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iris2536 posted 5/28/2019 07:23 AM

So I've been to my third and last IC session with this therapist. I was already a bit doubtful this was going to work, but this last session basically killed any chance.

I was talking about how WS used to be pretty irresponsible with chores, bills (like he took care of things but it took reminding him, so all responsibility fell to me) and I explained that he has changed since DDay2 and took responsibility as I'd never seen him do before. She then asked me his birthdate. Not wanting to believe she was actually asking me that, I told her the year he was born. And she said "No, the day and month". When I told her, she said "Oh, with this date of birth he is very irresponsible". I asked her why and told her that I was born only a few days apart (albeit different year) and that I was responsible. No explanation.

There were other gems but I tried to keep an open mind as I had no idea how a therapy session was supposed to go. But I'm pretty sure attributing personality traits to zodiac signs does not qualify as professional. She also kept telling me that the cheating was in the past, that I need to work on forgiving and trusting, that I shouldn't be demanding or ask him "hey, why were you late coming home?" because that is too taxing for men and the OW certainly doesn't demand anything from him and he might be drawn to her because of that. I told her if that's the case then good riddance. What the f?

This was such a waste of time and money. I feel like I'm better off on my own and reading on SI, though it can be very triggering and sometimes feels a little judgey. I'd like some help and don't know where to go. How do you screen for a good IC?

sassylee posted 5/28/2019 07:30 AM

Look at reviews first, then at your first appt or on the phone if you’re lucky enough to speak to the therapist first, ask which books she’d recommend reading. If the author blames the BS, don’t book with them. If they recommend a book you trust like Not Just Friends - give it a shot.

CaptainRogers posted 5/28/2019 08:11 AM

May God have mercy on that IC's soul...

[This message edited by CaptainRogers at 8:11 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)]

ibonnie posted 5/28/2019 08:50 AM

So... I actually believe a lot in astrology, but I highly doubt your IC figured out his birth chart in her head. She would need to know his location and time of birth!!!!!

Month and day would tell her his sun sign, but not his moon, rising, etc. That's why everyone is different -- you could both be virgo suns (earth signs) but one person could have an pisces moon (water sign) and the other a sagittarius moon (fire sign), so that affects how you're going to react emotionally.

Having said all that... even if she's really believes in astrology, this is a bonkers thing to say because she doesn't have a complete birth chart!

[This message edited by ibonnie at 8:52 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)]

allusions posted 5/28/2019 10:26 AM

That's very unprofessional of her. Not only the astrology thing but her opinions on not holding him accountable and ignoring events because they are in the past.

Yes, read reviews on counselors and do a short phone interview if possible.

iris2536 posted 5/28/2019 11:44 AM

I don't believe in astrology. While I don't care what the therapist's personal beliefs are, I expected her to separate them from the profession. Be that astrology or religion or whatever.

In the end this was just damaging as it was just another person telling me that I have to basically let it go. It seems that everyone is of a mind "divorce him or just let it go". Nobody understands the need to question everything, the doubts, the indecision. The need to talk it through and demand that the WS do a little more introspection than "oops, I made a boo-boo, learned my lesson, will never do this again, pwomise".