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everything's been ripped away from me

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SavoyTruffle posted 4/26/2019 15:58 PM

I've removed the details of op to protect our privacy, i would rather not have this story posted on the internet anymore/forever if you can understand. I felt very alone & scared when i posted this, didn't want to tell any loved-ones yet, have since told my immediate family and one very close trusted friend, they are all supporting me

the wedding is postponed, speaking with my pastor this Sunday to let him know, thank you for listening & posting everyone. blessings

[This message edited by SavoyTruffle at 6:29 PM, May 3rd (Friday)]

FEEL posted 4/26/2019 16:50 PM

I am sorry for your situation. There is no good time for Dday. Having said that trying to find a silver lining, from an outsider perspective, I thinking finding out before the wedding is preferable than after. Finding out before hand gives YOU the option to do what you feel is best for you.

I would caution you from holding this in and not talking to someone about it. That is a lot to hold in.

Personally, I would call the wedding off at least for now while you figure out how to you want to move forward. It's quite possible you don't knwo everything there is not know about it. Imagine if you went forward with the wedding and then find out there is more afterwards?

If you go forward with it you are taking a BIG risk and things only become harder to unwind once your are married. I also say this so he FEELs and SEEs consequences to his actions. He needs to understand if boundaries are crossed there are consequences. If you go through with the weeding, he will see that his actions have no consequences. In addition, I would suggest you make it condition he tells his parents of what he did (and then have them call you to confirm he has told them). I say this in terms of ensuring there are consequences.

Good luck and I'm sure others will be along to comment.

inthedark99 posted 4/26/2019 16:55 PM

Sorry you’ve found yourself here SavoyTruffle. It is usually slow here on the weekends but the experienced voices of SI will be along. In the meantime, please read thru the healing library, then read thru it again.
Drink lots of water, eat, and stay away from alcohol.
Are you both in the same country right now?
How’d you find out?
Gently, cheaters rarely tell the truth. Prepare for that.
Keep posting here, you’ve been heard.

trustedg posted 4/26/2019 16:55 PM

First - so sorry you had to join this club but the members are very supportive.

if i told my family i'm almost certain the wedding would be off
The wedding is off. He ended it. He isn't marriage material. Tell his family and yours why the wedding is off.

Keep hydrated (water) and try to eat small meals if possible. See your doctor and tell them what is going on, believe me they have seen it before and may have experienced it themselves, and perhaps get something to help you sleep or an antidepressant if needed.

Next - get IC (Individual counseling), it really helps to have someone to talk too. If the first one you try does not seem a good fit try another.

You did nothing to deserve this, your X-finance made a conscious decision to cheat on you multiple times, he has issues. At least it didn't happen a month AFTER the wedding, at least now there is no messy divorce.

Cancel all the wedding stuff. I know it is hard but don't feel humiliated. He and his AP should feel humiliated, they are liars and cheats.

Rustylife posted 4/26/2019 16:56 PM

I'm so sorry that you are here. Telling that you guys would be friends is incredibly cruel. I'm sure you're better than some trash who sleeps with engaged men. Is this the first time he has cheated? Have you guys had boundary issues before this? Seeing as this is a long term LDR, there could be prior indiscretions. Ask him about it. Is this your first time staying together for an extended period?

Eat well. Keep yourself hydrated. You don't need to make a decision right away. Don't let him pull you towards a certain direction. His excuses are pathetic. Does he even want to stay together or is he giving non commital answers like "I don't know"? The choice is all yours. Taking care of yourself is the most important thing right now. Check out the healing library on this site. You'll be fine eventually.

Robert22205https posted 4/26/2019 17:21 PM

This is a major major trauma to you both mentally and physically. See your doctor immediately (an emergency clinic if necessary). Tell the doctor just what you posted. He will prescribe something to help you sleep and to smooth out the emotional roller coaster.

cocoplus5nuts posted 4/26/2019 17:30 PM

I am so sorry. Call off the wedding. Do not move overseas with this man. Take care of yourself. Talk to someone.

NeverHealed posted 4/26/2019 17:42 PM

Sorry,

If he confesses this one month before the wedding, he doesn't want the wedding to happen.

And you shouldn't, either.

OrdinaryDude posted 4/26/2019 17:51 PM

I have to agree with the others, seek help if you need it, call off the wedding (permanently), out him to both of your families, let him cover the expenses left from wedding prep.

To paraphrase a comment from another thread, and certainly not to make light of it, but I recommend that you run, run like your ass is on fire.

You deserve so much better than this, and he does not deserve a second chance.

Sunshine184 posted 4/26/2019 18:27 PM

Oh dear Savoy. My heart breaks for you. This should be the most exciting, yet exhausting, build-up to a marriage. You have obviously been working very hard to get things in place. Your heart comes from a good place in doing so much to set yourselves up for a forever future - be proud of yourself for this sincere & seriously hard planning.
Now for your 2x4:
Cancel the wedding (or postpone it if this seems like too drastic a step considering the timeline to the wedding you are in).

