Please forgive my long-windedness, repetition, and, most likely, disjointedness, but I found out something today that’s really thrown me for a loop (and it’s gonna take forever for me to get there, so I hope you can bear with me long enough to read all this).
Six-plus years ago my wife walked out. I had received an anonymous phone call telling me about her affair. I confronted her, she confirmed. Said she’d been unhappy for “six years,” which coincided with my layoff from a longtime job. We’d been married 27 years.
We did not have a good marriage, though we always got along. We did not fight. We rarely argued. What that means is, our communication was crap. I’m sorry to say that the foundation of our marriage was distrust, fear, and passive-aggression. But I loved her -- sadly, I was always IN love with her... and “IN love” means “kinda stupid.” I was acutely aware of her flaws, but I accepted her as she was, and I was nuts about her. She was nuts about me in the beginning, I suppose. She did not really accept me as I was.
A year before all this, she got a very scary health diagnosis, and she went right off the rails. She started seeing this guy about six months after that. I had no idea -- though I knew the guy had a crush on her. I didn’t worry, though: He’s old, crude, and seriously, objectively unattractive. But somehow he’d done this before, so apparently his disguise works like a charm. He preys on damaged middle-aged women... and she’s all that. Her damage is severe, resulting in about 50 years of untreated PTSD resulting from sexual abuse. He, meanwhile, is a recovering alcoholic. Her addictions? Shopping and romantic fantasy (of which this guy is living proof).
I suffered, and I mean suffered, for two years. God alone knows why, but I wanted to reconcile. If you saw us together, you’d think *I* was the one who had done the cheating, abandoning, and betraying. I literally BEGGED her to come back. You know all the advice on this site about interacting with your wayward spouse? I read all that -- and still did the opposite. I was pathetic. She was unmoved.
Again, we had gotten along. Just fine. For the 30 years we were together. Guess I liked her better than she liked me, though. And she basically turned ice cold overnight. One day we’re more or less comfortably together, telling each other “I love you” every day; the next day she’s gone forever. There was a brief moment where she evidently considered reconciliation, two months after she left. I was crying like a baby -- really the first time she saw how horrific it was for me. I just couldn’t control it -- the tears, the howling, and I guess she got caught up in my misery long enough to suggest that reconciliation was on the table. I felt like an idiot: humiliated, betrayed, useless, worthless, hopeless, desperate. As the Beatles song goes, “And in her eyes, you see nothing: no sign of love behind the tears cried for no one.” That was her.
I started therapy within a couple days of her exit. I knew I couldn’t handle this alone, and I knew I’d be a wreck. Also started attending a men’s support group and got new antidepressants. Was able to function at work, more or less. Talked to EVERYONE about what had happened: friends, family, even clergy. Discovered that I had a wonderful, widespread support system.
Eventually I came to realize that I actually am a pretty lucky person, and instead of just telling myself I have a lot to be thankful for, I just AM thankful. I’m surrounded by people who freely tell me positive things about myself, and at some point I decided to start listening to these folks instead of the advice in my head that sounded like my former spouse. This doesn’t mean I walk around preening like I think I’m God’s gift, someone who deserves only wonderful things in life —I just know, objectively, that despite my flaws and weaknesses, I’m a good person, and I care about being a good person. I try very hard to treat people well. Top of that list was my wife, who, simply, was the most important creature ever to walk the planet, in my mind.
Wife remained unmoved throughout all this. Avoided me like the plague. Wouldn’t communicate -- And I had the nerve to be surprised, somehow, that an uncommunicative marriage might lead to an uncommunicative separation. I insisted that she file for divorce, since she was the one who wanted out. She said she would. She didn’t. Apparently she thought that if I filed, that meant she wasn’t the bad guy... and ultimately it took three and a half years before I filed (largely because I was afraid she’d try to get spousal support, which, ultimately, she didn’t). So I guess she won. Didn’t cost her a penny, and she got what she wanted. (What I haven’t mentioned yet is that we have a son, now 25, who was deeply hurt by her leaving and, subsequently, checking out as a mom. He recently told me -- again, she left over six years ago -- that “What happened between you and Mom fucked me up more than I’d realized. I need therapy.”)
(Let me digress here to let you know that, indeed, I’m leaving out TONS of detail. No need to thank me.)
I guess I’m technically an adulterer, too, because I started seeing someone just after those two long, horrible years, though it took me another year before I was able to file. I’m still with this woman -- she’s been a godsend. I love her very much, and this relationship is exactly what I’d intended it to be... in the sense of it being an absolutely separate track in my brain, not something that exists at all in terms of my marriage.
I am not, however, over my ex. (The sun is hot; water is wet.) I’m fine that we’re not together, and even if somehow she wanted us to be, I wouldn’t give up my current relationship for the world -- but... well, what I guess I’m REALLY not over is the pain, anger, and betrayal – not my ex herself. I hurt every day; I’m angry every day -- outraged, I guess you could say; I feel that betrayal constantly. And yet... my ex and I have neither seen nor even spoken to each other in over five years. (That’s not my choice, though I no longer feel bad about it.)
