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Sally24 posted 6/21/2019 11:56 AM

Earlier this week, I got really angry at myself for staying after dday#1 (Dec 2013). He practically said, but not quite, that he didn't want me any more, but in my own mind, I thought, well, he needs to say exactly what he means or I'm just going to ignore it, too bad for him. Totally missing the fact of how it affected me and my life.

Of course he didn't actually want to leave me, I did everything at home! He'd have to take care of himself if he left, and actually have to spend responsible time with his children (kindergarten at the time) by himself! Neither of us pulled the trigger for divorce back then.

The aftermath of DDay#2 (April 2018) I see as more of my own second chance to open my eyes and make better choices for me and my children. And actually do something.

This week's realization is, what the hell is wrong with me that I let myself be treated so badly??

I'd like to start, in particular, separating our finances (I'm not divorcing him at the moment). He wants nothing to do with managing our money, just wants to spend what he wants. He knows that I'm tired of being sole family accountant, but the only thing that's changed it he's less whiny when I won't give him money for his wants. I suppose I could do all the separating myself, but I was wondering if I should consult a lawyer or at least a financial planner to help out. They might be able to point out things I didn't think of.

I'm not sure the actual reason for this post, just reaching out, I guess. I've been reading here for 6 months or so and have gotten a lot out of it.

J707 posted 6/21/2019 12:40 PM

I too waited since my first Dday 2010 until my last Dday 2018. I paid all of the bills as well. I seperated all credit card debts in half, within $300 of around $24,000 total. $12 grand for me and 12 for her. She stayed at our home so all the regular bills were hers to pay i.e. water garbage cable etc. I went elsewhere that were my my sole bills to pay as were hers.

Are you living together or 2 different households? I kicked myself too for staying as long as I did. I've since pulled head out of my own ass and think I stayed because the love I had for her and my family was real but she wasn't the person I dreamt up in my head. I get it, why did I stay, for the kids, out of fear, just staying pat. It can swirl around thinking what the hell was I thinking?! But you can start today to focus on your future and only have those why did I's start to fade away, it takes time. Things are really so much better once you get away from all the bullshit. A peaceful feeling. Go and talk to a lawyer because all situations are not the same.

Sally24 posted 6/21/2019 14:19 PM

Thank you, J707.

We are still living together, the kids don't know anything about this. Kids complicate things so, don't they. It scares the daylights out of me to have them find out, I just don't want to fuck them up. Scared of making the wrong decision for them.

Charity411 posted 6/21/2019 14:24 PM

I think consulting with a lawyer or financial planner is a great idea. It could save you from costly mistakes once you do file for divorce. In my case, when I finally filed my WH did everything he could to take all our money. If I had been wiser I would have made moves to protect myself before filing and enraging him.

If nothing else, you will feel like you are moving forward.

J707 posted 6/21/2019 16:00 PM

Consult a lawyer, many will do a free consultation and see where you're at. Lean on friends and family in your time for support. In my case, my kids have adjusted and they know what their mom did but I also have them in therapy which is huge. They were 10 and 16 at the time. You and your kids will make it through! Lawyer and financial planner would be a good thing if you can afford both. Since you've been doing the books, you'll know.