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Not sure what to do.

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Sean91 posted 3/19/2019 20:52 PM

Iíll start from the beginning I was taken advantage of when I was younger. I think is what lead me to porn. So then I got married had two kids then I stoped a couple years after that. My wife found out about the porn over 2 years ago. She never forgave me. I tried everything. Nothing was good enough. I read books. I got more envolved in church. I repented. I gave her all the room she needed. So for about 5 months she had been talking to some guy on a fitness board. She became interment with him then met him in person. She told me the day after what happened. I tried to forgive her but I just canít get over some guy putting his hands all over my wife. I work so hard for my family. But maybe I deserve what I got. Iím an emotional wreck. What can I do to fix my life?

firenze posted 3/19/2019 21:04 PM

No, you don't deserve this. Your wife is a massive hypocrite for shaming and berating you over something as trivial as watching porn and then going and having an affair.

What you do from here is stop worrying about your wife and start focusing on you. Don't accept any blame for her decision to cheat and don't make any attempts to please or placate her. Right now your focus needs to be on your own healing from the trauma that she has inflicted on you. On the upper left of the screen you'll see The Healing Library in the yellow box. Click on it and go to the BS FAQ. It's a good starting point. As for your life at home, please make sure you're getting enough to eat and getting sleep when you can. Tell your wife you need her to get a full STD panel done and if you've had sex with her since her confession, get one for yourself too. If you need space from her, don't hesitate to tell her that you want her to move out and stay with her family or friends for the time being.

[This message edited by firenze at 9:05 PM, March 19th (Tuesday)]

Sean91 posted 3/19/2019 21:10 PM

Thanks so much. But I love her so much. We have kids together. I want things to work out. However I get triggered so easily now. I didnít even know what triggers were until last year. Now I live by them.

manofintegrity posted 3/19/2019 21:18 PM

I hope she is transparent with everything. Good luck.

Sean91 posted 3/19/2019 21:23 PM

Iím pretty sure she is but I feel like she still has feelings for him. Hopefully that is all in my head. But I do know she still has never forgave me for me looking at porn even though I totally repented and went the other way. Iíll never understand how you could not forgive someone who is so sorry for the pain they caused.

firenze posted 3/19/2019 21:24 PM

I know you love her, otherwise you wouldn't be devastated and you wouldn't be here. It's horrible to have someone we love so much do something like this to us and it puts us in a world of pain we didn't know existed before.

However, and I'm telling you this knowing that your heart will scream at you to resist the idea even as your head recognizes its validity, right now your wife is neither your friend nor your ally, nor is she loving you. Trying to please and play nice with someone who betrays you does not make them love you again. It's called the "pick me" dance and it only drives them further away because it makes you look weak and pathetic. Similarly, if you make it known that you want to work it out from the get-go and commit to it before your wayward wife has even been held accountable and experienced consequences for her cheating, you're showing her that she doesn't need to do anything to make amends, understand your pain, or improve herself so that she's no longer a judgmental cheating hypocrite.

As much as you love your wife, and as much as you want to make it work for the sake of your kids, the truth is that your home is broken and has been since your wife started wielding your guilt about porn as a weapon to bludgeon you with to keep you on the moral low ground. By having an affair, she broke it even further. She has to be held accountable for these things and do the work to fix herself and become a better person, otherwise things will only get worse between you two and your children will feel that.

pureheartkit posted 3/19/2019 21:44 PM

First let me say I'm sorry you were abused as a young person. That is so sad and should never never happen.

My WS fixed on porn and it put a distance between us. In my mind it's going to hurt your partners feelings especially if they tell you it's hurtful to them. That's no excuse for her actions however.

She shouldn't be talking up someone or meeting them. That's infidelity territory. You should be putting your rules in place. You have every right to ask for all passwords, right to see texts, etc.
Knowing where she is, who she's talking to. Don't be soft here. Be strong. Let her know how serious this is. She really has to see it from you that this isn't going to happen again .

She needs to figure out why she chose this decision and what she's going to do to work on herself, her desire for outside attention and how is she going to strengthen your bond now. This is big stuff and she needs to really look into why she did what she did. It wasn't because of anything you did or didn't do. She used her free will and acted.

Mene posted 3/19/2019 22:04 PM

Let me try and get this right: your wife cheating on you with another man because you watched porn? WTF? Look, nothing excuses any spouse from cheating on another (they can get a divorce from you). But the porn excuse is ridiculous.

[This message edited by Mene at 10:04 PM, March 19th (Tuesday)]

Sean91 posted 3/19/2019 22:05 PM

Thanks firenze and pureheartkit. I am a very Christian person and setting up walls is totally against what I believe. However I think you may be on to something about her not having to do anything to fix this. When I did wrong I want her to forgive me so bad but she never would so when she did what she did I just wanted to love her through it as Jesus would. I may have made a mistake on trying to make it easy. It seems like it is always poor her. So how does one desire which path is next. Life with her in pain or life without her in pain?

