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Did the timeline F anybody else up?

JSS1227 posted 5/16/2019 09:54 AM

WH did a timeline like I asked, but it was ridiculously generic, with no actual dates because ďI donít remember what days I saw herĒ. So after checking credit card statements for hotel charges, and google maps timeline for whereabouts throughout their 2 month affair, he was able to figure out what days they went to a hotel (3 times), and what days he went to MOWís house (2 times), so thereís 3 more times they had sex that I still donít have exact dates for. One was in my house 😡🤮, and itís difficult to say what day that was, because he comes home throughout the day several days a week. He has it narrowed down to which week it was. The other two times were in a shopping center parking lot in broad daylight in a vehicle...timeline isnít specific on those two either, since he goes there frequently for lunch, itís difficult to figure out which days they were there. None of this is new info, so no TT; he gave up all this info in the interrogation days immediately following DDay, he just didnít know dates. DDay was 5 months ago, so Iíve already been aware of the number of times, locations, ILYís and pics exchanged, etc for 5 months. The timeline was important to me because I have the right to know the truth about what was going on in my life...I needed to know what was my true reality.
That being said, 2 of the dates in particular have seriously fucked me up. In my story in JFO about a month ago, I explained that there were no signs of his A until about 2 weeks before DDay. Prior to that, I truly believed we had a very happy and almost perfect marriage. We had just had a conversation a few weeks before the A began, that we were the happiest we had ever been. Thatís enough of a mindfuck right there. The first date that is really horrifying me is about halfway through the A, so 4 weeks before DDay. My 10 year child had sustained a very serious injury, which required an ambulance ride to the local hospital, where it was determined she then needed to be transported to a specialty childrenís hospital an hour away. So another ambulance transport, spent the rest of that day, all night, and part of the next day in the hospital with her. I rode in the ambulance with her, WH met me at the childrenís hospital, and he stayed all night with us, was concerned, supportive, always (he has always been a great stepdad). He drove us home after discharge the next day. She was still out of it from the anesthesia, but was very traumatized from her accident, and was in a lot of pain (3 displaced fractures). We were exhausted from being up all night in the hospital with her, but I had to go to work for about an hour to attend a meeting and pick up some files to work on at home. WH said he also needed to go to the office for a couple hours that day, but he offered to stay home with her while I went in, then he would go do what he needed to do at work. I got home from my office that day, he left, was gone about 2 hours, like he said. He picked up some groceries and a get well gift for her on the way home...the perfect supportive husband and stepdad. Except looking at google timeline, he never even went to work that day!!! He left his very traumatized family that day to go to MOWís house to fuck her. This is fucking me up for obvious reasons...that he could be that duplicitous...act so comforting, loving, supportive, concerned...then just leave for 2 hours to go fuck MOW, then come back and listen to all the praises and thank yous for being such a great husband and stepdad??? I canít even wrap my mind around it.
The second date that really hit me hard was 2 weeks before DDay. I had started to suspect something was off; we were still doing things together, still having sex about 3 days a week, but he was acting different. He was being kind of an asshole all the time, and when asked about it, heíd say he was stressed at work. But still, I just felt like he was disconnected from me, and it was really upsetting to me. We had a long conversation in which I *thought* we really reconnected, heard each other out, he listened to my concerns, comforted me, told me how much he loved me, how beautiful I am, and I was the only woman he ever wanted. He sent me flowers, apologized for being distant and taking his stress out on me. Turns out, he didnít mean a fucking word of it..he didnít care at all that I was feeling hurt at his behavior, because that same day, he made plans to meet her at a hotel room the next morning so the could have sex (according to google timeline). The same fucking day!! He was so damn convincing!!!! All those false reassurances!!
Of course everything about the A is hurtful and a total mindfuck. And none of this is new info, but seeing what was really going on during those two particular times has really done a number on me. I have regressed so much in the last few days. I canít even have a conversation with WH without screaming at him...the anger is hitting HARD. And here I thought I had already been in the anger stage. And absolutely nothing that he says or does is impacting me in any way...why should it? He was acting like the perfect husband and stepdad and saying all the right things before, while fucking MOW every chance he got, so how is this any different? Even though WS has been doing everything ďrightĒ trying to R, I canít trust any of it, knowing how duplicitous he is, and now seeing how he can be so completely detached from me during the A, while appearing to be doing everything right in the M.

Does the TL usually set BSís back this much, even if all the general info was known beforehand?

deephurt posted 5/16/2019 10:22 AM

Iím really sorry you are hurting. Itís amazing what they say they donít remember. Itís possible they donít remember but either way they are not helpful.

Itís also amazing when you put things together on your own and you see just how horrible they were acting. How awful their actions really were.

My whís a was approx 9 years. I had to try to figure it out because he didnít remember. As for meetings, no way to figure that out. The sexual stuff was at the very beginning then 7 years with no physical contact and then almost 2 of full blow physical a with love youís I can get approx info with the undeleted texts.

