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Twice bitten.... what now?

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Sayonara21 posted 5/10/2019 18:57 PM

So I just recently stumbled onto my wife's recent infidelity. I say recent because it has happened once before. But I chalked it up to very extenuating circumstances (involving the FBI, my step-daughter and my step-son's father). At any rate, she promised me it would never happen again.Things were great, but I started to notice and get the same feeling from last time that something wasn't quite right. Checked her messages on her phone and found a laundry list of infidelity between her and some guy named "Josh". Confronted her about it and she denied it all. Brought the evidence to her attention and I've never seen such a look of panic. She immediately cut all ties and deleted everything with this guy and has been pleasant and attentive since. I don't know what I should do. No explanation. Still reverting to it "not being like that". I don't know if I can trust her anymore....what am I supposed to do now?

traicionada posted 5/10/2019 19:01 PM

What do you want to do?

Sayonara21 posted 5/10/2019 19:06 PM

Obviously I love her. We have a child together. He just turned 2 last week. But, at the same time I don't want to be a doormat. This now makes multiple times that something like this has happened. I don't deserve that. No one does. But I also don't want to throw it all away. I'm at a crossroads of wanting to stay and needing to leave. There is clearly a pattern now. And patterns tend to repeat.

hard_yards posted 5/10/2019 19:09 PM

I'm so sorry you find yourself here, really I am.

I'm a twice bitten too, twice that I know of there could be others in all reality.

Look, you know what you know, I heard denial too, with the phrase "you've got the wrong end of the stick" countless times. It does such a a job on you, knowing the person you should be able to trust above all others is standing there, in front of you, lying.

Take some time to think what you want going forward, there's no hurry, R or D, the future is entirely up to you.

Go up the page to the Healing Library, it's in the yellow box, top left hand corner of the page, and read, read, read. Especially the "180", it's designed to help the BS through this nightmare and make you stronger, better able to make decisions for your benefit.

Please remember through all this and whatever is to come, it's not your fault, not one iota, this is 100% on her.

As I said, you know what you know, her denial and wanting to rug sweep only makes an impossible situation worse. It won't hurt to tell her that.

Take care of yourself, make sure you stay hydrated (not alcohol), try and eat, and sleep. You will be in shock, you need to exercise some self-care.

Keep posting, it really helps, and you now have 70,000 new friends who care about you.

GoldenR posted 5/10/2019 19:09 PM

Demand a polygraph. You can't R when you don't know what you're R-ing from?

If she balks, you know it's bad.

She's a serial cheater. Expect more.

Marz posted 5/10/2019 19:13 PM

Checked her messages on her phone and found a laundry list of infidelity between her and some guy named "Josh". Confronted her about it and she denied it all. Brought the evidence to her attention and I've never seen such a look of panic.

Nothing special here. Typical cheaters lie and deny. Unless you have proof.

She immediately cut all ties and deleted everything with this guy and has been pleasant and attentive since.

But of course. She'll be in self preservation mode for the time being until you "get over it" like the last time.

No explanation. Still reverting to it "not being like that".

Bullshit translator: If I lie long enough it'll all go away. Then I can do as I please. I'll just hide it better next time.

I don't know if I can trust her anymore.

Seriously?
How many times does it take you getting bitten to figure her out?

[This message edited by Marz at 7:17 PM, May 10th (Friday)]

tmacfire posted 5/10/2019 19:14 PM

She has cheated twice?? You need to get an std test, dna test the baby and read up on the 180. You are with a serial cheater not a wife! Brother as nicely as i can say it, tell the other mans wife if there is one, her friends and family and blow her world up. You probably let her rugsweep the last time and here you are again. Tell her to sleep in another room, give you access to everything, and talk to a lawyer to see what your rights are in your state. Sorry you are here, but you need to man up, lower the boom and quit being a doormat for her. She needs to be doing serious counseling and kissing your ass to try to keep you, not you trying to save the marriage not you doing the work.

