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How do you risk?

demolishedinside posted 4/7/2019 08:25 AM

Iím in the midst of limbo but heading to D when I can land a job and get the money, so this is a long time out for me. Still, my dad cheated, the men I dated either dumped me or cheated on me. Iím thinking maybe I wonít be able to try again. I guess Iím wondering how you are able to. I never thought Iíd be alone with kids. I never would have put them through this. I just am hoping to know how you decided to try again.

Furious1 posted 4/7/2019 10:14 AM

For me, I fully plan on taking time for myself and my healing. I have a track record of choosing and attracting abusive men who lie and cheat. I knew that there was some unresolved issues going on from my childhood so I have chosen to gift myself with the time and space necessary to work on those issues. I do plan on dating again at some point when I feel ready, but I know that I am worthy of taking the time to deal with some things first so that I will stop this cycle of abuse and pain that I have lived with throughout my entire life.

For me, I had been groomed my entire life to not heed any red flags or warning signs when it came to abusive people. I was taught to ignore them at best. At worst, I was trying to replay my childhood wounds by chasing them for the love, validation, approval, and acceptance that I never once got from my parents or from any of my family members. I was replaying the same childhood wound by choosing and responding to abusive people while hoping for a different result. And then I would be hurt and confused about why I was not getting the love that I had so desperately craved.

So knowing this, I am binge watching the heck out of YouTube videos about how to heal from co-dependency, how to recognize emotionally abusive people, how to practice self-love and self-validation, how to deal with and heal from narcissistic abuse, etc. And it is helping me heal those parts of me that were treated so badly as a child.

I am learning things that I never applied to myself and my own life. I am learning that I have a right to live my life on my own terms instead of having it drug through the mud with all of the crap that my STBXHole can manage to put me through. I am learning that it isn't my job to heal abusive people. If they want to stop being abusive, then they will not let anything stop them from fixing their shit. If they aren't doing that and if they are looking to you to do all of the heavy lifting when it comes to stopping their abusiveness, then they are only using you and reaping the benefits of the fact that you were groomed to feel responsible for an abuser's emotional state.

I am learning that I owe it to myself to live my life according to what I want, and that I do not owe it to anyone to leave the keys to my happiness in their pocket. Like you, I did not want to repeat the old patterns of being with men who didn't have any interest in being a person of honor and integrity. So it was on me to learn from my experiences so that I stopped repeating my former patterns of making choices in life.

For a while, I thought I was trying to learn from my experiences in order to avoid the pain of getting hurt again. Now I realize that I am learning from my past experiences because I love myself too much not to.


Phantasmagoria posted 4/7/2019 12:05 PM

Simply put, you have to define your own boundaries and if someone crosses those boundaries, or disrespects you then call them on it, and if they donít course-correct to your satisfaction, you have to be prepared to walk away without looking back no matter how much you like them. Easier to write than to do, but this is the only way to preserve your self-respect (or establish for some!), and filter to the right person for you.

Even more simply put, donít put up with or self-justify other peopleís bullsh!t. Teach them that you wonít, do it calmly and kindly but also ruthlessly so that you leave them no doubt that youíre absolutely serious!

Phoenix1 posted 4/7/2019 12:56 PM

Spend time healing thoroughly and finding yourself again. Learn that happiness comes from within, and be happy with your own company. Make new memories with the kids.

Then, when you WANT someone in your life to compliment and enrich it, but you don't NEED someone else, give dating a thought.

Broken attracts broken.

If you ever do have someone else in your life, have boundaries, watch for and heed red flags, and listen to your gut.

And it is also perfectly fine remaining single, too!

demolishedinside posted 4/7/2019 15:44 PM

Yeah. Iím not 21 and stupid anymore. I definitely have learned so much...especially clear are the red flags I ignored. Iím sort of chuckling because Iím thinking no man will be able to put up with all my boundaries at this point so Iím not worried about dating for a very very long time. Perhaps Iíll just find some friends to watch a movie with here and there. I figure Iím going to get really familiar with Netflix. 😂

Oftencheatedon posted 4/9/2019 22:01 PM

Oh I just cringe at some of my previous dating situations. After having several men who did not "do me right" I began to expect "the worst" and to accept it. Yuck.

Once I started to respect myself and my needs I learned to not accept the unacceptable. I was single for decades.

But my now wonderful non-cheating DH has been such a blessing to me. But even if he had not shown up in my life I would have been just fine with my wonderful friends.

Unhinged posted 4/18/2019 20:56 PM

You're a good woman, Dem. I know this. One day, I believe, you will meet a good man who sees you for who you are. If you're willing, you'll try. More importantly, you'll be a lot wiser.

JoyfulMourning posted 4/18/2019 23:25 PM

Unfortunately, I have no wisdom to share. I can only offer my presence as support to you. Sometimes a person just needs an understanding person to listen, nod and stand beside them in the fire for a little bit. So, here I am.

Thank you for this post and to everyone that post replies. Such an abundance of wisdom has poured forth for so many (like myself) that will need it.

Peace to you.

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