SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

The1stWife posted 5/14/2019 18:07 PM

The whole idea of “open marriage” as a suggestion in this thread is b/c it has been a one sided open marriage all along. Not the Cheater’ First Affair.

If he no longer cared and wants a D - an open M saves him the financial hit. And if the Cheating Wife is still working then he doesn’t have to provide very much.

Separate bedrooms, separate bank accounts, separate credit cards. They appear as a family at certain events if they have to. If not, they live under one roof but separate.

I know people who have done this. Everyone that acts like an adult benefits. If the CS is going to be less than discreet and an idiot then it won’t work.

But it should now be the BS’ rules - if the CS leaves or stays the dynamic has changed. If she wants to sue him for D let her. But the rules of the game changed - it’s a marriage of convenience. He doesn’t love her.

But he can certainly choose to avoid a financial loss. That is the focus of this. It’s for his own security.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:25 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)]

goalong posted 5/14/2019 18:39 PM

you have huge bargaining chip in her being afraid of exposure. I guess at this stage of life she is really afraid of being exposed to loved ones. In your dealings with her you can use this for a deal favorable to you whether you R or D.

[This message edited by goalong at 7:29 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)]

LivingWithPain posted 5/15/2019 14:45 PM

If you are a handsome man and a ladykiller then an open marriage might work. Maybe.

But more often then not an open marriage benefits the woman and not the man. Even if your WW is in her 60s she will still pull in five times the number of sex partners as you would, merely because she possesses a vagina. You will be munching fritos on the couch and watching Jeopardy, while she gets dolled up three nights a week to go out and fuck some strange.

Offering an open marriage to a serial cheater like your WW is like dropping a junkie into the back room of a pharmacy.

Go see three lawyers and get free consults. Find out from them what to expect and then make your decisions based off good data.

ZMarley posted 5/15/2019 15:08 PM

She’s used the “roofie” defense several times but then quickly changes the subject when I bring up the cops.

Yep the guy that gave her the roofie knew exactly what size fishnet stockings to buy......smh

WilliamM posted 5/15/2019 15:24 PM

She texted me from work and said “If that is me in the picture then someone committed a crime against me so you shouldn’t make me feel that your disgusted by me”.

So I replied “Ok, then we’ll go to the police and have them investigate”.

Long pause....then her reply “so you’re saying that I disgust you?”

Wow. I would say, "So you are focusing on the fact that I am disgusted and not on the fact that you are spread eagle on a bed for another man?" She is more worry about that than you and how this has affected you. This is sadly, a divorce situation. Maybe once you file she will wake up and see the error of her ways. But it may be too late.

pureheartkit posted 5/16/2019 19:02 PM

If you were my dad, I'd find a new place where we could live comfortably together. Your WW could figure out her own path. Maybe move by a lake if that's what you loved.

I'm so sorry. My d day involved a bondage photo and at first I couldn't believe it was real either. Don't accept any lies. She may be all over the place with wild words and threats.

Find some quiet away in the day and think of a way to live comfortably and in peace. I agree that your life shouldn't be unhappy from now on. You have lived with a N and that's never easy. Time for you, your happiness, your priorities.

Moongazer posted 6/3/2019 20:49 PM

So...for the past weeks we have gone back and forth on her story. She swears with great conviction that she had no conscience part in the activities pictured. She has volunteered to take a lie detector test and sodium pentathol to show she is not lying. We have seen a councilor and are scheduled to file a sexual assault report and hand the picture to the police to investigate. She thinks she was drugged by untrustworthy friends or coworkers and taken advantage of while I was away for work or whatever. At this point, I have no reason to rush to divorce, which will destroy many, including my grown kids and grandkids. Plus put me in the poor house at 61. So I am trying to get to a conclusion on this crap, good or bad. Some days are worse than others. My yoga, golf and brandy are getting me by. Hopefully the cops will get me some answers. Truth, whatever it is, will set me free, one way or another.

Marz posted 6/3/2019 21:05 PM

Bud, she'll swear on anything At this time. Not uncommon at all

AbRamK posted 6/3/2019 21:16 PM

Go a head with lie detector test and police report. And take care of your health.

ShutterHappy posted 6/4/2019 01:36 AM

She is gaslighting you.

At a minimum, you should do the 180. Don’t answer her text, sleep in a separate room, don’t engage her.

Refuse to play her game. Just tell her you’re not interested in talking to her.