Buster123 posted 5/10/2019 19:22 PM

I'm sorry that you're here, you said it's a pattern so she's a serial cheater, get tested for STDs, EXPOSE her with all family, close friends and OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse) if any, contact a D attorney to know your legal options, I would just cut my losses now and run for the hills. It sounds that you don't even know who Josh is, tell her she's got 30 seconds to give you his info and a written timeline of the A, if she refuses, then she's still protecting him and doesn't give a rat's ass about your feelings, if she does she's still in the A, keep posting frequently, this is a crucial momento, do NOT rugsweep this.

BBBD posted 5/10/2019 21:17 PM

As someone who has a child under one, how do people have time for an affair? Iím done by 8pm, last thing on my mind is some one else.

Your wife is a habitual cheater. Actions make up a character, and then it leads to destiny.

I predict sheíll do it again, but will be better at hiding it.

The1stWife posted 5/10/2019 22:53 PM

She doesnít appear to be marriage material. Monogamy doesnít appear to be her strong suit.

If you want to stay married to her - you need to accept that.

She may not want to reconcile but I think she is fooling herself by not being real with you about her inability to stop cheating.

OrdinaryDude posted 5/11/2019 00:49 AM

DNA test your kid.

She is not special

She is not trustworthy.

You deserve better.

Mrhealed posted 5/11/2019 04:19 AM

Sayonara21,

It is the second time that you know, may be many more.

There is clearly a pattern now. And patterns tend to repeat.

You are absolutly rigth! There is also other parttern: she cheated once and you stated, she cheates again and you stay, why she wont cheat again??

IMO, to sabe your marriage you need to be willing a o lose it.

She needs to come clean and It be verifyed by a polograph (notice that its acuracy is questionable, but its rolle in this case if for her confesa) about this affair and other that could have tooke place.

OM indentity to expose to his wife, if any.

Friend that knew and enable must be gone.

If she doesnt comply divorce is the way. Notice that saying yiu Will do something and not enforcing Will send the wrong message.

There is many more things , but I believe you got the idea.

Sorry for my english, It is not my native lenguage.

Mrhealed posted 5/11/2019 04:19 AM

Duplicated post

[This message edited by Mrhealed at 4:41 AM, May 11th (Saturday)]

Tren0R201 posted 5/11/2019 05:14 AM

But I also don't want to throw it all away

But it's okay for her to keep "throwing it away"?

When is enough is enough, because you last tiome you didn't want to throw it away she just hooked up with another man.

You're a grown man, and so is she. You determine the outcome of your own future.

nekonamida posted 5/11/2019 06:38 AM

Sayonara, if your WW was honest about what happened, gave you access to her phone, and wanted to do the work of fixing this, you would have something to work with. But instead she wants you to believe her lies and take her word for it AGAIN that she won't keep cheating. Choosing to stay when she refuses to change is setting yourself up for another DDay.

Trdd posted 5/11/2019 13:39 PM

Reconciliation is at least possible, if you want it to be and if she will commit to really working for a real and true R.

You have not given us much information about the first time and what was done after that A. So that leads us to guess that no real work was done which is called rugsweeping here. Rugsweeping again will set your marriage up for failure.

How not to rugsweep? Go to the healing library and read up on the 180 and other tools. In short, you need to get yourself out of infidelity, hold her accountable to find out why she did this and fix it so she can become safe for you and the marriage (seriously work on her inner self, her boundaries and behaviors) and help you heal from the betrayal while she is doing the work on herself.

This is easy to write in a paragraph and also easy for her to say I will do it. But it is not easy to actually do it. It takes serious effort over a long time and lots introspection and commitment. Her actions need to show you she is willing, not just her words.

Many people here will tell you she has done this twice so she will never change. I don't agree with that. But, the likelihood of change does go down with habitual behavior. If you rugswept the first time then there is at least some hope that she will change if you do the 180 and hold her accountable.

I hope you get what you want, whether that is R or D, as you move forward.

hadji posted 5/11/2019 13:56 PM

But, at the same time I don't want to be a doormat.

So, don't be one. Staying does not make you a doormat. But being continually disrespected does. Reconcile if you can on your terms. You get to stay without feeling you are a doormat.

The1stWife posted 5/11/2019 14:34 PM

Sayonara. I am hoping my experience can help you.