I don’t know what I want from her. I know what I want FOR her: to fix her relationship with our son, who, though he loves her very much, has lost most of his respect for her; to get effective help for her lifelong PTSD, which resulted from being sexually abused constantly for 10 years; and for her to get out from under the family-destroying monster she’s been with all this time.
Several months ago she sent me a letter -- our first communication of any kind since I filed the final divorce paperwork in 2016 and warned her it was on its way. She apologized for her “inexcusable” behavior: “I lied, cheated, ignored your needs, snapped at you...” -- she copped to a lot of what she did. She did not, however, really even scratch the surface of what she did, or acknowledge the fallout and all the people she’s hurt in the process, largely, I think, because she simply doesn’t understand how bad it is to do what she did. She asked if there was anything she could do to “mend my wrongs,” then added “Probably not.”
I’d heard she was in Al-Anon, which makes sense since her mom and two siblings are alcoholic, as is her boyfriend, and it was pretty clear that this letter was part of whatever step it is that requires you to try and make amends with those you’ve hurt. I don’t believe it came from the heart, though I know it had to be difficult to write.
It took her all those years to write this one-page letter that barely said anything. She said she’s sorry... but I still don’t know whether she regrets the things she actually did, the fact that my son and I got hurt as a result, the fact that she’s the one who did the things that hurt us, or just the fact that she got caught. My son received a similar letter, though he’s not sure what she’s apologizing for: “Near as I can tell, she’s apologizing for the way she left,” he said. Not THAT she left, or that she partly blamed him for her departure, or the way she’s distanced herself from him over the years.
She was absolutely crazy about that kid – when he was a baby. Once the bloom was off the rose, she mostly just argued with him and treated him as a kind of unwelcome responsibility. Once, during an argument about homework, I heard her yell “I hate you!” at him. (Luckily, my son has no memory of this.) In one of the few times I put my foot down, I ushered her away from him and into the bedroom, closed the door, and said, “I don’t care if someone is holding a gun to your head: You do not tell your child you hate him. He can tell us he hates us all he wants, but you can’t say it to him. Ever again.” She’d said it in the heat of the moment, I knew, and she was terribly contrite, but you just don’t DO that. And then, the night she left, as I say, she partly blamed him for her departure. It’s true that he wasn’t an easy kid, but he loves his parents, and he’s turned into a terrific adult.
My ex had wanted a baby more than anything else in the world, and, indeed, because I wasn’t quick enough to make sure she had one, she had a fling with an old boyfriend five years into our marriage, and I was stupid enough to believe it was an “emotional” affair; but her strategy was that if *I* wouldn’t give her a baby, she’d by-gosh find someone who would. You note that I said “wanted a baby,” not “wanted a child”; she also loves kittens and puppies WAY more than cats and dogs. I shouldn’t have been surprised. And because I was so afraid to lose her, I made myself want that baby, too. I mean, I have no regrets about that – I’m lucky to be this guy’s dad -- but he exists because she demanded that I show my commitment to her in the form of having a baby with her. “Havin’ mah bay-beh! What a lovely way to say how much you love me!” Anyway, you’re seeing the foundation of our marriage right here: fear, distrust, passive-aggression. I’m not proud of that, and not proud of myself.
Not long ago, she e-mailed me -- weird in itself, because she’d sent that 12-step letter only six months previously; I mean, it’s like suddenly we were regular correspondents or something -- to ask if there was “something up” with our son. (Yes indeed, there is: He’s been going through some difficulty, and a lot of it’s because of her.) It’s the first time, in all these years, that she’s initiated contact with me regarding our son. But I’m living with him at Ground Zero, so I’m SEEING his pain and doing my best to address it; she’s not there at all.
What I have wanted, for so long, is for all this pain and anger I feel to go away, and for her and her rancid beau to get the hell out of my head. I have been unable to let go of all of this -- in large part because apparently I don’t know how to let stuff go. (That’s really why I’m writing this. I suppose I could’ve saved you a lot of time if I’d said so up front. Right now, the “not letting go” thing is what’s really plaguing me.)
Early on, I blocked her and her monster from my Facebook account, not out of hostility (well, not out of hostility for HER; him I loathe) but because I didn’t want to see any mutual Facebook friends, say, congratulating her on her decision to dump me in favor of her boyfriend, Beelzebub. I managed to prevent myself from stalking her online, which would’ve been my natural inclination. I learned through others, who saw it on Facebook, that (a) she was leaving the area and would be moving three hours away from our son, who doesn’t drive; (b) her sister, whom I adored, died of acute alcohol poisoning (and I had to break the news to our son, whom she had not told); (c) that she’s listed everywhere she’s lived -- except with me; and (d) this new thing....
