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everything's been ripped away from me

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SavoyTruffle posted 4/27/2019 18:54 PM

also I have been reading things around the site, he said that he wants to go to counseling together to heal from this. I told him i think it's a good idea for him to do some individual counseling first, for this and just in general for all the stresses in his life. and i encouraged him to talk about this with more people in his life as it might help... selfishly I'm hoping someone will talk some sense into him

I don't know why i can't stop thinking about his needs & pain, I feel compelled to do everything i can to convince him to stay although i worry this will just sabotage everything and push him even further. I'm so completely helpless, my entire world is wrapped up in him, our future was right there, it was so close, i go in waves of horrible emotional turmoil, I keep calling him and just wanting to talk more & more, i'm so hurt and i just want it to stop and be comforted, I don't know if i'll tell my friend tomorrow, we're supposed to meet for lunch and go over some catering options for the wedding, I guess i'll have to tell her at least that the wedding is on shaky ground right now

faithfulman posted 4/27/2019 18:58 PM

Savoy Truffle, right now your boyfriend is entirely to blame for this hurt.

Should you not call off the wedding and marry this degenerate, when he betrays you again in the future, and he will, you will have knowingly kept this man in your life.

Hg65 posted 4/27/2019 19:02 PM

Honey, he does not want to be married. He’s just too chicken shit to tell you the exact words...so he is telling you by fucking her STILL.

Ultimately you’ll do what you want to do but this guy is SCREAMING “please don’t pursue this.”

He will do it again.

Sorry..:(

Starzen posted 4/27/2019 19:37 PM

Savoy, honey, you only found out two days ago. I am so sorry you are going through this. You will be up and down in your feelings. Please try very hard to step out of yourself and look at things from an outside perspective. Leave your heart at the door and LOOK at these things:

she's slept over in his bed, OUR bed

that is not love for you.

he's my best friend

He isn't. Best friends care about each other and don't drive daggers into each others' hearts. This is not love for you.

all the lies he told me to cover it all up are so clear now

Keep them clear. Don't dismiss them. All the lies are not love for you.

he has not ended the affair.
This is not love for you.

i want to believe the best

I know you do, but it sounds like denial. This early on after D-day, I imagine you are in shock. Please really look at his actions. You deserve better, and he does not deserve your love.

he says he loves me and wants to be with me

His love for you includes having sex with another. Words are just that... words. It took me forever to realize that,,, way too long,,,after mountains of hurt,,, He has been deceiving you, you cannot trust words right now.

I want to be with him and forgive him and heal together

It's too early to decide this. Don't rush that decision, as it is coming from a place of hurt, shock, denial, and just wanting everything fixed asap. You cannot heal together when he is still with the other woman.

i am so attached to him

Of course you are, you've been together 13 years. Please give yourself space to really see what he has done, and recognize you deserve none of this.

I'm not ready to give up on us & i won't accept all our years together and future ending for this.

It is he who needs to be fighting for you, not vice versa.

I don't think the wedding is happening next month

Please do not marry him. There is no rush. Marriage will not cure the infidelity. It won't. Only he can fix himself. You can't fix him. (I speak from way too many years of experience trying).

I feel very worried for him

He is not worrying about you or your feelings when with another woman. He is not worrying that he just crushed your world to bits. Get really angry about that!

things are really raw right now

Of course they are, and know what you are feeling is normal under the circumstances. I want you to know you are not alone, and this site and these wonderful members will give you great advice, that, unfortunately, comes from years and years of experience in dealing with the same type of mess. Please read as much as you can. Try to view everything from "outside yourself" if you can. Take off the rose colored glasses you have for this man and really LOOK. If your best girl friend was going through this instead of you, what would you tell her? Wouldn't you be appalled and outraged that he could do this to her? Get appalled and outraged for yourself. You are the prize here. You are the faithful one. You are the caring one. Does he really deserve YOU?

Love yourself hard right now. I know it's difficult, but rise up. Find your anger, and tell yourself that you are NOT about to take this disrespect, this non-love, this betrayal, this manipulation, this disdain, this disregard, because you are so much more deserving than that, and he is below your class.

Sending hugs in what I know is a very difficult time.


