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She does not get it

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bluelights posted 6/26/2019 22:49 PM

45 days from Dday.
Never got the truth.
WS put me on the street, shows no remorse. Tells me the OP is better.
12 years dedicated to this person I love so deeply.
I am shaking in despair.
The affair is still going on and WS only worry is if I will contact OP.
1 year long affair and it could be more. I do know the truth. I could not get to her phone. When I saw the first text I panicked and I should not.

I want the truth. I want her back, but she does not care for me one bit!

DM me if you can, I am doing horribly.

[This message edited by bluelights at 5:51 AM, June 27th (Thursday)]

Trdd posted 6/27/2019 06:50 AM

You are going to get a lot of good advice here very soon. I will give you a couple of quick things to think about.

At this point, many people who still love their WS are tempted to do what is called the Pick Me dance. They try to appeal to their ws and win them back. This is a failing strategy. Particularly if she is expressing that the AP is better than you and is not showing any signs at all of remorse.

You need to go into the library here on this site and read about the 180. In this sub Forum there are also several very long threads which explain the 180 and accountability. You need to take a firm stand and draw a line in the sand. It is her choice who she sleeps with but she can't sleep with other people and still be married to you. You will read about the details but the strong recommendation is that you need to expose her affair to the light. Her family, if the other person has a family then they should be exposed as well.

So instead of the Pick Me dance you need to come across as strong and hold her accountable. Distance yourself from her and her behavior so she understands what she has done. Take care of yourself physically and mentally. In the long run, this will make you more attractive to her then the Pick Me dance will. But that is not the sole reason to do it. The stress you are under will eat you up if you don't take care of yourself. The 180 will help in this regard and it will give you a chance to see if she can become remorseful. If this was an exit Affair and she never comes back to you, the 180 will also allow you to at least hold your head high if you end up on the road to divorce. That way you won't look back upon that path and see yourself groveling to win someone back who left you behind.

Know that you will get through this. There is life on the other side no matter what happens to your marriage. This will be a terrible and stressful time so make sure you leverage all the resources you can to take care of yourself and get the best outcome for you.

Chaos posted 6/27/2019 07:01 AM

Read everything you can from the Healing Library.

Get tested for STDs.

Contact an attorney [to know your rights]

Be extra gentle with yourself.

If there is an OBS [or SO] inform them ASAP.

Chrysalis123 posted 6/27/2019 07:11 AM

Hi bluelights. Im so sorry you had to find us, but glad you did.

I know how horrible and devastating this betrayal, rejection, and pain is.

I bumped 3 threads for you. The have the bullseyes.

Today, I hope you can hydrate, eat, and cry. Also, please find at least 1 thing to make you smile and better even to laugh. Just one moment of smiling or laughing, OK. Can you do that?

You are safe here. We have walked this path, and I for one, made it to the other side. It was hardest thing I ever did, but if I can survive infidelity so can you. I never thought I would be a better person after all this devastation, but I am. You will be too...just not today.

Please post as much as you need to. You cannot over do it. We are here for you at all hours.

Since you are new here, read the guidelines so you know how we keep everyone safe here at SI. You will find them over on the left.

steadychevy posted 6/27/2019 07:20 AM

bluelights, why are you on the streets? Why isn't she? She's the one who wants to leave the marriage so she can leave the house.

Get to a lawyer and find out your rights. I know it's hard, real hard. We don't know which way to turn or up from down. We've all been there. Most, maybe none, had a plan or strategy for events like this in our lives. The first period of time after DDay are real hard. Some get through that period faster than others.

Do you know if the AP is married? Can you contact the OBS (other betrayed spouse) if he is or if he has a SO?

Look after yourself. Drink plenty of water but little alcohol. If you can't get solid foods down (I couldn't, they made me puke) get some meal replacement drinks. I could swallow them, at least. Talk with your place of employment about the stressful situation you are in (I'm assuming you work where there is reasonable management and maybe even employee support where you can get some counselling).

