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A long road

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Moongazer posted 5/12/2019 10:52 AM

Two days before my 61st birthday, a nude picture appeared on a twitter post I had commented on. At first I ignored it, thinking it was just some idiot looking for attention, but then a few hours later I looked at it. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, a women who looked just like my wife dressed only in fishnets a cammy and wig, spread eagle on a bed. I quickly saved the pic to my iPad, but in my state, forgot to even read the post or save the text. Twitter mods quickly deleted the post.
Over the next few days I did my best to talk myself out of what I was seeing but finally, as I sat in the dark my guts churning. I woke my wife and showed her the picture. Her first words..”that’s not my hair”. Then when confronted she quickly turned emotional and angry, saying she would never do “that”, or maybe someone must have roofied her. In the morning she yelled and cursed and almost crashed the car as she went to work. Later, she texted that suicide wasn’t something she would do, but my continued questioning was pushing her there. I backed down, and over the next month went back and forth in my skepticism of her denial. She thought I forgot about it.
I decided to look at the photo more closely (magnifying glass and digital photo analysis) for details that proved it wasn’t her.
It is her. Same moles, scars, etc. etc. I believe the pic to be 3 to 5 years old. I believe one of her former coworkers took it, in his camper in which they arranged to meet and screw. I believe someone who obviously hates her and works with the man, found the photo and put it on Twitter for me to see.
So here I sit, a retired husband, father and grandfather living in a beautiful lake home that I love and my family centers their lives around, trying to decide if I should try to salvage my remaining years with her, or divorce her, disrupt my family community and lose it all. It’s a terrible dilemma that I would wish on no one.

Chrysalis123 posted 5/12/2019 11:22 AM

Welcome Moongazer. You found the best place you never hoped to find. Lots of experience, wisdom, and hope to survive infidelity.

I'm not sure how long ago was your 61st bday, just know it takes a long time to heal from infidelity. Coming here for support is a good move.
Self care is very important. Eat, drink (don't overdo the booze), sleep, exercise, even when you feel depressed.

Many people use a counselor to help them navigate the feelings and decisions.

We have a healing library over on the left. Pull up a chair and start reading and learning.

Your wife is manipulative. The suicide statement was intended to get you to back off and it worked. Extremely aggressive and bully behavior. Is this behavior new or has she always been manipulative? If there is a next time she threatens suicide call 911. She needs to know she cannot bully you like that, and if she is really serious she needs to be evaluated anyway.

Your wife is trying to control the narrative and control what you know. That is in her best interest, not yours. She is not thinking about being your friend at this moment.

Therefore, do not share this site with her, nor any of your investigation techniques. Your goal is to find the truth.

She risked your health unknown to you. ASAP get STD screening and demand she go as well. No sex with her until you both have proof you are healthy.

More people will reply to you soon.

I'm sorry she did this to you and the family.

fareast posted 5/12/2019 11:28 AM

Sorry you find yourself here Moongazer, but you will receive support. As a newly minted 70 year old I have a pretty good idea of how you feel. Are you sure your WW’s infidelity has ended? Please get checked for std’s. Read in the healing library on this page. Do you know who the OM is? If he is M expose him to his OBS. Most importantly take care of yourself. Eat healthy, exercise, and get the best sleep you can.

Your WW is not remorseful. She needs to give you the complete truth. Read and implement a hard 180. Stop doing things for good her. Live your life. No chit chat. You do not have to be mean and nasty, just limit contact. This is not to punish her, but give you space to get your mind right. See a lawyer to learn your rights.

There is no need for any decisions right now. You are taking control of the situation. Time is your ally. If your WW wants to stay in the M she needs to give you transparency and honesty at a minimum. She needs to stop being in denial. Check out IC for you to help you cope. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 11:30 AM, May 12th (Sunday)]

ChamomileTea posted 5/12/2019 11:34 AM

Sorry you had to join us. It's a bit quiet around here on the weekends, so don't be discouraged.

In terms of making decisions though, how can you make choices for your future if you don't know all the facts? You saw that picture. You verified that it was indeed your wife. This is information you can't un-see. It exists, but not in context. Your mind will most likely continue trying to provide that context. I think if you get the rest of the information, it might inform your decision as to what you really want and what the next phase of your life should look like.

