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watersofavalon posted 4/25/2019 08:23 AM

Good for you scooby ! You must be so proud off your kids. Just looked at your profile and realised you are in my neck of the woods 😀

Scoobydoo posted 4/25/2019 16:11 PM

Thank you Watersofavalon, yes I am proud of them all,

Ahhh what a lush neck of the woods to be in...gotta love home 😊

Scoobydoo posted 5/13/2019 08:12 AM

So Holiday was an absolute blast, holy mahony I had the best time, WH went to stay at his Aunt & Uncles up country so I wouldn't have to worry what he was up to (didn't care either way tbh, but it did help the kids relax a little knowing he was somewhere he couldn't or wouldn't make bad choices).
He messaged me morning noon & night the whole week I was away cancelled my son picking me up from the airport to meet me himself as a surprise...wasnt as bad as it could of been tbh!
He's been going to his IC which has been very eye opening for him,
his IC has actually told him he does show very clear signs he's narcissistic...hell yes finally!!!!
Its very early days but I have seen a remarkable change in his behaviour & his whole attitude to myself our family & his friends.

The children have been struggling with the latest revelations, Daughter refuses to speak to him at all, 3 sons have limited spending time with him (is it bad I actually feel sorry for him?) he understands there feelings & is willing to be patient, which is very unlike him as everything has always been about him or his wishes in the past. never really cared about others opinions, or how people felt.

1 very big change (noticeably big) is his lack of jokey comments to me, he never actually put me down in anyway but would always have some sort of dig at me about different things then follow with
"why can't you take a joke"
"why are you so miserable"
"awe you have a headache AGAIN"
"it must be the time of the month"
& many many more digs
followed by "IM ONLY JOKING"!!!!
OMG HE HAS STOPPED DOING IT...overnight he has stopped, no more digs, no more snipes at me, nothing!!
I didnt realise just how bad & often he done it till he stopped it,

He's listening more now, Actually taking it in instead of going in 1 ear & out the other, not just with me but with everybody.
I know I sound like I have a serious case of hopium & for lots of people its not going to make sense, trust me I do understand, however I do believe people can & will change if they think they will lose everything,
I have made it perfectly clear to him I won't accept any half measures its all or nothing for me, I wouldn't say we are R or D material yet,
we are still in 180 with me gaining strength & control in MY life, it definitely seems he's along for the ride though!

I have seen & retained a solicitor just incase, which he is aware of.

Hurtmyheart posted 5/13/2019 16:12 PM

Alcoholics do have a tendency to have narcissistic traits, until they stop drinking and turn their lives around. But it takes a lot of time to get to that point.

My WH tricked me into believing he changed the first time around until I finally had enough and gave him an ultimatum, he either quits the alcohol and gets help or I am done. He knew I was serious, this time.

R is such a long road to recovery. We still have our bumps, not as bad but they still do exist. I don't even care if I have a setback because I triggered from something that remined me of his shitty past. It all still leads back to WH and the choices he made. So he has to deal with it.

I'm glad your kid's stand beside you as a united front. Use this to your advantage and tell your WH to not be so sure his kid's will be so willing to forgive. Tell him the opposite because he thinks that they will get over it quickly. Nope! That's not how it works and that isn't how it's going to be.

Make your WH work for change and to show proof by his actions that he did turn his life around. This can take time, lots of time. My suggestion to you to limit the pain is to keep him at arms length for a long, long time. You determine that. If I would have booted my WH when everything was going down, I would have experienced half the pain he put me through.

Allow him to get to a good place in his life using IC and a 12 step program. He really needs to sober up and work on himself before the actual change occurs. These are my experiences moving forward. I hope it helps you in some way.

nekonamida posted 5/13/2019 17:45 PM

Agreed! ^^^^

It's okay to take your time but DO take time with it. It's easy for narcissists to put on a good show for weeks or even months. It will take him YEARS to change. It's not time to celebrate just yet.

Has he finally come clean about the online activities or is he still lying about that?

Scoobydoo posted 5/14/2019 04:10 AM

its not easy navigating through this shit show they have given us is it!!

My WH isn't an alcoholic, though he had been drinking when he had his ONS, he hasn't always made right choices when he's been drinking, he's not leading a life revolved around pubs or nights out anymore as he does seem to understand this is a hard no for me & our kids if we/any of us have a future with him,
He definitely knows the kids won't take his bs no more, they are well & truly behind me every step of the way.

