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Light at the end of the tunnel: Update

Fablegirl posted 4/26/2019 15:42 PM

I joined this site more than two years ago as a completely shattered BS. I am on the final stretch of finalizing my divorce from STBX and feel like a different person today. Our divorce hearing is at the end of next month. DD and I are doing really well. She's earning straight As and thriving in therapy. I am 9 months into a new relationship with a man who lives in my area. He's divorced (no kids). We met at a fundraiser. I enjoy his companionship, cooking and humor. I still working on my triggers with trust and abandonment.
I am planning overseas travel with my family and starting to look at the next chapter of my life after DD goes to college.
STBX is, as far as I can tell, still with OW but things aren't going well. He stays with his parents on his days with DD because he can't afford to live on his own. He owes money all over town and can't get a car loan because his credit is terrible. Also found out he had his driver's license suspended for a while. He is chronically late to everywhere he goes. He still keeps an "office" on our property and it is strewn with unopened bills and collection notices. I don't think he's paid his taxes in two years.
OW had some fairly significant health issues and a transplant. She's on disability and evidently has to wear a leg brace. DD refuses to have any contact with her. I also found out by accident that OW has been sued for unpaid credit card bills and had a restraining order against her for domestic violence a few years back -- likely related to her divorce.
In any case, I realize now she did me a favor by breaking up my marriage. STBX was a mess. He has severe ADHD and a mood disorder. He's also a narcissist as well as a recovered alcoholic. A lot of my emotional energy went toward looking after him, walking on egg shells, pretending his part time free lance job actually contributed something. I was the successful spouse who paid all the bills, smoothed over his rude behavior to others and tried to make him look good. The real gift was hearing from DD's therapist that divorce has been good for DD's mental health. It is damaging for children to live in an atmosphere of denial, particularly when they sense there is something wrong with one parent and the other papers over and insists that "everything is fine." DD now sees how much I covered for her dad's failings as a parent - his chronic lateness, his temper tantrums, his inability to complete any task and bullying.
What I wanted to impart to this group is something I have been ruminating on the past few days. In the early days of my grief and rage it was difficult to get beyond fantasizing about revenge. I always hated it when someone advised that the best revenge was living a good life and to forget about STBX and OW. That seemed like a platitude way beyond my emotional reach. Now it makes sense. Being somewhat emotionally restored (though I don't think I will ever be healed entirely), I can spend several days thinking about other matters in life beyond STBX betrayal. I can lie in bed and feel grateful for the good memories I have made since he destroyed our family. I am at peace without him. The idea of revenge now seems like a waste of energy and time. So to those of you who are still struggling, you will get to this emotional place. I really can't figure out how I got here -- therapy, journaling and meditation helped. Also just time. But now having arrived, I am pretty grateful.


Phoenix1 posted 4/26/2019 16:00 PM

What a great update! I'm glad, for you, that you've reached this point and shared with those still struggling.

Onward and upward!

Catwoman posted 4/26/2019 16:41 PM

In the early days of my grief and rage it was difficult to get beyond fantasizing about revenge. I always hated it when someone advised that the best revenge was living a good life and to forget about STBX and OW. That seemed like a platitude way beyond my emotional reach. Now it makes sense.

YES!

When you concentrate on yourself, and listen to the voice within that tells you what you need in life and you go out there and work to get it, that's living the good life. I don't have a glitzy life, but I have one that works for me, and I'm happy about it.

Revenge is a waste of time and emotional energy that could be invested in a fabulous new direction for YOU.

Cat

phmh posted 4/26/2019 18:42 PM

You know how you just said you didn't believe that living well was the best revenge was true, until you healed more and saw that was exactly true? Please don't sell yourself short, or set yourself up for failure with defeatist talk like this:

(though I don't think I will ever be healed entirely)

It took me around 5 years, but I am completely healed, and I know you can do it too. Look at all that you've done so far!

Congratulations on finally finding and living the life you should have been all along. So excited and happy for you!

Furious1 posted 4/26/2019 20:35 PM

Awesome update! Good for you!

F1

Braveyogi posted 4/27/2019 17:41 PM

Good for you in realizing the damage that revenge would do for YOU and finding other healthier ways to deal with the sh&t sandwich that was handed to you. Best wishes to you going forward!

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