BBBD posted 4/27/2019 19:37 PM

Read some of the stories here. Majority of them include the ‘pick me dance’ scenario. Don’t ask, beg, or plead. Walk away. Better yet, RUN.

minusone posted 4/27/2019 19:38 PM

The person you love doesn't exist anymore.....maybe he never did.

Sorry to be so blunt but exactly what do you love....his loyalty, his honesty, his commitment, his moral compass, his strength of character, his respect, his actions????

You are giving your loyalty to something that doesn't exist. Love by itself is never enough...there has to be other things, like respect and trust.

Remember (((SavoryTruffle))) you can't change him only your reaction to him.

Please make sure that you use the resources of this site and start to read... go to the Yellow box and the Healing Library and on the top of this forum... The Tactical Primer.

This is no way to start a new life. Marriage is the commitment of two people and has to be built on a strong foundation. He has destroyed that foundation.

Never ever settle for less than you deserve and you deserve much more than he is capable of giving you.

I wish you peace and strength and the wisdom to make a choice that will be true to your hopes and dreams.

Keep reading and keep posting.

Odonna posted 4/27/2019 19:44 PM

So, even after he told you, he is still dating and sleeping with her, last night and even tonight, even after he TOLD you about the affair? How does he defend this? What was his reason for telling you if he had not already concluded the affair was wrong? He tells you, yet continues to sleep with her while you are miles away?

This is how we see this. Can you? What does this tell you about the character of the man? What does this tell you about your potential future with him?

Yes, you love him. All your dreams for the future still include him. But will that future involve repeated infidelity? Even after you have kids? This site is chock full of people who gave a second chance and found out after years and several children who their spouses really were. Read on SI and you will see.

[This message edited by Odonna at 2:46 AM, April 28th (Sunday)]

toughtotrust posted 4/27/2019 19:59 PM

If I had to guess, this was not his first time, with another woman while in a LDR with you. I would go even further and say that he may have agreed to get married because he does have feeling for you and wants to stop sleeping around. Bad plan, bad idea and he realized he can't be faithful. This may be why he has been feeling guilty. When this happens 5 years from now and you are married and perhaps, have children, you are going to be alone in a foreign country with a lot of unwinding of a marriage, to deal with.

You don't deserve this, and he does not deserve you. It will hurt, but honestly, this is so much better than if your found out in 2 months....or 5 years.

Good luck!

SnowToArmPits posted 4/27/2019 20:14 PM

1) he has not ended the affair, they are still in contact, she is still staying over last night and tonight apparently. this hurts me very deeply. It's like a knife through my brain. I don't understand it, but i want to believe the best
2) we are in different countries which makes this more complicated.there's a complete loss of control, and i keep going over how helpless i am in all this, it's not like i can do anything besides try to talk to him
3) "Does he even want to stay together or is he giving non commital answers like "I don't know"?" he says he loves me and wants to be with me but at the same time is saying "i don't know" to a lot of things

1) He hasn't ended the affair A MONTH FROM YOUR WEDDING. And you want to marry this man?

2) You're not helpless OP... you're not thinking clearly, maybe understandable considering the shock to you. But listen, you've got all the power. Far from helpless: call off the wedding, put your relationship with this guy on hold. Powerless? Hell, no that's freezing him right out.

3) A month from your wedding and he's giving you non-committal answers. That's weasel, gutless-speak from him, here I'll translate: I'm too gutless to tell you, tell my parents, your parents, everyone that I'm not ready for marriage.

SavoyTruffle, you've been hit by a bus here, we get that and we feel for you. Do these 2 things: take your love goggles off and look at this guy again, it ain't pretty. And then, get some counselling to build up your sense of self and self-worth. Look up co-dependency and see if it applies in your case, if yes, think about what you might do about it.

heartbroken_kk posted 4/27/2019 20:21 PM

I'm so sorry you are here SavoyTruffle.

Here's the truth of what you have to deal with.

You, and only you, are responsible for healing your broken heart. Your mother can't do it, your fiance can't do it. Only you.

You are strong enough to get through this, provided, you truly put your best, complete best interests at the forefront. This means making choices that are in your best interest.

