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nekonamida posted 8/15/2019 23:40 PM

I can see why that's an issue of yours that needs fixing. But saying you're responsible for his choices? No. That doesn't even make sense. So you were supposed to parent him like a child with boundaries and consequences? I can guarantee you would likely be sitting in the exact same spot while your IC tells you you're somewhat responsible for the parent-child dynamic you have contributed to and there are BSes who have been told that here enough times to prove it.

I don't even fully fault your IC for saying that because it feels so easy to say, "Well, you just could have done x, y, and z, and everything would be different now!" But maybe he doesn't really know your WH that well to say that for sure. He might not fully understand what all has happened and why at the time you felt like you had a better chance holding onto him to try and keep the marriage rather than risk it by standing up for yourself even a little bit. That's especially true for abusive marriages and how many people in them feel so much safer not rocking the boat. Your situation has a lot of history and layers making it more complicated than that.

You are responsible for your own actions and yeah, that does mean you're somewhat responsible for being in the position you are today because you didn't set boundaries. That's not a failing to your WH and your marriage. You bear no responsibility for HIS actions. Your own actions simply explain why you're here in IC and didn't happily D him years ago and run off into the sunset in Mexico with Fabio. Haha, well, maybe in your dreams but I think you know what I mean.

There's no guarantee that you would be in a different situation had you tried boundaries and consequences before. Boundaries and consequences cannot control him or anyone. They might make someone reconsider the pros and cons of what they are doing but they are not a magic bullet. They are designed to protect you and make it clear how you will respond to bad behavior. They're all about you and not about controlling him.

Your WH really had his head far up his behind back in the day. There's no guarantee he would have responded in the same way he is now. The only difference is if he didn't respond properly, you'd probably be D instead of here.

Scoobydoo posted 8/16/2019 02:01 AM

Thatís the thing though isnít it, when this type of thing happens, we become detectives, policing everything Ďtheyí do, watching for every tell, every lie, anything deceitful so we can determine if weíre on the same paths moving forward,
However all those yrs ago I just didnít have the time & energy,
I cared but ignored all the 🚩 I made my bed so I would be lying in it.

I done all the family fun stuff while he was at the pub, as it meant we had some epic adventures, we had more fun when he wasnít around, Iíll take responsibility for my decisions back then bc they worked out for myself & the kids. They were the happiest times for us.

My IC has trouble understanding how I Ďput upí & coped with everything in my marriage, he wants me to look deep down to find my inner strength, I have to know my Ďwhyísí so I can move forward in my future,

I just have to work through the not knowing Ďeverythingí I guess, 5 yrs on a site where anything goes is hard to get my head around, hell 15 yrs of so called faithfulness is still something Iím struggling with, i know itís not healthy I just canít fathom it all out!

I canít express my feelings in words atm, apart from fkn anger now that Iím having no trouble expressing!!

Sorry my posts are all over the place,
it just feels like Iíve hit a brick wall

Also my IC thinks with the recent turn of events (WH signing everything over to me) has seriously knocked me over, blindsided is how he describes it, as I didnít see it coming!

After all these yrs controlled by money to do this now when on the brink of divorce has me in a spin

All advice or insight would be bloody amazing right now!!!!!

Again sorry for the randomness of my post

LostWillow posted 8/16/2019 04:24 AM

I relate to your story.
Ages length of Marriage. I too, took care of everything. Amazing kids, university aged now. Working full time job plus part-times.

I also failed. I am responsible for a lot of the issues in the M.

Working now with IC, to find the why's, I let him get away with a lot of stuff. Eventually it was due to my own insecurities, fears, etc.

So we are working on Reconciliation. He is in IC and slowly get it. Getting the full extent and consequences of his actions.

Since we both come from Divorced/ broken families, I am still fighting to provide my kids with a family.

The more right things my WH does... the more I feel like I dont love him anymore?

Sorry if I am not much help. Still navigating.

LostWillow posted 8/16/2019 04:24 AM

I relate to your story.
Ages length of Marriage. I too, took care of everything. Amazing kids, university aged now. Working full time job plus part-times.

I also failed. I am responsible for a lot of the issues in the M.

Working now with IC, to find the why's, I let him get away with a lot of stuff. Eventually it was due to my own insecurities, fears, etc.

So we are working on Reconciliation. He is in IC and slowly get it. Getting the full extent and consequences of his actions.

Since we both come from Divorced/ broken families, I am still fighting to provide my kids with a family.

The more right things my WH does... the more I feel like I dont love him anymore?

Sorry if I am not much help. Still navigating.

tushnurse posted 8/16/2019 07:47 AM

I have let my WH dictate the terms of our marriage from the very first A, the very first slap, the very first time he started manipulating to control me, the very first night he didnít make it home...

You came into your relationship being you. You are who you are as a result of your upbringing. You didn't walk out or throw him out, but you did what you needed to do at that time in your life.

Your IC is off on making you own his actions. Unless your IC is working on helping you to understand that you did NOT have any control over the situation and that you need to forgive yourself for your choices to stay and tolerate what you have all those years. That's the only thing you need to own or take responsibility for.

Love yourself. Find happiness from within.

Scoobydoo posted 8/17/2019 01:27 AM

I guess its just a matter of wading through our own mine fields before reaching the other side.

'We' have a therapy session booked for tomorrow with my IC.

I have been informed by my WH The groups he has been attending are AA & Anger Management.

[This message edited by Scoobydoo at 2:00 AM, August 18th (Sunday)]

Scoobydoo posted 8/19/2019 07:23 AM

An update on 'Our' session with my IC,

I had an Epiphany while I was there...
I am taking steps to Separate,

I have to work Saturday but have Sunday & due to DIL having next week off I now have Mon & Tues off from having the Twins,
I'm going to make myself scarce so he can move all his stuff out,
maybe go away or just stay with a friend.

