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Do I forgive

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Kathy1977 posted 3/13/2019 17:23 PM

So stumbled upon naked pictures of my neighbor on my husbands phone . When I did some more digging found 3 months of intensely erotic messages between the 2. My husband says it was just fantasy but a lot of I love youíd were exchanged. I found this in January he still continues to talk to her but swears it just as friends. Am I stupid for trying to fix our marriage of 22 years?

HouseOfPlane posted 3/13/2019 17:27 PM

Kathy, youíve been heard. So sorry you find yourself here.

You are never stupid for fighting for what you want, but if you are hoping things will fix themselves, that is not going to happen. There was life before you saw the pictures, and life after. To save your marriage you are going to have to take control. Status quo wonít work.

Keep posting...

Sending strength!

Kathy1977 posted 3/13/2019 17:36 PM

Weíve gone to marriage counseling but he doesnít like that are counselor basically told him itís his fault we are in this sit.

Fbtjax posted 3/13/2019 17:39 PM

Is this woman married? If so, tell her spouse.

You're not stupid for wanting to fix the marriage. Just don't try to do so unless he is fully committed, and everyone who needs to know what's going on is aware. He says it was just "fantasy", but cheaters have a habit of sharing as little as possible, minimizing the situation. Keep digging.

emergent8 posted 3/13/2019 17:48 PM

I'm sorry you are here.

Continuing to talk to someone that he had an affair with (whether the affair continues or not) is unacceptable. Let's be honest, if they're still talking, the affair has not ended.

If the affair has not ended, how can you possibly forgive him?

minusone posted 3/13/2019 20:27 PM

Your husband is having an affair. I am sorry to be so blunt. ((((Kathy1997)))

If he wants to be in contact with the OW that is his choice to make.

But it is your choice whether you will stay in a marriage where your husband is cheating on you. You deserve so much more than that. He is showing you no respect for your or for your marriage.

So right now take care of you. Get screened for STDS make sure that you tell the doctor why. Seek IC (individual counseling). Make sure that you eat, stay hydrated and get as much sleep as possible.

Put your focus on yourself and your own self-care with the 180 (it's in the Healing Library) and protect what is important to you by consulting a lawyer and separating your finances if his behaviour continues. You don't have to make decisions now, but you do have to take steps to protect yourself.

You can't begin to forgive or offer the gift of reconciliation if he is still in contact with the OW. His so called "fantasy" and his unwillingness to accept responsibility for his actions is not acceptable. There can't be three in a marriage...

Please read some of the links below.....

Tactical Primer

Great Posts for Newbies to Read

Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS

Before You Say Reconcile...

Before you say reconcile...Recover!

For the newly betrayed

For the foggy, unremorseful, cake eaters:
20/20 Hindsight: What I should have done when I J F O

Please keep reading and keep posting.

Sending you strenght.

The1stWife posted 3/13/2019 20:39 PM

He really wants you go rug sweep this and avoid facing g any consequences.

Do not allow it.

Buster123 posted 3/13/2019 21:35 PM

I'm sorry you're here but If you found naked pictures of her in your WH's phone, read lots of ILV's and she's a neighbor you can be they've had lots of sex, adults involved in A's don't just sext when in close proximity, they don't just hold hands, they have SEX. If you want to have a chance at saving the M, he needs to stop the A and commit to NC No Contact) FOREVER with her. If she's married or has a boyfriend you need to EXPOSE the A. Also consult a D attorney to know your legal options.

allusions posted 3/13/2019 23:26 PM

Weíve gone to marriage counseling but he doesnít like that are counselor basically told him itís his fault
It IS his fault. He made the decision to start an inappropriate relationship with another woman. This is at the very least an emotional affair, and possibly physical as well.

He needs to see an individual counselor to work on his issues and figure out why he thought it was ok to do this to you. Marriage counseling is a little premature, I think.

cannotforgive posted 3/14/2019 06:19 AM

To answer your question whether to forgive,the answer is NO.

Forgiveness is earned over time, not given as a gift to an un- remorseful cheater.

Sorry you are here. Please read in the Healing library, left hand corner in yellow.

[This message edited by cannotforgive at 10:16 AM, March 14th (Thursday)]

Kathy1977 posted 3/14/2019 10:58 AM

I know I know but Iíve been with him 22 years we have a family and up till a few weeks ago I thought everything was great.

emergent8 posted 3/14/2019 11:12 AM

Kathy, you're not stupid for WANTING to try to fix things, not one bit. But things can only be fixed if your SPOUSE also wants to fix things. This is up to him and unfortunately you cannot make him want to reconcile.

tushnurse posted 3/14/2019 12:34 PM

Welcome Cathy - I know this is really really hard.
But you need to step back from this situation a bit and consider what you would tell your sister, or a friend if given the information you have shared.

Your H was telling the neighbor "ILY" and sexting.
Your H is still in contact w/ her but "Just as friends"
Your H is telling you that is was fantasy.
Your H is angry and unwilling to own his actions - MC told him it was his fault and now he doesn't like MC.
Your H is doing nothing to change what he was doing/ going to do to prove he is safe other than lie to you some more.

Now given those facts what would you tell a friend.
No do not forgive him, you can't forgive what you don't know what you are forgiving, and in this case I would bet my lunch there was some physical aspect of this that he hasn't owned because you don't have proof.

What should you do? Fight for your M.
Demand better from him. Set boundaries, and prepare to enforce some consequences.

While each episode of infidelity is unique there are some universal truths that Cheaters follow and there are some universal truths to what Betrayed spouses do.

