BW here. And FYI, if you do not want BS (betrayed spouses) to post on this thread, post an ask for a mod (just title it mod, please) and they can ADD a stop sign to prohibit BS from posting.
I don't know when your dday (Discovery date) is, but I'm gonna assume it's relatively recently.
First, welcome to the best "club" that no one wants to join. If you haven't already done so, buy and read (and reread) How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's pretty much a pro forma first step here on SI.
There will be other WW (Wayward Wives) and WH (Wayward Husbands) posting, but the weekends can be pretty slow on SI, so don't take a delay to your post personally.
There are several comments on your OP that would say to me you don't really understand the "devastation" of an A. Some can argue that it's different for men (ie more about the sex) than women, but I personally don't buy it and honestly don't think it matters much.
But some of the stuff he wants to go over can't be healthy or good for him
Unfortunately, you no longer get to decide what is or is not "healthy or good" for your BH. You gave that up when you chose to have an A. If he asks for details, you must answer fully and honestly. (rule #1 is NO MORE LIES OF ANY KIND AT ANY TIME EVER). Many suggest doing two complete timelines - one with and one without the sex details. Your BH is a grown man and he gets to decide what he wants to know - you need to completely get over yourself and desire to control here.
I had no idea his self worth was tied so much to me.
That's a pretty arrogant thing to say about a man you have devastated by your choices. His self worth isn't "tied" to you... it was tied to your being HONEST with him and tied to you not f*cking someone else.
I don't know how to tell him to leave it in the past.
Hopefully, you will very quickly learn that this is one of the WORST things you can think about or say to your BH. He did NOT ask for this. No one wants to discover the horror that their "love" is capable of such harmful choices. It is in your best interest to realize - sooner vs later - that he may never be able to "leave it in the past".
Many BS experience PTSD from the discovery of their WS' affair. It is not uncommon (google it and PISD for post infidelity stress disorder). Even without PTSD, most (if not all) BS experience "mind movies" that relive the sex in their minds (similar to a PTSD flashback, but with the traumatic experience the imagined sex, flirting, the lies, the deletion of texts etc). It's like a reel of the play-by-play that you cannot turn off, no matter how hard you try.
Many BS also experience "triggers" that can come out of the clear blue and send them into a spiral - could be anger, sadness, etc. I once found myself crying in fetal position in the middle of a golf course during a banquet. I am not a "crier" by nature, but a highly educated professional with a nickname of "badass".
Click on the "healing library" in the upper left corner and start reading - you will soon discover what the "devastation" really means to the BS. One analogy that I think describes it pretty aptly is from a BW who told her WH it felt like "he held her down while he and his AP raped her". I still feel like that - a LOT. Having an affair takes away the agency (ability to make informed decisions) from the BS - just like rape.
Finally, many BS initially feel that the A was their "fault" or due to their failings. One theory is that they cannot imagine someone they love to be capable of harming them so completely, and they will blame themself or the AP (affair partner) before they can see the reality of the destruction caused by the one they love more than anything not only failing to "have their back" but actively harming them.
Of course, take all of this with the proverbial "grain of salt". I don't say this to be spiteful, but you have a lot to learn. The good news is you came to a great place to do it, if you are willing to do some hard work.
The general guideline is 2-5 YEARS to recover from an affair - whether or not the parties divorce. Everyone always thinks that's crazy and they will heal, recover and reconcile faster than that. I think it's accurate and many on SI still experience the fallout of the trauma for years and decades later. It is a permanently damaging action - a hurt that never really goes away.
The healing process itself is a very hard road - but it can lead to greater self awareness and joy, etc. It may - or may not - lead to a continued marriage with the BS.
So
Buckle up - you are in for a long and rough ride.
Godspeed.
[This message edited by gmc94 at 6:47 PM, May 11th, 2019 (Saturday)]