There is a massive difference now as I'm stronger than I've ever been, I said before I was strong in every aspect outside of my marriage but hadn't felt strong dealing with him & his antics, well that is where I HAVE changed, I'm no longer the doormat I once was, I no longer keep my opinions to myself, I no longer let him 'have his own way' I don't have to button it to keep the peace or worry how he will react bc Ive shown him a different side to me. I do nothing for him, no washing, no cooking, no kissing his ass, I'm civil but thats where it stops. no more rugsweeping of any kind!
if he wants to continue with his journey into the rabbit hole thats entirely up to him but he knows it won't be intertwined with mine.

He knows this could take months/even yrs to sort this stuff out as I'm in no hurry to commit to anything with him in the foreseeable or distant future,

Its my turn, my turn to concentrate on me,
I care deeply for him as he's the father of my children so I truly hope he can turn his life around for the sake of himself & our children, but his decisions & choices are his to own & make, maybe we will slip into the friend zone maybe we won't but tbh I don't care at this moment in time, my eyes are solely on myself & my family.

I haven't asked about his online activities as it makes no difference to me either way, I don't need to hear him say yes or no tbh as it has no real bearing on my life anymore, he's cheated, he's lied, he's led a double life for heaven knows how long, I'm indifferent to him, asking or demanding answers from him at this time would lead him to believe it makes a difference in my life, when truthfully it really doesn't.

Hurtmyheart posted 5/14/2019 13:59 PM

I can tell that you are strong in yourself, Scoobydoo! Yes, I remember when I started to change and also took my life back. It's a good feeling to finally have a voice and sometimes without a filter...sometimes, the language comes pouring out. Lol

R is so hard and what hurts me most today are the triggers and images that still haunt me. I don't think they will ever go away. Sometimes when I read posts like yours and others, I think it would just be easier to walk away and start with a clean slate because the pain and memories never stop. They always seem to come back to haunt. And then there are those moments when my WH seems to be going back to his old behaviors and I loose it. Seems like at times, it's an uphill battle.

Another option is that you fix yourself and heal the pain he caused you and maybe find someone new in time to spend the rest of your life with. No baggage, no bad history, and you take into your new relationship the experience to recognize shitty behavior. What I love most about who I am today is that I'm not in denial any longer.

I'm sorry I referred to your WH as an alcoholic. I thought I read on your post that he spent a lot of time frequenting bars and getting drunk and also ruining special occasions because of his drunk behavior. Sometimes heavy drinking could be just as bad.

My WH was a heavy drinker (or was he an alcoholic?) at one time. Constantly drinking, looking forward to the next drink, cutting outings short to go home and drink and then asshole behavior. I guess what difference does it really make whether the person is a heavy drinker or an alcoholic because the behavior seems to be the same in the end, a deep dark path to hell.

My WH had sex with a co-worker two times when he was drinking heavily and had an emotional affair with a co-worker for over a year. And then while he was drinking heavily, he was always staring at other women, flirting with and smiling at them and comparing me to them.

This will forever be burned into my brain. I will never forget what he did. I will never forget what I saw. I will never forget how he treated me during those dark times.

What a jerk he was. Pull that crap today and see where it gets him. The idea of him doing anything in that direction today only sends me into a very deep low and then he has to suffer the consequences. It really isn't fun to have to live with this but I did choose to stay with conditions and at times it still is a rocky road, although we do have some very good days today.

If I could go back and make the decision to have some time apart from him while he worked his own issues out, I would have chose that, instead of being by his side while he worked through his issues which turned into a horrible experience, all because I loved him.

Anyway, I'm glad you are getting your life back and you have the support of your kid's. I'm also happy for you that you have decided to have a separation from him. You will save yourself a lot of pain helping him get well. Let him figure it out what he needs to do because he already knows what he needs to do. It is whether he will commit to getting well and turning his life around is the question that will be answered in time.

I wish you happiness moving forward.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 2:05 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)]

Scoobydoo posted 5/15/2019 01:16 AM

Hi Hmh,

my situation was very similar 23ishyrs ago, those days were extremely volatile between us, I watched him like a hawk, anything & everything seemed to set us off, then over the yrs we just seemed to slip into our old ways as I was so busy raising 4 kids, life, 3 pt jobs, his Peter Pan attitude, 1 thing I have realised is... he definitely had a pattern when he wasn't getting the attention he wanted, with the dummies & toys he's thrown from his pram over the yrs I could of kept 'toys r us' in business!

