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Thumos posted 8/23/2019 12:35 PM

This is so awful. Thank God she’s safe. Even if you aren’t praying types, please say a prayer of continued safety for her and her children.

DebraVation posted 8/23/2019 12:36 PM

Thank goodness you are safe Scooby, please don't post on here where you are though because of who is reading, it is enough just to let us know you are safe.


Arfaj posted 8/23/2019 13:16 PM

Please stay safe. We are keeping you in our thoughts and prayers.

Hurtmyheart posted 8/23/2019 20:54 PM

Scooby, I'm glad you found your voice and told Boxerdog NO MORE!! This is exactly what I was trying to get through to you. My WH and I went through something very similar to what you are going through now.

There is no point in wanting to stay with Boxerdog if he doesn't want to do the work, show remorse and work to change his behavior or just because you don't want to accept how cruel he has been to you.

I've been reading his posts and he is very angry. Typical alcoholic behavior. I've seen this alcoholic and drug addict behavior play out over and over again. Two of my brothers died from alcohol and drug addiction.

Boxerdog needs to stop drinking, period. He has a lot of work ahead of him. I wish him the best if he is capable. I hope that God finds a way into his heart to show him the errors of his ways. In all honesty, your WH sounds so bad that he may be at the point of no return.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 8:05 AM, August 24th (Saturday)]

Odonna posted 8/23/2019 22:07 PM


Your WH’s husband’s posts are positively scary. He counts on you to be “obedient” and now you are not. Please let us know you are safe.

PM those you feel close to here in order to protect yourself.

[This message edited by Odonna at 10:10 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]

alsdaboss posted 8/24/2019 09:15 AM

Please believe that I am so sorry for whatyou are going through and for what I am about to type.


I thought I was a bastard! Well, I am, but your husband is a fucking bastard!

Ma'am, you have found what is possibly the most extreme case of narcissism that is possible.

When you are with a narc, you are not a person. You are an extension of themselves. You exist for them, not yourself. You are no more than property. To him, you are his pet.

What happens when your pet runs away from home?
You go get em, and teach em a lesson.

I cannot stress how much I fear for you! You have no idea what he is capable of!

I can only imagine what you are going through and judging by what I have gleaned, you are an exceptionally kind and wonderful person. This has to be so hard for you, but...


He will not be fixed. He will not get better. He will not change!

Ive calmed down. I triggered. But please let me clarify.I am not that diffrent from your husband.

I am on the spectrum for N.P.D. I am a narcissist. I wish to offer my take on people like me.

We have no idea we are broken. We refuse to believe we are less than the perfect masters of our world and all that we permitt to live in it.

We have no idea what we are putting our supplies through. Untill it effects us, all is sunshine and rainbows.

No, we dont care what it feels like to be you, it's great to be us.

Less than 3% of us become self aware. Even less choose to get better. Why would we? It's a wonderful life when the world revolves around you.

His next step will be fake humble humility and love bombing. Then rage, entitlement, intimidation. Rinse, repeat into perpetuity.

This is your reality.

Now I'm no doctor or head shrinker. I'm a mechanic and welder. But I'm one of the few people that knows what you are up against. Ive been in his head. I've been him. Just not to this degree.

I expect your husband to respond directly to this post, we dont like to be called out for what we are. After all, we are perfect.

But every narc, when it all comes down to it, are insecure cowards.

It takes us years of hard work to become real, honorable men. But again, its a rare situation.

To your husband.

I see you for what you are!

You cant hide from my eye. I know you for the coward you are.

Will you find the courage to change?

Or will you take revenge?

Its scary, aint it? Dont lie. You are terrified.

[This message edited by alsdaboss at 9:58 AM, August 24th (Saturday)]

Odonna posted 8/24/2019 09:53 AM

So the monster pointed a loaded crossbow at her in front of the police and all her kids.....

[This message edited by Odonna at 1:17 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]

NotSureAboutIt posted 8/24/2019 12:46 PM

Please, please, please do not go back to this man. He is clearly not safe.

RubixCubed posted 8/24/2019 17:21 PM

Deleted(Question already answered)

[This message edited by RubixCubed at 5:23 PM, August 24th (Saturday)]

Lalagirl posted 8/26/2019 06:06 AM

So the monster pointed a loaded crossbow at her in front of the police and all her kids.....

*edited - just saw Scooby's new thread*


[This message edited by Lalagirl at 6:08 AM, August 26th (Monday)]

Scoobydoo posted 8/28/2019 01:33 AM

Thank you everyone,

I have posted my update on General.

Scooby x

Tallgirl posted 9/3/2019 17:00 PM


STBXH is in prison on remand

He's awaiting a Trial/Hearing date at Crown Court.

He's sent VO's (visitation orders) to all our adult Children, at the moment they are saying they are not interested but that can all change in a heart beat, Obviously they love their dad even after everything he's done & I know they are struggling with having no answers to all their questions. Trust me I understand their needs for this.

How can I deter this from happening without putting them firmly in the middle of a War Zone?

They have each received long letters pleading with them all to visit so he can explain to them personally, I haven't asked to see the letters as its between them but I'm worried he's manipulating them.

He's so good at rewriting history I fear all he would need is an IN..once this happens I dread to think what will happen.

If he goes Not Guilty they will all be called as witnesses. Surely that will affect the upcoming case?

Wont it be seen as them supporting him?

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 5:17 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]

Tallgirl posted 9/3/2019 17:16 PM

I am not a
legal expert, and I think there are some on SI... Hopefully they will come along.