No money invested in this wedding is worth the future pain you are GUARANTEED to find yourself in. You are going to find out more; this is definite.

Inform his family and your family.

Inform his place of work. It is not acceptable in any workplace and his HR dept and/or manager must be informed.

You need a friend or family member you trust to be your shoulder to lean on. You are traumatized. If this is not possible try to get into IC (individual counseling) which, if not available immediately for in-person, can be found online as well. IC is important regardless.

If you cannot sleep, you can get a prescription for a simple sleep aid (very small dose) that will guarantee you 4-6 hrs - you need to allow your mind and body to rest.

Get STD tested!!!

Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate - we have witnessed members hospitalized- please drink water ( I hydrated and manged a bit of rice each day until I became stronger mentally/emotionally.
If you can manage to eat, please do so - smoothies are often a good option as you can blend just about anything that covers the important stuff 😊

PLEASE - all the things you have planned or put into motion - they are meaningless. Please take this advice from all of us who have learned.
A healthy marriage does not begin this way.
What he has done cannot be undone.
The fact that he says ‘you would have just been friends’ is insulting. Dig deep and find your indignation. You don’t deserve this opinion of your relationship.
He is not worthy of you - you never knew the ‘real’ him. We have all been through this. He has a long road of self discovery ahead and that is his road. He may never find it and it’s not on you to help him discover it.

Keep posting - our responses come from a place of caring BUT take what you need from them and let go of what won’t work for you. Everyone is unique in this journey.

Do you meditate, do yoga or gym/jog/exercise? This is helpful. I found strength in the sunrise - if you’re awake early anyway, make some tea/coffee/glass of water and feel the warmth each morning. Tell yourself something positive to start the day (I told myself I couldn’t control what has happened but I would try very hard to be strong for the day and be kind to myself).

BIG (((HUGS)))

IslandGirl4418 posted 4/26/2019 18:29 PM

It still amazes me how cruel people can be sometimes. Do not marry this man. Sounds like he is purposely sabotaging the wedding. Tell your parents and friends, you will need their help and support. I am so very sorry for you. This is a very low blow.

Lp0725 posted 4/26/2019 20:40 PM

I am so sorry for what you're going through. What he did to you is disgusting. I know this is awful, but it's still less awful than finding out after you two were married already and you had completely uprooted your life for him. Tell everyone what happened and cancel the wedding ASAP. You're still in shock at this point, so you will need help from close family and friends with letting everyone know that it's called off. I know you're reeling with pain right now, but please know that you WILL get through this. Please take care of yourself.


SnowToArmPits posted 4/27/2019 03:52 AM

Lean on your best friends and close family to help you deal with this. CALL OFF THE WEDDING.

Consider informing your boss, too, of the crap storm you've just landed in. Your work performance could suffer for a while, might be best if your employer knows.

As NeverHealed posted earlier, if your fiance confesses this a month before the wedding, he doesn't want to be married. What other conclusion is there for his actions?

Your fiance is a heel. Sorry to say it, but he is.

Life just knocked you down. A bad blow, too. Don't stay down for long, get on your feet and deal with this. Courage.

heartbroken954 posted 4/27/2019 05:16 AM

Dear Savoy Truffle. My heart aches for you. To find out on the eve of your wedding after more than a decade together. . . I am so sorry for what must be excruciatingly painful and sad. I also understand why you would feel humiliated, but please resist that if you can. Loving someone is nothing to be ashamed of. I know you are in an impossible situation. Ending it now has to seem unbearably sad and scary. Going forward must seem much the same. That said, you can take solace in the facts that you found out before. Before you’re legally bound to him. Before you had children with him. Believe that you will heal and be okay. Find someone to talk to. I, personally, am not one for telling everyone and anyone. But some people do and find getting it out in the open helpful. Just creates more stress for me. I would highly recommend IC though to help you sort through your feelings and figure out what you want. I’ll be thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way.

The1stWife posted 4/27/2019 06:33 AM

Wow is he a jerk.

What a trauma you are suffering. In addition to others - I suggest you immediately find a good counselor or therapist to support you.

And I would not go through with the wedding. Believe it or not he is showing you and portraying to you he doesn’t either. It is clear from his actions he does not want to get married. He was a coward to have known this all this time and not tell you sooner or tell you when it began.

His actions are what you need to focus on. Not his words.

I’m really sorry 😐

doneX10 posted 4/27/2019 08:55 AM

Oh, SavoyTruffle, I am so sorry you are being hurt like this. His remark that if you met her you could be friends made me laugh out loud - I've gotten the same line myself.

I don't know if this will make you feel any better but years ago, before I was married to my now husband, I was engaged. He was my best friend; I couldn't imagine life without him and he couldn't imagine life without me. I felt like I was "home" when I was with him, if that makes sense.