Sean91 posted 3/19/2019 22:07 PM

You are correct mene. Thatís how I feel too. But I really must have destroyed her when I looked at porn. I try to figure out she must feel. But as a guy I guess I just canít

Mene posted 3/19/2019 22:17 PM

If every wife had an affair because their husband viewed porn, 95% would be cheaters. There is no doubt that excessive use of porn is not healthy, but most men view porn (some sporadically, others excessively). This is a poor excuse she is using. Even if youíre an excessive user of porn, she should help you overcome it not have an affair. How does that help anyone?

RubixCubed posted 3/19/2019 22:19 PM

You looking at porn was NOT the reason she had sex with another man. She might say it is, but that is called blameshifting and is utter bullshit. She had an affair because she wanted to, plain and simple. If you play the pick me game and sweep it under the rug she will have more of them, bet on it. She won't change without consequences for her actions. As it stands you are rewarding her for her actions by trying to "win her back". It never works. Also as a Christian, you realize that infidelity is just biblical cause for divorce right?

pureheartkit posted 3/19/2019 22:48 PM

Yes, I forgive my partner for his action too because I believe in forgiveness and that each one of us has the ability and obligation to be the very best we can. We are all here to try our best. To be loving and understanding and forgiving. We are here to bring out the best in each other. When we do that, we grow in spirit.

People lose their way. They get distracted and selfish. They forget to be humble and they forget to be grateful. They can be hurtful. People in infidelity are on an ego high. They are enjoying a brain chemical experience that is intense and they want to keep it going. Infidelity feels different than everyday life. It's the land of fantasy. There are no problems to face there. The best parts are magnified and the worst parts are minimised or dismissed. It's something that also brings guilt and sadness and unhappy memories. That part unfortunately lasts longer than the buzz.

WS here will tell you that they regret ever getting into that situation and wish they could take it back but while they were doing it they felt the intense emotional pull and the rush of excitement. The best thing is to go completely no contact. That's the best to snap out of the feelings and to help the betrayed spouse. All the WS say immediate no contact is the very best thing.

Some were asked to leave and that put it in perspective pretty quickly. They had to choose and not sit on the fence. Your W must make it clear that you are her # 1 and your feelings are the priority. You're not there to forgive her no matter what. There must be respect and empathy and solid boundaries. She chose to honor you. Her loyalty is to your family.

I'm a big softy, I did it all wrong in the beginning. All it got me was they talked more and lied more. It's true what everyone here says. You have to stand strong for what's right. Even if you forgive in your heart as I do, don't let this pass without expecting to see some real change in attitude and making amends for the hurt she caused. And there must be complete honesty. No more hiding anything. You face life together and nothing is hidden from the other.

We're all here for you. It's tough to go through these feelings.

Sean91 posted 3/19/2019 23:07 PM

This is a lot of info. I really do appreciate it. Pureheart. How do I be strong and not be envolved with my spouse? I canít just leave or make her leave. We would have no where to go. And what if that makes her want to be comforted by someone else? And what about my babies. They are 5 and three. They wouldnít know whatís going on. It would kill there little hearts if I wasnít there to pick them up from the babysitters everyday. They are too innocent to have their parents splitting up. Iím so confused.

firenze posted 3/19/2019 23:33 PM

Sean, my daughter was right around the same age as your kids when I discovered my ex-wife's affair. Unlike you, there was no possibility of reconciliation for me. She had already initiated a separation under false pretenses (basically blamed me for every single thing wrong with our marriage) and was pushing for divorce when DDay happened so that she could start to bring her relationship with her AP out into the open with plausible deniability about how their relationship got started. When I found out she'd been having an affair, that she had been lying to me and her parents for months on end, and that she was intent on leaving me for her AP, I knew there was no chance I could ever forgive that level of betrayal and I gave her the divorce she was looking for.

My daughter's confusion was heartbreaking. She would always ask me when we were going home when she was at my apartment. She wanted to know why there was some other man living at my house. She promised to be good and follow all the rules if I promised to come home. She was and still is far too young to understand why her mother and I aren't together anymore and why we never will be again.

However, in time she did adjust. She accepts the fact that her mommy and daddy can't be together anymore. She understands that mommy broke some very important promises she made to daddy. She's used to having two bedrooms in two different places and having two different birthday parties and doing the holidays separately. I still hate what my ex did to us and to my daughter, but the situation we're in now is so much better than the cold, loveless shitshow our home became during my ex's affair. I'm actually happy again most of the time, and my daughter sees that and responds to it. We have fun together. There are no more somber, silent dinners where I sit there wondering why my wife is ignoring me and spending the whole meal either on her phone or fussing with my daughter's plate. I'm no longer constantly boiling over with frustration from my wife undermining me every time rules need to be reiterated or discipline needs to be invoked.

Being under a roof with a spouse who has no love or respect for you is not only horrible for you, but for your children as well. Once I had some time to heal and my daughter had time to adjust, things became so much better for us individually and together.

And what if that makes her want to be comforted by someone else?

