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maise posted 5/2/2019 19:38 PM

Today I felt completely down. I felt like I melted into the bed and not one single thing could make me happy. I feel like I’ve been grieving a lot lately. Occasionally angry, but mostly very hurt. I can’t help but to feel the heavy pain in my chest and cry. When it’s not there I’m numb. Right now it seems my days have gone back and forth between the two very often.

I wanted to have a good day, to get out, to take care of myself, my body, to feel happy...but I couldn’t find my happiness anywhere. Everything felt dull.

I must have tried to lean on every single vice today. I know it’s not good for me. I ate junk food, I wanted alcohol, sex, anything to get me out of that feeling. I hate it when I have days like this. I hate it when it’s hard to avoid the vices. I want to choose good for me on days like this. But I honestly don’t know how to pass the feelings.

layla1234 posted 5/2/2019 19:43 PM

It's been a down day for me too. R is hard. One day I feel so lucky in where we are and the next I'm just seeing all the warning signs that he really hasn't changed at all. Even though, he's really doing nothing wrong.

Smallwonders posted 5/2/2019 19:44 PM

((Maise)) I am so sorry you are having a rough day. Please do not be too hard on yourself. I understand vices and the need for good choices. But you posted and reached out that is a definite positive.

maise posted 5/2/2019 20:11 PM

Thank you both for your responses.

Layla1234,
Im so sorry you’re struggling also

SmallWonders,
Thank you so much for your words. I have actually found it pretty challenging to post on here when I’m having specifically hard days. I must have deleted this same entry three times before posting. I’m glad I did, it’s nice to have people to talk to.

[This message edited by maise at 9:20 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)]

The1stWife posted 5/2/2019 20:45 PM

It is hard to function when you are in that state. It is overwhelming to say the least.

I found exercise to be good to motivate me. Like a walk around the block or a good book with a cup of tea on an outdoor chair in my yard.

Try to drag yourself out of bed and get out. A change of scenery can do so much for you.

maise posted 5/2/2019 21:30 PM

The1stWife,

It is very very challenging. At times I actually have the exact thoughts that you suggested...I think to myself; “get up, get out and sit in a nice patio with some coffee or tea, or take a walk in nature it’ll help.” I find getting myself to actually do it being the hard part. I’m going to try really hard to make myself do it. Just pull myself up as hard as I can and shove myself outdoors. I know it sounds crazy how hard I’m making it sound but gosh I swear it’s so hard in those moments. It’s like I’m lifeless. But I have to. Only I can pull myself through.

limenavy posted 5/6/2019 06:57 AM

Is there someone you could talk to who would ask you how you're doing and if you're having a bad day and if you're doing good for yourself? I find for myself that just knowing someone who cares (and will ask for an honest answer but not hateful or judgy) is going to ask me is often enough for me to make a better choice, though not always. It seems to get a little easier each time I make a good decision even though bad days still throw me off. On those days, I acknowledge I'm having a really bad day, forgive myself, and move forward toward a better day. Hope you have a better day!

Wintergarden posted 5/6/2019 08:54 AM

I hate days like this too!!

I am currently staying with a friend who lives in paradise on the beach front. She has gone to work and I'm thinking how different I felt last year when I visited and was free of heart pain. (Of course that was his window to cheat whilst I was away, and he carried on cheating until I found out in January).

Usually I would do lots of yoga here,but my mat is left un-rolled. I feel no enthusiasm for anything.

I keep checking for messages. He is on my mind 24/7 first thing when I wake many times during the night and all day. We had always stayed in contact every day. I do try hard not to think about him, where he is or what he is doing, it doesn't seem to work.

I see couples together doing fun things looking happy. I hate that he has put me in this pain. He feels guilty but does nothing to ease it, that answers a million questions. Why do I want someone who has caused so much pain and continues to do so with everything he says to me. I so need to get that strength back before I go home as I know I need to start with D proceedings now to save my sanity.

I feel for every person who experiences this. There are many cruel and selfish people out there who don't understand the damage they inflict for life.

maise posted 5/26/2019 18:00 PM

Thank you Limenavy and wintergarden for taking the time to respond to me on this post. I am so sorry, I only just saw it today. I hope you are both well, cool names by the way! I almost mixed them lol (limegarden and winternavy)

Great suggestions limenavy, talking to loved ones that listen helps a lot! I do try this and when they aren’t available I’ll either tryyyyy to go outside or read or something. Sometimes it’s easier said than done, but it’s getting slightly better and better as time passes and I truly detach from the unhealthy connections I had with my WS. That’s been the most relieving part of it all.

Wintergarden, I can completely relate to your feelings. Even last night I had an experience with my WS where I saw the selfishness and lack of care, and complete manipulation of saying “whatever was needed to be said” to get what she wanted out of the moment instead of being authentically caring and sorry for the behavior. I also see movies and couples and it just breaks my heart because it’s yet another reminder that this truly is my reality now. My years with my wife are gone, she wasn’t the person i believed her to be, and she really did do this and really doesn’t care to this magnitude. I think what’s brought me the most peace is understanding the why’s and the “how could she’s” of it...it truly is more about her relationship with herself than it is about me, and that helps a lot. It hurts still, no doubt, but it helps me move forward with my healing. I hope you are well.