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nekonamida posted 9/26/2019 08:23 AM

Why oh why do I get the fucked up shit, why can't he say that in his letters to me!!

Look at it this way. He's lying to someone. Either he fully accepts he did something fucked up or he's confused and it's all a big misunderstanding. IT CAN'T BE BOTH. So either he's lying to them for sympathy and pity, something we know he loves to use as a manipulation tool, or he's lying to you by minimizing what he's done.

His letters to you are different because he's love bombing you. He's given you the story that he was too drunk and high to control himself or even remember what happened. He probably thinks that if you believe that he wasn't really in his right mind and doesn't fully accept what happened, you will be more willing to take him back. And he also might not really believe you deserve an apology because you didn't actually get hurt and your crime of wanting to separate is worse than what he did.

I know you think he's the biggest risk to himself right now and that's probably true while he still clearly believes he can convince you back in to a relationship with him very soon. But, he's about to get smacked upside the head by reality. First the reality that this "reunion" is not happening anytime soon. Next the reality that your romantic relationship is permanently over. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior and the one time you tried leaving, he lost it and tried to kill you. I HOPE he just harms himself but he did it once and he could easily do it again.

It's clear that your WH hates to "lose" and that probably isn't going to change when he believes going through all the classes, going through rehab, sending you his love, and rallying everyone else around him by making himself out to be pitiful is how he wins you back. He's going to lose it again when he realizes reality doesn't work that way and he will look for someone else to blame.

MamaDragon posted 9/26/2019 08:50 AM

You are an amazing woman!

Odonna posted 9/26/2019 09:12 AM


You say:

Personally I think he's not going to harm me,

Would this slightly modified version also be true of where you were a few weeks ago?

Personally I think he's not going to point a crossbow at me

Gently, your own assessments of what he is capable of are still warped by decades of commitment to a man you thought equally bound to you. Please, second guess yourself here!

Also, the reason his letter to you differs so much from the rest is that he is STILL trying to control you! Read that sentence over and over please.....! Also, he knows that his self-pitying letters to others will come into your hands, and that is yet one more way is trying to make YOU feel sorry for him, and yet again CONTROL you!

Can you afford another three-week vacation somewhere? Put some contingency plans in place that TAKE YOU FAR AWAY!

tushnurse posted 9/26/2019 17:43 PM

I agree 110% with Odonna. You are underestimating his desire to win and keep you.
That has been a consistent theme in everything he has written. He will not allow you to be alone.

The whole if I can't have you no one can bullshit just seeps from every pore. Your willingness to believe he won't harm you is clouded by the decades of abuse you have tolerated and endured.

Please dont think he won't hurt you.

Odonna posted 9/26/2019 21:09 PM

Even if you completely believe we are wrong..... still, you have kids and grandkids you cannot take the risk for....

[This message edited by Odonna at 7:56 AM, September 27th (Friday)]

Odonna posted 9/26/2019 21:09 PM


[This message edited by Odonna at 7:59 AM, September 27th (Friday)]

Odonna posted 9/26/2019 21:10 PM

Oops! Triplicate. Sorry!

[This message edited by Odonna at 8:00 AM, September 27th (Friday)]

LostWillow posted 9/27/2019 02:05 AM

The reason I'm giving you everything in the divorce is to show you material things mean nothing to me, material things can be replaced you can't.

The whole letter is very scary. Besides what was already pointed this part sounds more like. He gives you everything because you will be together so he loses nothing... or none of you will be around to need it.

Very scary. I agree that he might simply harm himself but there's a possibility that he might take you with him.

Glad to know you are taking all means to protect yourself.

KatieKat posted 9/27/2019 07:57 AM

You are ascribing emotions to him that are not real, Scooby dear. Stay safe. Keep him away.

Tallgirl posted 9/29/2019 16:26 PM

From Scooby

A quick update & a response to 1 poster in particular.

There will be NO INTERVENTION from myself, my family OR my KIDS.

None of us want anything to do with him, I raised very strong minded young adults that can make up their own minds on what is right & wrong. The only reason he could manipulate them for a short period of time was due to him being their dad, if you took that factor out he would of been shot down in flames as soon as he opened his mouth, as it was he did get a little foot in the door but trust me he was soon shot down when they had all the facts regardless of him being their dad.
They had hopium bc I made a choice to keep secrets from them to protect them, as soon as those secrets were told they made their own choices to walk away from him.

He has chosen this life for himself, he has chosen to bully, destroy, manipulate & threaten.

We have chosen to not be a part of it, we don't need AA we don't want or need to know what his plans are for him on his release or while he is in prison. WE will not be a part of his healing process in or out of prison.

WE DONT CARE about him, his progress, or his destruction.

We are looking out for ourselves with no future plans of ever sharing holidays, time, or anything else with this man.
He will never be anything more than a memory for all of us bc of HIS actions, not mine & definitely not my kids.

Hurtmyheart, All you ever seem to do is push blame onto me & my family, tbh I'm getting pretty sick of it,
I Didn't Do This, My Kids Didn't Do This, None Of Us Deserved This.


He did this in front of my kids, he could of easily lost control & shot 1 of them when they ran to protect me.

The time for an INTERVENTION has long since passed. I have no interest in doing anything for this man, I don't hate, pity or love him, I don't feel anything for him most days.
He has very minimal bearing on my life or the choices I make!
Only in keeping myself & my family safe from him.

Thank you everyone else for your continued support & advice (I will be downloading those books to read).

I'm not fooled by his words, I'm not being led into a false sense of security,
I know what my situation looks like & IS.
WE all do!
I may be out of infidelity but it will be a little bit longer before I feel 'safe'

Chaos posted 9/29/2019 16:32 PM

Hey there Scooby. Sounds like you raised some amazing kids. And when I say YOU I mean YOU alone. Singular.

We got you Scooby.

KatieKat posted 9/30/2019 10:20 AM

I loved that update!!!

tushnurse posted 9/30/2019 10:47 AM


You are doing amazing. Remember that. You are so strong.

Glad your kids and you all have been able to come together to process this and get through it together.

((((And Strength))))

Tallgirl posted 10/1/2019 09:53 AM

Scoobs you totally rock!!!

You have a terrific perspective given this is a total shit show

Tallgirl posted 10/11/2019 16:16 PM

Update from Scooby

WH has been released. He has only a few conditions for his release.

Justice system is not serving her.

She's frustrated but ok.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 1:27 AM, October 12th (Saturday)]

Chaos posted 10/11/2019 16:30 PM

Scooby - sending all the hugs, strength and sparkles I have.

You have all of us in your corner.

Chaos posted 10/11/2019 16:30 PM

Scooby - sending all the hugs, strength and sparkles I have.

You have all of us in your corner.

nekonamida posted 10/11/2019 17:35 PM

Oh Scooby, I hope everything is okay and he is leaving you alone.

Odonna posted 10/11/2019 21:53 PM

I have counseled her to make herself very scarce for a couple weeks. She should be far away and just observe what happens. No where that he can get to her. Protective orders are just paper. I trust you all concur?

BearlyBreathing posted 10/12/2019 00:38 AM

Yes. Stay safe Scooby. Sending you mojo.

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