Also, if your worst case scenario is getting a divorce, maybe explore those feelings a bit? In the Separation/Divorce section, there's a thread called Fear vs. Reality. Many people have found that their fears were unfounded. Not saying whether you should R or D, but sometimes defusing anxiety can empower the decision-making process.

Strength to you.

goalong posted 5/12/2019 12:19 PM

do not know what the relationship between you and how dependent you two on each other. But hope you take a stand and get the details and let the POS and his loved ones know as a condition of any reconciliation

BBBD posted 5/12/2019 12:55 PM

Your WW is trying to rugsweep and threaten you with suicide (ie she wants to be the victim).
Here’s what you need to do. Contact an attorney. Know your rights. Grab his/her business card (as proof that you’re serious)
Sit your wife down and tell her to come up with a detailed timeline.
Then double up with a Polygraph.

Good luck.

Marz posted 5/12/2019 13:06 PM

Sounds like you have just 2 choices.

Stay and accept it, I suspect you only know "the tip of the iceberg".

Divorce her but that usually reduces the living standard for both parties unless you're wealthy enough to overcome it.

At this time she isn't R material and it sounds like she's used to getting her way.

Marriagesucks posted 5/12/2019 13:45 PM

Later, she texted that suicide wasn’t something she would do, but my continued questioning was pushing her there.
I agree with the others that you are being manipulated to back down. One HELL of a way to be forced to celebrate the golden years.

I also agree on doing a hard 180. You need to be able to gather your thoughts on how you want to handle the situation. Keep this place private because you will receive invaluable information that you will not want to get into your WW hands. There have been many men your age and older... sometimes finding out years later about their wives treacherous activities.

The1stWife posted 5/12/2019 13:51 PM

I’m sorry. It hurts like hell to find out the information the way you did. Someone posted that intentionally. Maybe the poster knows much more about what is/was going on and is trying to let you know your wife is not who you think she is.

You’ve gotten good advice from others here.

I can only say doing nothing is a mistake. It is what the cheater wants so there are no consequences to their actions. If you do nothing it may allow the infidelity to continue. It may not be happening now but could be easily resumed in the future.

Again sorry for you.

nekonamida posted 5/12/2019 14:46 PM

Sounds like you have just 2 choices.

Stay and accept it, I suspect you only know "the tip of the iceberg".

Divorce her but that usually reduces the living standard for both parties unless you're wealthy enough to overcome it.

Agreed. Unfortunately your WW is not giving you any other options. She's not willing to even entertain the idea that she cheated even though you're holding photographic proof that she did. It's unlikely that she's going to turn around and start owning up to her cheating if you keep pushing with the stunt she pulled.

If she ever threatens suicide again, call 911 and have professionals evaluate her and give her the help that she needs. If she's trying to manipulate you, she'll never do it again and if being confronted with her cheating does push her towards suicide, they can give her the help that she needs.

Triggers posted 5/12/2019 15:56 PM

Wealth means nothing. Your lakefront home is nothing. You and I are at the age where we can see the end looming quickly, and living in utter MISERY will destroy us.

Follow other's advice here! She needs to come clean to everyone quickly now.

You need to take your mind off of wealth accumulated in your lifetime. If divorce happens rent a nice apartment to the end of your your days. Use proceeds of the lake front property to get a monthly annuity and just forget about wealth.

All we need is food, a roof, and healthy children. If you have a chance before you croak buy your kids a new car.

rugswept posted 5/12/2019 16:32 PM

your WW is severely broken. anyone who ends up with the fishnets, spread eagle and the wig needs serious counseling. the wig indicates she was well aware of the picture situation and tried to make sure no one would think it was her. the marks and scars, etc. tell you all you need to know.

there is a lot more here than what's in that pic. believe it. anyone who ended up there was probably leading a double life. it's as bad as you can possibly imagine. she was into debauchery of some kind. some dark inner self was there, hidden.

the alter image of the happy home, happy family, successful, etc. contrasts so sharply with the reality of who she was and what she did that her threats of suicide, out of shame, might actually be real. she cannot face the idea that everyone in her circle will find out about the "other person" she was.

this is a really bad thing to happen at your age. it will be very difficult to sort out.
be careful. you may want to consult with a psychologist to get advice on how to proceed.

what you can't do is to pretend this isn't all there. it will destroy you over time. intense counseling is necessary and, perhaps, just a marriage of convenience with co-existence.

this case is somewhat beyond the usual on this site.

