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Feeling so stupid

Myrrh posted 3/26/2019 12:39 PM

I found out almost 3 weeks ago that my H cheated on me twice and was going for the third.We have been married for almost 13 years and have been together for 15 years. No sex ,as if THAT was supposed to make me feel better.What he did do was WAY more intimate in my eyes.The only reason I found out was because H was stupid enough to send photos with his face and this person was attempting to "blackmail" him for money. My H didn't know what to do so after he tells me he has cheated he then asks me to help him fix it!!! Luckily nothing came of it (aside from finding out my H is cheater)
The thing is that the signs were all there I just thought my H was feeling confident in himself. Taking photos of himself, hiding his phone when I walked in the room..etc. How dumb am I? I keep thinking in the back of my mind that I must have done something to contribute to this behavior.
Now I feel like he has unburdened himself and placed it all on me!
Its not fair! I don't deserve this! Im tired of taking care of everyone when the one person I have /had to take care of me...doesnt and then crapped all over everything. Is it wrong that I want to go out and make out with a MAN to see what its like?? I know 2 wrongs don't make a right but....

kiki1 posted 3/26/2019 12:45 PM

Don't feel stupid. It's pretty easy to fool someone when they have no clue what's going on. They're not so smart when everybody knows the score.

Let him clean his own mess. You sit back and watch what he does. He made it he needs to fix it.

Focus on you in a healthy way. Eat. Sleep. Hydrate. No men!! It will only confuse the situation and put you down to the cheaters level. Sending you a hug

Myrrh posted 3/26/2019 13:03 PM

Thanks for the is much needed. Thanks also for the I have to make myself follow it! Ive done so much to make myself better to have a longer life with my husband so we could enjoy ourselves. I lost 133 lbs and my H was looking for overweight women! I have nothing against overweight people,ive been there. Im happier with myself more than I ever have been in my entire life. It's hard not to focus on that part of it though. It's a total mind F#$%. Thanks again for listening to me .

heartbroken_kk posted 3/26/2019 15:47 PM

Hi Myrrh, sorry you are here.

So, your WH is a serial cheater. Maybe you "caught" him prior to his third affair, but this doesn't mean that he won't have a third affair, maybe it will be a few months or years down the road.

Please don't try to fix anything for him. NOTHING about his affair is your responsibility, so do not lift a finger!

It is not fair, and you don't deserve this, so it's important that you don't accept it. Do not take care of it for him!

The reason you shouldn't fix it for him is that this is codependent behavior and it shields him from the natural consequences of his behavior. So let the consequences happen!

You'll get over your desire to have a revenge affair, such thoughts are common, but it definitely won't help you. Take care to maintain your integrity, he can't take that away from you.

Do you have kids? Own a home?

Have you considered divorce? Why would you want to stay with somebody that keeps cheating on you? What circumstances would keep you connected to him?

nortonj posted 3/26/2019 16:36 PM

H was stupid enough to send photos with his face and this person was attempting to "blackmail" him for money.

I'm really sorry you're going through this, AND that you have to be the "parent" in this mess. But excuse me, someone is trying to blackmail your husband and cause harm to your family. That is a CRIME.

Stupid for HIM to fall for it, but I highly recommend going to the authorities.

BetrayedInIdaho posted 3/26/2019 16:52 PM

I found out 3 weeks ago. And like your story, he had been involved with 2. He had a 3rd that he was talking to. Unfortunately, my husband had sex with 1 of them. I also thought about having my own revenge affair, but I know I could never do it. Bit I'll be completely honest, part of me really wants to.

My husband has cut off all his affairs, and wants to reconcile. I'm not sure I want that. I'm pretty devastated. You're not alone. Hugs.

manofintegrity posted 3/26/2019 20:43 PM


[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:08 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)]

recovering2018 posted 3/26/2019 21:06 PM

Do NOT help him clean up his mess. Kids have to learn that actions have consequences. If he doesn't learn, he won't change.