You cannot marry him. Absolutely not. Your heart breaks, you've been betrayed. This is someone you loved but you absolutely MUST let him go, get him out of your life. 100%. No trying to repair this. You can't. You don't have that power.

Do not become a puddle of codependent imagining he can become the man you thought he was. He can't. He can't become husband material. He can't be the person you thought you he was. He's not that person and he won't ever be.

You are worth more than this. So much more. Walk away.

40YOSL posted 4/27/2019 20:38 PM

I'm so sorry you are going through this!

i can't express how much i love this man

The person you love doesn't exist. This "man" has been nothing more than an actor playing a part and reading lines he knows will get a good response from you his audience. What you are in love with is the script!

He has shown you who he really is by his actions!
Please believe his actions, not his words.

If you think this is bad now, what do you think it would be like if you had children? Please don't do this to your future children!!

Step back, do the "180" and get some distance from this person. Then take a look at who and what you are dealing with.

NorCalLost posted 4/27/2019 21:12 PM

yesterday i was happily preparing for our lives together to begin. it's all gone


(((SavoyTruffle))) Let me just say that I am posting this reply BEFORE looking at everyone else's replies, so forgive me if I'm repeating anything you've already read. I just prefer to post my response and then see how it compares to others.

Please, please, please do not marry this man. If you do, you're setting yourself up for more heartache down the line.

Most of us on SI understand exactly how you feel. The loss of what you thought was your life, your future.

My husband left me over the phone. I had been working out of town, we were temporarily in a long-distance marriage. But things were getting ready to change for the better. I'd just finished all but one of my real estate courses, so that I could come home and stop traveling for work.

He told me over the phone one day that he hated the long distance thing, and that my 20-pound weight gain left him 'jaded,' and that he had just 'hit a wall.' He told me that I had to know that he'd been 'unhappy for a long time.' He left out the part about trying to pick up people on Facebook behind my back, and about how he'd given his number to another woman, and told her he was single, the day before he dumped me over the phone. He filed for divorce immediately, and it was final six months later. I haven't seen him in 13 months. I just never got to go back home.

A man who could cheat on you, under your nose, in your bed, a month before your wedding, is NOT the man you should be marrying.

Leaving this man will be the hardest thing you ever do, but it is so necessary under the circumstances, IMO. I wasted decades of my life and six years of marriage on a man who, it turns out, never really loved me. I can't get that time back.

I still cry all the time, and miss my best friend and life mate, but what helps me is to realize the person I love and miss didn't truly exist. The person you love doesn't exist either.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

Rustylife posted 4/27/2019 21:54 PM

I'm sorry Savoytruffle but his indecision says everything to me. Lots of betrayed partners come here in pain and don't want to believe that their partner could do something like this to them. You have no idea about the depth of lies you're going to uncover if you keep digging. You are not at fault here. Stress about marriage doesn't make anyone carry out such an open affair. He is being heartless and cruel to you. Please take some time for yourself. Stop calling him and ask your family to respect your privacy for a while.

You should read (brokenbride8)'s post in here. Similar situation to yours but they were not long distance. This most likely isn't his first affair. You will survive and you have the ability to move past it. Take care of yourself. The decision to stay with him or breakup can wait a while. It needs to be made from a position of strength. Regain your emotional footing.

Hickoryapple posted 4/27/2019 22:28 PM

I'm so sorry for you. If he wanted to fix things he would have cut contact, not continued to see her. How absolutely disgusting that he is still thinking this way. It seems to me that he is just proving to the both of you how much he can ( and will) get away with, while in a relationship with you. It's a very difficult thing to understand. But you cannot believe anything he tells you while he is willing to continue this behavior, knowing full well you are aware of it.

Sorry, but marrying him would only lead to more heartbreak for you. You need support getting through this. Your family is a good place to start.

Teresa1970 posted 4/28/2019 03:52 AM

Your supposed man is showing you no remorse at all. If fact, he is just a selfish b******
He’s just dropped this bombshell and is still in contact with OW!
Disgraceful. He should hang his head in shame.
As others have said, the man you loved exists no longer.
I’m so sorry for your pain. Sadly we’ve all been there - but things will get better over time.
At least you know before marrying the d***!

marji posted 4/28/2019 04:33 AM

I want to believe this is all a horrible mistake we can get through together, I'm not ready to give up on us & i won't accept all our years together and future ending for this.