There was moments when I genuinely thought he could could be an alcoholic, at 1 point he couldn't have a pint or 2 without getting wasted, these were nights out with either friends or myself, but it wasn't an everyday thing, no drinking at home, didn't stop on the way home from work for a quick 'pint', he just didn't seem to know where to draw the line.

I just refuse to be his keeper now, I'm my own person on my own journey, maybe thats the difference this time around (I don't know) but back then I didn't have this site to come to, I haven't used ALL SI advice but I have used parts that will/& have been productive to me,
I'm sure this road isn't always gonna be smooth but I refuse to let him have any control of anything I do or don't do.

My WH wouldn't even dream of looking at other women/girls in passing or go as far to talk to them as myself & the kids would pull him on it...tbh what respectful woman/girl would even look twice at someone that openly flirts or stares at them while stood with there wife, I know I wouldn't & haven't...I would & have just stared back enough to make them uncomfortable enough to make it awkward or long enough the wife has noticed, its just damn right disrespectful.

wow your WH (from the little you have wrote^^^^) sounds like a blast!!
how on earth do cope with it? I'm sorry I can't say more as I don't know your story, did all of this happen in 2018? when you joined SI?

I don't care if I meet someone else or spend the rest of my life alone,
I only know at this moment in time I need to like/love myself.

I truly hope you find your happiness

Hurtmyheart posted 5/15/2019 03:17 AM

Hi Scooby, my WH was having a hard time dealing with work and family probably around 15 years ago (we've been married 32) and he turned to drinking to cope. Sadly, I didn't catch on to how hard life had become for him in that time. I will say up until that point, he was a very good husband and father.

There has been so much that happened but I will focus on the most obvious points. My mom passed 7 years ago this August. I was in charge of the trust. My husband was already having issues with me (in his mind) thinking I was interested in other men. The alcohol had already started getting to him and had begun to change his thinking patterns. All of his drinking was either at home or when he was staying in a room at his work because we moved 1.5 hours away, so he spent time in his room when he didn't come home.

The alcohol made his mind delusional, esp if men paid attention to me. This drove him crazy with jealousy. This is the part where he thought I had already gone out on him.

Because of this and he also promoted at work during this time, a woman reached out to him because she felt he needed a friend. This is where the emotional affair kicked in for over a year, or maybe longer. I felt something was off and I couldn't stop having emotional highs and lows which I had never experienced before, so I kicked him out and he stayed in his room at work for 2 weeks. During this time, he had sex with another co-worker two times. His reasoning back then was that since I was having sex with other men, why can't he have sex with other women?

At the time I couldn't figure what the issues were because what he thought was happening just wasn't true.

He decided to divorce me because remember, in his insane alcoholic mind, I was reaching out to other men. Again, he felt intitled and this is when the staring, smiling at and flirting with other women came in. He never did any of this behavior before that time and I was in total shock.

Before I really could grasp any of how my reality was falling apart, we came back together. My daughter and I moved closer to his work and my husband and I decided to give our relationship another try. My stipulation was that he needed to quit drinking and get help. He didn't quit drinking. This was four year ago.

About three months into trying to come back together and putting up with all his crap, I finally hit rock bottom and told him he either clean his act up or I was done. He quit drinking and turned his life around and found God. But it wasn't over because it takes around 1.5 years for the brain to heal and come back to reality. He still continued to try to make me jealous because he thought I was trying to make him jealous. It's almost like at the time, I was dealing with a teenager. Excessive alcohol intake overtime stunts emotional growth.

When he started coming around, he was mortified at the damage he caused to my heart and my brain. I was on overload. I couldn't take it anymore but the damage was done. I now have PTSD and will probably have to take an antidepressant for life because of the pain I went through with him. This is why I suggested since you are already separated from your WH, to allow him to work on and fix himself because he will have some sort of relapse. And the pain will be greater for you if you are there experiencing it. It is horrible.

Today, you would not recognize the monster my WH was. We both agree that he walked with the devil during those dark day's. It was a very scary and uncertain time.

I love my WH and he loves me. Today we are better but I get triggered when anything reminds me of the awful person he was.

Today, when I have a low, he sits and waits for me to come out of it or holds me through it. Just a few day's ago I had an episode and we stopped where we were and he held me and told me how much he loved me and he would never hurt me again. It's like my brain gets stuck on a thought.