Either way, I do have to say that there would be zero chance that I'd take a 3x cheater back. I had a really hard time not walking away from a 20 year marriage due to a brief EA. A second would be just too much to come back from.

The1stWife posted 3/26/2019 22:03 PM

You should not feel stupid b/c you trusted your H.

He should feel stupid for his poor choices.

Dispirited posted 3/26/2019 22:19 PM

No- you are not stupid at trustedrth your husband- just like it's supposed to be. And then, the crap came about. All of this 'supposed" innocent
communication goes beyond my and others' boundaries.

and when they cross that boundary, then you have to decide 'if" that is forgivable. Not always easy- especially when children are involved. has to decide "if" their worth is more important. Not easy- for sure. "What happened with dad"? As always, children suffer.

Nonetheless, when abuse is apparent, then the choice is apparent. I hate it when any person is abused AND when it trickles down to the children. This terrible scenario whether to cut ties and the children "may" be affected, OR a simple escape from an abusive situation.

And in the end, the children always suffer - in indeterminate ways. Both ways....when a person is abused (whether verbally, physically, or when one is cheated on), then there is evidence of harm.

And rather aptly speaking, as a male - because of this and that, I was harmed. I am no different from anyone- albeit gender, who goes through this harm...this affront to a person who stayed by- even knowing it may have not been the right thing to do.

And then....we have different situations....different whatever. Different "stuff" that some use as an excuse for drifting. As I always said is this..."IF" you want to leave your relationship, then say so. You are a coward if you can not have the decency to say so to your partner. And those who care to employ two options, then you're not even worth my breath.

You take it as it is- as you are developed so to speak. The fact that this woman feels "stupid" is enough to reiterate above AND instill empathy....and certainly a "reasonable" amount of people who understand what the hell you go through:).

Other than that, I am as always single.....always busy with research, writing, and all of the other BS. But, I still can see those who rise above marginal status:)

Myrrh posted 3/27/2019 08:56 AM

Wow. I am amazed at the amount of responses to my post. Thank you all for taking time to share your thoughts and help me through this mess! I can not believe how common and abundant cheating is. Naive..right? I don't know why I never considered leaving. We don't own a home, we have no children (aside from my fur baby. I just feel like deep down inside this is not who he is..even though it obviously is who he is. How could I be so wrong about someone ive known for 15 years?
As for the blackmail incident..the police were contacted and nothing can be done unless the person actually posts anything. So far nothing's happened. I told his sister about what he did and I sent him to her house for a couple of days so I could process this but I feel like I need a lifetime to process it! Being around him and seeing him acting like everything is ok is so damn infuriating! I married a 16 year old trapped in a 44 year olds body!!

nekonamida posted 3/27/2019 09:19 AM

Myrrh, consider yourself lucky that you don't have children and don't have to figure out a house if you do split. But seriously, ask yourself - how much more are you willing to put up with? Are you okay with sharing your WH with another woman once and a while? What if the next A is a PA? What if he wants to leave you for a future OW? Is taking the chance okay with you?

If it's not, you have to demand more of him and be prepared to walk away if he doesn't give it to you. You deserve better than a WH who cheats on you even online and then expects you to swope in and save him. Much better.

Bigger posted 3/27/2019 09:46 AM

You donít give us much to work with.
What is he sending? The strangely common dick-pics? Nudes? Explicit?
Whom does he send it to? Random women? Hookers? Guys?
How do you know itís three? Been verified?

Look Ė I take infidelity as seriously as anyone here, but I donít think the only solution to a broken bone is always amputation.

(Btw Ė I think labelling someone as a serial cheater is a bit premature IMHO. Letís get more info before we start throwing the daggers and looking for the tar-and-feathers. If he truly sent two photos to two different women does that make him a serial-cheater? What if he sent two photos to one woman?)

Other than shaming him then what good would exposing to everyone do right now?

