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Walking Away

BeenBetrayed5 posted 6/25/2019 10:15 AM

I posted an earlier thread, "I Decided Against Reconciliation", and I thought I was able to block him and move on. Well, I did, and he begged to have me unblocked and said he had "something to tell me". We met up. He said the same things. I love you, I care about you, but I can't commit to you. He doesn't think he can be in a relationship with anyone, and that its not just me. I am 6 months pregnant and he wants me to continue to at least talk to him about the baby and I and how we are doing. At this point, I have agreed to let him in on that part of my life. But I have to move on at the same time. It will be incredibly hard, but I am going to do it. He says he isn't talking to other women and especially not talking to the other woman he cheated on me with. But, there's no way I can ever believe him. We don't live together anymore, as I have kicked him out. His daughter who lived with us too still has all her belongings in her room. I guess I will give him what he wants and let him know how I am doing but behind the scenes will be moving on and detaching from him as much as I can. He goes back and forth between reconcilling, and I told him once my feelings turn off I am unsure if they will turn back on. I hope he knows that once I grow cold, I don't know if I can turn around. He just expects me to hang around and wait for him to be ready to be in a relationship again, and I won't be waiting. It's over. It's hard to accept and leave because I am carrying his baby. But why can't he let me go? Why is he having a hard time letting me walk away from him? He can't reconcil but he loves me and cares for me still. He insists that there isn't any motive or ill-will behind this. I am confused, he is confused. And, the only light at the tunnel I can see is our baby. I can't keep going around in circles with him anymore.

deephurt posted 6/25/2019 10:19 AM

In your shoes, I would let him figure out his own mind, not care what his feelings are, move on with my life and just tell him that he is welcome to visitation (if he so deserves) but that he is no longer your concern. Move on, find someone worth your love and your feeling for him will definitely diminish.

BeenBetrayed5 posted 6/25/2019 10:47 AM

Deephurt,

Thank you. That is what my plan is. I just miss being touched in a loving way during this pregnancy (cuddles, hugs, ect). I do not want an emotional or sexual connection with anyone. I am simply lonely and looking for comfort through touch, I think this will make me feel so much better.

ChamomileTea posted 6/25/2019 11:12 AM

But why can't he let me go? Why is he having a hard time letting me walk away from him? He can't reconcil but he loves me and cares for me still. He insists that there isn't any motive or ill-will behind this. I am confused, he is confused.

I can see why you're confused, but I think maybe you're projecting a bit on him. He knows exactly what he's doing. It's you who doesn't have all the facts, not him. From what you posted above, he wants to keep playing, whether it's with the same OW or not is unclear, but if I had to hazard a guess, he's already roped a pony out of the pack. But, he'd like to keep you sweet so you won't make too much of a fuss about child support and visitation, maybe even keep you as an option for later. And he sure as heck doesn't want you and everyone else he knows thinking he's an asshole for dumping a pregnant SO.

Your best play here is to set up a secure, stress-free environment for having your baby... and being ready to file for child support the moment s/he's born. It's up to you whether to grant visitation or fight it, but until that child is born, I'd employ an extremely dark NC.

I'm sorry.

SilverStar posted 6/25/2019 11:21 AM

BB5, Sending strength to you as you navigate this awful situation. Take care of you and your growing baby.

If you are comforted by touch, consider having a professional massage. I did this weekly for a while after DDay, and it was so helpful that I went back to school and became a massage therapist.

BeenBetrayed5 posted 6/25/2019 13:17 PM

Update-

I feel free! We just spoke. I said to him, "please let me go, I am begging you to let me go. We need to move on now. It is best for everyone and the baby." He agreed that we need to not focus on our relationship anymore. I am glad. So no reconcilliation now, and the future? Who knows. I am just relieved and elated almost that we had a normal conversation without crying or stress. He said he hates himself, and he is depressed and he isn't in a right mind to be with anyone. And I know this. We are both moving toward acceptance of the end. We spoke a bit about the betrayal. I said, "I have accepted you had those new feelings with someone else and that you were in another relationship while with me. You chose that and that doesn't make me less than". He agreed with me too (this is the first time he admitted to having feelings for her). He said they were not "in love" feelings but he admitted to liking her and he liked to be with her/have "fun" with her. He means the sex I am sure. I said I know that doesn't mean you are less attracted, and that doesn't diminish your love for me, but for now, the only way I can cope with our end is to stop pretending like there will be a reconciliation, because there won't be. He agreed finally to getting his daughter's things and now I can look to the future of getting my daughter's room ready. I am so excited to be with her. I hope these feelings of relief last -- I am being hopeful, I know they will not. I will go back and forth for the next weeks and months to come saying, "Did I make the right decision?" "Will he ever love me again?" I just have to be strong enough to fight away those negative thoughts and impulsive emotions. I can do this!

Beachwalker posted 6/25/2019 13:45 PM

BB5: A big “Congrats!” to you!! If he truly loves you, he will do whatever it takes to get his mind and heart straight, and you will see that in his actions. Good going on separating, for you both need time to focus on yourselves and heal.

I am not sure what the law is there in PA, but in my state the woman has the right to not put a father’s name on the birth certificate. If I am correct, when you do this it means he has no rights to the child without a DNA test. The flipside is that you can never approach him for child support. It’s just food for thought.

Hang in there. This will be a tough time, but you are tougher!

BeenBetrayed5 posted 6/25/2019 14:04 PM

Beachwalker,

Thank you. He will be a good dad. His name will go on birth certificate, but the last name is still going to be up in the air. That's a few months away, we aren't there just yet. It seems this has been amicable, so we hopefully will be able to settle custody issues outside of court. We will see though. He has many issues, including no steady income, a place to live, amongst other issues that he needs to work on before ever committing in a relationship.

Ripped62 posted 6/25/2019 22:12 PM

He cannot allow you to walk away because he is a man child and emotionally a parasite.

Please review your other thread. It contains much insight and wisdom if your goal is to get out of infidelity.

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