3 weeks before the wedding he called and asked me to come over to the condo we had rented, furnished, etc. He told me he couldn't go through with the wedding and that we were done. He had a good reason but at that moment I felt like a bomb had gone off in my head, in my life. I still get teary eyed thinking of it. Not because I wish things had been different, I guess I just still feel sad for the young woman I was.

I will tell you this. When he called off the wedding, he gave me a gift. He gave me the gift of a life without him. It hasn't been a fairy tale but it is so much better than it would have been.

Please don't go through with the wedding; it will take time to heal from this shock but you will. And you'll be ok - better than ok. You deserve so much more than what he brought to your relationship. Accept the gift he has given you and walk away.

rugswept posted 4/27/2019 16:14 PM

savoy... this is such a heartbreaker. you were about to start your new life together. everyone was all geared up for the wedding and then this.

answer this question to yourself: do you really want a marriage to begin with something like this?
his lack of respect for you was astounding. think of it, he was there, in your own bed with her.

i'm sure you're having a very hard time facing everyone if you stop this now. don't see it that way. think about if you go forward and he's up there making his fake vows he's not going to keep and everyone later finds out about all this. then you would look like a fool.

at this point you're a kind innocent victim of a man who isn't who you thought he was. you're just getting to see who he really is.

at the very least you have to end this now to at least give everything a waiting period. your head has to be spinning in disbelief and you must be sick to your stomach.

you will still be a horrible emotional mess in a month, believe it. this doesn't subside for quite a few months.

we're sorry Savoy. you're a nice person and have found yourself in a horrible situation.

beenthereinco posted 4/27/2019 17:36 PM

Not that it matters but what is he proposing to do about all of this? Is he saying he wants to still get married? Is he offering to quit his job? Does he even say he has ended it with the OW? I don't see any indication in what you've written that he has ended this Affair.

Again, though, it doesn't really matter. This is all in what you want. I think it would be incredibly hard to go through with the wedding now. Don't feel pressured at all. You really should take the wedding off the table right now to relieve some pressure and then decide whether you want to try to rebuild a relationship with this guy. He's going to have to do a lot of work to get there. Who knows if he's able.

Think now about how tainted your wedding day would feel to you. Would you be able to stand there and hear him recite vows including "forsaking all others"? I don't think you want to look back at your wedding as something that was so overshadowed by his infidelity. Postpone it. Then take a look at whether there is something to salvage and rebuild here. Money has been spent I am sure. I know that's distressing. At a minimum insist that your wayward fiance pay back you and your family for any money you have spent and hold your head high when you tell people why you are cancelling.

[This message edited by beenthereinco at 5:37 PM, April 27th (Saturday)]

Odonna posted 4/27/2019 18:19 PM

ST, are you there? I know you are likely sobbing in your mother’s arms, but are you still here on this support site? I do hope so.

We all wish you the very best. Finding this out before you take vows is actually a good thing, despite how it feels at the moment. Think about riding a bicycle or driving a car; we do not focus on the upcoming asphalt, but on the horizon. And we steer straight. So do that now

Hugs!

SavoyTruffle posted 4/27/2019 18:44 PM

I'm here, i;ve spent two whole days in bed. I'm trying to eat & drink when i can but i feel very sick

to answer some questions
1) he has not ended the affair, they are still in contact, she is still staying over last night and tonight apparently. this hurts me very deeply. It's like a knife through my brain. I don't understand it, but i want to believe the best
2) we are in different countries which makes this more complicated.there's a complete loss of control, and i keep going over how helpless i am in all this, it's not like i can do anything besides try to talk to him
3) "Does he even want to stay together or is he giving non commital answers like "I don't know"?" he says he loves me and wants to be with me but at the same time is saying "i don't know" to a lot of things
4) some more lies seem to be unraveling and he's come clean about stuff, like lying about saying he was going out with friends when really he was going out with her

some more stuff: I told my family, i completely broke down, my brothers are very upset with him, my mother is too, I told her that i love him so very much (i do) and that i am so deeply hurt but I want to be with him and forgive him and heal together and she is supporting me in this. She talked to him on the phone today, he also told his parents about the affair. I know everyone here is saying to leave, cancel the wedding, but i am so attached to him i love him very much he is my best friend, this all caught me so off guard in a lot of ways, of course if i look back now i can see the red flags glaring, but i thought we were having a good time. I want to believe this is all a horrible mistake we can get through together, I'm not ready to give up on us & i won't accept all our years together and future ending for this. I don't think the wedding is happening next month, but i'm not willing to end everything. I feel very worried for him, i can't express how much i love this man

I told him i would give him a week to really figure things out, figure out what he wants, i am dedicated to doing whatever I can to heal this pain and continue life with my partner but i need to know that he is too. if he isn't than i guess that really is it. I don't know if it's stupid of me but all i know right now is that things are really raw right now. It feels like it's been years since two nights ago when my whole world fell apart

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