Yesterday I saw that one of her cousins, with whom I’ve been Facebook friends for many years, has become a grandparent for the first time. In leaving a congratulatory note along with many others, I noticed a mention of my former wife... only now she apparently has Beelzebub’s last name. (It’s Pusbag. Mr. and Mrs. Beelzebub Pusbag.)
I haven’t spoken about it with my son, but I’m guessing he knows nothing of this -- after all, for at least the first two years after she left, she pretended she wasn’t even in a new “relationship,” and she’s kept him in the dark in much the way she kept ME in the dark; also, he said recently that there’s been no indication that they’d be getting married.
Now... she and Beelzebub have been together long enough for it not to be a surprise that they’d get married. She’s the type who can’t handle life without a man to take care of everything anyway, so it’s even kind of weird that they hadn’t been married before now (or, at least, recently). But seeing her with her new last name really threw me for a loop.
All of the horrible feelings came up for me, of course: the anger, the pain, the betrayal, even the sadness... along with some relatively new ones: nausea and disgust. Somehow I wasn’t prepared for them to get married, perhaps because it doesn’t look like my girlfriend and I will be getting married anytime soon, though we’re both in it for the long haul.
It’s been years since I’ve entertained any notion of my ex and me getting back together, so I don’t think I got so upset because “Now it’s permanent: We’ll NEVER be together again!” That ship sailed long ago. So I don’t know why I’m so upset and angry.
It might be a continuation of the horror of knowing that my beloved spouse found me less preferable than a duplicitous, manipulative, narcissistic sociopath, serial adulterer, and sexual predator... and her actually MARRYING this walking chancre is just the cherry on top -- I don’t know.
I was in therapy for five years after my ex left, and I’ve been in the same men’s group all this time. I continue to have wonderfully supportive friends and family, and I have what I think is a very good relationship with my son. My girlfriend shows me every day how lucky I am, and our relationship is far more satisfying than my marriage ever was.
So why can’t I get over this nonsense with my ex-wife, or at least past it? Have any of you been in this situation? If so, have you managed to get past it? How? HOW DO YOU LET STUFF GO, especially stuff that has caused you more pain than you ever believed you could feel?
It might be easier if I didn’t still love her, but I do, and I always will. My girlfriend doesn’t understand how I can, especially since she managed, rather quickly, to stop loving HER longtime but adulterous jerk of a former husband, but *I* don’t understand how one can STOP loving someone. But I also don’t understand why all this still affects me so much. I have to believe there’s truth to the idea that all this anger and pain centering on my ex-wife has become a habit that I need to find a way to break.
I have tried so hard, all this time, to find a way to forgive her, but to no avail. I even want to stop hating Beelzebub -- not out of any regard for him, but because I don’t want to CARE enough to hate him. But now, seeing that they’re married, I’m finding that I care a lot less about any of that. I feel disinclined to forgive her, and I don’t see my extreme hostility for this asshole going away. And yet... I don’t want to keep carrying all this with me.
One thing I find interesting is that those I know whose spouse cheated and left -- admittedly, only a handful of people -- primarily blame their own wayward spouse, whereas I’ve focused so much blame, hatred, and outrage on Beelzebub. He SHOULD be just an incidental element, right? But I wish the worst on him. I’d never truly hated another human being before, and it doesn’t feel good at all.
Just so you know, I am “spiritual but not religious,” as the dating sites say. (That, by the way, is how I met my girlfriend. I did NOT enjoy online dating... but without it, we never would’ve met....) I am not a violent person, either in deed or word. My ex never had to worry about me harming her or Beelzebub. (That tells you how lucky he’s been -- or maybe just smart enough to pick women whose husbands are unlikely to maim him, or worse.) She had 27 years of marriage to a nice person who never abused or neglected her, a husband who loved her more than his own life. It was quite sobering to realize that to the extent that she loved me at all, it was for who she wanted me to be, not who I am. (Who I am was never rich or successful or, I guess, fun enough for her.)
In other words, she had it pretty good, being married to me. Every day she came home to a place in which she was loved very much and very deeply. She had a husband who had her back, even if she didn’t really have his. She had loving in-laws. In short, she had a life in which love did not entail any form of abuse... and which, therefore, was vastly different from what she grew up with. We weren’t a perfect couple, and I can’t pretend to have been anything close to a perfect husband. What I was was loving, kind, attentive, faithful, and supportive... and probably pretty annoying in a number of ways. But she had it pretty good.
If she’s happier now, God bless her. I do want her to be happy and, especially, healthy. (I mean, heck, I’M happier now.) But more than that, I want to get rid of the pain and anger -- and the hatred for Beelzebub. I’m not sure I care now whether I forgive her or not (and I KNOW I won’t be forgiving HIM), but I just don’t want this awfulness in my head and my heart all the time. I’ve had it.
For any of you in the same boat... how have you managed to make this shit go away?
Thanks for reading this far, and take care.