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Scoobydoo posted 3/25/2019 09:10 AM

Thank you Stevesn,
I had hoped he would change his mind at some point as it has happened once before, I had GC after tragically losing my mum 11 yrs ago, what started out as counselling for just me then turned to the whole family as I lost control in all aspects of LIFE, family life, & living in general, It was the best thing for myself & our children. I had hoped my H gained something from it aswell...but now I'm not so sure!

He's in NC as it was a ONS, but I'm still in the dark as to where the masturbation videos & private pictures he took were sent & to whom he sent them, will I ever know? still so many unanswered questions even after all this time...sorry I'm rambling!

I'll wait to see if he brings it up again & go from there maybe

thank you for sharing your opinion with me I'm very grateful for any guidance

MamaDragon posted 3/25/2019 09:10 AM

He is afraid that by going to IC you are going to find your voice and he won't be able to get away with things.

He is afraid his way of life is changing - and it is. The wool is no longer blinding you to how he is. You still love him but are very angry and hurt. He can feel you pulling away - which as a BS that is normal. You need to heal, and you need to remind him that while you have chosen at this time to remain you will not rug sweep and pretend that everything is dandy. You need to remind him that he did this to you, so he needs to give you the time, patience and understanding while you reconcile who he is with who you thought he was.

(hugs) stay strong, he is used to you giving in and going with his flow. You have put a roadblock on that flow and he doesn't get it yet. I strongly urge him to go to IC - not yours of course.

Scoobydoo posted 3/25/2019 09:20 AM

Sadly I think you are right MD,

I'm no longer walking around blind, I think for the first time I do actually see him for who he is, he knows I'm not attracted to him in this new light & I definitely don't respect the man I see in front of me, I used to think he was my big, bold as brass hero, my best friend, now all I'm seeing is a very weak selfish man thats had way to many dummies & toys to throw away!
Time will tell if he's gonna be ALL IN

Stevesn posted 3/25/2019 09:27 AM

Honestly so sad. Cuz if he actually wants to be with you and have you see him that way again, the path to get there is thru him doing the hard work and making you proud again to be his wife.

But disappointing that he sees doing that work as being weak when itís actually NOT doing it that shows you how less of a man he truly is.

I hope he makes the right decisions. Honestly itís his only way to instill that pride in him for both you and your kids.

Scoobydoo posted 3/25/2019 11:27 AM

I have actually used that to describe how I've been feeling, he seems to be pissed at himself for "letting me down" & "disappointing me" so maybe we're on the same path...who knows, he changes his mind like the bloody wind atm...I'm pretty positive its in hope that I "cave" in some way, so things can go back to his 'normal'


MamaDragon posted 3/25/2019 12:56 PM

Oh yeah, he doesn't know how to act since you are standing tall so he is reverting to behavior that has worked in the past.

It is always amusing to me to see a WS scrambling to get their power back once a BS has had enough. Are you implementing a tailored 180 towards him?

Keep up that inner strength, he either bows to your wishes or you show him that you will survive and thrive without him.

Stevesn posted 3/25/2019 13:54 PM

Honestly, you say you want to work on things, but to me, the best approach would be to tell him you are not willing to start working on things until he has 8 or more sessions of IC behind him.

Tell him figuring it out for himself may work for him, but it doesnít work for you.

But you have to be willing to show him that you will be ďmoving onĒ if he doesnít take action and find someone to help him.

Honestly you shouldnít settle for less than you need to stay in a relationship with him. State your minimum requirements and tell him you are no longer interested in discussing anything until he has met all of them, not just some of them.

You had no say in whether or not he should cheat. So get your say in now.

Define your deal breakers and donít commit to working on things until he delivers on the minimum you need.

If I were the WS, Iíd try to do 10x the minimum I was being asked for to prove my love.

Scoobydoo posted 3/26/2019 00:57 AM

I feel so sick...woke up crying, when will I sleep a whole night? when does this rollercoaster stop? when will the dreams of him & her stop?