The brick wall I found myself up against was just to much.

I need space, more space than I actually have,

I need him gone.

WH went into a bit of a spin but seemed to keep his head together enough to not lose the plot, he was clearly very frustrated but after talking through things with my IC I genuinely think he understands.
It wasn't an ideal situation as he felt I had planned it, I didn't, I just felt comfortable enough to do this in a safe environment.

I now understand where my IC was coming from over the last 2ish weeks, I knew what had to be done I just couldn't DO IT,

Its time for me to move on from my past decisions & concentrate on moving forwards out of Infidelity!!

Cooley2here posted 8/19/2019 07:26 AM

👍

Odonna posted 8/19/2019 07:35 AM

Wow, Scooby. I am glad you are getting out of limbo. Iíve been a bit worried that IHS would continue indefinitely until you got sucked back in.

One thing for sure, you will find out if his ďgrand gesturesĒ regarding the house and money were sincere. If he falls into resentment and more wayward behavior then you know they were not.

I always remember what your friend said at the party when you found out he broke your nose: ďyou are beginning to see him for who he really is.Ē If that is true then everyone has seen this over the years. You even say that your family life was more fun when he was not around.

Of course it is possible his change of course is sincere. But separation will be a test of that. So watch carefully.

Scoobydoo posted 8/19/2019 07:57 AM

Thank you Cooley,

Of course it is possible his change of course is sincere. But separation will be a test of that. So watch carefully.

I hope he continues working on himself within the groups he's in & continues his IC, for himself & his relationships with our kids,

But for me this is where I Bail out, Its not my Fairground anymore, I'm officially off the Rollercoaster.

I'm going to live my life how I want, how I deserve to live it,
He took so many of my choices away over the yrs,

Now its my turn to make my own decisions regarding my life.
(well as much as I can with 4 kids babysitting me)

EmbraceTheChange posted 8/19/2019 08:22 AM

Hi Scooby,

I have been following your story.

I understand your I.C question - why would you put up with this and why were you ok with it?

I asked myself the same questions.

What I came to realise was I tried to address the issues. And it was always the same answers. "I said I'm sorry!" " Why do you keep bringing up the past???" (even if it had happened recently). Or deflecting the issue and turning it into finger pointing at me or my family, while making himself a victim. Or making as if he had no choice in the matter.

So I would drop it because I felt as if I was the one creating the issues, when in fact I was trying to address them.

And after his A, I was just done. I could do my best but he chose to have an affair and fuck us up. It was his choice. I gave him more chances after to keep us together, but each time I got it in the face and if he was doing something ok, it would be used as a tool to blackmail me to stay with him. You know, like I'm gaggin for another round....

So I came off the roller coaster like you did. Much easier life.

nekonamida posted 8/19/2019 09:08 AM

Great job, Scooby! I'm so happy for you!

tushnurse posted 8/19/2019 09:18 AM

((((Scooby))))

You are strong and brave. You will be fine. Some days will be really hard others I'm betting you will find yourself wondering why you waited so long to change your life for the better.
Forgive yourself. You did the best you could under the circumstances.

((((And Strength))))

Scoobydoo posted 8/19/2019 10:36 AM

Heads up...long post coming
ETC,
Yep I done all of that & more since the very beginning, I even found myself doing all of the above after his ONS came to light.

I wish like mad I found this site a LOOONNNGGG time ago, however I didn't find it till March this yr,
Who knows maybe even if I had found SI all those yrs ago I would or wouldn't be in the same situation.
The only thing I know for absolute sure is I found this site for a reason,
In the 5 months I have been here I have learnt so much about myself & my sham of a marriage,
I read, read, & read as much as I could to gain as much knowledge as possible (knowledge is power after all)
I've stayed in limbo till I knew without a shadow of a doubt what I know I could/could'nt live with,
I haven't always made a lot of sense in my questions or statements here but tbh most of the time I didn't know where I was coming from or even where I was. Luckily for me others seemed to know more than I did,
Congratulations on departing the Rollercoaster, I genuinely hope you feel as light as I do

I very nearly 'caved' a few times but this place & the people here, as well as IRL friends kept me on track.

For all of you Nek, Tush, Odonna, MamaD, Fareast, Cooley, Stevesn, T1stW, & Everyone else (to many to name) that stayed with me in this shitshow,
Even you Marz, you may leave only short blunt replies but trust me they pack a punch...

Thank you from the bottom of my rusty old heart, without ALL of you I wouldn't be where I am today,

I am brave, I am strong, & I WILL make it.

Eternally grateful
Scooby
xxxx

Cooley2here posted 8/19/2019 12:55 PM

❤️ Sending you anonymous hugs.

Scoobydoo posted 8/19/2019 13:47 PM

Thank you Cooley
very much appreciated
(((0)))

Wool94 posted 8/23/2019 06:04 AM

Are you okay?

Lalagirl posted 8/23/2019 06:09 AM

Scooby, please check in with us. We're worried about you.

Scoobydoo posted 8/23/2019 06:14 AM

Iím safe & ok thank you, heís now left the house to go to his IC (I called him after receiving some messages on here & then seeing his posts)
Im going to my sons first, then packing a couple bags to go away for the weekend,
so hopefully heíll be gone when I get back, my boys are going to sort everything out while Iím gone

Thank you for being concerned for me

nekonamida posted 8/23/2019 06:24 AM

Scooby, this is proof that you are doing the right thing. This is proof that all he was doing was to appease you into not D'ing him. No one could possibly disagree that cheating on someone repeatedly with tons of OW and physically assaulting them, even in the past, is not worth ending the marriage over.

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