My WH is very careful now about where he looks when we are around other women and sometimes I even feel safe with him like I did before. Before he got well, he would use these women to try to make me jealous. He wasn't interested in them, just used them to hurt my heart.

So was your WH was acting out with these other women when you weren't around or did you say he found them on the internet?

I'm sorry for you Scooby but I also see that you are very strong in yourself. It took some time for me to gather strength but it did happen. I am happy who I am today because I don't take crap from anyone anymore.

So, almost 7 years ago my mom passed away, and I became executor of the will. I had to deal with 3 alcoholic, drug addicted brothers fighting with me because they wanted their money now. I also had other family members who were difficult and not supportive during the process. I was dealing with my WH affairs and him serving me divorce papers because he was cheating and because he had wayward behavior. Bizarre. Lol

Five years ago, one brother passed and a year later another brother passed from drug and alcohol abuse. I also had to clean my mom's house out of almost 60 years of accumulation of stuff and then put the house on the market. I also had to clean out my house because remember, my WH was divorcing me. And my dog was dying of cancer and I put her down in this time period. It was a very tough and devastating time in my life. All I can do today is to look back and laugh.

Things are way better with my WH and I do feel sorry for the burden he carrys for the pain he caused me. I still do have issues at times because of the hell he put me through. I still get angry and hateful towards him at times and he just sits and waits until I get beyond it. It's the triggers and images of his past behavior that hurts and bothers me most.

There is hope in any bad situation but R can be very, very difficult because it is not a straight shot to wellness. There are lots of highs and lows, lots of tears and working to rebuild the trust that was destroyed. I find it interesting because faithfulness in my marriage was my number one one priority and this is what was destroyed.

Accepting this can be hard at times. As long as my WH stays on a positive path in life and continues to work on himself, I think we will be fine. But the memories are so etched into my brain, that they now will always be a part of me and my marriage. I can never say I will be able to forgive. It's more like allowing the awful memories to slip away and become part of my past.

My WH tells me everyday how sorry he is for how cruelly he treated me and he still cries often having to come to his own terms. He has had to clean up the path of his destruction because he wants to continue a relationship with his son and daughter and I. Everyday as a sober man he has to look at himself in the mirror and he asks God for forgiveness everyday and how to better himself and become a better man for his family. I think he is doing well. There is hope for change and I am witnessing it.

Today, I live in the moment and stay focused on living a happy life. This is all I can do, even through the bad moments. We can't change the past and the destruction and pain he caused for him and his family. It's something we have to live with everyday and learn to have acceptance and believe in time this pain will become a distant memory.

I wish you peace traveling your journey of what is called life. No one said it would be perfect.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 10:16 AM, May 15th (Wednesday)]

Scoobydoo posted 5/15/2019 13:02 PM

wow...just wow, Thank you for sharing with me.

Im actually at a loss for words, I really don't know what to say
I'm sorry but no wonder you have PTSD with everything you have been through. thats utter madness for 1 person to deal with

I genuinely hope he realises what an absolute trouper you are

I can relate to the triggers as it used to happen to me when our Children were small (after he had cheated with my best friend the 1st time)

His previous 2 affairs yrs & yrs ago were with EX BFF's of mine , to say I've been extremely careful over the yrs who I've grown close to is an understatement, I've found it hard at times to let women into my inner circle.
having said that the 1's I did let in have become my absolute rocks now & always.

I didn't react to his 1st affair as I was pretty busy looking after 4 children under the age of 5, also 1 of my twins born at 34 wks pregnant was born with no bowel & gut lining so he was very very poorly, they didn't give him a very good chance at survival.
he was kept in hospital for months obviously where I stayed with him, when we were discharged was when I found out about the affair, he said it was only a few times but as we know, they LIE & then LIE some more...I never actually believed him, I just wanted to care for my children now my son was out of hospital & I finally had them altogether.

He never used to be a good husband/father really so I didn't ever rely on him, I relied solely on my mum & dad (awesome parents) she worked when I didn't, I worked when she didn't, as he used to drink quite a bit & also do drugs none of us trusted him tbh!

So therein is the beginning of my problem for my situation, I never held him accountable for anything, no boundaries, no consequences, nothing bc I just wanted a quiet life, he never paid no bills, no rent, no shopping, no birthdays/xmas presents...NOTHING!!

haha & guess what...I just realised that myself while typing this out, talk about eye opening!!!!