Thing is we shouldnít have to piece anything together. They should willingly tell us everything we need to know. I do believe my wh canít give me dates though as 9 years is an awful long time to try to remember anything.

layla1234 posted 5/16/2019 10:22 AM

My WH had a relatively short affair as well, but the timeline was a huge struggle for many reasons. Quite frankly, I gave up on it because he never made a real effort at it and then it was more work and questions for me to fill it in. But yes, I also struggle with anger. WH actually admitted to me he liked married COW 2 months before Dday (after much pressing from me). In actuality though, they were already in an affair. He lied about so many things, all the while I'm thinking what a great and honest husband I have. It sucks.

Adaira posted 5/16/2019 10:27 AM

Youíre not alone and youíve been heard.

My exWH took me out to lunch one day and initiated a conversation about how he felt the spark in our marriage was gone and he really wanted it back and could we please work on reconnecting and reigniting our marriage? I was all in - of course I had been feeling that lack of a spark too! Weíd been married 12 years! I left that conversation feeling really hopeful and grateful.

He fucked her for the first time less than 24 hours later.

timespent posted 5/16/2019 10:33 AM

Hi JS1227, I don't know where to even start. You are not alone! Everything you are feeling and thinking is normal and appropriate when you have been betrayed to this extent. How could you not be extremely wary of anything he says or does. I remember how absolutely stupid I felt afterwards. And if you are like me, terrified of being so taken in again. Hypervigilance feels like a necessity.

As to the timeline, my spouse had to do a few of them because the first ones were so lame. "I don't remember" seemed like such a cop out. Please don't be afraid to ask (or demand) for what you need. It's the absolute least be can do!!!

DailyStruggle611 posted 5/16/2019 10:51 AM

As others have said, you definitely arenít alone in feeling this way about WHís timeline. Knowing my WHís timeline made it very clear how manipulative, deceitful, and sinister he was. Itís excruciating to realize that it takes a lot of intentionality and planning to cheat on me the way he did. What makes it worse in my case is that the major ďtimelineĒ he wrote out for me was intentionally incomplete. Since this discovery, he has begged to make a new oneóI told him not to bother. His TTs are so numerous that at this point, I seriously doubt I will ever trust him again. Out of all this, the hardest part for me to stomach is how I meant absolutely nothing to him, despite all the lovely and wonderful things he said to me while he was cheating. It was all a huge lie.

emergent8 posted 5/16/2019 10:55 AM

You're absolutely not alone. I spent a lot of the first year post-Dday going obsessively reliving the prior year and trying to reconcile what I thought was going on with what was actually going on. I know exactly how you feel about wanting to know your "true reality". It is a process and it wont stop until you feel like you have the whole story (keep in mind, you will NEVER have the whole story).

My husband was the same as yours in that particular dates were difficult. There are some where he was only able to narrow certain events down to a few possible days. I believe he did as well as he could, however I was not 100% satisfied. The reality, of course, was that I was unable to tell you what I was doing on those dates either.

Be kind to yourself. None of this is easy, though it does get easier.

hcsv posted 5/16/2019 11:37 AM

I guess I never understood the need for a timeline.

1. it lets them relive the affair

2. it messes with the BSs mind, in that now there are dates and times that will forever be ruined and a reminder that WH was f-ing her today, so many years ago.

I didnt ask, didnt want to know.

JSS1227 posted 5/16/2019 13:30 PM

Thanks for all the responses; Iím glad Iím understood and not the only one that regressed with the TL, but Iím also sorry to see others suffering with it as well.
Deephurt 9 years? Iím sorry, I can only imagine what going through that TL would be like
Layla1234 I agree..thinking back to how I thought he was such an amazing husband now makes me sick
Adaira that is awful! I cannot understand how or why our WHís showed what appeared to be genuine concern for the disconnect and empathy for our feelings, all while planning to fuck the OW within 24 makes everything he says or any remorse or empathy he shows me now meaningless.
Timespent yes, his first TL was so generic, all I could manage to say to him was AYFKM?? I then went into great detail about exactly what I wanted in the TL, then got another one with no dates, just months. In a 2 month A, that doesnít really tell me anything. He said he didnít really remember exact dates, just general ideas, so I told him to check CC statements, google TL; he deleted all texts and emails from MOW, but I have the ones I recovered plus the ones OBS gave me to compare to
Dailystruggle611 I agree it sheds more light on the depths of the betrayals. I told WH yesterday that he was absolutely evil. He doesnít understand why Iíve regressed over this, when I already knew these details, he thinks exact dates shouldnít matter. But it matters to me.
Emergent8 I agree , I donít know exactly what I was doing on those dates either, except in the two instances I mentioned; but there are ways to figure it out, and thatís what I expected him to do. He now has exact dates for some, and has the others narrowed down to what week it was; that may have to be enough.
Hcsv I understand some not wanting to know; you have to do whatís right for you. Seeing all the texts, emails, pics, etc had already ruined the entirety of those 2 months for me; and I felt the need to know what my true reality was on those days. I guess itís kind of like the sex details...some BSís donít want to know any details some do. Iím in the camp that had to know EVERYTHING...every single dirty detail. WH was horrified with the questions I asked, and didnít want to tell me at first, but eventually understood why I needed to know. Iíve given OBS some details too; he didnít want to know everything, but had some very specific questions that only I would give him the answers to; MOW told him she would not give any details to him at all because it would be detrimental and counterproductive She just didnít want to admit what a whore she is

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