Most of all, stay with SI. There is a community of people here who have been through what you are experiencing. We understand. We might have different perspectives and advice but we all want to help you get out of adultery, heal and support you whether you R or D. I'm so sorry.

singlecatmom posted 6/27/2019 07:28 AM

I know how you feel. My ex also had/has no remorse, moved in with AP as soon as I kicked him out, and never even apologized or reached out to me since. The complete disregard for me, my feelings, and our life we had together hurts worse than the affair itself. It is frankly dehumanizing, that is the only way to describe it. Like I am less than human in his eyes.

I am so, so sorry you are experiencing this. Like others have mentioned, she is in her affair fog and it is THICK. But, in a way, that is a favor to you. If my WS did what other waywards do and begged for my forgiveness or cried at my feet, I would have let him continue stringing me along while he continued his affair. His aloofness was a gift, so I could properly let go.

You NEED to fill your time. That is what has helped me. All the time I'd be spending ruminating, picturing them together, wondering what they are saying about me while they fall asleep together while I'm alone in my empty apartment, is better spent around real love and joy. My family, my friends, my work, my hobbies. Things that I love and that LOVE ME BACK.

Throw yourself into some self-love. Give yourself the love she can't/won't give you. Do things that make you feel strong, smart, and interesting. Do things you love but that she never showed interest in. GET THERAPY! Eat your favorite foods.

We are in the midst of the ugly, my friend. I'm right here with you. I hope we make it out of here soon. But in the meantime, we must surround ourselves with love, and with that will come hope.

[This message edited by singlecatmom at 7:29 AM, June 27th (Thursday)]

bluelights posted 6/27/2019 09:14 AM

I am sleeping with friends and my cousin, but I am being a burden to them because I am truly sick. I cannot sleep, cannot see beyond the pain. The OP is single and they act publicly as a couple at work. I am so humiliated. I was so innocent, I loved her so much. All I thought while I was away from home was to come home for her.

I do not know the truth, she never told me. I regret panicking when I saw the text, now I would know the truth at least.

I feels like I am going to die.

[This message edited by bluelights at 6:34 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]

Chrysalis123 posted 6/27/2019 09:29 AM

I know it feels like you are going to die, and I know how humiliating it is, especially since they are going public. (((( bluelights)))))

You have nothing to be humiliated about because you did not cheat. She did. People that know this will not think badly about you in the least. This humiliated feeling is kind of like your brain playing a trick on you.

You may want to go to your doctor and explain the situation. Many of us did so in order to get drugs to help. I was on antidepressants for a while. They helped me so much with coping and taking the edge off, until I healed enough to do it myself.

Your doctor will help you. They have heard it all, so please don't be afraid to go. Your doctor can help you find relief today.

You need your body strong. Please go see your doctor today.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 9:33 AM, June 27th (Thursday)]

tushnurse posted 6/27/2019 10:03 AM


Couple of questions is this a Marriage or just a relationship - This matters because if you are married, or even on a lease together she cannot legally kick you out. Go Back if you fall in either of these categories.

Secondly - She has fired you as her partner. The truth of the relationship she currently in doesn't really matter. I realize that you are in a tremendous amount of pain, but she has clearly moved on. You need to stop floundering and start taking some actions.

Here is your to do list for today.

1. Call your Dr and get an appointment. Get seen today if possible. Let them know that you have been traumatized and that pain is crippling you and that you need some support. Ask for help getting set up with a therapist, and for medications that will at least allow you to shut it off to the point that you can function.

2. Figure out if she was legally allow to put you on the street, and if not go back. Let her leave.

3. Read up in the healing library today.

bluelights posted 6/27/2019 10:30 AM

Thank you all so much.

I am married. As I came to know, she did not say she was married at her job. I thought about going public and tell everybody what she did, but I have no energy to deal with the shit storm.

I am going back to the house in a few days to take my stuff off there.

I will never know the truth, it kills me inside.

Chrysalis123 posted 6/27/2019 10:36 AM

I will never know the truth, it kills me inside.

