 9/9/2019 07:21 AM

Sucked up my pride. Youngest had a fever last week. BH said I should ask her to keep him since he couldnít go to daycare and I didnít want to miss work. (Been using my PTO to accommodate IC.)

MIL didnít know BH and I have been taking. I asked him to tell her so it would t seem weird if I reached out. It was awkward, but she was kind. She mailed me a letter a week ago, I havenít read it but Iím sure itís nothing bad. I was filled with anxiety not being with my baby, but I knew he was safe with her. I guess because Iíve been handling everything, it was hard to say I needed help that day.

FoenixRising posted 9/9/2019 08:59 AM

BUT YOU DID SAY IT!!!!! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

That is so hard for a perfectionist! Look at you!!! And you trusted another woman (a good woman, that raised a lovely son rather successfully nonetheless!) and everything worked out. Now, as time goes on, remember how this worked out. It was hard bc you werenít with your son but it was ok to share the work bc you do need to put your health (IC appointments!!! Yes!!!!! Youíre back in counseling!!!!) first right now. There should be no guilt in that bc itís in an effort to heal your entire family.

Trash! Look at you. Very proud. Now change your damn here bc you can be anything... youíre certainly not trash and I donít like calling you that. Xoxoxo

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