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Surprise video 🙈

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Odonna posted 8/5/2019 11:15 AM

This is a good step! Especially if he had a past practice of manipulating you by threatening finances. Maybe the IC is paying off? Has he read the Heal Your Spouse book yet? Have you read it?

[This message edited by Odonna at 11:20 AM, August 5th (Monday)]

Scoobydoo posted 8/5/2019 11:30 AM

Yes he's been in IC for awhile now, some weeks he goes 2/3 times, he's also involved in 2 Male group sessions, after listening to the kids conversations I'm 85% sure its AA & Anger management courses or something very similar,

Im not entirely sure what the hell is going on,

All I do know is this was his 'go to' for bullying & manipulation in the past,
Him taking this off the table is massive to me, Its even bigger to our children, my eldest son got very emotional on the phone!

Scoobydoo posted 8/5/2019 11:43 AM


Seriously it wouldn't bother me if & when it gets to that stage. I wouldn't want to take him to the cleaners but I also wouldn't want him to do that to me, we have 4 adult children that wouldn't react well to either of us behaving in that way.

However we're in Europe so the Land registry seems to be full proof. Its definitely Legal.
He's signed it all over!!

fareast posted 8/5/2019 13:12 PM

I know that I often tend to be skeptical of words and steps taken by WS’s. But my gut tells me your WH is taking actions that he hopes show you he is trying to change and become a better partner. His actions put you in a good place financially. Good for him. His actions are more than we see from so many WS’s. I don’t know what your future holds as a couple. Your WH has done some incredibly hurtful things to you in the past. Time will tell. But Inam willing to give him credit when credit is due. Be vigilant and keep on, keepin on. Good luck.

nekonamida posted 8/5/2019 13:15 PM

I agree with fareast. This looks like a step in the right direction.

Scoobydoo posted 8/5/2019 14:53 PM

Thank you,

That’s what my senses are telling me...I’ve not seen him as yet as he sees his IC on Monday evenings, our paths don’t usually cross this time of the week,
I can see many changes in his behaviour so maybe he has finally ‘got it’

Yes I downloaded the book & read it a few times while I was away, according to my youngest son wh’s copy was delivered opened & moved from bedroom to living room & back again while I was away,

free2016 posted 8/6/2019 10:02 AM

I am not an expert but if it is a marital house, then it does not matter if it is only in one spouse's name, he still can claim half if D.

Scoobydoo posted 8/6/2019 10:22 AM


If I do decide to divorce him I would definitely be splitting everything down the middle, I couldn't look my children in the eyes if that didn't happen.

We have each promised our kids during the 180 we are being as amicable & reasonable as possible, so far its working out.

He's been working hard to rebuild his relationships with all of them so hopefully he wouldn't want to rock the boat, Maybe I'm naive...only time will tell if I D him.

Scoobydoo posted 8/14/2019 17:00 PM

At what point do you just call it a day?

Even if they ‘seem’ to be doing ‘enough’

Even if it appears they are Saying the ‘right’ things

I’m so damn tired of feeling lonely

Arfaj posted 8/14/2019 17:06 PM

You can call it a day any time. You are never under an obligation to stay whether he “gets it” or not, whether he does the work or not. If you are ready to be done, that’s okay.

nekonamida posted 8/14/2019 17:06 PM

Whenever you want, Scooby. While remorse is necessary, it never means you owe him R. Maybe what he did was just too much for too long and it killed your love for him. Do whatever you think is best regardless of what he's doing.

fareast posted 8/14/2019 17:59 PM


It is totally your call. It doesn’t matter if he is busting his butt to be better. You do what you need to move forward. If the right thing is moving ahead without him, so be it. You are a strong, resourceful and resilient person. You will be fine no matter what you decide. You are on no one else’s timeline but your own.