Hey friend, never is a strong word. Really, really odd things have happened here over the years at SI. Unbelievable KARMA stories.

As for me, I believe the truth eventually reveals itself. The universe surprised me with just the nugget of info I needed at just the right time... over and over again. However, not around D day. I would not have appreciated it as much then. I never did get the full truth, but it doesn't matter. I KNOW my truth.

Right now, it kills you inside. In time, it won't. Trust us on this.

You are going to be OK. You are going to be OK.

tushnurse posted 6/27/2019 10:37 AM

I am married. As I came to know, she did not say she was married at her job. I thought about going public and tell everybody what she did, but I have no energy to deal with the shit storm.

I am going back to the house in a few days to take my stuff off there.

You have every legal right to stay in your home.
Make calling a D attorney a priority today as well.

You cannot and will not successfully get through this by just rolling over.

You have to take back some control.

bluelights posted 6/27/2019 10:43 AM

I had my chance to know, but it hurts so much I could not make myself stay calm to copy the texts and read them later on. My wife just deleted them and I have no way to have her phone. If I had acted differently, I would know to whom I have been married to. And turns out this is an extremely abusive and toxic behaviour on many levels.

I am shaking!

[This message edited by bluelights at 10:43 AM, June 27th (Thursday)]

bluelights posted 6/27/2019 10:47 AM


How do I do that? I have read the healing library and all, but I cannot make any changes to improve this situation. I am trying though and the fact that she told me I should stay and then left me for the OP kills me. She promise to show me what I needed to see, but she never did. The OP is her everything and cannot be hurt, so she wont ever break up. It is sad, it is horrible. I feel I was robed of my joy, my life, my future.

Chrysalis123 posted 6/27/2019 10:57 AM

Bluelight, make a call to see an attorney to learn your rights in this situation. Knowledge is power. Learn exactly what will happen if you leave the home. Learn what a typical settlement would look like in your state.

This doesn't mean you will divorce. It means you are taking back your power.

It scared me to death to make the call, and then make the visit to an attorney. But I felt stronger after I learned what the law states and what I could expect.

bluelights posted 6/27/2019 11:20 AM

I am in complete distress.
I would never expect that and that my wife would not give me the truth, no relief whatsoever.

[This message edited by bluelights at 11:21 AM, June 27th (Thursday)]

tushnurse posted 6/27/2019 11:32 AM

Dude.... here is some hard love.

Quit crying about what she has done. It's like crying over spilled milk it accomplishes nothing.

But you do need to start taking the simple actions we have outlined for you.

Take back some control of your own life.
Do NOT leave your home.

The pain is overwhelming, but you have to triage the situation. Otherwise you will never get any better.

There is a good life in front of you. It may not include her, but that is ok too.

bluelights posted 6/27/2019 11:33 AM

How to I deal with not knowing the truth?

Dismayed2012 posted 6/27/2019 11:42 AM

Sorry to hear about your situation bluelights.

You know as much 'truth' as you need to know to get out of infidelity and take your life back.

"The affair is still going on and WS only worry is if I will contact OP." "1 year long affair and it could be more." "I do know the truth." "...I saw the first text..." "I want her back, but she does not care for me one bit!"

There's the truth. Now follow tushnurse's advice and get triaging this situation.

I wish the best for you.

ARock posted 6/27/2019 11:53 AM

Here are your 'truths' (You won't like these first ones)

1. The person you most trusted has betrayed you.
2. She has stepped out of your life together and is starting another one without you.
3. You cannot control - or even influence - her actions.

Other truths that will help you:

1. You CAN control you.
2. You WILL get through this - and be stronger for it.
3. You CAN take action to blow up the affair. Tell everyone - her family, her friends, her work, your family. Don't be afraid to out her affair partner and make his life uncomfortable. What's the worst your wife can do as revenge? Leave you? She already did that.

Follow all the good advice from others. Move back home. Take care of you.

We're rooting for you. You can do this.

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