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Scoobydoo posted 3/19/2019 05:50 AM

Hi,
Been very eye opening for me in the last couple of days, WH has done a complete change on me, He has handed his phone over for complete transparency, he's actually initiated a very long, tiring, heart to heart discussion between us.

I asked him why now instead of ever before...having my change of behaviour over the last week or so apparently "frightened" him, He said "its like you grew inches in height overnight" funny as I'm a little short at 5'5 & a half!
I guess I really was firmly in that place of always 'pick me', I'll do anything you want mindset, I'm very strong in all other aspects of my life, however it seems I haven't been that way in my marriage,
I've laid down the law

1, I will look at his phone anytime I wish to, No more carrying it with him everywhere

2, He has to continue spending time with our Children & GC, even in settings he doesn't like

3, He has to be supportive to me & my feelings, anything is on the table for discussions

4, No staying out (under any circumstances) 2 pints on a Thursday evening but home by the time I finish work at 8.30pm, for us to have dinner together

5, No Going away for anything unless its together

6, no holding money over my head as a ransom
(its our bloody money)

7, finally his idea not mine...joint Facebook account
(we have many overseas friends so we do like to use it to share memories of trips & kids)

few more personal things important to both of us

I genuinely think he's worried as he's told our boys "Jesus I've never seen your mother like this before she's been so cold & distant & STRONG"
"WTF she's seen a damn solicitor already seeking advice"


A conversation my eldest son & him had...
S..."Why have you treated her this way dad?"
WH.."she's always let me do what I wanted..go where I wanted, I did it because I could get away with it"
S...why should we all believe you won't continue to abuse her?"
WH.."have you met your mother recently? I'm never gonna get away with anything else ever again..Which I'm actually really good with, I didn't deserve your mum before but I'm going to do everything I possibly can to earn her forgiveness, respect & love.


I'm taking all these words & conversations lightly atm as actions do speak louder than words for me, however I haven't actually even had these words before so I'm pretty hopeful.


on a side note though I have spoken to a couple councillors over the last 2 days & have actually booked an appointment for Friday with the 1 I think will help ME go forward in staying strong,
My WH will not be doing IC or MC atm, I'm not bothered as much as I thought I would be as I'm doing this solely for me, my IC can work with my WH at any point in the future aswell as MC for us both if he thinks it will benefit us & my H agrees, but thats a little further in our future...YES I think if he sticks to our agreed plan we do have a future.

Only time will tell

Thank you so much for checking in with me...its very much appreciated,


Did make me chuckle that "RUH RO" haha

tushnurse posted 3/19/2019 07:30 AM

(((Scooby))))
You are making strong smart moves. Congrats on that, it did get his attention, but I agree it's actions that count, not words.

He is a repeat offender, so he may just have gotten a burner phone, thus the transparency, or he may be actually giving it the old college try, but don't be surprised in a few weeks if he starts getting pissy because you aren't "Over it" already. That's where his true colors will shine.

Keep him at arms length, it will not allow him to manipulate, and keep you focused on what's important right now, and that is you.

fareast posted 3/19/2019 08:15 AM

Scooby:

Very well done in standing strong and finding your voice. Hereís what I see: you have a lot of joy in your life with family and GC. You love your WH. Since you saw the videos 16 months ago heís been making some good changes with the children trying to be better, and buying you things and taking you on trips with the goal being to rugsweep the entire thing without too much fallout for him. His discussion with your son is so revealing. Whoever said he is a man child is so on target. His explanation is so insidiously backhanded blameshifting. He used manipulation and bullying on you and if you gave in or didnít stand strong it was a signal he could do whatever he wanted. The problem with that thinking is that he is a grown ass married man who knows right from wrong, and nothing you did or didnít do caused him to make the wrong decision.

Obviously, now that you have stood your ground he says he is going to toe the line. He loves you and knows you deserve better. You need him to understand that you are not his morality keeper. He needs to show you that he loves you enough and respects your M enough to do the right thing all the time, whether you are standing strong or not. It will be hard for him to change his old bullying or manipulative behavior. He needs counseling to help him see these things about himself. Good luck.

MamaDragon posted 3/19/2019 08:49 AM

way to go!

Have you considered a post nup? That way he cannot hold any monies over your head should he screw up in the future.

I'm glad you found your strength!

(hugs)

Cooley2here posted 3/19/2019 10:28 AM

Prenups can be iffy. Since he held money over your head as a terrible power play you need a good chunk of that money in your own bank account that he canít access. The so and so!

squid posted 3/19/2019 12:20 PM

Scoobydoo,

I'm basing my comment on what I've read from the 1st page and your most recent comment.

I see a lot of love-bombing, blameshifting, and rugsweeping on his part. It seems like you do too, and that's good. Way to find your strength. Now you just have to stay there and not get pulled in by his manipulation.

His refusal to do IC is not a good sign moving forward. If he isn't invested in doing the work of R (and he's going to have do most of it), then that doesn't leave you much choice. I can see him going through the motions, trying to keep the peace. But if he doesn't dig really deep to find out why he could repeatedly betray you, you will likely have another D-day in the future.

I'm sure someone has already commented this: When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

I know it'll be a huge blow to the family unit if you decide to D. But every time he minimizes and deflects is huge show of disrespect to you and your kids. You all deserve so much better.

Good luck to you.

Hurtmyheart posted 3/19/2019 12:22 PM

Do you think it's okay that he continues to go to the bars and drink without you there?

Your WH has done some horrible things. Reminds me of my WH and his behaviors! He should have extremely strict self imposed boundries!