I don't want to see his hand holding her ass cheek hard enough to leave marks anymore, I don't want to see his fingers digging deep in her ass cheek, I don't want to see the gold band on his finger while he's F**king her, I don't want to recognise the tattoo on his thigh while not seeing there faces, I don't want to hear him moaning & groaning while F**king her like an animal, I don't want to see that part of his body that was only meant for me F**king someone else,

I don't have to use my imagination to see anything clearly...I have it stored in my memory so deep I wonder if I will ever stop seeing it play over & over day & night!!!

I'm just so damn tired!!

[This message edited by Scoobydoo at 1:03 AM, March 26th (Tuesday)]

Scoobydoo posted 3/26/2019 01:07 AM

Sorry for the rant 🤦‍♀️ I need to vent but itís to early here to disturb my besties...they love me but Iím not sure they would after ringing them at 5.30am!!!

Scoobydoo posted 3/26/2019 04:54 AM

Oops again sorry about earlier,
I've had coffee & looking after my twin GC now so I'm a little bit more myself,

He heard me crying this morning when I went back to the spare room (maybe he's not sleeping so good either (actually glad about that) he came in & just held me while I sobbed, remarkably he didn't initiate anything else...thats his normal thing!
he just hugged me saying how sorry he was over & over again, I think he's finally realising its not just going to go away on its own this time,
I did tell him again he wasn't my hero & best friend anymore...he didn't take that very well, he was actually really upset & genuinely gutted, I also told him he's broken something inside me I need to heal before I can even learn to forgive or forget...& ONLY IF HE COMMITS TO BEING ALL IN!

he has deleted everything on his phone...no Facebook, no Snapchat, no Instagram, no Messenger, no WhatsApp, we mostly have the same family & friends so he'll use mine for the foreseable future, it may seem like baby steps to some but in our world its actually a pretty big deal.

Oh yes MD the 180 is in effect for sure...I just have some moments when I feel like saying sod it, just let it go, then I replay the video in my head...trust me thats enough to get my arse in gear again. however I don't let him see me when I weaken with my resolve, he doesn't have that privilege any longer.

Stevesn, He hasn't agreed to go to 1 session yet but I'm still very hopeful he will sooner rather than later,
A very close friend did remind me it'll take time (she knows him well) he's not the sharpest tool in the toolbox I'm afraid, so it'l take him time to process everything, I'm willing to wait for that to happen as he truly is the love of my life,

You see my predicament here....

Its not only him thats up or down atm I AM ASWELL,
Heads saying run...FAST, He's never going to change
Heart says stay as you LOVE him so damn much, It'll be worth it in the end.

so bloody confusing,
ARGGG this rollercoaster is the worst I've ever been on

thank you again for being here..im so grateful,


Stevesn posted 3/26/2019 07:16 AM

Scooby

Ok. No need to apologize. Many here have come before you with the exact same symptoms of heartbreak including many sleepless nights. Even so, you did a great job laying out your feelings to him.

That said, I still think open communication is the key. Itís ok to Make sure he knows that IC for him is a hard requirement to repairing the M. Telling him that is not doing the work for him.

Itís making clear that without it, any attempt for recovery will never be complete. Iíd recommend letting him know that, With no guarantees given.

Only guarantee is that without him getting that help, youíll never have a chance at full reconciliation.

No problem taking your time in communicating this when you are ready. But as i said before, it should be number 2 on the requirements list after NC.

Iím hopeful his current small steps indicate a greater willingness to do what it takes. Time will tell as you say.

Do something nice just for yourself today. You deserve it.

MamaDragon posted 3/26/2019 09:42 AM

vent away sweetie. We know what you are feeling, maybe not the exact reason why but the rollercoaster? yeah we have all ridden that thing.

I know you have heard this but time does make it better. Honest, it does.

Take care of yourself, if you need to vent - do it. Let it out. Cry - and tell him exactly what you are feeling. Don't hold back.

