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Canít turn my brain off.

Healforme posted 3/24/2019 10:27 AM

So I found out last January that my H was having an EA. He claimed he didnít realize he was doing anything wrong. I requested that he cut off all contact with her and he agreed. After that our relationship was strained. I tried everything to get him to work on repairing our marriage. He grew more distant but I still tried. We had talked about divorce a few times over the year and I told him we could keep things civil and I would never keep the kids from him. He would just go about like nothing was wrong. Still he was distant. I had discovered in February that he was still in contact with this the OW he said he would only talk to her on occasion when he would see her at work. I then discovered he was buying her and her kids gifts. He said then confessed to having coffee with her on occasion. I then discovered that it was a full blown PA starting in March. I had to dig and dig and dig and Iím still not sure if I know everything. He is a very good liar and that scares me. Iíd like to reconcile but I just donít know how to get through this. Not only did he cause harm to our family but the OW left her husband in hopes that they could be together. I think she finally realized he wasnít going to leave me and ended things. He says itís over and is definitely acting more loving and affectionate towards me. I canít stop thinking of the OW I want to destroy her reputation let the world know how awful she is. But my husband is no different. I read a chain of emails and he was telling her he loved her and was waiting for the right time to leave me. I can only imagine what other horrible things he said about me. Iíve spoken with the OW ex husband and he found out last March he said he wanted to reach out and tell me but knew the pain it would cause me and my children so he didnít. Is it possible to forgive such a horrible thing. Will I stop wanting to ruin the other women?

Marie2792 posted 3/24/2019 10:44 AM

Itís pretty quiet here on the weekends but welcome to the club no one wants to be a part of.

First thing is most cheaters are great liars. They will only admit to what you can prove, most of the time it isnít a lot. Just keep in mind when making your decisions, you will never know everything that took place, including what may or may not have been said about you and your marriage to the OW. I would recommend that you find a good counselor for yourself so you have a safe and healthy way to express your feelings.

About the OW? Itís nice to want to ruin her, I myself dabbled in that somewhat successfully. Not my proudest moments but I would do it again if I had to go back five years. I would alert their HR department so maybe sheís fired, but your WH May be a casualty as well. He should not be working there anyway if she is still there.

It doesnít seem like heís remorseful yet. You canít reconcile with a partner who isnít. Thatís not to say that he wonít take his head out of his ass but right now you have to focus on you and your kids.

FEEL posted 3/24/2019 11:05 AM

The issue is NOT the other woman. The issue is your WH. If it wasn't for your WH's actions the other woman wouldn't exist. As someone who has been there you can spend a LOT of wasted energy thinking about the OW. Think about it this way, let's say you destroy the OW's reputation. Does that fix the issues within your WH and stop him from doing this again with some other OW?

As someone who went through 2 As and is now D, and who been working on healing myself, I can't speak for anyone else's situation, but I sense that the ability and chances of a successful R are largely affected by what happens in the process of discovering the A in the first place. The shorter and quicker the path to full disclosure and disclosure by the WS leads to a better chance of R and moving forward in the relationship. Upon reflection it seems like every obstacle along the way reduces the odds. Some more than others. ie. if the WS tells you about the A then the chances are better. If you are the one to discover the A the odds are worse. And things continue from there. If there's lots of TT then the odds go down with each and every TT. If there are lies the odds go down with each and every one. If it doesn't go right in the early stages there can be no odds left in which to work with.

Healforme posted 3/24/2019 11:26 AM

They donít work together she is a customer of his. (Retail) he says she hasnít been in for over a month now. He has blocked her number on his phone so she can no longer contact him. I feel he is remorseful and we are doing a marriage bootcamp program. He said he is willing to do whatever I want. Right now I want to move and get as far from her as possible. We moved for his work so I have no family and only a few friends out here. He could transfer back to where most of my family is. I am trying to wait at least 3 months before making any decisions on divorce or not. So I am doing my best to work on forgiving him. Either way Iíll need to forgive him for myself. No matter what this man will be in my life until my children are grown. Iím just having such a hard time sleeping and not thinking about it all day. Itís extremely annoying and exhausting.

Shocked123 posted 3/24/2019 16:06 PM

healforme,
You can't try to fix this on your own. I recommend IC for both of you. Don't let him talk you into MC where he will find all sorts of excuses as to why he had this A. Many of them will point to something you did wrong and you will awful about yourself and feel that you are the cause.
Instead, have him find an IC so he can figure out why he felt he didn't think he was doing anything wrong and find your own IC to discuss the trauma this has caused you and where you see yourself in this marriage past, present and future.
When you feel stronger, dabble in MC but not until you can hold your own and can think clearly.
Take your time. He took his time while destroying your marriage so you can take your time to evaluate the situatlon and eventually heal.
You don't have to pretend all is good again or forgive him right now. You have no obligation to forgive him.
As for moving away from this woman, unfortunately until you can understand why your H allowed himself this A, he may simply find a substitute in the next town.
In other words, that particular woman is not the problem. The problem is that he chose to begin an A and continue it while justfying it somehow.
He chose his actions and now it's time for the consequences of his actions. Moving away will not take care of the problem.
The problem is coming along with you if you move. It's him...
Good luck and keep in touch.

totallydumb posted 3/24/2019 16:54 PM

As someone else said, it is NOT the OW, it is your husband. You did not make any commitments with the OW. You took an oath with your WH.