Unbroken78 posted 5/12/2019 17:41 PM

Every man has to make a choice and draw the line at what he is willing to accept or reject.

Where is your line?

Flat out. In one sentence, with no ambiguity, where is your No More.

Best course of action is to go get formal divorce papers drawn up. Have her served publicly.

Notify friends and family.

Watch her reaction to this and you can decide.

You know what you know. Draw your line and do what must be done for your sanity. Don't turn her crappy life choices into your future.

Moongazer posted 5/12/2019 18:59 PM

Thank you all for your suggestions and comments. Believe me, everything you all brought up, has already gone thru my mind.

She is a narcissistic controller, who has never admitted guilt or said she was sorry in the 40 years we’ve been together. I’m too nice and would rather hug out problems then confront her into change. She cheated on me twice, 30 years ago and to save our marriage and my kids stability, I forgave her. Since then I’ve suspected she’s been unfaithful, but before the recent picture, I’ve had no proof.

I can’t ever un-see that picture and I’m now fully aware of her depravity. God only knows what else she’s done. At this point I don’t even care. I truly despise her.

To get by in the short term, I am currently being my old self, she is such a narcissist she literally believes I’ve forgotten
about this. Her level of self centered denial is incredible. I plan to visit an attorney to see what my future looks like, if I divorce her, but I live in a 50/50 state so if we divorced, we’d have to sell the house, split my pension and assets equally, basically forcing me to live in some low rent apartment and probably un-retire to pay bills.

Is continuing a sham marriage with this person preferable to living without her in financial distress? What happens to my family if we divorce? They suspect nothing.

God I hate her for what she’s done.

Marz posted 5/12/2019 19:33 PM

She cheated on me twice

Sorry man but you probably only know the "tip of the iceberg".

You are also correct. The financial impact now at your age maybe to devastating.

Which means you maybe better off just to live with it. As shitty as that sounds.

She's not R material and probably never was.

You seem to see this a lot. Forgive quick, jump into what you think is Reconcilliation but never was. She probably just learned to hide it better.

fareast posted 5/12/2019 19:46 PM

I tend to agree with Marz, and especially given the perspective of my age, the financial impact may be devastating. After being with her for forty years why should you now have to live in poverty and give up half of your hard earned pension because of her terrible choices. But can you stomach being around her? Please get into IC to help you. Also do see an attorney to see exactly how a D might look financially. You are in a tough spot.

[This message edited by fareast at 11:06 PM, May 12th (Sunday)]

Tallgirl posted 5/12/2019 20:18 PM

I am so sorry you are here Moongazer. What a shitty situation. Your wife’s behaviour is revolting. You need to take care of yourself. Do what is best for you whatever that is.

Moongazer posted 5/12/2019 21:54 PM

Fareast nailed my dilemma. There is truly no good result. Either I divorce her and ruin my retirement that I worked 40 years for and break my children and grandchildren’s hearts, or I let her off the hook again and finish my days with an evil woman that I can never trust or forgive.

I believe I’ll start by contacting an IC to confide in. I have no one else to talk to. This forum helps though. I truly appreciate everyone’s help.

paboy posted 5/12/2019 23:27 PM

yes its down to the two choices. If your goal is to get out of infidelity, than your choice is more obvious.

Making correct choices, leads to a better chance of being happy. Being happy is what we strive to achieve. Happiness is developed with trust, love, care, respect...

hadji posted 5/12/2019 23:58 PM

Wow...Your first mistake was forgiving her after her first affair. Now it's too late. But honestly, if you knew she had been cheating all this time, what difference does it make now that you have proof?

She is a vile woman. She probably will not give a damn about you, when you divorce her. But she will definitely be worried about her image given her NPD. NPDs are all about being "holier than thou".

If you aren't going to divorce her, at least expose her to all your family and everyone she cares about. If you aren't doing that, she will pretty much get away with everything she has put you through.

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