1. BS (Betrayed spouses) generally are really anxious to save the M and move forward. However if your spouse is still in contact the A (affair) is not over. PERIOD.
2. While afraid to set some boundaries and limitations due to fear of your M ending, understand that your M as you previously knew it is now over. HE did this. NOT YOU.
3. You deserve better and the only way you will get it is if you demand it.

Along with the advice of telling her spouse (if she has one) I recommend that you get STD tested and demand he do as well. IF he didn't have sex he will jump at the chance to prove his innocence. If he throws a fit, well you can bet there is more you need to find out.
Also please go see an attorney. Learn your rights, and his obligations because if he doesn't start owning his shit and being truthful you need to know where you stand in the world so you act with smarts and strength.

Keep reading, Keep posting.

((((And Strength)))

[This message edited by tushnurse at 12:38 PM, March 14th (Thursday)]

backtonormal posted 3/14/2019 13:35 PM

So sorry you are here in this forum and going through this. I agree with many of the other posts. If you're husband is not willing to completely cut off communication with the other woman which should be the first step to reconciliation then I'm not sure you can "save" your marriage. It takes the work and effort of both spouses to make that happen. If your husband is not willing to show any remorse for his actions then that's a problem.
You asked if you should forgive - I personally think the answer to that is a resounding "yes". It's not easy and you have to make sure you don't confuse forgiveness with forgetting or more importantly trust. But forgiveness, whether he apologizes or not is for your benefit. He made a mistake (even if he doesn't own up to that) you can still recognize it as his mistake and forgive him. By not forgiving the saying goes something like, "when you don't forgive it's like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." The unforgiveness just eats away at you. Like I said, it does NOT mean that you trust him. That is earned and takes a lot of work and time to get that trust built back, if ever.
I had also been married 22 years when I found out my husband was having an affair. Thankfully, he immediately broke off all ties with the OW, we went through lots of lots of counseling, we had open communication and I had full access to his phones, emails, etc. It was a long, hard road but we worked hard because we both wanted out marriage to work. That was a little over 10 years ago and we are be celebrating our 33rd anniversary in a couple of months. We are best friends, we enjoy each other, we love each other, we are partners in every way. So it's possible to save your marriage but it'll take both of you. You're not stupid for wanting to make it work. I'll be praying for you and your marriage.

1Faith posted 3/14/2019 16:49 PM

he still continues to talk to her

Uhm no. He is no longer allowed to talk to her period. That has to be the first demand you make.

NC with her at all. EVER.

It is not stupid to want to try and save your marriage but don't do it at your own expense. He gets to go back to his happy life and you get to try to come to terms that your husband was unfaithful to you.

He doesn't like the counselor because he is being held accountable for his actions.

He is still lying and minimizing his deceit.

Start to focus on you. You need to decide what you will and will not tolerate going forward. Don't let him have the power to dictate how this plays out. Don't be his doormat, his plan B.

Is the OW married?

Hang in there you can get through this. You can.

(((sending hugs and prayers)))

self-rescuer posted 3/14/2019 17:18 PM

I know I know but Iíve been with him 22 years we have a family and up till a few weeks ago I thought everything was great.

Sweet Kathy - this is why SI exists. We all have faced that initial gut punch and resulting shock. We all just wanted life as we knew it to resume. We all know your confusion, disbelief and devastation.

There are many tough realities headed your way and for that I am deeply sorry.

One thing is for sure - you are many many months away from forgiveness. Sweetie - at this point you don't even know what you need to forgive.

Try to pace yourself because this will be a slog. And as hard as it is to read what people will post, please remember that the people of SI have walked this path and only want to help you achieve a successful outcome.

Gunnut posted 3/14/2019 18:11 PM

It was an affair ! My wife initially admitted to only an EA and only admitted to a PA later. I found the level of pain to be the same. Cheaters lie, so donít be too quick to believe that nothing happened.

Do you still love him ? Do you have kids ? If the answer to either of those questions are no, Iíd recommend D. If he wonít go NC with his AP, the decision to D is already made for you. Iím sorry for your pain. You didnít deserve this.

brkn_heartd posted 3/14/2019 21:10 PM

I am so sorry you are others said, this is an affair, and he is only admitting to what you know. You can bet sex as been involved as he is minimizing. Expect he will blame you didn't pay him enough attention, you ignored him, you did cook his favorite meal, you made him feel other words, he will try to make this about you. However, it is not about is about him. About his failure as a partner and failure to stay true to you. His actions are all on him...he chose to do this. He CANNOT have any contact with her if you have any hope of reconciliation. However, you need to expect that he will also tell you he quit, but take it under ground. IT is a horrible place to FWH did the same thing...the ILY, the texting, sexting, my fault, hiding, taking under is all pretty classic.

Honestly, marriage counseling does nothing until he wants to change and will change. Been there and done are pouring your emotions out but yet he is still lying and talking with his lover....nope...I would not do that again.

For now...insist on no contact and if he fails to do that....draw the line in the sand. That is so hard to do...I know...but try! YOu do not have to make a decision now...but you can stand up for yourself.

You were referenced some is wonderful stuff to help you heal.

Kathy1977 posted 3/15/2019 10:42 AM

Thank you all for your support. I have pretty much told my husband we canít heal if heís still talking to ow. So now she has started messat me wanting to know why I wonít talk to her. I threatened my husband that if he spoke to her again I would send all messages and pictures to her husband.

xhz700 posted 3/15/2019 10:52 AM

You should absolutely send those pictures to her husband. She's reaching out to you because she knows that she's in the shit, and she wants to cover this up.

You should blow this entire thing up.

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