From a personal perspective
- do you really think they will visit him? I would be so angry that I would not. I think it is fair to ask them. I also think it is fair to ask them and say that you would prefer that they didn't until after the trial, however it is their decision and I know you will respect that (because you are just such an awesome person). I would assume that they would be called for the prosecution if witness statements are needed.

He should pull out his damn pencil and write them all including you a very sincere apology. Rather than begging them to visit and dangling the explanation as a carrot. Sorry, I'm gonna say it. It's a prick move. He needs to remember how to be a father and stop fucking manipulating. He has put them through unbelievable trauma, never mind what he did to you.

Scooby, your kids totally have their heads on right. I think they will make the right decision themselves, likely this will be a sibling conversation. I think you can trust your children to do what is best.

Just keep loving them as I know you are. You are their first concern.

Chaos posted 9/3/2019 17:25 PM

To me it sounds like his desperate ass couldn’t manipulate you anymore (good on YOU) so he’s moving on to your children. Lame and pathetic. I hope they see it for what it is.

Remember - YOU didn’t do this to them. He didn’t. That’s all on him.

I sincerely hope his ass remains firmly locked up. And your children have the good sense to tell him to shove his pencil up his ass.

If they have to testify - they need to tell the truth. Remember. He DID THIS. He put the children in that position.

I sincerely hope they don’t believe the smoke he’ll try to blow.

EllieKMAS posted 9/3/2019 18:32 PM

All I can say is from a daughter's perspective - once someone crossed that line with MY mom? They were dead to me.

I agree with Chaos and TG - he is just trying to manipulate them again - poor me, in jail, blah blah blah... from what little I've read of your kids, I think they will see that for what it is as well.

I am so sorry that the merry go round is still spinnin :(


HeHadADoubleLife posted 9/3/2019 18:40 PM

Their only obligation if called as witnesses is to tell the truth. The judge/jury (sorry, not sure how it works across the pond) has the duty to listen to any testimony and apply what they hear to the law. So I’m terms of the law it wouldn’t be seen as “taking sides” unless they were testifying on his behalf as a character witness or something like that - which given How quick your kids jumped to your aid I find it doubtful would happen.

I agree with others, I think as much as your kids love their dad, they see through his bullshit. They know right from wrong. When push comes to shove they will do the right thing which is to tell the unvarnished truth.

There is no excuse for his behavior, and they know that. They can feel sorry for him, even feel empathy for him, but still acknowledge that what he did was wrong, and those actions need to have consequences. Empathy and consequences are not mutually exclusive.

k8la posted 9/3/2019 19:28 PM

Any manipulation on his part in the US would be called witness tampering. I'm not sure how it works in the UK, but I would talk with your children about and address their questions and concerns openly. Time for the elephant in the room to be a topic of discussion instead of everyone tiptoeing around trying to not offend or be seen.

nekonamida posted 9/4/2019 07:17 AM

Scooby, I don't think you have too much to worry about. You raised very smart and compassionate kids. They witnessed him pointing the crossbow at you unprovoked. There isn't anything that he can say to them to change their minds. So what if he tells a tall tale of how awful of a wife you were? They won't believe him. Not after they themselves have seen how he's treated you for years.

He may be good at manipulation but there's a reason why they have all unilaterally sided with you against him in this - even before the recent violence and threats. He can't re-write their experiences no matter how hard he tries. If they do eventually go see him, it's not because they side with him against you. It will be because they care about him and are having a hard time accepting that this is who he is so maybe they will need to get some answers for themselves. If he takes that opportunity to continue to be a psycho and blame you for everything, it's only going to push them closer to you.

If you're very worried about it, why not ask them what they think of the letters and what they plan on doing?

tushnurse posted 9/4/2019 14:07 PM


I know this has to be a hard time for you right now, but know that your kids love you and know what shit he pulled to end up in the position he ended up in.

There is no excuse for that and no matter what he tells them, it doesn't change that. Hell it's documented here for the world to know and see he had every intention of not being the good guy. Please keep that in mind. Trust that your kids have been raised by an extremely smart, and strong woman that has instilled goodness, reason, and strength in them as well.

Sending you tons of support and hugs.

Tallgirl posted 9/5/2019 03:41 AM


Thank you everyone for your replies, concerns & well wish wishes. I am reading & need each & everyone of them to keep my strength up.
I really am so very grateful.

I'm not OK, I'm so out of my depth & feel I'm drowning slowly day by day.
So now I'm planning...I need to plan!!
I'm signing up for self defence classes next week through the police, Tae Kwon Do, Krav Maga, Aikido etc, going to try a little of them all to see which 1 suits my needs the most,
Also have an induction at a gym tomorrow as I need some control of my future after what he's done. I never want to be that vulnerable EVER again,
I'm hoping this will all help.

Have spoken to all the kids in depth together with the Police officer & Liaison officer involved in our case,
Between them all they have collectively decided the eldest son is going to visit him on Monday, They have all drafted up a bunch of questions they want answers to.
I tried to convince them it wasn't a good idea, but they are angry, upset, disappointed, & heartbroken, so they feel they need to do something.

I have also received a VO in the post now, it arrived yesterday along with a letter, Pretty vague in terms of admitting anything thats happened, I guess they monitor all correspondence so I'm not surprised by that.
Normal BS,
how sad HE is, how HE lost control, How HE can't imagine life without me, How much HE misses me, How HE needs me, how much HE loves me!!!
How HE will move heaven & earth to make things right.
He has been having intense Counselling, & so called doing every course or Class he can sign upto to,
He wants to 'make himself a better person'
HE wants his family BACK.



[This message edited by Tallgirl at 3:43 AM, September 5th (Thursday)]

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