BW here. SI can be slow on the weekends (esp holiday), and I'm sure there will be WS along to give their input.
I recently listened to some podcasts, so they are most definitely coloring my thought processes right now. But the gist is that the first thing is to truly really educate the WS about trauma and traumatic response. Again, I'm a BS, so I don't think I'll ever "get it" from the WS side of the street, but my sense is that the point is getting the WS to understand traumatic response and work to separate his/her feelings from what the BS is expressing. To learn to do with without defensiveness or minimizing, etc.
I've let myself become overwhelmed by how much I need to change
So maybe focus on changing ONE thing? I think it's sooooo important for the WS to stop the defensiveness ASAP. When a BS expresses their feelings, they NEED (not want - they truly NEED this for safety) the WS to validate BS feelings, attune to BS, and show empathy. So maybe the one thing right now is communicating during your BS' traumatic responses, triggers, etc. To start a new communication style that helps the BS feel safer, helps to rebuild trust, etc.
One common mistake with my WH and I was semantic arguments (my WH was a master at this and it did a LOT of post dday damage). This would be when the BS says things like "you loved him more than me" and the WS responds with "that's not true. I never loved him. I always loved you" etc. Just about the worst way to respond IMO. I'm gonna assume as a WS you are thinking: but to say something else would be DISHONEST and I promised to not do that... and that a part of you is also saying something like "but that's not FAIR" (which I'm gonna ignore, but you might want to try and think about when you feel this and figure out how to get over it bc anything you experience as "unfair" today is a gnat on the elephant of "unfair" you have thrust upon your BS).. So- what IS the way to respond? "I can certainly understand why you feel that way, and I am so sorry that my behavior and actions put you in a place where you question my love. I will do everything I can to help you heal from this".
Can you see the difference? What you are saying is still (hopefully) completely TRUE. But what you are NOT saying (or implying) is that your BH is not seeing reality, that your BH is crazy, etc. You are not switching his pain into a conversation about YOU. This can apply to ANYTHING right now. You are 45 min late and BS says "you are an hour late and you know I don't trust you". The response is NOT "I wasn't an hour late, it was ONLY 45 min". The response needs to be something like "I'm so sorry I was late, that was inconsiderate and you have every right to feel angry. I will do x in the future."
Your validating his feelings is also the entry to attuning to him - to (as Gottman would put it) have the "desire and the ability to understand and respect your partner's inner world" . TBH, this definition is pretty close to empathy, but it starts with the DESIRE to understand and RESPECT his world - his PAIN. Do you want to be someone that does that? Or do you want to be the WS who is more interested in "setting the record straight" or "explaining your side of things" or whatever other stories you tell yourself in the midst of those arguments?
And then we come to empathy, which is the capacity to attune to the BS' feelings, based on what the BS has said. Folks differ on how to get here. The "fake it til you make it" really pissed me off in the early months. Now I can see that some folks need more help in this dept (not that I would have been capable of providing it to my WH early on - and even now sometimes). But those empathetic statements are pretty close to the validation - things like "I can see you are hurt" or "I understand your anger" or "I hear you" (and NOT going into your explanation). It's basically saying to your BS that I SEE YOU, I see your pain and I am responsible for it and I am accountable for it. Finding empathy is finding a way to sit with your BS' pain and NOTHING ELSE. Just sitting with it. Let it wash over you without denying or minimizing or justifying or your shame.
It sounds like you know your shame isn't helping. It's really just another manifestation of total selfishness. I really hope you aren't saying things like "I'm sorry, but can't you see how much pain I AM IN bc of the pain I see you in" or something like "why are you even with me when I've ruined your life" (something my WH has said more than once) . This kind of thing is simply redirecting your BH's pain (that YOU created) to YOU. Do that on YOUR time - do not do that with your BS.
So - these strike me as relatively simple (not necessarily easy) things a WS should be able to focus on. Maybe a bunch of WS will come and tell me how clueless I am, but from a BS perspective, this is kind of basic trauma help 101.
As to the timeline? I'm gonna give you a 2x4 on this front - so ignore this paragraph if you aren't up for it. Think of it this way, every minute you avoid doing it, is a minute you are twisting a knife into your BS's heart. EVERY SECOND is a twist of pain to him. Every time you tell yourself you will do it and then don't - you might as well just go punch him in the face... hard. If he's asked for it and you are stalling you are telling him that he doesn't matter. You are telling him that you are still more important than him. You are telling him that you value your own emotional comfort more than his healing. For me, a punch in the face is more respectful than making promises you won't keep. My WH and I are about 2 months S - one of the major sticking points is his repeated promise to do a timeline and then no follow through. TBH, I can envision recovery and forgiveness for the LTA before I can imagine forgiving him for the 18 months of avoiding a timeline. If you aren't going to do it, then just divorce him. Yes, it's THAT bad.
I'm going to assume you've read how to help your spouse heal. If not, do it - TODAY (Im told you can find it free online).
and when your BS lashes out and is acting crazy? Remember that this is TRAUMA. His executive brain has probably pretty much left the building, and it's normal. But it also means his lizard brain may be running the show. He is probably totally freaked out by it and I'd bet it scares the shit out of him. But in those moments, it may help if you can put your emotions aside and realize that this is the most base, primal part of him that is lashing out. It's our body's way of protecting ourselves. Its our body saying that you are not safe and I need to do something about it. TBH, a lot of the response post dday (not "just" the lashing out) is governed by the BS' lizard brain. It took over pretty much everything in me for at least 6 months. I guess the hope would be that the WS finds a way to separate the BS from their trauma brain..
Anyhow, just the $0.02 from a BS who is S bc her WH has been unable to do this stuff.
ETA: I see some others have posted, which is great. I agree that IC should be helpful.
when competing against one's own pride and ego, one can lose every battle until you decide you won't lose anymore. Until pride and ego are separated from heart, the competition between the two will stifle any real progress or growth.
This is spot-on. During the immediate aftermath (and "immediate aftermath" can be a year or two) the BS trauma must be triaged. I described it as being shot repeatedly by my WH and I'm on the ground bleeding out, while he is concerned about the scratch he got from the gun's recoil from him SHOOTING me. Having a loved one bleeding out is NOT the time for you to worry about your pride or ego. That does not mean that you are destined for a forever life w/o attending to your needs. It does mean that his bleeding is more important right now.
[This message edited by gmc94 at 12:50 PM, September 1st, 2019 (Sunday)]