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Countrygirl10 posted 7/3/2019 09:47 AM

I just need somewhere safe to say some things going through my mind. All stuff I would normally say to my IC but I haven’t been in a month and just have a lot on my mind. And would like some ideas/input??

What bugs me most is after I confronted about talking to a female again after I caught him cheating. He still didn’t tell me everything just pieces of most things. (He has no idea what I know or how I know)
With that said I told him ‘I am done, I am not doing this the rest of my life’.. unfortunately due to me not having all my ducks in a row it leads me to still be here. I talk as little as possible to him.

Pisses me off Now he is telling me when new things happen (I guess, I stopped caring so also stopped looking) he deactivated his tumbler tells me when people reach out to him. Trying to be more positive.. I don’t really know why it all bothers me he wants to ‘make it work understands it will be a long hard road but wants to build trust back’ give me a year if you still feel this way then leave.. Yeah buddy you fucked that when you had a ‘slip up for dd2’. His response was ‘I didn’t act on it I didn’t have sex with her’..

Being around him puts me in a miserable mood. I actually go straight to good mood to B*ch just hearing his voice.
Yet in his twisted head ‘we are going to get through this don’t give up on me or us I know your only here for the kids but there must be a little for me’
Like REALLY what part of I am done and do not want to work on this anymore I will never trust you again Is positive?? and this morning two little sentences set me off my rocker ‘I dont know how to build trust back’ and ‘I heard this works let’s try it..only be positive to each other for 2 weeks if someone starts speaking negatively mention it’ ..

why can’t he listen to my words? Why can’t he accept what I say?
Why can’t he accept what he did that broke me to pieces and I’m done? I get fighting for someone you love. But if someone told me I’m miserable because of you and what you did I would understand. That ‘I need you in my life you are my everything it was all just fantasy I should never of asked for a open marrage just left it as pure fantasy’
For F*k sake you may really be sorry and genuinely trying to change for the better but your not showing me any reason to stay.
On top of not being able to stand him or make sense to him how I feel he is making my life miserable..

I’m so upset with myself for confronting him when I did. He just kept pushing me to no end about something and I lost it.. I wanted everything to be in place so I could walk out. Why couldn’t I just hold it in a few more weeks :(

The1stWife posted 7/3/2019 11:06 AM

Your anger and rage is justified and we completely understand those feelings. Many of us have been there.

I too confronted at DDay2- I told him (calmly) “sorry I’m done”. Two Ddays and false reconciliation-pushed me to my limit.

He begged me to reconsider. I said yes to shut him up but I had my plan B and was executing. I had told him he had to leave. He didn’t want to but knew I wasn’t negotiating anything.

Somehow we reconciled. But I had serious demands. One was a post nup. My $ was my $ and not joint assets.

Somehow I managed to get past the anger and saw he was serious about making changes and fighting for the marriage. It’s been 6 years (tomorrow) and we have happily reconciled and the changes he made are still here today. They were not temporary attempts to patch things up and then he stopped doing them.

If you really want to detach then do the 180. Be home as little as possible. Don’t be in the same room very often. Keep an active schedule outside the house. Open your own bank account and credit cards etc. and find another place to stay temporarily.

Hope you have a counselor for you. You will need it especially during the D process. There are some rough spots - it can get ugly - you need a good support team.

fareast posted 7/3/2019 12:30 PM

Sorry Countrygirl10:

You have been heard. Remember he is a classic cake eater. He desperately wants to hang on to his image as a father and a H, but still play around. His fervid desire for an open M is pure cake eater. So he will be constantly badgering you to stay in the relationship. From what you have posted he seems to be a very insecure, needy man. Also, his Happy Meal seems to be missing a few French fries, if you get my drift. So, please implement a hard 180 and follow the advice of The1stWife. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 5:57 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]

nekonamida posted 7/3/2019 17:38 PM

CG, I dug out my bullshit translator and luckily it still works.