Damn this is gonna be a long 1

The 2nd affair was my sons best friends mum..also my BFF, however this time I was a little more on the ball, I'm not proud of how I reacted (no charges were bought) but I did beat her up when I dragged her from my car after being told by another mutual friend they had been seen together in our local club, I fought like hell to not let it effect our sons & it didn't as her son was my sons best man at his wedding recently.
small community so have seen her over the yrs but we dont speak & neither does he with either of them...I would of hit the roof if he had, trust me someone would of told me!

bc of who I am I genuinely think thats why he joined that swingers site, I've always been told by mutual friends or my friends whats gone on with him, if something looks a little icky, there was a few drunken kisses over the yrs but nothing as bad as the previous 2 affairs, I used to be a bar person so I always found out or was told.
I lost my mum in 2007 (became a hermit, didn't leave the house for 3 & 1/2 yrs due to grief thats when I had counselling, then all of us had family counselling, my teenagers struggled with loosing their nan & then in effect their mum. he was shit went to the pub out all the time, same old.

I got stronger & better & everything 'seemed' fine

what a crock of shit...He just became a better liar, more manipulative, more devious, did I say "a better liar"?

I find it hard to believe he went from cheating & messing around for all those yrs to nothing for 15ish yrs till my sons stag do, he expects me to believe he was squeaky clean for all those yrs..I DONT BELIEVE IT!

He was a member of that site for 5yrs, it just so happened he named voyerism, masturbation, video's, travel, NSA, young girls between a certain age (20/28)...all things I had to see in the video's he 'forgot' to delete.
& its meant to be a coincidence...LOL like I believe that!

The only difference now is I haven't kept his dirty secrets, I haven't & won't pretend it didn't happen, I seriously have had enough,
I found the 180 hard in the beginning as he has, but now he knows where he stands which is working in my favour, we may never sort our stuff out, we may never "get back together" we may get D, or we may R, but I can & will say honestly if he does anything at all even while we're in limbo he will be gone faster than the ink drying on our divorce papers. I'm ready for the ups & downs as long as they are in dealing with our marriage or his progress or even more rabbit holes, but if he steps out for anything else he's gone!!

sorry for rambling & sorry for the language (sometimes other words are just not strong enough)

I hope you continue to be happy Hmh

there is no such thing as perfection..but fingers crossed peace & quiet does seem reachable for us both

nekonamida posted 5/16/2019 08:42 AM

I find it hard to believe he went from cheating & messing around for all those yrs to nothing for 15ish yrs till my sons stag do, he expects me to believe he was squeaky clean for all those yrs..I DONT BELIEVE IT!

It's not believable in the slightest. For every rat you see, there's 10 that you don't. Tell him if he's so confident that he's telling the truth then he can take a polygraph test to prove it. You don't have to go through with it but I bet the look on his face will be priceless!

The thing about R is that it's okay if you don't really care how many OW there have been. 10, 50, 100, whatever. But he can't R with you without honesty. Honesty is a requirement for remorse and you can't R with an unremorseful WS. You either get years of the rollercoaster without much progress or you get new DDays. You can't be the only one doing the work of R. It doesn't work.

Plus what if there are other deal breakers for you like if he has a secret child out there? What if he did get back with your exBFF at one point? What if he slept with someone you're related to? What if he slept with an under aged girl? Even if you can accept countless of OW assuming they are faceless, consensual ONS situations, shouldn't you know for sure that's what you're R'ing with?

Hurtmyheart posted 5/16/2019 12:22 PM

Wow Scooby, I want to respond to you but am going to think about this last post of yours, for a minute. It really set me back...very heavy and sad. Makes me wonder why you would put up with this for so long. You are describing my family upbringing, very chaotic., no boundries, your WH and "friends" shitting all over you. (Sorry for my language also. Seems as you stated, nothing describes this better than foul language.). Somewhere along the line created this acceptance as the norm for you. What happened in your life where your boundries became skewed?

Sounds like you had wonderful parents...I want to dig deeper...somewhere along your journey in life...were you victimized in any way? This is where you will find your answers as to why you chose your WH as your mate and chose the friends you chose in life.

I feel your WH is who he is no matter what happens. You do not have anything to lean on in your past that says your WH was a good man. I get what you are are saying when you talked about how your WH had no responsibilities in life. I grew up with this shit.