Savoy Someone reading this who knew nothing of what your bf has done and is continuing to do would think you and he had been through some traumatic event together--maybe you had together made a serious mistake that now, together you could both get through---together. Maybe a poor investment; maybe an illegal act like bribing a government official. Maybe you and he had to together deal with a tragedy that was not in any way of your making but which caused great stress and strain to your relationship and so you had--to get through it together.

But that is not your situation. Your H did what he did, acted as he did, and continues to act as he does without your consent; without your knowledge but instead against what you hold dear. What he did was not something you and he get through together--it's something he would need to atone for for the rest of his life; what he did is something he has to do all he can to figure out; what he did, what he is doing is something that should now be motivating him to become a healthy person. He is not doing that.

Savoy, instead of marrying this man, I would suggest you find a very good IRL support group, and a very good IC. Do not marry. At least for now.

It's interesting that he confessed this to you before the wedding. Normally betrayers do not confess; they are usually discovered. It's often thought that those who do confess are a step above those morally speaking but your bf's confession so soon before the wedding strongly suggests he does not want to go through with the wedding.

And his continued relationship with her and his telling you that she is with him still, does not suggests but screams, alerts, warns--against your continuing in this relationship.

rugswept posted 4/28/2019 10:30 AM

Savoy, you're very hurt and still numb from the affair. seriously, this man, after confessing was with her again!

he's still with her, in the same bed, betraying you. knowing that you fully know and are torn apart from all this. and he's still with her?

how could it possibly be that this man wants a marriage if all of that is true? he's screaming i want my freedom and my GFs.

we want the best for you. your love for this man (who isn't who you thought he was) has you blinded and you cannot let go. those around you who love you are trying to support you in this situation. they're offering their support for you for they're concerned about you.

PLEASE: speak to your friend tomorrow about ALL this. she'll advise that you just can't go forward at this time with this man. there is just so much completely broken and wrong here.

we're sorry for you and wish you well. don't let your confusion at this time lead you into a bigger situation that will only be much much worse.

[This message edited by rugswept at 10:30 AM, April 28th (Sunday)]

Ginny posted 4/28/2019 10:47 AM

What would you tell any friend in this situation?

Probably exactly what everyone has been telling YOU.

Have compassion for yourself right now. Pull in your tribe to help you through this (doctor, parents, trusted friends, counselor, etc).

Don’t start wedded life with someone who is SHOWING you that he is not ready to be a married man.

You do NOT deserve to be in a triangle! The amount of disrespect he is showing you right now is unbelievable. You don’t need to sit around and wait while he “decides”! Forget that guy! He endanged you by sleeping with someone else countless times without letting you in on that fact. Enough said. He does NOT have your best interests at heart. If he doesn’t NOW, a month away from your wedding - WHEN will he?

Please. Put yourself first here. Have compassion for YOURSELF. Don’t let yourself be treated this way. Don’t do the “pick-me dance”. You are far too valuable for that.

[This message edited by Ginny at 10:49 AM, April 28th (Sunday)]

The1stWife posted 4/28/2019 12:59 PM

I’m sorry for your pain and anguish.

He is hoping you end it. Really - his actions are showingvyiu his hand.

He is still in contact w/ OW
He still is sleeping with her
He “doesn’t know what he wants”

All signs of he wants out of the relationship/ marriage with you except he is a coward and won’t say it.

Everyone who posted here pointed out the red flags 🚩 in this situation. Everyone agrees (which is unusual that a bunch of random strangers who are all Betrayed spouse will do that - what are the odds?)!

Oftencheatedon posted 4/28/2019 16:11 PM

I called off a big wedding after a long relationship- just over a month before the wedding. He married the OW (I had no clue he was cheating) two weeks later.

He’s now been married to her for 40 years. They are both miserable cheaters who have strayed many times. He stalked me for years. He’s now old, broken and pathetic.

I went on to have a fabulous international career and now have a wonderful non cheating husband who is15 years younger then my pathetic old ex and who adores me. I win.

Choose to win not lose. You can stop loving someone no matter how much you love them. It’s not easy or quick - but oh so worth it when you love an asshole.

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