‘I didn’t act on it I didn’t have sex with her’

Translation: I didn't want to have sex her! Not before I convinced you to be okay with it, of course! Don't you see? I was thinking of you all along while chatting up these OW to enhance MY .... uh, OUR sex life and we'll be happy and free forever once it works!

we are going to get through this don’t give up on me or us

Translation: Don't stop giving me chances to mess up and if you do, you'll miss out on how great this relationship COULD be when I succeed in convincing you everything is fine! So fine in fact that we sleep with whoever we want! And if not, I can pretend to be monogamous just for you and tell you the others mean nothing to me! How could you possibly want to miss out on the illusion of a perfect relationship with me!?!

I know your only here for the kids but there must be a little for me

Translation: Yes! Think of the children! And if that doesn't work, maybe if I tell you how much you secretly love me deep down enough you will start to believe it over your own lying mind!

‘I dont know how to build trust back’

Translation: UGH! Googling things? Telling the truth? Reading BOOKS? IC!?! Actually becoming a decent partner is HARD! Maybe if I just act dumb enough, you will take pity on me and not make me do it!

I heard this works let’s try it..only be positive to each other for 2 weeks if someone starts speaking negatively mention it’

Translation: OH! I finally figured out how to not have to do anything hard AND get you to stay! I just have to have us pretend like none of this ever happened and if either one of us slips, we'll call each other out and keep up the charade! Hmm, and if you catch me talking to one of my Completely Platonic Female Friends(TM), you can't say anything because that would be NEGATIVE and breaking our agreement! Maybe in 2 weeks I can get you to do this forever or maybe I'll think of a way to convince you to invite my new CPFF into our bed for some platonic and innocent play time!

Hmmm, that's all I'm getting from the translator. I think the battery died after that large amount of crap to read between the lines.

CG, seriously though, it's not that he doesn't hear you. It's that he isn't on the same page as you. He clearly wants things to go back to pre-DDay. Yeah, the pre-DDay where he was cheating. And if that can't happen, he wants to be allowed to sleep with OWs. And he especially wants you to blindly trust him again without doing any of the work so that he can get what he wants one way or another. His agenda is VERY transparent.

But obviously there is absolutely no way you could live with either of the options he is giving you. No one could unless they were the type of person who would be okay with an open marriage in the first place. And even then I'm not sure your WH could be open and honest with you when there is no reason not to be. Because he's impulsive and doesn't like consequences so to some extent, he doesn't even see the rules put in place to make you feel safe or understand why they're necessary.

And this may not mean he's 100% a scheming liar and evil man. He may just be ruled by his impulses and not have enough empathy to experience your pain as an unpleasant consequence to his actions. He has no shame. And deep down, he's not the brightest crayon in the box so he truly believes he can talk you into happiness and enlightenment if you just do what he wants and never make any waves over his infidelity because he doesn't acknowledge your pain and suffering. You barely even factor into his choices because on some level he believes what's best for him will automatically be best for you and everyone else no matter how stupid and selfish that sounds.

But none of the above matters nor does it excuse his bad behavior. Because what matters is YOU. Your safety. Your health. Your happiness. And he's making it clear that he can never give you what you need to be happy with him. He doesn't even comprehend what your problems are because all he can see is his own problems - you being mean to him, him not getting laid enough, him wanting to remedy that but being stopped by you, you potentially leaving him, etc. That's why he's focusing on ways to solve all of his problems in one neat, tidy little strategy like positivity while completely ignoring how terrible that would be for you.

This issue of his is so deeply ingrained that you can never say anything to change his mind. He won't hear it. You can never do anything to make him get it. He won't see it. He will never change until he can acknowledge even a tiny bit the destruction he is causing to you and his family and decide for himself that he needs to change and owes it to everyone to be the best version of himself that he can be. He may never get there and he definitely will not get there if you enable him by paying his delusions about you jumping for joy at living a lie any mind. So do whatever you need to do to get out because it's the only chance he has of hitting rock bottom and turning things around.