I was in a very tumultuous relationship prior to meeting my WH and it became very physical. I was done being mistreated. I was done putting up with shit (to a point. I still had a long ways to go in that department but was on the right path to healing!) I went to a womens domestic violence meeting a few times. I sat in there with two black eyes, a broken nose and bruises all over my body. This is where I saw the cycle kept repeating itself. This is where I saw how the women kept going back to their abusers. This is where I saw these women leave their previous relationship and step into another relationship with the same results. This is around the time I met my WH. He was a gem. He was my protector. He was the love of my life. If I didn't have that to fall back on when my WH went down the rabbit hole, we would have been done.

As you reflect on your life with your WH as you are doing now, try and think about the times where he was a good husband, father and good man. As you had stated, it sounds like he was never there for you.

Why did you put up with him for all these years? What made him worth keeping around for you and the family? I grew up in a large family and pretty much have seen it all. I see this crap in my family today but today I turn my back on it, not my monkey, not my circus because they don't want to fix what is broken and lead a happy, healthy existence. They much prefer to stay in the chaos. I find it gross.

I love to be happy and free and to enjoy peace. There is jealousy in my family because I am living an authentic life. The jealous ones don't like my posts. Hahahaha Too bad. Sure my WH and I still have our ups and downs because of the shit we went through but today we enjoy our lives together as a couple.

I understand that you were part of the lifestyle of drinking and partying and so did I but it sounds like you pretty much grew out of it and your WH didn't.

I think it would be in your best interest to look at your WH hard and to see and accept that ugly side of who your WH is. I always wanted to see only the good in others. But today I have a tendency to want to see the good, bad and ugly in individuals. I don't ignore that part of humanity anymore.

I do believe you are beginning to see your WH as he truly is. Keeping pushing to get the whole truth. The truth is a gift and is the most beautiful part of life. I know the saying, ignorance is bliss but the truth will set you free:)

Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your journey to wellness.

Scoobydoo posted 5/19/2019 03:23 AM

yes you are correct about R, however you forgot a few small details,

I have to want to R if its going to work,

I have to care enough to put the work in,

I have to want him in my life,

I have to be 110% in love with him,

I don't know how I feel at the moment about any of the above ^^^

I'm slightly worried about feeling so angry,
so im not making any decisions until I have my emotions more controlled.

ATM i will walk away if he even wanted to go out AGAIN as a single man let alone all the other things you listed. were not together but not separated yet all the boundaries still apply....HAHA like it mattered before about rules & boundaries

I'm finding IC hard atm as I'm trying to find my WHYS (so hard to do!)
sometimes I wish there had been something I could blame my tolerance of him on, some deep reason why I chose this life, but there really isn't, I just accepted this was it for me.

We must of had plenty of good times over all our years but for the life of me I can't remember them through my hurt & anger, all I can focus on is the bad times, the rug sweeping of so much (not just affairs), the manipulation, the bullying,

OMG I grew out the life style pretty quickly, I love social drinking with friends occasionally, I just didn't like the loss of control & the horrible hangovers for 2 days every weekend! again this was when his Peter Pan persona reared its ugly head.

He does have a good side but I don't see him much anymore even when he's 'doing good things' 'behaving himself' I just can't see past the bad anymore.

Im at that stage where I struggle not to not blame myself,

I've allowed this man to treat me this way so many times I feel maybe I deserve the fall out from it all,
I deserve to be hurt as I've allowed it to happen so many times.
I dont deserve to be loved by anyone else if I can't love MYSELF.
not self pity just self reflecting.

we are all on this journey together, stay strong

Scoobydoo posted 6/19/2019 08:44 AM

Wasn't sure to post here where my Original story is or the thread I started called 'What Vices have you used' in General,

So I Decided here as this is where my journey began.

After considerable thought & many discussions with SI members, family & friends on my booking a solo trip to Mexico, I'm leaning towards letting my WH join me, I leave in less than 2 weeks but still I'm 50/50 on whether he should come with me??

Why can't I make that final decision!!!

I'm probably not making sense I just don't know what to do!!

I think I've come back to this post because I've received & implemented most if not all advice given to me through this thread I actually feel comfortable being here where you all have taken the time to guide me.

He has IC twice a week, He doesn't drink anymore, He's kinder to friends of his, He's working hard with our kids & GC, He's genuinely a nicer guy to be around, He hasn't tried to manipulate me, He isn't bullying me, He just seems so different!

Can someone change there spots so fast?

