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Do I forgive

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fareast posted 3/15/2019 11:01 AM

I want to second xhz700. Absolutely send those pictures to her H. If you want to stop all of this crap in its tracks expose them.

[This message edited by fareast at 8:39 AM, March 16th (Saturday)]

FEEL posted 3/15/2019 11:20 AM


I threatened my husband that if he spoke to her again I would send all messages and pictures to her husband.

I find this statement very interesting in many respects.

1) Firstly why not just tell? If the situation was reversed, wouldn't you want to know?
2) Go ahead an threaten him, but how would you know 100% that he hasn't talked to her behind your back?
3) Based upon my own experience and reading these forum, I would wager that even if you did find out there is a 90% chance you wouldn't tell which would send another big message to him there is no consequences to his behavior and just make it that much easier for him to proceed. You are already doing this by not having told the neighbor already.

tushnurse posted 3/15/2019 11:52 AM

Kathy - Why haven't you told him to this point?

1Faith posted 3/15/2019 12:04 PM

Does the OW know you know about the A?

Why would she possibly think you would talk to her?

Agree 100% with the others...you must tell her husband. If he knew and you didn't wouldn't you want him to tell you?

(((good luck)))

pureheartkit posted 3/15/2019 12:15 PM

Telling the other spouse is a fast way to stop an affair. It's one of the most powerful tools you have. Don't threaten, just do it calmly. Offer to give all those pictures to him and be done with her. She should not be in your marriage any longer. The magic is gone once it's not a secret and they face their partners.

trustedg posted 3/15/2019 12:30 PM

Your neighbor may be totally unaware of his wife's activities. Your WH and his AP have exposed you both to STDs and you both need to be tested. Please tell the guy so he can protect himself.

Forgive him? He needs to be remorseful, take responsibility for his actions, he obviously isn't there yet. Get IC (individual counseling) for you and suggest he does too. Skip MC for now. Get "Not Just Friends" and "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair", both quick reads, read them then give them to WH. Get STD testing ASAP. See an attorney now, see what your options are.

22 years of marriage is a long time. It is possible to reconcile after infidelity but both spouses need to work very hard for it. If he isn't interested, or is not ready, you can't do it on your own.

manofintegrity posted 3/15/2019 13:25 PM

Look around the country, in my local churches, in my local schools, in my local law enforcement...Infidelity and child abuse is running rampant.

Guess who the repeat offenders/the serial cheaters are most of the cases?

MEN. You know why? Because women let us get away with it, with few to no consequences. Society makes excuses for men and blames the evil seductress. Now, last I heard, we were supposed to be the leaders, the big strong men. It is amazing how men buckle when they get busted by a betrayed husband or their wife. Bust their arses!

inthedark99 posted 3/15/2019 14:14 PM

kathy1977,
gently, your husband is having an affair.
affairs survive when there is secrecy. remove the secrecy and you may have the opportunity to work towards recovery and reconciliation, and maybe one day forgiveness. you have previously swept it under the rug. you will keep ending up in the just found out forum if you donít blow it all up now.
reach out to the other betrayed spouse, and donít tell your husband you are doing that.
take control and remove yourself from your husbands infidelity.

MamaDragon posted 3/15/2019 14:33 PM

I don't want to say it but it is more than you are aware of, he is downplaying it. Trust me, if he says that they only exchanged pics and texts, they did three to four times what you have been told.

The first thing you need to do is make copies of the pics and either hand deliver or send them to *his* phone & email. She will be waiting on you to do this & will try to stop them from reaching him. You can also call him and tell him you sent them to him. **He deserves to know, 9 times out of 10 they already suspect. ***Your WH and his AP have made their bed, now they have to deal with the bed bugs too - ***YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT.

Second, see a lawyer to find out what your options are. You don't have to divorce BUT you can know what to expect, and scare the crap out of him at the same time. It also helps put the affair in the trash - I've always heard it is a shock to be handed possible divorce papers, child/spousal support and a post nup - then you give him all the papers and make him choose. Also, in some states you can sue for alienation of affection - make sure they are both aware of that.

Have him go and have an std panel done (you too) and you can also have him take a polygraph. Those are HARD to pass, I've observed many.

Have your WH write up a NO CONTACT email and have him send it to you, his AP and her spouse. That way there is no way to hide the affair - even if it is an EA. Tell him if she contacts him that you are to know immediately. No ifs, ands or buts about it.