If you manage to detach from her, it will be easier to take the best decision for yourself. Also seek support from friends and family. Tell your children everything. I suspect that they will support and help you more than you think.

The1stWife posted 6/4/2019 04:08 AM

You can choose to believe her. No one will hold it against you.

But in reality IF she was drugged she would have told you about it when it happened. Most people would do that.

Now you can confront her with that fact and she will tell you she didn’t know she was drugged b/c she had a few drinks blah blah blah.

But please know that her behavior is typical cheater behavior right from the “cheater’s manual”. Deny, cry, threaten suicide etc. she has done a great job of getting you to back down and to accept her story.

You can choose to forgive and reconcile with her. But it is better if it is done with honesty (from her).

nekonamida posted 6/4/2019 06:15 AM

Take her up on the polygraph. File the police report. Just be prepared for the truth to come out.

Western posted 6/4/2019 06:39 AM

My only concern is that she has cheated on you twice before.

If you really believe this was sexual assault, then file. if you think she's lying through her teeth, then you may be victimizing someone else by a falsified criminal complaint, although the person who is targeted is really a shitbag for having relations with a married woman.

I am glad you came back to update us. Please keep doing so.

I understand your not being in a hurry to decide because of the potential loss you will incur. Just keep protecting yourself the best you can

Robert22205https posted 6/4/2019 08:47 AM

It is her. Same moles, scars, etc. etc. I believe the pic to be 3 to 5 years old. I believe one of her former coworkers took it, in his camper in which they arranged to meet and screw. I believe someone who obviously hates her and works with the man, found the photo and put it on Twitter for me to see.

My guess would be it's a woman that hates her. Maybe you can think of who that is? A girlfriend of the OM?

What do you hope to accomplish by gathering more evidence? She's obviously desperate to avoid exposure nor does she want a divorce. Your wife will either confess before the polygraph or argue the test results are not accurate.

I suggest you consider a formal and official confrontation. Serve her with divorce papers and disappear for a few days (go dark) - when you return inform her that it's time to stop lying - and work to save the marriage or not.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 8:48 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)]

beenthereinco posted 6/4/2019 10:01 AM

What a mess. I'm sorry. Your options here are that either your wife is telling the truth and someone drugged and assaulted her or she is lying and is going to accuse someone of a crime that they didn't commit. I feel for you.

It is hard here to say that she is lying but it just feels so strange to think that she was drugged. What has she said about any circumstance around when this could have happened? Is there some gap of time that she can't explain? Like I have to believe that she would know when this occurred and how she got into the lead up to being drugged. Does she admit to that or does she say the entire thing from start to finish is not known to her?

bounceback67 posted 6/10/2019 10:00 AM

How's it going Moongazer ???

Moongazer posted 6/12/2019 20:06 PM

So last week Thursday, upon my urging, my wife called the Sheriffs dept to inquire about filing a report alleging sexual assault. I then talked to the Sheriff myself after he emailed her about her inquiry. She copied me on her email and his responses. The Sheriff and I had a very candid discussion, after which he indicated that as the potential victim, my wife would need to file the official report.

Today my wife and I went to the Sheriffs department and filed an official report. They will begin the investigation ASAP.

At this point I finally feel she is telling the truth. She is not the type of person to lie to law enforcement, nor does she stand to benefit in any way if she does so. The truth will come out either way (if she cheated on me), but me divorcing her is far less painful than divorce and jail time.

I am hopeful that law enforcement can find additional info on who 1. took (perpetrator) and 2. posted the picture, so we can try to get past this. The saga is not over by any means, but at least I feel a little better after these recent developments.

I’ll keep you posted.

Stevesn posted 6/13/2019 05:16 AM

I wish you strength and good luck no matter where this leads.

Cooley2here posted 6/13/2019 07:00 AM

This has been puzzling me. Why was she in that clothing and wearing a wig? It seems to me that if someone drugged her they would strip her and take a picture of her naked. I have no information about kinky sex but this picture sounds like role playing, alcohol, she passed out, or willingly posed. I hope I am wrong.

HellFire posted 6/13/2019 09:35 AM

If my husband showed me a picture of me,dressed and posed like that, I wouldn't be angry with him. I would be confused and scared. I wouldn't threaten suicide if he kept asking. I would be terrified that there was a picture of me, that I knew I never posed for.

You should have had her take the polygraph before going to the police. I work with rape victims. And I hate to say it, but some women do lie to the police about things like this. It infuriates me,because their lies make it harder for real victims to come forward.

I strongly suggest you follow through with the polygraph.