If is wasn't this other woman, it would have been some other one. Your WH is your main issue, not the other woman, focus on him and yourself.

manofintegrity posted 3/24/2019 21:19 PM

If you donít out their A far and wide, file for divorce, make him suffer some harsh consequences, he will continue his cheating ways. Why should men change their poor behavior when most women have enabled them for thousands of years. All of their family and friends have gotten away with it.

Many think that we should not go after the OM or OW. Sorry, if someone tries to destroy my marriage and family, they are going to regret their poor decisions for a long time. Yes, my wife was responsible and her reputation is ruined too. Those are the consequences. I was not married to that POS preacher for 30 years, and he got off lightly. Besides we as men are supposed to be the strong leaders, setting the example. Itís amazing how they turn into weak arse liars, blaming their wife or their AP or both when they get busted by a BH. Wouldnít it be nice if theyíd take it like a real man.

[This message edited by manofintegrity at 7:22 PM, March 25th (Monday)]

The1stWife posted 3/25/2019 06:31 AM

I understand the anger and hate you have towards OW.

It will subside. Eventually. As you process the Affair and trauma you will move away from the OW who niwcsooears to be divorced or divorcing and no longer with your CH.

Get your support team together- counselor, SI - maybe one trusted friend. It will help you face and process the trauma.

I would not make any decisions on D or R for awhile. You may be too emotionally charged right now to think clearly (I know I was). Give it 90 days at least - after some good counseling sessions you may be in a calmer frame of mind.

Ag123 posted 3/25/2019 12:54 PM

I could have written this same post about my WH. I am about 6 weeks past DDay. He confessed to the A after the OW's husband found out about the affair and threatened to expose it to me. 80% of what I know about the A I had to dig up and then confront him. In the beginning he would look me in the eyes and lie until I showed him proof. After he started IC he has told me a couple of facts that I never would have known which did help a little. I have seen only a few emails and text that didn't get erased before I found them and they are crushing. He says he only says those things because he needed to say them to keep the AP. She wanted more a more emotional connection. Working with my IC what I am struggling with the most is how do I know that he isn't also just telling me what I want to hear so that I don't leave. How do you know when they are such accomplished liars? I guess I don't have any advice unfortunately. I just wanted to you to know that you aren't alone.

BeingheldbyJesus posted 3/25/2019 13:48 PM

Be careful. They could have taken it underground. It happens a lot. Don't let your guard down just because he is being more loving and affectionate. He knows you are on to him.... He is going to be on his best behavior while he makes plans with her. You said you read that they were planning on being together. Why is she suddenly out of his life? Most OW don't give up that easily especially if they divorce their husbands for the OM. I just read a thread where the APs had burner phones. There are many ways for them to still communicate. Again, do not let your guard down. Be vigilant. I honestly do not think that it is over. Most waywards do not come out of the fog that quickly and easily.

BeingheldbyJesus posted 3/25/2019 13:53 PM

Ag123,
I struggle with the whole thing that my WH is such an accomplished liar and I read what he told her and I saw how he professed such love to her and they were soulmates and he would always be there for her and how quickly he dumped her when I found out and forced him to fire her. He has always told me the same garbage he told her but he cheated on me.... He threw me away for her and then threw her away for me. He is back to saying all those things to me again. I don't believe a word my WH tells me. Why would I?

Beatrice2017 posted 3/25/2019 16:00 PM

I understand how you feel what you are feeling is normal. At first the thought of forgiveness is hard to imagine. Yet It is possible to forgive. In order to forgive, we have to understand that forgiving is realizing that someone else's mistake is not going to poison us. That is what unforgiveness does, it festers inside us and brings pain. Once we let go of the pain, then we are able to move forward.
It probably won't do much good to smear the OW, people like that do not care about their reputation and it probably won't make you feel any better.
Have you considered going to marriage counseling? If you do look for someone with a reputation for helping marriages heal.

Healforme posted 3/25/2019 17:00 PM

I guess I donít know 100% if they are completely through or not. He is being open. it would be very hard for him to see her with how closely I am keeping tabs on him now. Plus I am in contact with her ex husband and she apparently tells him everything and he says that it is over. I am just trying to process things every day. I am very close to my H mom and this would kill her. I feel such a burden to keep this a secret. I have only told my mom and brother. I felt like someone should know. Everyone I know thinks so highly of my H and the OW she pretends to be a good innocent Christian. It really makes me sick that people think they are these good morally sound people.

Ag123 posted 3/26/2019 09:19 AM

BeingheldbyJesus, it seems as though we are married to the same man. I am trying to watch his actions because I really can't trust anything that he says right now. He has been on his best behavior, more helpful around the house and with the kids than at any point of our marriage. I found out a couple of things that he doesn't know that I know and he definitely has not been forthcoming about everything. I think he thinks he has everything deleted and walled off so that I can't find out anymore. I think that part of it is that he thinks if I find out anything more I will leave him with the kids. I am beginning to think that he is a cake eater, that he probably really does love me and our life and the kids, but something in him needs to have his cake and eat it too. They are working on a lot of things in his IC, I just hope they can actually make progress.

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