In the late 90s my H had a 4 year EA. He denied it. He gaslit me. He refused to discuss it. It ended after I had an explosion 💥 of epic proportions and did not speak to him for two days.

But it was completely rug swept. Never ever discussed.

Five years he starts another EA - much younger OW. Sheís single. Drama drama drama. After admitting it to me 10 days later he wants a Divorce. Blindsided. Shattered. Never saw it coming. Heís got one foot out the door.

He says he wants to R. But does nothing. He has an attitude. Refuses to discuss it except for a few questions. Refuses counseling. I am doing the pick me dance (did not have the benefit of SI at this time).

Now itís 5 months later. He again demands a D. I agree b/c the marriage is not working. And I find out the real truth on that day when I called the OW. They had been continuing the affair the whole time I thought we were reconciling.

And I was done!

I looked my H in the eye and very calmly told him I was Divorcing him. Iím sorry it came to this but I had nothing left. I could no longer live with his infidelity and he was free to go and live with the OW or anyone else he chose to be with.

And I left the room. It was not a discussion.

I had my plan B in place. The six months of his Affair I hoarded money and had enough to live on for one year if he never gave me one penny until the D was final. I had my support team and a plan for everything. He on the other hand had no plan and no clue but not my problem.

That one action restored my power and self esteem. We managed to R but not without a lot of hard work and resistance on my part. He begged for another chance. So I made him sign a post nup for me to even consider reconciliation with him.

Itís been 5 years. We did R. We are very happy. But I can tell you he no longer sees me as a doormat. I stood up to him and refused to back down for once. And I continued to fight my way back to a place where I have power and control - because I was a doormat prior.

I honestly believe by allowing him to tug sweep the first EA he had the second mid life crisis EA 5 years ago. My biggest mistake. He knew I was a pushover.

But not anymore.

My point to you is that your wife (like most cheaters) will be selfish b/c they expect there are no hard consequences for them. Your spouse has cheated more than once. So now it may be time to do something different. Cheaters counting on the Betrayed spouse being a pushover b/c they believe there are no consequences and the BS is desperate enough to do anything to keep the marriage intact.

While my H believed after the first EA I was a doormat, he now knows he completely underestimated me. And I proved to him I was much stronger than he ever thought.

You need to restore your power in the marriage if you want to remain married AND be in a monogamous marriage.

I hope you can do it.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:42 PM, May 11th (Saturday)]

Freeme posted 5/11/2019 15:48 PM

But I chalked it up to very extenuating circumstances
First off you don't do what you did last time and sweep it under the rug. I'd start with a laundry list of things she needs to do to make you feel safe enough to consider staying in the marriage. Things like IC for her to figure out why she cheats. A time line of events, complete access to her email and text. No more TT out with the whole truth, you don't want to find out more in a month or two.
Your WW is now a serial cheater. To cheat after the devastation she caused you and the marriage the first time puts her in a risky category.
How long have you been married?
How long between the first time you caught her and the second time?
Is the OM married? Do they work together? How did they meet?

faithfulman posted 5/11/2019 16:43 PM

She immediately cut all ties and deleted everything with this guy and has been pleasant and attentive since.

- She immediately cut all ties with Josh - Or so she says - Good.
- She has been pleasant and attentive since - Good.
- She deleted everything - BAD!

You need to know if you can possibly forgive what she has done, and that means you need to know what she deleted from her phone, and what else she had deleted prior to your discovery.


She should have no password on her phone whatsoever. If she does, that is a problem. Get the software "Fonelab", which will undelete all kinds of texts, images, videos, cheater app messages etc. Don't use "Dr. Fone" it sucks.

There are versions of Fonelab for iPhone or Android.

Then get her phone, run it through Fonelab and find out what she has really been up to. I'll bet you won't be so ready to reconcile once you see what she has deleted.

If you still need further confirmation after that, then it is time for a polygraph. You should already have a detailed timeline from her.

Dude, if you are not willing to find out what she has really been doing so you can make an informed choice, then you should expect to be sharing your wife for as long as you are with her.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 4:46 PM, May 11th (Saturday)]

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