I have the divorce petition pinned on our fridge as a daily reminder so maybe thats an incentive!!!

please give me some advice I really don't want to make the wrong decision, I don't want to add him to my trip for safety reasons (even though that would be a good reason in itself)

Someone on SI who I respect deeply mentioned maybe adding him to the last 2 weeks instead of all 3...thoughts would be good to hear,

Thank you for taking the time to listen


fareast posted 6/19/2019 09:07 AM

Hi Scooby:

I think you are doing remarkably well after all of the devastating revelations you have been bombarded with lately. Others will probably come by with more sage advice. For this outsider, I would ask myself: what is the purpose of this trip? Are you trying to give yourself some time away from it all and give yourself space to heal and think?

What purpose would having your WH along for all or part of the trip serve? Are you looking to spend some alone time with him to gauge his changes and to gauge your feelings?

Or are you just trying to get away for some fun?

Figure out what you want from this trip. Good luck.

MamaDragon posted 6/19/2019 09:24 AM

Personally I'd let him go with you. You have noticed his improvement, and allowing him to tag along with you on your adventure may be the one thing that keeps him wanting to strive to be better - as in it will show him WHAT and WHO he is close to loosing if he doesn't continue to change and treat you right.

If nothing else, you won't be travelling alone in an area that has potential dangerous areas.

lol the first thought I had was to tell you "take him along, if you run into trouble, trip him and run like hell" (yes I have a demented mind full of revenge ideas)

Tseratievig posted 6/19/2019 11:31 AM

Please give me some advice I really don't want to make the wrong decision, I don't want to add him to my trip for safety reasons (even though that would be a good reason in itself)
It's very conceivable that either choice isn't wrong, but it's guaranteed that going by yourself isn't wrong.

nekonamida posted 6/19/2019 11:41 AM

Can someone change there spots so fast?

People can act like they have changed very easily. It's much harder to keep up with the act months out. It's only been a few months so it is far too early to tell if he has changed or is doing it because he doesn't want a divorce.

Take him with you if you want to and you believe his presence will enhance your trip - not detract from it. I'm also a fan of letting him come later in the trip so that you get some of both.

Scoobydoo posted 6/20/2019 04:18 AM

what is the purpose of this trip? Are you trying to give yourself some time away from it all and give yourself space to heal and think?

What purpose would having your WH along for all or part of the trip serve? Are you looking to spend some alone time with him to gauge his changes and to gauge your feelings?

Hey fareast,

Been a long 2 yrs emotionally & physically,
Also after having enjoyed my previous trip so much I thought why not do another 1,
Honestly I think I booked it to wind him up after he bought 2 Moto bikes without consulting me,
He didn't react how I thought he would!

His purpose I guess would be to show me outside of family & friends just how much he has changed if at all...
His drinking, his talking to random women, his wandering eyes,
his staying out later than me, staying in bed most of the morning, its easy to keep up the pretence at home but would he be able maintain it when surrounded by beautiful women, all inclusive with multiple bars!

lol the first thought I had was to tell you "take him along, if you run into trouble, trip him and run like hell" (yes I have a demented mind full of revenge ideas)

Hey MamaDragon,

Right there with you, Haha I had the exact same thought

He does keep saying he wants to show me how much he has changed, how he 'wont let me down again' says he 'doesn't want to lose me'

It's very conceivable that either choice isn't wrong, but it's guaranteed that going by yourself isn't wrong.

Hey Tser,
Thankyou for your wise words!

It's only been a few months so it is far too early to tell if he has changed or is doing it because he doesn't want a divorce.

Hey Nekonamida,

& this is the problem I have, Its so fast, so many changes, so much difference,
seems like overnight he had an epiphany & he's been all in since, with everyone, with everything.

I guess I just don't want to get my hopes up as I've read numerous times about hopium being destroyed!!

I'm definitely leaning a bit more for him joining me later in the trip now more than before

thank you,
your advice is gratefully received

[This message edited by Scoobydoo at 4:19 AM, June 20th (Thursday)]

Tallgirl posted 6/20/2019 05:57 AM

Hi scooby

Your WH behaviour change is still very new. Sure it looks good now, the question is will it stick when life settles, when temptation is there and you arenít.

I think him joining you for part of the holiday is good, and it will be a nice break from the crazy of late. When it is over, real life is waiting. In 3,6,9 months will help you see if you feel the change is real

Keep your eyes open.

I hope you have a great trip.

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