(HUGS)

tushnurse posted 3/26/2019 10:51 AM

Vent all you want....
You need to get it out.

However....

He hasn't agreed to go to 1 session yet but I'm still very hopeful he will sooner rather than later,
A very close friend did remind me it'll take time (she knows him well) he's not the sharpest tool in the toolbox I'm afraid, so it'l take him time to process everything, I'm willing to wait for that to happen as he truly is the love of my life,

This is not the right way to go about this. Why is he in control of this?
You tell him your demands, and you give him a deadline, just like you would a kid or an employee.
"I want you to see an IC by 4/15, and if you don't, Well the I will be seeing an attorney to begin paperwork to file, as it shows you are not serious about the work YOU need to do."
He does it, Great!
He doesn't... Well then you have to carry through, but if you are willing to wait and don't set expecations or boundaries, he will NEVER do ANYTHING to change.

Odonna posted 4/2/2019 16:49 PM

How are you doing, Scooby? And do listen to Tushnurse and others. You have to set your boundaries and requirements with demands, not requests you hope he will get around to. You are worth that respect!

Scoobydoo posted 4/5/2019 09:00 AM

Hey Guys,

I'm still here, haven't checked in recently as its been a little manic here...DIL due tomorrow but has been in & out of hospital the last week or so, between work, my other GC & backwards & forwards to the hospital its been toooo crazy.

I have stuck to my 180 with the usual stuff being said on a daily basis between us, thankfully no fighting though.
Still no change in his words or actions I'm afraid, just lots of promises to not do it again, heard it all before (to many times)!


1 big change is I have booked a holiday, I fly to Portugal with my BFF, AI for 1 whole week in a beach club hotel, hoping I can recharge & make a decision without anyone else involved.

WH knows & isn't that happy about it...but who cares (I don't)
I know some will say I'm running away but I just need some time out for me.

not sure if thats what you meant Stevesn...but thank you for the advice :)

fareast posted 4/5/2019 09:30 AM

Not running away at all. Getting some time away to relax will give you space and perspective. Enjoy your vacation and good luck to your DIL with her baby.

Cooley2here posted 4/5/2019 09:45 AM

I write this all the time........you canít change another person. He is who he is. He has been this way forever. You have two choices. You go on living with a cheater or you donít.

I understand how hard it is to even try to think about disassembling a marriage. All of your family ďstuffĒ is in your home. All your memories are in this marriage. If you decide you canít do it anymore just gradually separate what belongs to whom. Go at a snailís pace. No one is holding a stop watch.

Good luck and have a great time NOT thinking and worrying while you are away.

Scoobydoo posted 4/5/2019 10:23 AM

Thank you Fareast...will definitely relax once she is here :) 3weeks till the holiday but so super excited :)

C2H, yep I'm just realising he's been this person all this time...doesnt sit well with me tbh,
Im very much a glass half full, in every aspect of MY life, what I don't have I don't miss kinda thing,
He's a glass half empty...always looking for more...laughs, money, material things, cars, bikes etc,
kinda thought it was good how he always wanted to better US...turns out I think he just wanted to better things for HIM!!

I'm going from room to room slowly sorting things out when I have the time!

tushnurse posted 4/6/2019 08:58 AM

Going away is a very smart move.
Its not running away. It is separating yourself from the situation and noise while practicing some self care.
It is a huge piece of figuring out how to move forward.
Hope the new baby and DIL are healthy and good.

Scoobydoo posted 4/7/2019 06:19 AM

Just a quick update...DIL is doing well, still no sign of the little bundle though, they will try to hasten her arrival on Friday if she's still not here.

Update on me & him...

Not really speaking now...been a lot of bickering, Im putting it down to him not being the centre of my attention atm, this is his usual MO,

this 180 is so bloody hard, how do you know your doing it right? as I actually feel myself checking out when he speaks now, is that normal? I really just want to tell him to stfu & leave me alone,

argggg I've never felt more distant from him or our marriage

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