If she does that, then you know without a doubt that she's not worth reconciling with. You cannot drive her into another man's arms. She made that choice once and that's 100% on her. If she does it again, it's still 100% on her. You can't control her, you can only make it clear that you will not tolerate her behavior and that failure to own up to what she's done and put in the work to fix it and make amends with you will result in divorce.

pureheartkit posted 3/19/2019 23:34 PM

Sorry, I meant no contact with the other man, not you. You should both be talking this through.I wasn't suggesting you throw her out. I think you should see where she's at. If she thinks shes in love with someone, she can't just go on like that, she has to start to think clearly. I did say some WS did snap out of it when their spouse asked them to choose the marriage or leave. Sadly, some wives did choose to leave. I know you don't want that. I know you want a together healthy family.

Frustratingly, you can't just be nice and excuse it without some serious talk and expect things to go back to happy. Most partners need a firm expectation of what will be the consequences if they share intimacy and intense interest outside the marriage. She can't do that as your wife. It's hurtful. It destroys the trust and caring. It erodes the self confidence and well being of the BS. All I know is that letting it go doesn't lead to healing. There has to be clear expectations, and she needs to affirm her desire to meet them. No waffling, no excuses.

Are you afraid she might go if you ask for these? That's what held me back but after hurting and them keeping on, I found my voice and asked for what was right. I was ready to let him go rather than live like that. I was dying inside.

[This message edited by pureheartkit at 11:43 PM, March 19th (Tuesday)]

40YOSL posted 3/20/2019 01:40 AM

I'm so sorry for the situation you find yourself in. I fully understand you desire to R but your WW needs to be "all in" when it comes to helping you heal and discovering why she had the A. Is she claiming she had the A because of your prior porn habit?

As to your previous porn usage, were you merely viewing porn or were you actually interacting with another person on a call line or on a webcam? If you were interacting with another person then it's MHO that is very similar to hiring a prostitute to give you a special show where you tell them how you want them to perform but you won't actually touch them.

If you were merely viewing pictures or video that had been posted on a website then her reaction was very extreme. I saw a study in Psychology Today which was a survey of over 1,000 persons in a relationship and 98% of the men reported they had viewed porn within the previous 6 months.

Have you exposed your WW's A to anyone? I think you you should consider at least exposing to her family.

Marz posted 3/20/2019 03:35 AM

Fear is a liar stop letting that control you.

Your wayward wife is a hypocrit.

RocketRaccoon posted 3/20/2019 04:30 AM

I am a very Christian person and setting up walls is totally against what I believe.

Not too sure what part of the religion teaches this. Can you please expand on what you mean by 'totally against what I believe'?

When I did wrong I want her to forgive me so bad

This is remorse. It is taking ownership of your actions, and taking actions to make your Betrayed Spouse (BS) feel safe with you again.

I just wanted to love her through it as Jesus would.

If you take out the reference of Jesus, and substitute it with 'a loving spouse'.... BTW, blind faith is just as dangerous as blind trust, or blind love. All are blind, and you can walk into a wall, or fall into a pit. Keep at least one eye open.

I may have made a mistake on trying to make it easy.

This is doing the 'Pick Me' dance. It is a dance done by quite a few BS, so don't sweat it. You were desperate to get her back, so you did what you thought was right, to 'woo' her back. Problem is, it is not the right thing to do. In fact, you should be doing what is referred to as the 180.

It seems like it is always poor her.

Another typical behaviour, but this time, in Wayward Spouses (WS). They make themselves out to be the victim, so that they will get he attention form the BS. This is sometimes done to confuse the BS, and guilt the BS into thinking it is the fault of the BS. This behaviour is not to be tolerated, as it will feed the ego of the WS, and destroy what little is left of the BS.

So how does one desire which path is next.

When did you find out? Very recently? If it is recent, then you don't have to make up your mind immediately. Your emotions are tumbling about, and the confused emotions can lead you to the incorrect path. You also should not wait for too long (e.g. 6mths). Some say 90days, but it could be sooner if you feel that you are able to think clearly.

Once you are able to think clearly, you will then have to observe how much she wants to be in the Marriage with you. Act deaf, but open your eyes. See what she does, and does it tie-in with what is coming out from her mouth. Lies are common currency of a WS, so be wary. Do not forgive too fast.

If your WS shows consistent actions that match her words of wanting to Reconcile, then it is up to you if you are able to accept it. Your clear thinking brain will be able to guide you then.

Life with her in pain or life without her in pain?

That will depend on you. What are you able to deal with? Has her issues been resolved? I do hope you realise that she does have issues, and she will need to see an Individual Counseler (IC) to deal with them. If they are not resolved, this may well happen again.... and again....

Will not go into whether porn is worse than cheating or not. This is not the issue. The issue is that she has cheated, and has she given you a written timeline of how it happened? Am sure that it was not just one time. She is possibly minimising the number of times and the intensity of her A.

She will need to open up her life 100% to you. Nothing is 'personal' anymore. All email accounts, social media, telecommunications are open season for you to check on, anytime you want, as often as you want. Any push-back on these will mean that she is still protecting/hiding something.

LtCdrLost posted 3/20/2019 06:15 AM

Your becoming involved with pornography is in no way equivalent to your wife having a physical affair with another man. Do NOT allow yourself to become convinced of this by anyone. I wish you the best in extricating yourself from your wayward wife's infidelity.

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 6:15 AM, March 20th (Wednesday)]

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