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Too much contact?

Hobbyist posted 6/30/2019 08:44 AM

Started seeing someone a week ago, started mostly as physical and a "we'll see where this goes, with no expectations" agreement. She's messaging me, too much for my taste. It's like she's just sitting there, waiting for me to message her back (she doesn't have kids and she's not as busy as me). The conversation is really good, but I'm feeling a bit smothered, as I was wasn't looking for an all day texting partner.

How can I approach telling her this and try to let her course correct? I'm all for seeing where things go, but she needs to maintain her own life separate from me in the meantime. Or should I just end things with her?

WhoTheBleep posted 6/30/2019 08:49 AM

Why don't you just take your time responding to her? You don't have to respond immediately to every single text. Keep it cool and casual on your end. If she persists, tell her to cool her jets (heard that line from a member here!). If she still persists, move on.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 8:52 AM, June 30th (Sunday)]

Chrysalis123 posted 6/30/2019 08:56 AM

I think this might be a tiny red flag. Could be nothing other than she is excited about meeting you and maybe in her world lots of texting is normal.

On the other hand, just like you sense, she could be a "smother-er" or worse. Insta-relationships often indicate a problem.

I agree with Whothebleeep. Don't respond right away or at all. And consider just being honest with how you feel about texting.

Saadnblu posted 6/30/2019 10:06 AM

I think everyone's comments are cogent: if you're not sure what she is exhibiting, sounds like you need to do a bit more research. You could let her know that it's difficult for you to reply to every text because you are busy, but that you will get back to her when you are free. This puts it out into the open, and she can then respond. If she's not happy with it, then you know something about her. If you're not happy with what you know--you have your answer. I would, personally, opt for being totally upfront with her. That way you avoid getting into a possible passive- aggressive role with her. Text is weird, can be intrusive. We all need to use it in a way that makes sense to each of us. Good luck!!

EvenKeel posted 7/1/2019 07:44 AM

started mostly as physical and a "we'll see where this goes, with no expectations" agreement
What does this look like to you? If it is mostly physical with no expectations does that equate to a hook-up to you? And what does that mean to her.

If you didn't outline what that meant when you discussed it; you guys might be on different pages.

Texting is just a form of 'connection' for many folks; it sounds like that is her thing as well.
What would be ideal for you? A daily check-in? Every few days? Once a week? Whatever you are thinking - share that with her. You are only a week in; you have nothing to lose by being honest. If you guys are on different paths/preferences; then you come up with a compromise. If you can't, then it just isn't the right fit for you right now.

I.will.survive posted 7/12/2019 05:39 AM

I absolutely love hearing from my partner by text....and I realize you are not partners.

When we first started dating, it drove me insane that it would take 3 hours for him to respond to a text. I commented that it was like the slowest game of ping pong EVER.

It's really hard to get to know someone through conversation (albeit texts) when it's not a volley if that makes sense.

It sounds like her style is like mine....we want to talk through texts (which means no commitment of time on the phone during the day) and we can multi task while getting to know you.

My phone lives on my desk at work and on the kitchen counter at home. If I am in one of those two places, I hear it ding and can answer in 15 minutes or less. I am not waiting for it to ding, but it's not hard to respond!

But I'm thinking since this was a hook up of sorts with "we'll see where this goes" agreement, her texts feel intrusive. Maybe you just prefer to drive the bus and make the moves since you aren't all in?

Tigersrule77 posted 7/12/2019 08:25 AM

One option might be to text her that you have a busy day ahead and not much free time. She might then slow down. Or as others said, don't respond right away. If things are good overall, i don't think it makes sense to break things off over this, but as Chrysalis wrote, it could be a red flag. Something to keep in the back of your mind going forward.

HappyTree posted 7/12/2019 09:47 AM

I'm going to also say that its all up to you.

Texting, for me, is a very easy way to get to know someone. I am getting to know someone. We have completely opposite schedules so we text alot. I just find it fun. Whenever we see something funny or ironic, we text a photo to each other. I am not waiting around for his texts by any means, but I love it when I check my phone and he sent something. We are simply getting to know each other. Maybe she just wants to get to know you without sex?

If you don't want to text all day, don't text. That's fine. No biggie.

Rustylife posted 7/12/2019 11:26 AM

Not a red flag per se. Just make an offhand comment when you meet her next time that you're not a prolific texter and don't enjoy too much time in front of the screen. She'll get the message.

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