Scoobydoo posted 3/22/2019 14:22 PM

Back again,

Thank you for all your thoughts & advice, I'm very grateful to you all.

Ive had my 1st IC sessions today,
wow Wow WOW..very enlightening to say the least,
I swear he's another person that has met my WH before, he actually gave me some papers to read about Narcissistic & sociopathic behaviours, I actually wondered if they were written about my husband!!

it seems he's in agreement with most of you on this forum, he doesn't think my H is reconciliation material as he doesn't recognise his repeat behaviour as being destructive to myself or our marriage,

Im going to see my IC again to work on my self esteem, confidence, & self respect...hopefully then I can make a rational decision be it D or R,

in the meantime I'm staying strong in my wants & needs from my H,

only time will tell xx

Scoobydoo posted 3/22/2019 16:29 PM

Hurtmyheart,

In reply to your Q its a bar my best friend works at, he's been restricted to going once a week on a Thursday while I'm at work, no drugs & no more than 2 pints.

Im sorry you find yourself with a WH with behaviours like mine...sucks for us!

Scoobydoo posted 3/22/2019 16:41 PM

Tushnurse, Fareast, MamaDragon, squid, Cooley2here,

I realise I have been manipulated a lot in the past...I assure you I won't be anymore.

Im reading between all the lines now, I'm taking on board all his moves & counteracting with my own, I refuse to be a doormat any longer (with or without) him in my life.

I won't be blamed for any "mistakes or bad choices he has made in our relationship" the buck stops with HIM.

tomorrow is another day

tushnurse posted 3/22/2019 18:39 PM

((((Scooby))))
I hear strength in you.
Continue to make yourself a priority and the future will be great with or without him.

Scoobydoo posted 3/24/2019 04:17 AM

Ok, thought I had this..now not so sure

I can't seem to explain to my WH the difference between being detached emotionally to being cold & indeferent (apparently thats how he see's me atm)
is there a difference?
he's chipping away at me, I feel like I'm losing my damn mind slowly since Friday after my IC...WTF?
or is this another form of manipulation?

Do I really have to sit him down like a child to explain word for word??

Grateful for any Advice please
x

GotTheTshirtToo posted 3/24/2019 05:50 AM

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:40 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]

tushnurse posted 3/24/2019 08:22 AM

Dont waste your breath. He doesn't respect you and your needs and certainly doesn't care about what you have requested of him.
This is where actions not words come into play. Stick to your boundaries and expectations. He will either step up or he won't but either way he will no longer be abusing you.

cocoplus5nuts posted 3/24/2019 08:54 AM

Manipulation

Scoobydoo posted 3/25/2019 06:01 AM

Thank you,

GTTT, No Maybe there is no difference between the 2...& no I don't suppose in the great scheme of things it matters much!
You definitely make very valid points about being the Alpha in our house, although he wasn't an active dad with the children when they were small, I was mum & dad..along with good & bad cop! however once the boys were more out going with friends he became there dad/friend, he never see's his own father unless its a visit to his fathers local pub (my FIW doesn't have a single clue where any of my children live) myself & our children don't have anything to do with him. I do see repetition in the behaviours though (FIL & WH) & have actually been pointing it out in recent months.


Personally I think he struggled with my 1st appointment with my IC..I didn't disclose or discuss anything with him (he's definitely not used to this behaviour from me).
He did ask last night if my IC was someone he could talk to or if he had to find 1 of his own...with my WH you plant the seed then wait to see if it grows.
Again it could just be manipulation, omg why does it have to be so bloody complicated & frustrating at times.


Thank you again for reading & replying...really am very grateful to all for being here for me x

Guessing small steps are better than no steps


Stevesn posted 3/25/2019 06:54 AM

Perhaps ask your IC for a reference for someone appropriate for your WH to talk to. If he gives you one tell your WH you wonít make the appointment for him.

Thatís on him to do.

tushnurse posted 3/25/2019 07:07 AM

DO NOT allow him to use the same IC that you are using. That should be your safe space, just like SI is. Therapists shouldn't pick sides, and shouldn't think one way or the other, but some can't. It's just part of human nature..... Tell him to find his own.

Scoobydoo posted 3/25/2019 07:49 AM

Thank you for your opinions, I purposely went with this C as he is an individual, couples, & MC, he also seems to know an awful lot about sociopathic & narcissistic behaviours,
we did approach the topic on Friday of him becoming my WH's & our marriage C further down the line IF or WHEN my H wanted to, he was very open to working along side both of us either separate or together, primarily he will be my IC first & foremost, after meeting him though I actually think he would be great for my WH..his no BS attitude would be great after 27 yrs of Rug Sweeping & TT.

I really want us to be on the same page if possible for any kind of R in our future so would having to go through everything again with someone else be a waste of time?

I have seen other BS's & WS's from SI have the same IC/MC & its worked out for them, Maybe we could be one of those couples?

Stevesn posted 3/25/2019 08:39 AM

Honestly, while itís your Hís choice, it would be a deal breaker for me if my WS didnít choose to get into IC (with yours or another) almost immediately.

I know you say he is doing some of the right things, but second only to complete NC with the AP, to me, is starting IC.

I couldnít start healing myself until I saw my WS taking steps to figure out what caused him to inflict such pain.

Otherwise Iíd inform them Iíll be healing alone and moving to detach, no matter what proper steps I saw them taking outside of IC.

As always just my opinion. But if they dont want to explore their issues then I wouldnít see them as ALL IN.

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