Calm down and think rationally.

I was a cop. I worked the streets where the clubs were located and my then fiancť would frequent to get her f@ck-buddies. Yet I didnít have a clue until I stood there looking at OM behind between her thighs. Itís normal to trust. Itís normal to not expect your partner to be doing these things.

Itís true that making a clean break would possibly be your easiest option. If thatís what you want then by all means go that path. But do so cleanly. Get it over with and cut ties. Donít focus on revenge or getting back on him.

What mess did he ask you for help with?
The individual attempted black-mail or the fact he thinks sending photos is a swell idea?
The former is asking for help in cleaning a mess, the later a plea for help.

MamaDragon posted 3/27/2019 14:28 PM

now is the time to put boundaries in place - he has unburdened himself, asked for help - so take advantage of it.

Tell him 100% transparency to everything. Phone, apps, social media, email....anything you want to look at, he should be happy to hand it over.

explain that he no longer gets to have friendships, online or real life with females. Sorry, he lost your trust, that is the brakes.

He has to give up all the OWs name, and a time line so you know what happened, how he met them etc. If he met them through online gaming - he has to stop gaming.

He is acting like nothing is bothering him, trust me he is worried but is hoping by acting in the manner he is that this will blow over. Don't rug sweep. Make him aware that if changes are not made, you won't stay. To make it more believable, implement the 180 - which you can read up on in the healing library.


ErinHa posted 3/27/2019 14:36 PM

First, you are NOT stupid, we have all been fooled by people we trusted to never hurt us this way! You didn't do anything to contribute to this!

There is a lot to unpack with every infidelity. Many couples find themselves having a stronger marriage after infidelity but it takes real work and a true desire to change and be open to criticism. The time after the initial betrayal is so emotionally charged that making any decisions is not in your best interests. I knee jerked reacted into reconciliation, but should have just given myself some time.

As far as him putting it on you. No. Do not let this happen. I highly recommend Individual Counseling (IC) for each of your before attempting reconciliation and marital counseling. I leaned a lot about being co-dependent and I'm feeling if he's placing the "fixing" on you, you might have some co-dependent tendencies. This will likely lead to false or temporary reconciliation only to have him repeat the action later.

Also, I'm stunned that he got involved with someone trying to blackmail him...the truth can be so ugly. I'm so sorry for your pain. You deserve better!

Needtobefree posted 3/27/2019 14:51 PM

Unfortunately, you have been hurt by the person you loved and trusted for so many years. You are not stupid at all. You did what you were supposed to do, love, trust, and respect. Shame on him for his actions. It's not you who messed up, it is all on him.

Myrrh posted 3/28/2019 09:05 AM

You donít give us much to work with.
What is he sending? The strangely common dick-pics? Nudes? Explicit?
Whom does he send it to? Random women? Hookers? Guys?
How do you know itís three? Been verified?

I just want to respond to this first.I have verified that 2 women were at my house with my H "between their thighs". In my bedroom while he was "working from home"The third almost A was a girl he met on a website he had joined. He sent photos of himself with his dick including his face.When the blackmail incident happened he asked me what he was supposed to do. The person was demanding money by a certain time or they were going to expose his pics to my family (they knew names) his family, his work. I had to tell him to call our lawyer to find out what to do as I have never been through this before.He was paralyzed with fear. Not only did he just get found out but now everyone was going to know.Meanwile,I just found out he's been cheating on me. On his website he had photos of himself..explicit and not. This began in November when he started talking to a friend from high school that showed up on his FB friends he might know.Both of the women had spouses of their own. I want to work on things with him. I don't see my marriage ending. Just need to figure out how to get through it. Im not ready amputate.

Boundaries has become my new favorite word! Ive started this process.Thank you for the info on the 180. Im going to check that out next. H has an appointment for himself with a therapist and I am in the process of finding a marriage counselor.

You all have been so enlightening. I truly appreciate it!

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