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Did you want to know the whole truth on DDay?

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Somber posted 4/2/2019 19:54 PM

Hi, I am not in new beginnings yet. I am at the point where I am obsessed with finding things out and frustrated when I get a dead end! My WH is a serial cheater, pathological liar with many narcissistic traits that some of you have described!

I thought I would glance at new beginnings threads to give me hope for my future. I see that knowing everything isnít everything. Perhaps I need to focus on the fact that he repetitively pursues other women on Instagram, Facebook, texts, etc and not care where it ends up. Perhaps I need to focus on the overall picture of the trust and respect destroyed. Or the fact that I know for sure about one 2 year long physical affair. TT is so frustrating, I never have full answers and he always minimizes, distracts, gaslights...
Right now I want to call the newest possible affair partner, they have sexual explicit messages with intent to meet up and I just want answers...I hate it! Should I??

I know I am on the wrong thread but I think knowing you are past where I am may give you some peace and relief that you are no longer living in this hell.

Thanks for listening...

BrokenheartedUK posted 4/3/2019 07:08 AM

On DDay it'self, I was far too shocked and blindsided to even handle all the truth. The mere fact of the A which I discovered by undeleted texts on his phone was enough to know and I couldn't digest anything more than that.

But in the coming months during R, I was desperate for all the details. Every single one I could drag out of him. And drag I did. But it wasn't until I used Dr. Fone to download the software that undeletes texts that I got the truth that set me free: he had continued contact with the OW, and had continued to lie to me. And after ascertaining that central fact, I really couldn't have cared less what the whole truth was anymore.

I sometimes go back in my memory to figure out if there were other A's but I'll never know. I am comforted by the fact that he's a total incompetent ass and the fact that he carried on the one A was a stroke of luck and my denial. And in the end, I don't really care anymore.

CatsEye posted 4/3/2019 17:01 PM

Somber, if any of your husband's affairs are married or in supposedly committed relationships, you owe it to those other betrayed spouses/partners to let them know what's really going on in their lives, unless you are unable to do so without exposing yourself to legal liability.

As for talking to the other woman, she has probably convinced herself - with your dear husband's full assistance - that you are the lowest PoS scumbag on the face of the Earth and that you are such a wretched excuse for a human being that you deserve to be cheated on, lied to, disrespected, and laughed at behind your back for everything they've gotten away with doing to you.

Unless your husband lied to her too and she thought he was single, she's also a completely dishonest, completely immoral, backstabbing, totally promiscuous, trashy slut who is so lost to decency that she thinks getting her jollies with a man she knows is married is no big deal. Do you really want to hear anything that such a lying, treacherous whore has to say to you? I mean, she's likely to lie, minimize, distract, gaslight, and blame shift every bit as much as he does.

Let her have your serial cheating husband. It would be the worst punishment you could inflict on either one of them.

Best of luck to you.

CatsEye posted 4/3/2019 17:22 PM

did you want to know everything about the affair(s)?

There are certain things that I want to know.
I want to know how long he really cheated.
I want to know how many affairs there really were.
I want to know if he cheated on the only mistress he admitted to having while they were cheating on me. (I'm pretty sure he did.)
I want to know if the specific women I suspect were also his sluts.
I want to know how long my stepchildren (who I raised) knew about the affair(s).
I want to know how long our so-called mutual friends knew about the affair(s).
I want to know if my former best friend was one of his mistresses and for how long.
I want to know what stories he has told about me behind my back, to whom, and for how long.

Do I want to know any details of the sex he had with those worthless pieces of filth he screwed? Not really. I'm more than disgusted enough already.

The main reason I want to know the stuff I listed is to have the ammunition I need if I ever got the chance to reveal the truth behind his "Nice Guy" image and to reveal what vicious liars his backstabbing, pathologically selfish brats are and to reveal how hypocritical and immoral all his self-righteous drinking buddies are: males, females, and couples.

Do you think you found out everything?

Of course I didn't find out everything. Anyone who deceived his partner in life every single day for years and possibly decades is going to have more secrets than can ever be uncovered.

Did it help or did it hurt you in the end? Do you see it differently now?

Well, it has been more than a year since I realized he had been cheating, and I still want to know the truth. It helped a lot when he finally admitted that he had been involved with the woman I was virtually certain was his mistress. It didn't help with the divorce half as much as it should have, but at least I have that tiny piece of vindication.

Somber posted 4/3/2019 18:35 PM

Cats eye,
Your hilarious and I see the humour in your response attacking these lying cheating spouses and their affair partners! They are a special kind of crazy that is for sure!
The last woman was married (our kids in the same school) and her husband notified me which I am grateful for. I met with her and she was shocked that I am a nice sweet honest calm natured person. So yes you are right!! He will have made me out to be something I am not to validate his affair. Their affair had been over for 6 months so she was forth coming with info to me.
This new one, I just see sexual intent messages but no proof of it occurring. Do I still notify her husband? I know them both well, she was my friend (a now former mom friend at our kids school). Yes, that is 2 trashy moms from the same school - both married with young children!!!! From seeing some of her texts, I am doubtful she would be honest with me anyhow! I just hate being in the dark and I feel it is helpful to have facts to throw at my WH when he denies, etc!

CatsEye posted 4/3/2019 21:32 PM

Well, if you were the other woman's husband, wouldn't you want to be told?

As nearly everyone on this site will tell you, more than the sex, it's the dishonesty, the lies, the deceptions that are so hurtful. Even if your husband and this woman aren't having sex, she is being disrespectful to her own husband, their marriage, any children they have together, and anyone who cares about her husband. She is engaging in behavior that is damaging to her marriage, whether she is actually having sex with your husband or not.

Her husband has a right to know.

Somber posted 4/4/2019 05:40 AM

Thanks, youíre right. I feel the same way. I would want to know as well. He does have a right to know. I guess I was trying to gather more evidence for myself and to give him copies of as well. But I am done playing dectective. I canít wait for the day when I am no longer in this mess and heartache.

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