Scoobydoo posted 8/15/2019 02:16 AM

Its like putting a puzzle together without all the pieces,

Nothing fits anymore

None of his reasons make sense to me

Now I FEEL bad & guilty bc he’s doing the right things 🙄

SaddestDad posted 8/15/2019 07:02 AM

Now I FEEL bad & guilty bc he’s doing the right things

There's no reason whatsoever for you to feel guilty, Scooby... and you know it.

Scoobydoo posted 8/15/2019 09:22 AM


I know logically I shouldn’t however it doesn’t stop the feelings,

I’m just sick of not knowing up from down, left from right,

my married life feels like complete bs!!!

Sorry my IC dug really deep with me yesterday saying I should take some responsibility for wh’s actions over the years,
so now everyone is paying the price with me...especially the WH 😡

free2016 posted 8/15/2019 12:10 PM

so now everyone is paying the price with me...especially the WH 😡

Your WH should have been paying the price for a long time, back when he assaulted you and kept it secret, when he had his As, etc.
So it has been overdue, and no worries here.
I really believe that the concept of the co-dependency is somewhat inappropriate when we are talking about a woman with 4 kids. Of course having small children makes you dependable and vulnerable. Where are all these expectations of being a wonder-woman come from?
So you would have to go through multiple pregnancies, child-birthing and taking care of small kids, and then have the energy and knowledge to handle your husband's immaturity and selfishness.
What your therapist is thinking about? Your WH conditioned you to see the abuse and neglect as "normal" while you were too busy to even think about it.

nekonamida posted 8/15/2019 12:49 PM

Sorry my IC dug really deep with me yesterday saying I should take some responsibility for wh’s actions over the years,
so now everyone is paying the price with me...especially the WH 😡

What does she mean by that? Surely not that you have had anything to do with his cheating and abuse.

The1stWife posted 8/15/2019 13:11 PM

Your IC is not helping by saying “you need to take Responsibility”.

You should not have to take responsibility for him cheating or lying or ANYTHING he chose to do.

You only take responsibility for your possible role in marriage issues. Not in his choices to lie and cheat or do whatever.

I accepted full responsibility for being a doormat and allowing my H to get away with Affair #1. And not standing up to some of his behavior that was disrespectful. But in no way it my fault for him lying and cheating. Or having Affair #2.

Nope. Not my issue or fault or my doing. I did the best to protect my kids from all of it. But if they know he cheated then that’s his problem. Not mine.

tushnurse posted 8/15/2019 13:25 PM

Hey Scooby - Your IC is full of shit.

We can only be responsible for ourselves, which is what I was going to post prior to reading your last post.

You need to find the end to the loneliness and confusion within yourself. If you are choosing to D because you are tired of this, it won't end because of it. You need to start healing you, and finding happiness and fulfillment in you. Without anyone.

His issues are his and his alone. He has to work through that, and it's ok if at the end of the day it still isn't enough for you to stay. Sometimes after years of going through what you have, is just a deal breaker, and that is acceptable. If the work he is doing is real and for him it won't matter, and he will continue to heal and fix his shit even if you do walk away.

Scoobydoo posted 8/15/2019 16:59 PM

To be fair, I actually think he’s (IC) right in a lot of ways,

I have let my WH dictate the terms of our marriage from the very first A, the very first slap, the very first time he started manipulating to control me, the very first night he didn’t make it drunk/to late to drive/having to much fun, endless reasons...’eye roll’

Yes I was busy working to keep a roof over our heads while raising our kids but it doesn’t take away the fact
I ALLOWED HIM to do this for so long I have to own it now,

I’m not saying it’s right but I set the dynamics of our relationship right at the start by not standing strong with boundaries & expectations.

I’m not lonely in everyday stuff, I’m working more hours, constantly with my kids & GC, walking loads with my dog, spending time with friends, but it’s night time for me, I like cuddling up watching movies or reading my book snuggled up on the sofa, in bed I always had to have a piece of my body touching his through the night, I miss affection, I miss kisses, I MISS sex ffs!!

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