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IC told me WS is irresponsible due to his birthdate.

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 iris2536 (original poster member #69470) posted at 1:23 PM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2019

So I've been to my third and last IC session with this therapist. I was already a bit doubtful this was going to work, but this last session basically killed any chance.

I was talking about how WS used to be pretty irresponsible with chores, bills (like he took care of things but it took reminding him, so all responsibility fell to me) and I explained that he has changed since DDay2 and took responsibility as I'd never seen him do before. She then asked me his birthdate. Not wanting to believe she was actually asking me that, I told her the year he was born. And she said "No, the day and month". When I told her, she said "Oh, with this date of birth he is very irresponsible". I asked her why and told her that I was born only a few days apart (albeit different year) and that I was responsible. No explanation.

There were other gems but I tried to keep an open mind as I had no idea how a therapy session was supposed to go. But I'm pretty sure attributing personality traits to zodiac signs does not qualify as professional. She also kept telling me that the cheating was in the past, that I need to work on forgiving and trusting, that I shouldn't be demanding or ask him "hey, why were you late coming home?" because that is too taxing for men and the OW certainly doesn't demand anything from him and he might be drawn to her because of that. I told her if that's the case then good riddance. What the f?

This was such a waste of time and money. I feel like I'm better off on my own and reading on SI, though it can be very triggering and sometimes feels a little judgey. I'd like some help and don't know where to go. How do you screen for a good IC?

Me: BW (28, was 26)
Him: WH (30, was 28)
Reconciling

"We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are."

posts: 140   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2019
id 8384305
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sassylee ( member #45766) posted at 1:30 PM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2019

Look at reviews first, then at your first appt or on the phone if you’re lucky enough to speak to the therapist first, ask which books she’d recommend reading. If the author blames the BS, don’t book with them. If they recommend a book you trust like Not Just Friends - give it a shot.

My R(eformed)WH had a 5 month EA in 2012
In my 7th year of R
“LOVE is a commitment, not an emotion. It is a conscious act of a covenant of unconditional love. It is a mindset and a thought process.” - BigHeart2018’s Professor

posts: 11459   ·   registered: Nov. 29th, 2014   ·   location: 🇨🇦
id 8384310
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CaptainRogers ( member #57127) posted at 2:11 PM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2019

May God have mercy on that IC's soul...

[This message edited by CaptainRogers at 8:11 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)]

BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical

posts: 3355   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2017   ·   location: The Rockies
id 8384321
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ibonnie ( member #62673) posted at 2:50 PM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2019

So... I actually believe a lot in astrology, but I highly doubt your IC figured out his birth chart in her head. She would need to know his location and time of birth!!!!!

Month and day would tell her his sun sign, but not his moon, rising, etc. That's why everyone is different -- you could both be virgo suns (earth signs) but one person could have an pisces moon (water sign) and the other a sagittarius moon (fire sign), so that affects how you're going to react emotionally.

Having said all that... even if she's really believes in astrology, this is a bonkers thing to say because she doesn't have a complete birth chart!

[This message edited by ibonnie at 8:52 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)]

"I will survive, hey, hey!"

posts: 2123   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2018
id 8384347
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allusions ( member #25376) posted at 4:26 PM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2019

That's very unprofessional of her. Not only the astrology thing but her opinions on not holding him accountable and ignoring events because they are in the past.

Yes, read reviews on counselors and do a short phone interview if possible.

You can apologize over and over, but if your actions don't change, your words become meaningless.

Behind every crazy bitch is a sweet girl who just got tired of being lied to.

I've found the key to happiness: Stay away from assholes.

posts: 1979   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2009   ·   location: California Central Coast
id 8384389
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 iris2536 (original poster member #69470) posted at 5:44 PM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2019

I don't believe in astrology. While I don't care what the therapist's personal beliefs are, I expected her to separate them from the profession. Be that astrology or religion or whatever.

In the end this was just damaging as it was just another person telling me that I have to basically let it go. It seems that everyone is of a mind "divorce him or just let it go". Nobody understands the need to question everything, the doubts, the indecision. The need to talk it through and demand that the WS do a little more introspection than "oops, I made a boo-boo, learned my lesson, will never do this again, pwomise".

Me: BW (28, was 26)
Him: WH (30, was 28)
Reconciling

"We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are."

posts: 140   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2019
id 8384444
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