You need to have 100% transparency, on all social media, electronic devices...and if he doesn't want to do all of the above, be prepared to lose the marriage. Sometimes losing the marriage is the way to save it.

In between all that, take the time to go through banking documents, cell phone bills, and credit cards. Sometimes they leave a paper trail.

Above all else, take care of yourself. Eat healthy - drink plenty of H2O, exercise (helps with stress) and get as much sleep as you can. See your doc if you need medical help for nerves too. You might look into IC and MC - it helped my marriage.

the folks here have great advice, and can pretty much tell you what his next moves/actions/lies will be. He will be in affair fog for a bit so expect him to still be....well the way he is. The 180 and the above though, will shock him. *Hugs*

cannotforgive posted 3/16/2019 03:00 AM

Kathy, you must send everything you have to her husband.

They will take their affair underground...You need to blow this thing up.

And when she messaged you asking you why you do not talk to her, I would have been so tempted to answer-I do not talk to whores.
But do not do that. No contact at all times.

Dragonfly123 posted 3/16/2019 07:46 AM

Hi Kathy Iím so sorry youíre here. Those initial few weeks of discovery of an affair are just awful, you are in shock. Especially after trusting this man for so very long. You know that this is an affair, even though itís hard to see it at first.

You need to make the OBS (other betrayed spouse) aware of those texts and pictures. Not only to blow the affair up from your point of view but for this manís sake. I donít know of one betrayed who says they wish they had not known. Living a lie (when youíre entirely unaware but others know) is heartbreaking.

Read read and read again in the healing library. Read up on the 180 and try to get some head space to think through your next moves. Drink water, eat good food, spend time with the people who love you, take care of you.

Iím sending virtual hugs. Keep posting you have this wonderful community behind you!

HouseOfPlane posted 3/16/2019 08:38 AM

Kathy, on the forgiveness thing...

Forgiveness is about the past. You forgive things that have happened. Yes, you can forgive your husband for what he has done.

The problem is, he is still doing it. So that means after forgiving him, in another hour youíll need to forgive him again. And then another hour. And the next day. And so on.

Since it is ongoing, what you are really wanting to know is, should you look the other way. Not sweep the past under a rug. Look the other way.

No, you should not.

Sending strength!

steadychevy posted 3/16/2019 12:34 PM

Send the pictures. I don't know the legality but the OBS deserves to know for his own protection. It is an act of humanitarianism to inform him.

Kathy1977 posted 3/17/2019 18:05 PM

So I sent the husband pictures and text I have. I guess this is just something she does. Heís caught her twice said it was never anyone so close to home and heís done.

Freeme posted 3/17/2019 20:12 PM

It might not feel great right now but it was so good that you sent him those pictures and texts. Sounds like it's something she does and would continue doing if given more chances. Her husband deserved to know what was going on. What was your husbands reaction to you telling the OBS?

MamaDragon posted 3/18/2019 13:49 PM

I figured he was aware - sadly, he is ok with living like that. I wouldn't be.

What did your WH/AP say?

Any word on them not talking any longer?

How are you doing?

MamaDragon posted 3/18/2019 13:51 PM

**Meant he (AP's spouse) was ok living with her in the past....hopefully he leaves her for good now.
(hugs)

OptionedOut posted 3/18/2019 14:36 PM

I don't think he's giving you anything to work with.

They are not 'Just Friends.' You think it just stopped cold turkey? That a grown man says he loves someone who sends him nude photos without any physical contact and that person is next door?

And he wants you to forgive?

Don't let anyone tell you how to feel. Is the other person married? Tell their spouse. In fact, SHOW them the pictures.

Dragonfly123 posted 3/18/2019 15:47 PM

Kathy, you did the right thing. Youíve done all you can for the OBS.

Now back to you. Are you ok? Are you looking after yourself? How has your WH been?

Kathy1977 posted 3/18/2019 15:51 PM

My husband was actually the first to send pictures and text to her husband. I think it helped that I let him know I had an appointment for a divorce attorney. The OW is trying to convince both that I catfished my husband. But my husband knows the truth and so do I. Turns out sheís done this more then twice her husband told me she confessed to about 8 different men. She gets them to buy her things in exchange for promises of sexual favors he know has all the proof and evidence since heís taken her phone.

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